Why do I feel such a strong connection to this guy?

[Alvi]

This is a guy I've met 15 years ago on the dating site. I was 31-years-old at the time and he was 14 years older. Despite that, we had an amazing chemistry. We dated for a few month but he moved across the country. He asked me to come with him but I was scared to leave my parents, job, life behind. And we were only dating for a short while, it's not like we were married or engaged at least. So, we tried a long-distance relationship but one day he never phoned me when he said that he is going to. I remember sitting by the phone the entire evening crying and waiting for him to call me. I know, I am rolling my eyes about this now but back then it was pretty serious, lol. I didn't hear anything from him for about 6 month and I was  down during the entire time. I picked myself up and moved on. He texted me back 6 month later and we stayed in touch on and off throughout the next few years. He asked me to come to see him several times but I didn't take it seriously as I was hurt when he just stopped talking to me. It was pretty much a comedy of errors. When I was dating someone at that time, he was free and when he was with someone, I was free. The timing was never right. He stopped talking to me yet again in 2016 and I haven't heard anything from him for the next 8 years. I found out from the social media that he has gotten married. I was dating someone at that time.

Anyway, fast-forward to now. This guy has contacted me yet again. He is 60 years--old and divorced now. He actually apologized for a lot of things that he did wrong to me. He told me that he has grown a lot during a last couple of years takes  a full responsibility of some things that he said and done in the past, including hurting me. He wants to come and see me and tells me that he wants to marry me. Well, I am dating someone and things are going good between myself and my BF. I don't want to screw things up nor am I looking to have an affair (even an emotional one).

I have always felt a very strong connection to this  guy. It's like I always felt deep down like he was the "one." I never told him that. He actually told me a couple of days ago that he always felt like we were destined to end up together. I honestly don't know why I am being so vulnerable to this guy and why I feel how I feel about him. I think that he is the one that got away. 

I cannot live my parents since they are getting older and are having some health problems. I cannot just pack and leave to another province to be with him at my age. Also, his finances are shaky. Something to worry about if we actually end up living together. And I feel the age difference is much greater now since I am 46 and he is 60. And no, I don't want to break up with my BF but I cannot stop thinking about this guy. Why is life such unfair? Why we cannot get things right first time around and for whatever reason don't take a leap of faith when we have a chance? I am going though a lot of what ifs in my head right now. But it is a fantasy, I realize that. I told him that I am dating someone but he is persistent. I don't want to just block him but it is not fair for my BF to keep talking to this guy either.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Perhaps because you have a romanticized view of this man and the potential relationship that could have been. You have built up this idea of him being "the one" in your mind and it's difficult to let go of that even though it's been years since you were together.

In reality this man is flawed, just like anyone else, and there is no guarantee that things would work out between the two of you now.

He left you several times so I am going to say that part of your attraction to him is his inconsistent behavior. He is hot and cold and that can be very alluring to some people because it keeps them guessing and wanting more.

I understand that you have a strong connection with him and that it's hard to let go of someone you have strong feelings for, but you also have to consider the practicalities of the situation. The age difference between the two of you is also a concern. You are in different stages of your life and have different goals and priorities. He may not be able to keep up with you in the future, both physically and financially. And as you mentioned, your parents are getting older and will need support from you in the future. It would be difficult to leave them behind and move to a different province for a man who has proven to be inconsistent in the past.

I am all for man and women being friends but you have a very heated and romantic past with this man, you seem to still hold onto the idea of the romantic relationship and carry a torch for him, so it's not a sensible idea to maintain a close relationship with him let alone while you're in a committed relationship with someone else.

Edited February 12 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

Please be careful with anyone who contacts you, tells you his financial woes and that he wants to marry you. Please review and reflect on the relationship with your BF and try to piece together what's going on in your life making you vulnerable to this. 

[ShyViolet]

He contacted you out of the blue after not talking to you for 8 years and told you he wants to marry you.  And you don't see this as crazy behavior?  He is not "the one".  If he was "the one" he wouldn't have ghosted you more than once over the years.  You are infatuated with the idea of him that you have in your head, not the real person.  In reality he is a very flaky and flawed person who is probably just popping up again because he has nothing else going on.  

[Goodguy05]

Sure is strange sometimes why we have such strong feelings and connection to someone. Still, I'd tread carefully since you mentioned he's got financial woes and now the age thing. Have you seen what he looks like now? 

 

Btw I wanted to share my story because now my ex said those exact same words. This was my last relationship which lasted  6 years.  She had kids and was still tied up to her partner who she wasn't In love with anymore but still living with we started talking we worked together and started going for coffee every night after work and I remember her saying those exact same words life is so unfair but In our case she made things happen and left him and moved out and we started going outm shortly in to dating I realised I wasn't really ready to date a woman with kids and struggled despite the passion we had for one another I trully believe to this day she was my soul mate but the timing was all wrong I still think about her 7 yrs on after the break up. But her words rang true in the end life is unfair sometimes and it was all about timing. Not sure if that correlates with yours at all but think it might but just thought I'd share...good luck

Edited February 12 by Goodguy05

[smackie9]

This guy is just being desperate. He's going through his little black book contacting old flames to see what sticks. Block/delete

[Herkamer63]

Truth be told, I actually feel this. Now, sometimes, where it may feel like you have a special connection with someone, they may not feel the same way about you. It's like you want it to work, you pray and/or think about it, but that prayer's answer (if you believe it the way I do) or that scenario in your head isn't what you'd expect. A lot of times, it's the total opposite and it could be that you're fooling yourself. At least, that's how I feel and think about it. Especially this past weekend when something a good friend of mine, unintentionally, made me think about.

There was a woman I met nearly 3 years ago now. She's almost 10 years older than I am. I'm 37 y/o (going on 38 in the next 2 months) and she's 46 y/o. Now, all her kids are adults and out of the house, and she's a very young grandmother. Good looking, very much in shape and active, and is overall nice to me. At the time, I was about to make the decision of no longer try to pursue relationships with the women I may found attractive. Long story short, I had a lot of bad luck with women in my 20s and early 30s. Much of it was my confidence, my weight, being led on, and not understanding women more than what I did. Today, I've lost a whole lot of weight, my confidence is far better than before, I've been on dates with women, and I understand them much more than I did before. Almost had a relationship with one but she called off due to a man that passed away that year that she was engaged to a few years prior. It was out of the blue, too, and there was another woman I thought I could try to go out with but she didn't let on she already had a boyfriend. So you can understand where I was about to say "forget this" and be done with even trying anymore because, at the time, led to being heartbroken and let down. As they say, nothing hurts more than a broken heart.

Then I met this woman who had displayed a lot of interest in me. I didn't go after her right away because I was gonna quit trying to be interested in a woman and getting a relationship started. Overtime, though, we became friends, started to like her, and thought I could get back in the game. Anytime I tried, though, something came up. Discovered most of it was legit, some of it, to this day, I question. We did go out eventually and had a great time. However, I had to give her up, even when things were starting to heat up between us, due to a friend who was over the top about her. I felt bad about it because I thought I was finally making some progress. She still talks to me from time to time, but today, she's engaged to a guy with  very questionable character, based on what I'm seeing with her actions since she got with him. Heck, her last boyfriend before me wasn't exactly a stellar guy either.

What's interesting is the things she told me about both. The last ex bf she had told me abused her, even forced himself onto her. Other stories comes in forms of intimidation and threats. And the guy she's engaged to, she had told me there was physical abuse, and there was proof of that because I saw them on her when I went to go check on her one day. She was moving him out because I saw the stuff that he had left out for him to go get. However, after only being there an hour and us just having a friendly talk, she asked me to leave abruptly because she was afraid he'd come back and something bad would happen. I felt disheartened because this was someone who had been through quite a bit. Now, her messaging has significantly gone down, I hardly see her at the place we normally meet each other at with our friends, just not having ANY sort of interaction with her at all. She claims things are better with her ex, but, again, I question it because I've seen this kind of behavior before with a relative of mine who might be going through something similar.

Anyway, fast forward to this past weekend (02/10/2024) and I'm with mutual friends of this woman. Now, our friends and I were catching up and brought up this woman and what she had told me. This woman, supposedly, had told our mutual friends about the things that have happened to her with her ex because I was telling them what was going on currently (mainly due that they too have not seen nor talked to this woman in several months). Well, the one friend that I told about the ex to, which I thought this person knew because the woman claimed she told her, said she was never told this. She admitted it wouldn't surprise her because she knew this ex too, but she said there was no such story told to her about what this woman I was interested in's ex did. And there were a couple other things as well that another former friend of this woman told me. At the time, they had been fighting so I thought nothing of it, but this friend I met up with this past weekend, she said basically the same things this other person said: statements and stories that were never told to them, even though they were more directly involved with this woman. So the question I'm now asking myself is did this woman actually feel something towards me or was it a rouse to give her attention in the end? I never mistreated her, we had fun together, and we're still friends. If she did have that same connection as I thought I did with her, why did she end up with a man who might still be an abuser? Has she always prefer the bad boys? Why do I feel as if I have some sort of strong connection to her, was it our friendship or did I truly believe there was a future with us as a couple in it?

There's more questions than answers at this point, and if it turned out she just played me, then I don't know what our friendship's going to be like in the future. I may still speak to her on occasion or never again. I really thought we had a strong connection to one and other, but maybe it was me just hoping something was going to come of it. Just the thought of actually having someone who could be a good spouse, someone I could love and she loves me back, we do stuff for each other, sacrifice, it all sounds good and could have been a potential reality. But as life progressed and I learned more, I'm beginning to realize that future is not meant to be, and the person you loved for some time never actually loved you the same way. And when you thought that you were on the verge, you had to abandon it because of other things that could have been catastrophic, like destroying a friendship with other people around you (long story).

I feel you on this subject, and this man you haven't seen for several years, it's tough not think about what could have been. Right now, for me, there might be a glimmer of hope. One of the friends I met up with this weekend, she and I have been doing stuff together for the past year and a half and have become pretty close to one and other. We think a lot alike, been through many of the same problems and challenges (some we're both facing now), and we seem to have an understanding of each other. We're closer in age (she's 32 y/o), we enjoy dancing (she's not only an instructor at a studio she's at but also a student and a teacher for the school part of it for modern dance, while I'm competing and showcasing in ballroom and Latin dancing), we enjoy singing, traveling, trying new things, I've come to really like this girl. The only thing I'm hoping is I'm not fooling myself. However, unlike the last woman, this one's been true to her word and honest to me, which goes an extremely long way for me. I don't know what the future holds and I'm nervous. But her sister, brother-in-law, and family and other friends all seem to like me, so, getting to know the people close to her, if there was a problem they'd ALL let me know.  Although, she told me if she had a problem with me, she would tell me at that moment. So far, for nearly 2 years hanging out together and doing stuff, she hasn't had a complaint yet. I don't know, maybe not only do I think I have a connection with her, but she may think so to with me. I'm just hoping and praying that nothing bad because I really like this one. Not because she's a beautiful woman, but rather we connect on so many different other areas, probably more so than the other woman. I greatly respect her, too, based on her life's experiences.

Either way, the reality is you AND this man you describe must have a mutual connection. I can't say one way or another if this guy does. You seem to have moved on for the most part with a new bf, so I think you might be overthinking it. He's a relic of the past and he reminds you of when there good times between the both of you. However, there's always a reason as to why you two called it off, and you may find out the effects of it. Sounds like he doesn't care whether or not you're with someone. He's not respecting your relationship to your current bf. I bet he's charming, but that doesn't matter. That ship has sailed and your current bf sounds like you two have an actual connection. Just to double back on my examples above, if the first woman came back into my life and not married, and if for some reason I ended up dating the one friend I saw this past weekend, I don't think I would go back to the first woman because I got to know this friend of ours very well. The friend I have known as long as the first woman, never found interest in her because, again, I was clocking out of dating, but instead remained friends, the other woman began her supposed pursuit of me, feeling like it was cat and mouse with her, and eventually the friend and I got a group of friends together one night when I was feeling low because of the other woman and that's where my interest in her began to spark. We sang karaoke together, shared drinks, danced together, talked, and just had a great time. At the time she was kind of seeing someone, but it was brief and she invited me to go to an event with her after she and that other guy were done (they weren't bf/gf at all, just seeing each other and it sounded like the guy was very pushy), and ever since we have been doing more stuff and even got to meet people in her family and other friends. She even told me 2 months ago that this past year that we have got very close to one and other, and I can see and feel that. You can say I do have a kind of love for her, more than the other woman. A REAL connection, at least, I'm hoping it is. But if she's been inviting me to events, and I with her, there might be something there. And if this guy from your past doesn't display that, it's time to let him go. So I hope you make the right decision and be with your current bf. He's there now and has been faithful to you, right? So try not to betray his trust. Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/11/2024 at 10:17 PM, Alvi said:

He wants to come and see me and tells me that he wants to marry me.

How do you not see this as a huge red flag? 

Me thinks this man views you as easy target and a woman without strong boundaries. It's not flattering that he's being absurd and saying he wants to marry you when you haven't spoken in years. It's actually insulting. He knows most women would have told him to go fly a kite with that nonsense. 

But he knew you wouldn't. Think about what that says about his real perception of you. 

[MsJayne]

 

On 2/12/2024 at 7:17 AM, Alvi said:

He actually apologized for a lot of things that he did wrong to me. He told me that he has grown a lot during a last couple of years takes  a full responsibility of some things that he said and done in the past, including hurting me.

He showed you who he was years ago, and the fact that he's apologising right at the same time that he wants something should tell you that he hasn't changed at all. He's still an as***le. 

On 2/12/2024 at 7:17 AM, Alvi said:

Also, his finances are shaky

So he's clutching at straws. He's got more front than Macy's contacting you and blathering on about wanting to marry you. He's a drowning man looking for a life raft. I think you'd be making a huge mistake inviting him into your life, especially if you're financially stable. He's not the one that got away, he's the one you got away from . 

[Wiseman2]

Please step back and reflect. "I'm having financial problems and I want to marry you", sounds like he's looking for a retirement plan, not reuniting with an old flame. 

[BreakOnThrough]

Chalk it up to something that wasn't meant to be and move on.  You were never really with him, at this point, you don't even know this person.  Grass is not always greener.

[Acacia98]

I'm with the folks who reckon he's looking for a retirement plan and, quite possibly, a caregiver. You know he's experiencing financial issues. But what about the ins and outs of his health? Has it occurred to you that he may anticipate needing a caregiver-spouse down the road and you would fit the bill quite nicely? Would you be okay carrying all that heavy responsibility on your shoulders for someone whom, quite frankly, you barely know and don't already have a solid relationship with?

Also, it really shouldn't be this easy for a guy to waltz back into your life and cause so much emotional upheaval when you are already in a relationship with someone else. Why did you leave the  door wide open for him?

[Mrin]

On 2/12/2024 at 1:13 PM, smackie9 said:

This guy is just being desperate. He's going through his little black book contacting old flames to see what sticks. Block/delete

This. 100%. He's just "re-mining" his contacts to see what shakes out. He's looking for an ego boost, sex, money or maybe just some no strings companionship. 

 OP: have you told him that you are in a committed relationship? If so, and he's still acting this way, then it's obvious he doesn't respect you or have your best interests at heart. 

Just block and delete. Otherwise you're just a moth to a flame. Again. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 2/17/2024 at 4:13 PM, Acacia98 said:

I'm with the folks who reckon he's looking for a retirement plan and, quite possibly, a caregiver.

A "nurse with a purse"  🤣

[stillafool]

On 2/11/2024 at 4:17 PM, Alvi said:

Well, I am dating someone and things are going good between myself and my BF. I don't want to screw things up nor am I looking to have an affair (even an emotional one).

Then don't.  Put this guy out of your mind.  If he was so in love with you why didn't he reach out sooner and let you know.  He's now getting old and desperate and looking for a nurse.  No thank  you.

[Acacia98]

18 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

A "nurse with a purse"  🤣

😆