Is it 'normal' to always have to pay everything for a woman, even in a relationship?

[IrinaM]

So are you broken up now? Has she moved out?

[Wiseman2]

Did you break up? Did she move out, "considering  you aren't together anymore"?

Edited February 15 by Wiseman2

[SlimShadysWife]

She's just a girlfriend, she needs to stay in her girlfriend lane. No you don't have to pay. Stop paying everything, doesn't matter what culture. 

[glows]

Please read up on codependency Op. She can pay for her own rides. You have broken up with her. 

She doesn’t need you. You just want to believe you’re needed/wanted.

The whole premise of this unhealthy dynamic is that you are afraid of being alone and were/are afraid of losing her. It’s an unhealthy dependency on someone. You both were a relationship of convenience. 

[Els]

Sorry, I didn't read the entire comment, but from the other comments it sounds like you've broken up. No, you don't have to do anything for her now that you are broken up. It's best if you go your separate ways.

I'm not sure what happens on the home front, though. Presumably you are going to ask her and her mother to move out, with a reasonable grace period. And then... are you going to actually maintain your home and personal hygiene now? Or are you just going to let it slide back to how it was before? You realize that you HAVE to make a change in that department, right, if you ever want to attract a woman who isn't vulnerable and desperate?

 

[Els]

18 hours ago, ST05 said:

But it seemed all the time so unfair to me, that she would do a few hours of chores, and relax the rest of the day.

I finally had the time to read your mammoth post, and noticed that you bring the "hours" thing up quite a lot. Again, I'll say that this is all water under the bridge, you don't owe her anything and it's fine to leave. But I do have to say that I don't understand why you would ever get in a relationship where one partner does all the housework and the other partner does all the income earning, if this is how you feel about it. With this mindset, you would be more compatible with a person who wants to split the bills AND the housework - you'd have to hold up your end of the bargain with the housework though, of course. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

The problem with your "unequal hours" view is that in the long term, hours worked at a job are NOT equal to hours worked as unpaid household labour. The person with the job gets job experience, professional contacts, and skills learned - all of which help you get a better job in the future with higher earning potential. They also get you the security of knowing that your livelihood will not be destroyed if you break up.

The person working unpaid household labour gets NONE of that. Sparkly toilets only last as long as the next poop. The only long term gain they get out of their role is the relationship - which isn't necessarily permanent, as you can see, and which the other person also gets. The only way this typically gets balanced out is by the extra free time that they get, which can be used to be a student, or to learn a new skill, or to start their own small business, etc. Unfortunately as a refugee I'm not sure how much of that benefit she got... and now all those hours of scrubbing toilets to a sparkly finish are for naught. If she'd done it for a job, at least she'd get a point on her resume.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad - again, it was her choice to do that and you don't owe her anything. I'm just saying that I don't agree with your view on this, and it's unfortunate that you didn't communicate this view with her earlier.

Edited February 15 by Els

[ST05]

Hi all,

Yes, I broke up with her, or rather, she broke up with me. She recognized I'm no good for her last monday, I brought her and her mom back to their home. I saw her again last thursday, after bringing her to the appointment and we had a long talk.

She started to understand why I kept her 'around', and in turn why I did the things that hurt her so much, all the time. Although I didn't have a problem remembering what she likes, I didn't exactly go out of my way to make her happy, or at least, not in the way she wanted to be treated.

It seems like she has always liked me, though it's incredibly hard for me to believe, still. This is simply because I never really wanted her. Add to that the 'roles' that I was never happy with to begin with. I lied about not having a problem with paying, though I never broke keeping up this promise.

I wanted a relationship, and as much as  I have been a **** for doing this, she fell for me. Again, it's hard to believe that she liked me, in my opinion simply because I didn't like her. Don't so from my view it's simply hard to believe that she could like me for the right reasons. 

It's strange that only now, I started to think about it. I used my conscious mind to make my subconscious mind believe it was going to work. But the same thoughts kept coming back. Every time. I never got any rest. I kept upsetting and hurting her because I didn't think about the things beforehand I did and said to her. I didn't think about this because I simply didn't care about her. Yes, I wanted to be with her, but for the wrong reasons.

Apparantly, she also made some confessions. It seemed like she is as much, if not more scared to be lonely, and never have children of her own. Much like me, it seems. But our expectations of 'roles' is so far apart,, and how we want to be treated, I would love to have gotten more attention from her, but this always seemed to be very much a one way direction towards her. I simply didn't like this kind of arrangement, and I strongly believe she will never change herself, because this is what she wants, who she is, and probably what she needs if not what she thinks she deserves, when I look at her good heart and past hardships.

 

Our low self esteem brought us together, me thinking I could make it 'work', she, I'm still not sure, maybe she simply liked me, in combination with her deep fear of being alone forever, being in a country she hates, and an impossibility to return to the country she loves. This 'relationship' was, for me, based on fear and denial. For her, ok, she didn't want to be alone, she probably knew there are men out there that did want her, but her life long low self esteem (like mine) caused her to not have met them.

If you don't immediately like eachother from the beginning, it will never work. I don't have much experience in life with relationships, but I believe this to be true. If the first feeling isn't good, it will never be good. Yes, I had a good time with her, and yes, I believe she believed it could work, because I adapted everytime to her wishes only to keep her around. I didn't change, but I did change my behavior, and learned a lot from her and this relationship.

 

I know, if we will stay in contact, I will keep hurting her. Like last thursday, after we talked, I started to feel for her, and she seemed to feel a lot again for me. On the surface, I seemed to want her. But on a level below, I wanted her, again, for the wrong reasons, really only for bed time. We kissed a lot, ate and went for walk, and as much I wanted to believe again it could work again, I know it can't. Our interests, desires and wishes are far too apart and we will never be able to meet each others expectations.

I don't understand why she keeps picking up men like me. Maybe because she feels she is not 'worthy' of men who are in a good state, simply put. So she feels she needs to pick up broken men, and when she gets them back up and running again, they might start to love her for what all the good she has done to them? Instead, or at least this time, it seemed to have backfired, and she has gained nothing, if not less. Yes, I did buy her gifts, took her to all kinds of places, even very far, but what good are these memories if you found out it was all a lie.

I must cut her off. It will be good for her. She must let me go. She must stop believing we can be. I must not fool her and use her. I really want to make it up to her though. I just don't see how I can do that without staying in contact with her. I promised I would help her with her health issues, but now I don't see how I can do that, because we will be talking again, she will want me again, and I won't be able to resist the temptation of using her again. 

Sure, I can still help her with her health and everything, without looking at or talking to her. It's going to be an incredibly cold deal though. Even if I manage to hold my end of this 'deal', her fear of being alone might come again, and she might feel the same tempation towards me, which I most likely will play into myself. It will start up the whole factory of 'misery' again and we come out of it  beaten up every time.

It's going to require an incredible amount of discipline to help her heal in every way, and not be tempted to be drawn to each other again. There are going to be very dark times for both me and her when we decide to not see each other anymore forever. But I don't know, I guess there's no reason why we can't get over that, and continue our lives in separate ways. I feel like a **** for leaving her hurt though, considering her investment in me, without getting any 'interest' on it.

I for one could not live with the stress of being around her. She had expectations from me I could never fulfill. She shouldn't be around me because I would only want to be with her for the wrong reasons.

I'm not sure what to do. As a matter of fact, I will be meeting her this morning as yesterday she asked me to come by to apologize to her mom, who always wanted her to stop being wth me anyway. I hurt my ex yesterday again after a long videocall. It turns out I didn't realize I was hurting her again because I don't think about her feelings. I want to tell her we should stop meeting, but I'm worried I will not be strong enough, I know when I finally stop it dark times will come to me again, which I don't want, which is very selfish by the way.

We must break out of this loop. I think I must cut this loop.

[Wiseman2]

It's good you broke up with her, and her and her mom went back to their home. 

By your own admission, you were sort of just using each other, so it's better that you are both free from that. 

[IrinaM]

2 hours ago, ST05 said:

I brought her and her mom back to their home.

I thought they both lived with you. Did she maintain her own separate residence this whole time?

[Els]

Yes, if you don't see a future with her, it's best for you to go no contact. Sticking around and trying to "help" will only make things worse for her.

I do have to say that I'm impressed by the level of introspection that you've done into your motives and personality. If you keep doing this, and work on the hygiene habits alongside that, it's likely that you will eventually find a partner whom you're compatible with and whom you can actually fall in love with.

[GypsyArcher]

This woman was totally using and taking advantage of you.

Any woman who allows you to pay for everything is just using you.

Just cut this woman off and don't contact her again. Seriously. You don't owe her anything.

[Gaeta]

On 2/17/2024 at 1:36 AM, ST05 said:

We must break out of this loop. I think I must cut this loop

Yes you must. You will be fine, she will be fine.

[ST05]

Well there is a whole lot more than I thought there was. For those who read my big long posts, well let me summarize it for you, I thought it was ME who was the manipulator.

Of course I definitely lied to her about my feelings for her for a long period of time.. but now that' we're definitely over.. oh boy let me tell you something...

On 2/17/2024 at 10:14 AM, IrinaM said:

I thought they both lived with you. Did she maintain her own separate residence this whole time?

Yes, for a long period of time my ex lived with me. Her mom did too, but that was only for I don't know.. in total maybe a week or three, four? And yes, she/they did maintain their own residence this whole time. I have to admit though, her mom never really seemed like a person who would take advantage of anyone. As a matter of fact, I think it was her mom who started to clean a lot in my apartment, without me even asking for it. After we all finished eating, it was her who started to clean up, not my gf, started to do the dishes and cooking. She never asked for anything in return. I was constantly thinking to myself; my gf should be doing that! She let's her mom take over the household tasks and now she is taking total and full advantage of the situation and it made me feel very bad. They are now both back in their own home by the way.

On 2/20/2024 at 6:59 PM, Els said:

Yes, if you don't see a future with her, it's best for you to go no contact. Sticking around and trying to "help" will only make things worse for her.

I do have to say that I'm impressed by the level of introspection that you've done into your motives and personality. If you keep doing this, and work on the hygiene habits alongside that, it's likely that you will eventually find a partner whom you're compatible with and whom you can actually fall in love with.

Well, I don't want to just look back on this relationship with only negativity. She did do a lot of things for me, I learned a lot from her including financial 'management' like not buying frivolous stuff and finding bargains, but also hygiene etiquette, I still try to maintain my home neatly as possible, although I'm not as 'hardcore' with that like she was. She could really freak out over the littlest of things with regards to hygiene and cleanliness that seemed over the top, even for me!

But I do think twice now (as often as possible) about the decisions I make about what I eat, about cleaning, keeping things tidy and organised, hygiene in general etc. although I find it difficult to keep everything in my apartment 'up to date'. Dust gathers quickly and the kitchen counter, shower and toilet are things that I don't like to clean at all, I'm even considering hiring a maid for that, I can't find the time and will to clean it. But yeah I'm definitely thankful for all that she taught me.

On 2/27/2024 at 12:49 AM, GypsyArcher said:

This woman was totally using and taking advantage of you.

Any woman who allows you to pay for everything is just using you.

Just cut this woman off and don't contact her again. Seriously. You don't owe her anything.

I took a deep sign when reading that, but I think I also took advantage of her, but in hindsight, a lot less than I thought I was, or how she made me out to be!! 

 

Last tuesday we cut the knot. Afterwards, weird things started to happen. Weird as in.. weird for me to realize I have been fooled by her more than I fooled myself or her.

I have track back. The first days and week we met, she seemed genuine. Like not out to take advantage of me. I paid for everything in the first week, which I think already gave me a bad feeling. I remember she talked a lot, and I didn't ask me any or hardly any questions about me. I remember I desperately tried to please her at the time. I followed her around like a puppy, and I think I have for a whole year. What's worse, she made me feel guilty about a lot of things, downright made me feel bad in various ways.

Admitting she was wrong, was something she didn't do, and when she was wrong because I was right, it was definitely not to be recognized. I have never received a compliment or positive gesture from her unless I had to ask for it. In the first week, in bed, I asked her what do you like about me? She stayed silent. I didn't dare to ask again, because I knew I didn't like her either. But it certainly was interesting to look back on this.

After this first week, she started to ask questions if I really loved her. I think I said this in bed a few times, but this was because it aroused me somehow. I think she told me she loved me too, but can someone possibly love someone else in one week? Perhaps due to the language barrier, she meant to say she was in love with me. But if she did, why didn't see show interest in me and did I have to follow her around? There are so many things that just don't add up. For every thought or event it seems there's something to stack against it, leaving me in constant doubt.

Anyway she started to ask 'feelings' questions after this week and I answered honestly. I didn't have feelings for her. I said I thought it could still come. I said it might take time and Iwanted to get to know her better first and build a connection. She didn't understand that last part though, but it might make sense. I know if you see someone, you can indeed really like someone from the first second of meeting. Her really liking me from the first meeting, is something I don't and shouldn't discard as a possibility.

 

It's what happened after that made it go off-course. Because she got upset I didn't feel for her, and was upset about me lying that I loved her. Which seemed fair to me. I don't know how but a bunch of weeks after I started to contact her again. I thought I had not 'given it my all' so I wanted to meet her again. I really wanted to experience what it was like to have a relationship. After some convincing, we started to date again, and of course I started to pay for everything. But I think this is the point the relationship was doomed to fail.

Me trying to constantly having to convince myself and her that I liked and loved her was eating me up from the inside from that moment until the end. However. I did tell her after the very first week we met that I didn't have feelings for her. Which leaves me to question, she knew I didn't have feelings for her. But this is where it becomes confusing again. She might have truly believed the feelings could come from my side. Either that, or she decided to continue to be with me because she couldn't find any other 'better' men.

Because oh boy, the men she met left her 'in the dirt' and hurt a thousand times more than I would ever do, or she claimed I did. From the very first weeks she stayed at my home, she started to get upset about the smallest of things and there was so much fury in her eyes it scared me a lot. Now I didn't say anything back out of fear of losing her, but I also didn't know how to respond. It felt very unjust to me to react to me like that. Again, I doubted myself knowing I am a very sensitive person with my own bad experiences, so I also figured it had something to do with me taking it too personally and not being able to handle such reactions and emotions.

These furious reactions from her continued throughout our relationship over the smallest of things. If I did every tried to talk 'back' she got even more upset, and the more I 'fought back' because that's always how it felt to me, it never felt like an equal 'we both listen to our thoughts and feelings', the more I pushed the more she started to become very emotional, started to cry, she became silent, I had to comfort for 10-15 minutes before she would speak again, and in the end it was me who always ended up apologizing to her. Most of the times I didn't understood what I did 'wrong'. She was upset about that too! She never accepted that I didn't do things on purpose simply because I didn't know what I did wrong. 

I figured it had something to do with all the traumas she had from her past life and past relationships. But she always got to get upset with me, get her emotions out while I just stood there, took it all, didn't or hardly talked back to her, and didn't get to express my emotions, out of fear of losing her. Well, after I comforted her and me apologizing god knows why I did that every time, I started to make little jokes to make her feel better and that always worked and it felt good to see a smile on her face again. But I always had this pain in my belly from keeping my own emotions inside, which always continued to boil inside me on top of the lies that I 'loved and liked' her.

It was terrible, I couldn't feel what I was really feeling. I knew I couldn't, because if I did start to feel this my true emotions would come ou, she would see it, perhaps ask what's going on and possibly leave me if I would be totally honest with her. I honestly believe there's a possibility we could have worked this out if I had feelings for her. In my opinion, which she also stated, if you truly love and like someone you will not have problems going against someone, because you would want to sort out the argument for the sake of both of yourself and her, rather than 'losing her' out of fear of being alone and not having a future. My lies about my feelings made it impossible for me to express myself.

I just want to have said, I think this whole problematic relationship was perhaps not so much the fact that I had to pay for everything thinking she was taking advantage of me. I think I gladly would have paid everything for her if I had true feelings for her and it would not be so much of a problem. Although I honestly believe most western men would not have agreed to continue doing this considering what you get in return for it, and what's more, where's the roof on this thing? How much paying for everything is enough? When I finally had a paid job, she started to tell me she wanted a new (i)phone. It felt like the deeper my pockets became, the more had to be pulled out.

Add to the fact that many (traditional) Ukrainian women appear (from what I researched and could find on the internet, I'm still not convinced) to 'assume' that the man pays for everything, every time everywhere, it makes me believe this entire relationship was built on lies (from me) and miscommunication (from both of us) as well as unrealistically high expectations (from her). She brought her Ukrainian 'the guy must always pay' culture to my country, and held on to that firmly. Somehow I feel like she knew that I was 'vulnerable' which showed clearly throug my puppy behavior. I continue to ask myself, did she think she finally found a guy who loved her and accepted her 'culture' of paying, or was she as gullible as me to believe feelings could still come and everything would be fine?

I mean she's an intelligent woman, she should have known. But when I heard about her experience with all the men she dated (which could have been lies of course) she seemed like the woman who continued to make the same mistake every time. This relationsip felt so 'double' in every moment. Every piece of 'evidence' I find against her, there is something that wll delete or at least contradict my suspicion.

Well anyway... of course I continued to pay for everything, I took her on trips etc. even though I couldn't afford it being on a benefit, burying myself in debt a bunch of hundreds of Euros. In hindsight though, every time, from beginning to the end of the relationship, she would come up with ideas where to go. Now ok, I never travelled anywhere or explored anything. But it is the way she 'suggested' things. She would look up things on Google maps or the internet, and she wouldn't discuss or outright ask me if I wanted to go there. It was never like that. She always brought it like 'I want to go there', instead of, 'shall we go there?', or 'what do you think about this place?'. Since I never had a relationship I didn't know what was normal, so I accepted it, and I buried my hunches that this wasn't normal out of fear her discovering my lies about my feelings for so I would just do whatever she wanted. I also figured, I didn't know what else to do so yeah.. I didn't really feel like I had any choice.

Everytime we would go somewhere, she would decide where to go. She was quick to find new places, and I followed her around like a puppy often thinking what the hell am I doing and why am I even here, knowing in the back of my mind I didn't want to do this, not with her, certainly not this way, I didn't like cultural stuff, but I went along with it anyway to cover my own lies and I did thought it was nice to explore new places. But god, why did it feel like I was always following her around? Would it have made a difference if I told her I didn't like it? Or if I wanted to go somewhere else (I never knew where). I think if I did like/love her, I would have stood up for myself, because I didn't have to fear losing her.

Yet, if she thought I did like and love her, she still didn't ask me any questions about where to go, if I liked something about this and that. It was always me following her around. Often she would go in a direction holding my phone (because it had a better camera) and I felt robbed of my ability to do something else because I wasn't interested and I couldn't do anything else but either follow her or sit somewhere, while she explored places and made photos and videos. I felt like a dang servant, taxi driver and walking ATM every time. Who was I to her? I might as well have been a stranger to her. At most a friend. I always catered to her needs, and my whole life felt like it was built to serve her, this was especially the case when she started to live with me more and more. I'm thinking to myself who am I? Like, am I doing anything I like for myself at all? 

She didn't even want me to visit my friends or family. I allowed her to slowly cut them off from me. She told me, she didn't want to meet my mom because I spoke bad about her to my mom, as I claimed my ex to take advantage of me regarding money. Well ok, that seemed fair, but then again, how many times did she complain to her own mom about me? I didn't understand what she was saying to her mom of course, but somehow I felt like she was always and continously complaining to her mom about me, like I'm such a bad guy. And if i was,  why stay with me? Of course I never found the evidence because I don't understand the language and her mom doesn't speak a single word of English. But I could hear my ex swearing and calling me 'bipolar' or whatever. 

I think she talked bad about me to justify her own behavior, made me out to be the bad guy so that any possible faults on her side would be 'covered' or at least 'compensated' like a preparation. OK, I didn't love her but dang, I did everything for her and her mom. I always paid. I brought them everywhere, and serviced them to a level probably many men would not have done that. But again, I didn't know what they were talking about and again, the clear evidence lacks. Sometimes I felt like recording and translating what they were saying but the thought of it would make me feel like a xxx in the first place, especially considering the possibility she was not talking bad about me at all. This keeps me spinning circles in my mind to this day.

 

If I had true feelings for her, I would have done everything out of genuine effort. I would have found out who she truly was in various ways. Maybe she would have fooled me life long, but maybe she would have been able to love me life long. It's this doubt that haunts me so much every day.. who was she?

 

I did find evidence of gaslighting a few times. She might have done that out of her own insecurity, but she certainly did that. And of course because it was gas lighting, you will always have a little bit of doubt in your mind wether it was true or not. But I'm confident it happened, and I never did that to her.

She also didn't show any 'affection' like other women. Like, I don't know, simply put her arm around me, being romantic or whatever. Of course I didn't know what as 'normal' and not. Perhaps she wasn't an affectionate woman. She wasn't like her mother at all who really knew how to care for someone. But maybe she was just scared to get close to me. Although I did feel like, and she even told me, it was the man who was supposed to court the woman. Of course because of my lie, I wasn't very affectionate either, and perhaps she simply didn't return it, or didn't dare to.

There have been multple break ups. When I asked her why she wanted to be with me I noticed it was very difficult for her to tell me why. One time she mentioned she simply didn't want to be alone. Seems fair. I would have been fine with any such answer. I would have been fine with her telling her true intentions, because I think I would have loved to be able to be honest with each other. If she wanted to be with me forever without having true feelings for me, I would probably be OK with that. Of course I would want her to work on her emotions though.. they can be so extreme. And she probably has many traumas causing her to behave like this. I couldn't handle it. I had my own issues. 

I think what she needs is an emotionally 'strong' man, who is willing to pay everything for her, and actually likes her and has similar interests. We were complete opposites to each other, burdening each other with either wrong intentions, lies and emotions of insecurity.

What I would have wanted, was a woman who kind, sweet and caring. Someone who also emotionally stable, had her 'own' life like me, not too much, but enough to give each other enough breathing room, and 'alone' or 'away from home' time. My ex claimed me so much, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't practise my hobbies, I simply didn't have time for it, due to exhaustion and especially following her around like a puppy and building my life completely around her, not me. I totally lost myself, and my money, my savings, although it was nice to travel far and wide, it always felt like she was going by herself, and I was just coming along. She loves nature. Not people. But that's just my opinion, probably a correct observation. But every person wants some good 'bed time'. Every person needs the ability and transport and finances to travel, which is where I came in. And as individual a person may be, no one likes to be alone.

Perhaps it was enough for her to have someone 'around her'. Of course she wanted love, but by god, she was so incredibly unrealistic in her dreams and demands, never wanted to put water with the wine to make me happy, and she never deviated from her desires wishes and dreams, while I had completely built all of my life around her to satisfy her. It seems like she took a lot more than I did. The 'lies' about my feelings for her I have exposed myself to her many times, yet she continued to meet me, complain about me and put me down claiming I did something wrong, that I tried to intentionally hurt her, and I started to believe it too. Knowing I have a influencial mind, I felt like she started to plant thoughts in my mind of me being a bad person, and I notice I question myself with every motive I have now. I notice I claim myself to be a bad person.

She knows how to 'dig' in someones mind. But did she plant the seeds of my thoughts there or were they really already there? When I don't think about it, I like to help people, make people feel good. Maybe I do it to attract women. Maybe I do it because I am a pleaser. But what's so dang bad about wanting to attract a woman? What's so bad about it if it will make both persons happy? Aren't men hardwired to attract women much like women are to men? Why do I need to question myself so much.

 

Whatever my thoughts.. there is enough evidence she didn't care for me, for sure not in the later stages of our relationship.

When we would travel, like I mentioned it was never about what 'we wanted' let alone what I wanted. She would take many, many photos of nature, scenery, but never of me, and hardly together. If she did the latter, it felt like she did it to satisfy me as to make feel we are still a couple. She claimed me to be 'dicator', telling her where and how to make a picture of what. But to me, it felt like she never listened to me, to what I wanted, so of course I started to get upset and push her. I desperately tried to get her to listen to what I wanted, albeit not in the most kind way. But then again, any 'friendly' attempt often failed, if I dared to try at all. Again, it always felt like I was there coming along with her. While I was paying for everything and driving, she would be making pictures and videos while driving and I am simply missing out on all the action!

Yeah, whenever I told her how I felt bad about something, or something she did to me, it would often be ignored or turned around against me, only if I became clearly upset, emotional, and upset, she would have attention for me. But why do I need to go this far to get attention from her? I felt totally unappreciated by all of my efforts (which always felt 'taken for granted') and when I confronted her about that she would get upset with me, rather than a kind, convincing and caring way of telling me otherwose.

Almost all of the photos and videos she took on our travel, were either from buildings, nature or herself. One time I asked her to take a picture of me on a very nice sceneric background, and she claimed that what I was asking was weird, and something men don't do and shouldn't ask for. I felt bad about and I never did it again. 

 

When she lived with me, especially when her mom did too, my bills were so high I felt financiallty choked. I didn't know how much I was spending and earning anymore, what the balance was. I never dared to ask her mom let alone my ex for financial compensation, because my ex had always claimed 'if you really want to help someone you shouldn't need to ask for money in return'. So I didn't.

Whenever I even showed her my finances, she would not even seem to care, or want to pay attention to it. She didn't even respond to it. That made me feel so bad and left out in the dirt by her. It was very painful. A few weeks ago, after break up, and her returning to her home, she started to ask for stuff. Hey, can you pick up this and that for me here and there from 'craigslist' like ads. Sometimes the item was a low price, sometimes it was a free item. Me being the gullible guy thinking I could still win her over, I started to notice I was runnng 'errands' for her and spending not only money for the item, but a lot more for gas and my time while we're not even in a relationship anymore! I was single, and I am still paying and spending my time for her. Yes, we did have a 'good time' together in this time a few times, but the balance is off considering what I did for her, and she likes bed time as much as I do.

She even claimed I 'stole' money from her, when I drove her and her mom somewhere, she did fully reimburse gas costs etc, but she claimed I charged more than I spent for this trip. It hurt me a lot because I knew I calculated everything correctly, and when I showed her how I calculated this (which felt wrong to me) she would go silent, and probably still didn't believe me.

She often mentioned her dream of going back to Ukraine and have a small home there. She never mentioned my name though. She always spoke about how she wanted that, but not never included my name, ask me about it, and I found out about this dream when she told about this to someone else, I was sitting next to her and was like 'whatttt?' as if she never planned to stay with me. It hurt me but of course I didn't say that. I confronted her with this, and we spoke about it a little, but considering the current situation I didn't see it happen myself in the first place.

And another thing. I actually became interested in her. I didn't love her, but I was interested in her background, stories, whatever she had to say, I asked questions. But here's the thing. Whenever I told something, especially when it was a longer story, I didn't feel like she was listening or interested. She didn't ask any questions or show any interest and then claimed I was 'stuck in the past', while it was just a funny or good experience for me. What's worse, at one point when I started to talk a lot about something, she would just stay silent. And what was especially painful for me, is that she would not give me a single 'nod' or 'uhuh' even, she basically waited for me to finish, and she started to speak about something TOTALLY different, completely ignoring and not acknowleding anything I had said, often I wanted a response from her or some compassion or emotional support, but she ignored all what I just told, and started to talk about something she wanted, like going to a store, buying something, going to a place. I'm like what the hell!! You can at least try to show interest.

 

In the whole relationship, she never had shown any interest in what I was capable of, my hobbies etc. what I liked or wanted. If I did tell her or show her what I created, it was talked down on, 'not enough'  and not acknowledged as something impressive let alone interesting. No interest was shown and her questions were only evoked when I explicitly made it so she would or ask questions. I had to create the situation in a certain way to a single drop of attention and positivity from her. Again, she never complimented me. When I told her 'I solved that nicely didn't I?', she claimed I was seeking validation, while in fact I was just asking for a single drop of positivity and attention from her about me. I had shown so much genuine interest in her, cared for her, paid for, completely built my life around her to please her, I gave her many, many compliments but I never got any from her unless I asked (or had to ask) for it.

 

A few times I had the guts to ask her what she liked about me. Why she wanted to be with me. Most of the time it was circumvented, but when pushed, she told me she liked me eyes, my smile, that made me feel good. But I noticed she had to really think about it. But one thing she never did was mention things about me as a person. My personality. Almost a year in our relationship I discovered she didn't know how to write, no, she simply didn't know my last name. I don't think she even ever asked for it. That was painful for me. She seemed ashamed but then again didn't care much, nor did I because this was near the end of relationship anway.

I got a few more answers from her later, and they were then worse than before. She liked me because 'I helped her' and "I took care of her'. And I'm like... that's it?? It took her a lot more time then it should have. If you like and love someone, should you not be able to clearly name it? She always got upset to me when I asked her this, she told me she 'simply liked' me. But I didn't understand what exactly, and that didn't seem to be allowed to ask, if not it was taken as an insult, and I would be a bad person for asking her and doubting her feelings for me.

Long story short. If you don't like a woman, end it right there. If you don't have that first butterfly 'yes she is it!' good first impression the first moment you see her, she's not it. Don't lie to get a relationship.

Whatever the hell she felt for me, remains to this day a mystery to me. I tried hard to extract this from her. I did so the last week. She claimed I used her. Of course I will never kow the truth. She is either moving on to her next victim, or I wasted her time lying to her, although she knew after one week, if not months after of me confessing (multiple times) so yeah, I think she did keep me hanging around much like I did her. So who fooled who?

Sometimes I feel like she did like me the first week, after she gave me another shot, but after that she willingly knew what she was getting into. An intelligent woman like her, would have simply known!

Either way I'm happy I got to experience it all and be with her, it brought me many positive things, and she got to travel far and wide. I know I learned from this, I hope she has too.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you miss the drama and blaming someone for being crazy and the victim dynamic. It's great she moved on. You should as well. 

[Els]

With all due respect, OP, I think you've more than completed the post-mortem phase of your breakup and should try to progress to healing and moving on. I get the desire to overanalyze everything that happened in that relationship, but after a certain point it becomes more detrimental than helpful. It's best to go no contact with her for now. In the future just date women who have similar circumstances and cultural beliefs as you (i.e. not a refugee from a different culture with no job), and be sure to do your part with the housework, and you should be fine.

[happyhorizons]

I think this not just about the money you spend. I would not think a man would give a second thought to spending money/providing for someone that they were genuinely in LOVE WITH especially someone who is a war refugee.  

[IrinaM]

In light of the fact that she has maintained her own residence this entire time, she was never "living with you while you paid for everything." She had her own apartment and paid the rent and/or utilities, upkeep,etc on it. She also spent the night at your apartment some amount of the time.

[Acacia98]

I'm glad you finally figured out that the dynamic of the relationship was very unhealthy. And I am glad that you engage in introspection this deep. That's always 90% of the work, you know? Doing the thinking, trying to be self-aware, trying to understand the other person...

Anyway, for your sake, I'm glad it's over. Please go absolute no contact. Don't help her out by picking things up for her; don't help her with her health... 

She seems to know how to use your guilt to get a heck of a lot out of you. So shut the door, lock it, and get on with your life as a single man.

Edited March 18 by Acacia98