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Is my relationship right for me?


scotty1993

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scotty1993

Hey, I'm a 30 year old guy. I'm gay, I have a boyfriend of the same age. This is my 2nd ever relationship, it's almost been 2 years. 

I just want some advice please, I don't know if I'm just worrying or maybe I've fallen out of love?

Basically these are the things I worry about:

  • He doesn't drive. So it's me constantly going over to his because he doesn't seem to want to use public transport. He says it "takes too long" and it just seems a bit lazy of him. Other than 1 occasion, I have gone to his at least once or twice a week for the past 2 years.

 

  • He seems to expect me to work around him all the time? "I finish work at 8pm, so we can meet then" - no consideration when I work earlier than him, and I have to be going to bed around 9/10pm so it's not really possible? Also he'll want me to take days off (unpaid) so we can see one another - but he doesn't do that back? He will work when it's my day off.

 

  • He told me I'm not "spontaneous" enough - I think because of my anxiety, I like to make plans. I don't just want to suddenly go out drinking and have a night out.

 

  • I plan in advance to see friends (they do too) because friends work hours are always all over the place (like mine). He moaned at me the other day saying, I shouldn't do that because he doesn't get his work hours in advance. If I plan to see a friend, it may be on his day off and he wants to see me.

 

  • I feel a bit sad sometimes because whenever I have been to his, he hasn't even offered me a drink. I would the other way round, and I do to friends/family. I mainly drink water, but he doesn't even offer that?

 

  • Due to me stressing to get to him on time, I accidentally collided with another car. Luckily not too much damage and the other person was thankfully fine about it - I took full liability and apologised. I phoned a friend to ask what to do (I have never been in that situation before). I then phoned my boyfriend to say I'd be late. Nearer to his, I pulled over and phoned again and asked what the new plan would be (we were meant to go away somewhere local that night for 1 night). He didn't really think about me? He just said "but our plans tonight are still the same right?" - just after I had been in an accident.

 

  • I was feeling unwell at his the other day. He put his arm around me and then just went on his phone watching tiktok reels. He didn't offer me a drink or help me in anyway.

He says he loves me. But I feel like all the above... does he really mean it? Or am I just stressing about everything? 

When I'm with him, I guess I feel "loved", but when we're apart, it feels different. He says he's excited to see me. I don't feel the excitement anymore. I just feel like "oh I have a stressful drive and he'll be clock watching until I get to him". 

I get bad anxiety and I stress a lot. Is it just that? Or do the things above make you think otherwise? Am I just panicking too much?

I keep putting scenarios in my head like if I broke up with him, and I feel like... it would just give me so much more of my time back? I feel unhappy I can't do my hobbies anymore. I feel so tired/burnt out. All my life seems to be is driving, work, sleeping and seeing him. Sometimes when we're together, I just feel like... am I just here as you want to cuddle and kiss someone?

What is your honest thoughts please? And sorry for the length of this!

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Alpacalia

Well, it does seem like he's quite inconsiderate and lazy, and that's definitely valid to make you feel unhappy. Maybe he is being honest about your spontaneity issue, but the rest feels like it comes down to expecting a lot without reciprocating. Does he ever express gratitude/thankfulness? It feel like he takes you for granted a bit, huh?

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d0nnivain

He sounds very selfish  

Only you can know if you want to continue dating him.  I suggest you make a pros & cons list

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Definitely sounds selfish.

If you plan on staying in this relationship, you're going to need to tone down your desire to be nurturing and giving and to do a better job of looking after your own needs. So, for instance:

  • If you're tired of always having to be the one to go to his place, stop doing it so often. If he's not happy that you're visiting less often, he can make the effort to visit you.
  • If he wants to meet at a time when you're too tired to, simply decline.
  • Make plans to see your friends in advance.
  • When you're at his place, get yourself a drink from his kitchen or carry a drink of your own with you.
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He sounds self centered and now that the honeymoon phase is over you see his true color. 

People don't change, what you see is what you get, sounds like it's not enough anymore. Honestly it would not be enough for me either. You're doing all the weight pulling in this relationship.

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You're making it too easy for him to walk all over you. My first response is just ditch this self-absorbed bore, but if you don't want to do that I suggest you start putting yourself first, beginning with refusing to drive over to his place all the time. Invest some of your time in getting back into your hobbies and re-establishing your preferred routine rather than pandering to his. If he wants to see you he needs to put in some effort, and that includes learning some manners. He sounds like a dreadful prat. 

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I'm reading all of this and it sounds really hard to deal with.  However you haven't mentioned what steps you've taken to try and get your own needs met.   Have you ever told him straight up that you can't do something?  How does he react when you tell him that you're too tired to visit?  Or that you are feeling overwhelmed by doing all the travelling?  I feel like this guy has never been told NO.  I wonder if he was raised thinking that the world revolves around him.

That said, compromise works both ways: if you're wanting him to work around your plans more often, then you'd also need to be spontaneous at times. 

23 hours ago, scotty1993 said:
  • I was feeling unwell at his the other day. He put his arm around me and then just went on his phone watching tiktok reels. He didn't offer me a drink or help me in anyway.

Did you ask for help?  Like if you're ill and need to lay down, will he bring you a drink and painkillers if you ask for it?  Sometimes you have to tell people what you need.

Though with not offering water when you visit, I've got friends who don't think to offer water or a cup of tea, so I just grab a glass and get myself one.  It's no big deal on it's own, but perhaps with all the rest combined it becomes more of an annoyance for you.  

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ShyViolet

You don't sound happy in this relationship at all.  In your entire post, which is quite long, you don't say a single thing about being happy in this relationship, about any redeeming qualities that he has.  So just stop wasting your time and end it.

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NuevoYorko

Definitely not.  All of his negative points aside ... you don't seem to even like the man.  Move on and allow him to do the same.  You both deserve to find partners you are compatible with.

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On 2/11/2024 at 8:53 AM, scotty1993 said:
  • He doesn't drive. So it's me constantly going over to his because he doesn't seem to want to use public transport.
  • He seems to expect me to work around him all the time? "I finish work at 8pm, so we can meet then"

This combination is just inexcusable. IMO it's fine to not drive, as long as he's willing to take public transport or pay for Ubers (which can cost less than car ownership in some situations). If he's not, and he's just expecting you to go to him each time, AND he's inflexible on when he wants you to come... that would be a dealbreaker for many people.

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scotty1993
On 2/13/2024 at 12:45 PM, Els said:

This combination is just inexcusable. IMO it's fine to not drive, as long as he's willing to take public transport or pay for Ubers (which can cost less than car ownership in some situations). If he's not, and he's just expecting you to go to him each time, AND he's inflexible on when he wants you to come... that would be a dealbreaker for many people.

 

On 2/11/2024 at 2:03 AM, Alpacalia said:

Well, it does seem like he's quite inconsiderate and lazy, and that's definitely valid to make you feel unhappy. Maybe he is being honest about your spontaneity issue, but the rest feels like it comes down to expecting a lot without reciprocating. Does he ever express gratitude/thankfulness? It feel like he takes you for granted a bit, huh?

 

On 2/11/2024 at 1:11 PM, d0nnivain said:

He sounds very selfish  

Only you can know if you want to continue dating him.  I suggest you make a pros & cons list

 

On 2/11/2024 at 6:35 PM, Acacia98 said:

Definitely sounds selfish.

If you plan on staying in this relationship, you're going to need to tone down your desire to be nurturing and giving and to do a better job of looking after your own needs. So, for instance:

  • If you're tired of always having to be the one to go to his place, stop doing it so often. If he's not happy that you're visiting less often, he can make the effort to visit you.
  • If he wants to meet at a time when you're too tired to, simply decline.
  • Make plans to see your friends in advance.
  • When you're at his place, get yourself a drink from his kitchen or carry a drink of your own with you.

 

On 2/11/2024 at 6:49 PM, Gaeta said:

He sounds self centered and now that the honeymoon phase is over you see his true color. 

People don't change, what you see is what you get, sounds like it's not enough anymore. Honestly it would not be enough for me either. You're doing all the weight pulling in this relationship.

 

On 2/11/2024 at 9:29 PM, MsJayne said:

You're making it too easy for him to walk all over you. My first response is just ditch this self-absorbed bore, but if you don't want to do that I suggest you start putting yourself first, beginning with refusing to drive over to his place all the time. Invest some of your time in getting back into your hobbies and re-establishing your preferred routine rather than pandering to his. If he wants to see you he needs to put in some effort, and that includes learning some manners. He sounds like a dreadful prat. 

 

On 2/11/2024 at 10:03 PM, basil67 said:

I'm reading all of this and it sounds really hard to deal with.  However you haven't mentioned what steps you've taken to try and get your own needs met.   Have you ever told him straight up that you can't do something?  How does he react when you tell him that you're too tired to visit?  Or that you are feeling overwhelmed by doing all the travelling?  I feel like this guy has never been told NO.  I wonder if he was raised thinking that the world revolves around him.

That said, compromise works both ways: if you're wanting him to work around your plans more often, then you'd also need to be spontaneous at times. 

Did you ask for help?  Like if you're ill and need to lay down, will he bring you a drink and painkillers if you ask for it?  Sometimes you have to tell people what you need.

Though with not offering water when you visit, I've got friends who don't think to offer water or a cup of tea, so I just grab a glass and get myself one.  It's no big deal on it's own, but perhaps with all the rest combined it becomes more of an annoyance for you.  

 

On 2/13/2024 at 6:06 AM, ShyViolet said:

You don't sound happy in this relationship at all.  In your entire post, which is quite long, you don't say a single thing about being happy in this relationship, about any redeeming qualities that he has.  So just stop wasting your time and end it.

 

On 2/13/2024 at 6:35 AM, NuevoYorko said:

Definitely not.  All of his negative points aside ... you don't seem to even like the man.  Move on and allow him to do the same.  You both deserve to find partners you are compatible with.

 

On 2/13/2024 at 12:45 PM, Els said:

This combination is just inexcusable. IMO it's fine to not drive, as long as he's willing to take public transport or pay for Ubers (which can cost less than car ownership in some situations). If he's not, and he's just expecting you to go to him each time, AND he's inflexible on when he wants you to come... that would be a dealbreaker for many people.

Thank you so much everyone. 

In reply to some positives... our music/hobbies are similar. He's sweet, handsome, and not all the time, but he is quite romantic/soppy. 

In reply to what I'm doing... On Tuesday, I told him I wanted to talk to him. The chat went on for hours and I asked him about everything. His feelings for me, what he wants... if I'm honest, with how I was feeling and reeling everything off, I almost felt like saying is it easier to end it. I also suggested what if we were friends. I've been in a relationship in the past, I had never felt "oh I'd want to still know this person/be friends if we broke up". Whereas with my boyfriend now, I do feel I'd still want to know him - that's why I feel a bit like... I'm not sure what I want?

The conversation/walk we had lasted for about 3-4 hours. I spoke all of my feelings, he spoke all of his. He repeatedly said sorry, and said he loves me, and he "doesn't want anyone else in life" and he did look genuinely upset.

I told him that I sometimes need to do overtime at work, and I need to see friends & family. I also said I will not be doing all of the travelling. I know I can drive and I own a car, he has never learned to drive. I always want to help out... I do with friends & family who don't drive, I'm always helping my Mum & Nan too. But there's helping out, and then there's people taking advantage - which he is doing with me driving. 

So him coming to me.. I'll have to see with that and if it needs another conversation, it will. Because in my eyes, if he isn't coming to me, I see it as he's not making the effort and you need that from both sides in a relationship. He once showed me some messages on his phone from his Mum - regarding something totally different. But in the conversation, he messaged his Mum saying "buses take too long to get to him"... driving takes around 30 mins each way, buses take around 1 hour - yes, longer. But all the times I've driven to him... it all adds up! Plus fuel costs, parking costs.

Thank you all so much, I'll see what happens. I'm feeling a bit better after talking to him, but I still don't feel 100%. 

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scotty1993
31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That's a whole laundry list of "this isn't working out".

Really? Even though he keeps saying he loves me? I feel worried 

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  Since driving takes around 30 mins each way, buses take around 1 hour - does he host you when you visit?

For example, cook clean, shop, entertaining and all the other hard work of having houseguests? 

It seems like your long talk ended in the same power struggle about his driving rather than seeking an equitable solution, such as you drive in the comfort of your car and he pays for the dates and entertaining you? 

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ShyViolet
1 hour ago, scotty1993 said:

Really? Even though he keeps saying he loves me? I feel worried 

Who cares if he says that, if the relationship is this bad and you are this unhappy in the relationship?  His words mean nothing when his actions don't match.  If you are unhappy in the relationship and you don't feel excited about seeing him, then you are wasting your time.

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scotty1993
8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

  Since driving takes around 30 mins each way, buses take around 1 hour - does he host you when you visit?

For example, cook clean, shop, entertaining and all the other hard work of having houseguests? 

It seems like your long talk ended in the same power struggle about his driving rather than seeking an equitable solution, such as you drive in the comfort of your car and he pays for the dates and entertaining you? 

Hey, no he doesn’t do that. We’ll sit with one another and chat/laugh/intimate stuff, or go for a walk around his area maybe.

Also someone asked about what I meant when he doesn’t offer me even a drink. I mainly just drink water. He’s never offered to get me any water, and I’d never want to just go and get it myself. I just feel like it’s politeness for them to offer? If he or friends/family come over to mine, I’ll offer a drink to them. I usually just take a bottle of water with me when I go to his. I did the other day and he said to me “I’m thirsty, can I have some?”… he’s done that before and I just think… you’re in your own home? Can’t you get some yourself? 
 

I think why I worry a bit. If I didn’t drive, what would happen? Would he feel more like “oh I best use buses”? Or would he still expect me to go to him?

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scotty1993
6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Who cares if he says that, if the relationship is this bad and you are this unhappy in the relationship?  His words mean nothing when his actions don't match.  If you are unhappy in the relationship and you don't feel excited about seeing him, then you are wasting your time.

Thank you and that’s very true. 
 

I used to get really excited to see him. 
 

I don’t know at the moment if my feelings are changed? Or it’s just with working full time, helping family/friends and seeing them too, and always driving… if I just feel a bit burnt out, so I’m overtired and then can’t feel as excited as what I used to?

 

Thats why I kinda want to see a bit where this will go. If he starts making the effort, then I’d maybe feel a bit happier/excited?


i just feel a bit down I guess because it’s always me that has made the effort. My previous relationship was long distance. It lasted about a year, me travelling for 3 hours each way by train. He came to me just once during all of that time. I started saying to him it was unfair, he never listened to me and I ended it. I just worry that’s happening again I suppose. 

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ExpatInItaly

It seems pretty clear that you two are not compatible at all.

3 minutes ago, scotty1993 said:

I just worry that’s happening again I suppose. 

It is. 

It's up to you if you want to break the pattern and move on to someone who meets you halfway (literally and figurativetly) of their own volition, rather than someone who needs to be coaxed into valuing and appreciating you more. 

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scotty1993
5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It seems pretty clear that you two are not compatible at all.

It is. 

It's up to you if you want to break the pattern and move on to someone who meets you halfway (literally and figurativetly) of their own volition, rather than someone who needs to be coaxed into valuing and appreciating you more. 

I think I just worry I’m not good enough. It’s like people walk all over me. I’m not sure why I’m always the one expected to do it. 
 

I didn’t have my car for about a week recently as it was being sorted for something in a garage. He used public transport but we met half way/nearer me. The next time we planned to meet, he said “you can come to my area as I went near yours last time?”… I think the thing which upset me with that… he didn’t come to my area. We met half way. Plus all the other times I’ve constantly gone to his, the whole “oh I came to you last time”… that’s not fair? Seeing as the last few hundred or whatever times it’s been, I’ve gone to him.
 

I think I just get a bit scared about the future. I know that if I end this, I feel like I’ll be on my own. Maybe I need that for a while though? Maybe I need to give more time to friends/family who actually care. 

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You're correct. If he's not even hosting, entertaining, cooking, shopping and paying for stuff when you visit, it's imbalanced. A fair deal is whoever does the traveling, the other hosts. 

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scotty1993
3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're correct. If he's not even hosting, entertaining, cooking, shopping and paying for stuff when you visit, it's imbalanced. A fair deal is whoever does the traveling, the other hosts. 

If we’ve got food together, I’ve always paid for my half.

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15 hours ago, scotty1993 said:

Really? Even though he keeps saying he loves me?

Love is an action. 

Love isn't just a warm gooey feeling one has.  When we love someone, we want to DO things that show our care for them.  Sometimes that means inconveniencing ourselves.  Look at your own actions versus your bf's.  Which actions say love?  

Talk is cheap.

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7 hours ago, scotty1993 said:

TI don’t know at the moment if my feelings are changed? Or it’s just with working full time, helping family/friends and seeing them too, and always driving… if I just feel a bit burnt out, so I’m overtired and then can’t feel as excited as what I used to?

Thats why I kinda want to see a bit where this will go. If he starts making the effort, then I’d maybe feel a bit happier/excited?

Stop making excuses for the decline of the relationship and stop trying to convince yourself that maybe the relationship isn't so bad.  You shouldn't have to convince yourself. 

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20 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Love is an action. 

Love isn't just a warm gooey feeling one has.  When we love someone, we want to DO things that show our care for them.  Sometimes that means inconveniencing ourselves.  Look at your own actions versus your bf's.  Which actions say love?  

Talk is cheap.

I agree. During the chat with him, I told him actions speak louder than words. I told him that you might say you love me… but you don’t show it. 
 

he got upset when I told him that, and he said he would change my feelings with that. 

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19 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Stop making excuses for the decline of the relationship and stop trying to convince yourself that maybe the relationship isn't so bad.  You shouldn't have to convince yourself. 

I agree. I think I’m just a bit scared. I worry I’m not good enough for him or he’s feeling different? But he insists that isn’t true. 
 

I’ve spoke to some friends about him and they’ve all said “he’s so lovely” like I shouldn’t end anything. 
 

I think because he’s not really showing me “love”… I just don’t feel the same anymore. We’re both going away for a few nights very soon, I’ll see how I’m feeling after that I think. Sometimes we don’t get much time together, so I’ll see what happens.

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