rose27 Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 I'm in a tricky situation and could really use some wisdom or maybe just a wake-up call. I've found myself falling for a married guy, and even though I tried to stop these feelings, they just kept growing. It's tough because I can't talk about this with anyone close to me without causing a drama. Here's the backstory: We met while working in the same industry and only started to connect personally at an event last year. I was a bit more open than usual because I had a few drinks, and we ended up chatting about how tough dating has been for me. He was full of compliments about my appearance and didn't wear a wedding ring, so I assumed he was single. It felt good to have someone listen and make me feel appreciated, but I was not at all attracted to him at this point. Fast forward a bit, and we ran into each other again. We decided to meet up to discuss a potential business partnership, but I noticed he was flirting a lot which was a little awkward for me. Then, out of nowhere, he gets a call from his wife, which was a shock but also a relief because I realised he couldn’t take things too far. We continued to do business together, and as we did, we got to know each other better. We shared stories about our past, our love for music, and how we see the world. We realised we’ve even crossed paths as teenagers as we were from the same hometown, so it was really comforting to reminisce with someone very similar to me. I really enjoyed his company, and even though I knew we couldn't be anything more, I looked forward to our meetings. We'd hang out in his office, sometimes getting a bit cozy, but always stopping short of anything serious. I knew it was a bit risky, but I couldn't resist his charm. Unfortunately, a few nights ago, things escalated, and we ended up sleeping together. I'm torn because it felt right in the moment, but I know it's not okay. He said he wouldn’t have gone that far, but he’s recently been having marital problems and his marriage is on the rocks. I'm all mixed up with guilt and confusion but I also can't ignore how great it was. He’s the first man who has ever made me feel seen, heard, and understood, so it’s making things even harder. I know we both made a mistake. I really admire him and although at this point I feel like I don’t deserve it, I hope I meet someone half as amazing as he is. I'm not looking for judgment, just some friendly advice on how to move forward from here as I know I can’t do much else but move on. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 (edited) 7 hours ago, rose27 said: Just some friendly advice on how to move forward from here as I know I can’t do much else but move on. To move on you will need to end all contact with the man. Are you prepared to do that? 7 hours ago, rose27 said: He said he wouldn’t have gone that far, but he’s recently been having marital problems and his marriage is on the rocks. My friend, they all say this… First, it’s likely not true. And second, if it is true, he has the responsibility to go to counselling and work to fix what is wrong with his marriage or file for divorce - he does not have the right to cheat. You would be wise not to fall for his sob story… Edited February 9 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 (edited) 8 hours ago, rose27 said: I really admire him You really admire a man who lied by omission to you about the fact that he was married and lied to his wife about the fact that he had sex with another woman? 8 hours ago, rose27 said: I hope I meet someone half as amazing as he is. Please. You are creating a fairytale in your head that is not based in reality. You connected with this man over some shared interests and the fact that you crossed paths in your youth… he showed you some attention and now - you think he is “amazing?” A man who lies to his wife and betrays his family in this way is not to be admired in any way… Have you considered the fact that you may not be his first extramarital affair? You asked for advice on how to move forward - you challenge the distorted thinking here. Try hard not to create a fairytale around this man and this relationship - you won’t be able to move on if you tell yourself that you will never find another as “amazing” as this guy or that you have no agency here. You need to deal in reality and decide what kind of person you want to be… your guilt is speaking to you, will you listen or are you going to subscribe to the fantasy of it all? Edited February 9 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 No matter how amazing you think he is, he is not or he wouldn't have cheated on his wife. Would you want a man who fell into bed with another woman because you guys were having some marital issues? This is how it starts, you give sex and end up falling in love. He will never leave his wife for you and will do everything in his power to protect his marriage. You will never come first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 (edited) Some people are fine with being in an affair (or in rare but real cases even prefer it), others are not. If you're the latter, you'd be wise to end things quickly as you will slowly feel more and more guilty. Furthermore, if you start to feel "fully bonded" with him, you may start to feel very distressed at being unable to see him regularly, unable to fully have him, etc. We hear this a lot on this forum, sometimes from men but particularly from women in an affair. Do not put much stock in his marriage being on the rocks or similar talk. While it might give you hope and MIGHT even be true, it might ALSO be exaggerated or even a lie intended to manipulate you into holding out hope for a full relationship. Ending a marriage is a big deal, and while having an affair turn into full, "real" relationships does happen, the chances are quite low - on the order of 5% or less. Furthermore, even if he is upset at home, he may be getting emotional and physical needs met partly from you. An irony of affairs is that they can sometimes make it easier for people to stay in a bad marriage. Overall, I'd suggest you disregard talk of the status of his marriage in any decision making you might do. Edited February 9 by mark clemson 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 16 hours ago, rose27 said: advice on how to move forward from here as I know I can’t do much else but move on. Sorry this is happening. Please step back as much as possible. He's a philanderer who saw his opening when you "had a few drinks, and we ended up chatting about how tough dating has been for me". Then he proceeded with the classic "my wife doesn't understand me" line. He's slick, this isn't his first rodeo. Everything he says is a lie including the compliments to get you to have sex. The best place for you to start is to remove the vulnerabilities that led to this such as loneliness and not having a BF. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oldenuff2know Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 Don't fall for the old "my marriage is on the rocks.....my wife doesn't understand me.....we sleep in separate bedrooms" malarkey. There are droves of posts out here from women who's MM has promised to leave their wives for them, etc. If you're willing to just be his side piece, that's a different story, but if you're looking for long-term love that you can call your own, I would put an end to this and look elsewhere, for your own peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 On 2/9/2024 at 5:27 AM, rose27 said: I really admire him and although at this point I feel like I don’t he doesn't deserve it Fixed that for you. You have this man on a pedestal he doesn't deserve to be on. I get that you are blinded by your feelings, but how admirable is a man who cheats on his wife? I don't know your definition of "amazing", but he falls far short of mine. You need to distentangle yourself from this trainwreck and so you can start seeing this guy for who he really is (an unfaithful clown), and not who you want him to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 You want to find another man like him? You want a cheater? Trust me, you don't want a cheater. I could send you the amount of money I spent on a therapist for me and my kids cause I was married to a cheater. He is not amazing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GypsyArcher Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 Here's the thing - people always pay very close attention to the other person once they are just getting to know them and things are exciting and new. If you were married to him, then you could just as easily find yourself in the reverse position, as his wife who is no longer fresh and exciting. I personally do not believe in monogamy as I don't believe that we can own other people. I don't think trying to lock people into marriage necessarily works, as evidenced by the number of affairs and divorces. We need variety, we need new experiences. But you just need to be careful that you don't confuse being "new and exciting" with being special to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 (edited) On 2/9/2024 at 12:27 PM, rose27 said: I'm in a tricky situation and could really use some wisdom or maybe just a wake-up call. I've found myself falling for a married guy, and even though I tried to stop these feelings, they just kept growing. It's tough because I can't talk about this with anyone close to me without causing a drama. Here's the backstory: We met while working in the same industry and only started to connect personally at an event last year. I was a bit more open than usual because I had a few drinks, and we ended up chatting about how tough dating has been for me. He was full of compliments about my appearance and didn't wear a wedding ring, so I assumed he was single. It felt good to have someone listen and make me feel appreciated, but I was not at all attracted to him at this point. Fast forward a bit, and we ran into each other again. We decided to meet up to discuss a potential business partnership, but I noticed he was flirting a lot which was a little awkward for me. Then, out of nowhere, he gets a call from his wife, which was a shock but also a relief because I realised he couldn’t take things too far. We continued to do business together, and as we did, we got to know each other better. We shared stories about our past, our love for music, and how we see the world. We realised we’ve even crossed paths as teenagers as we were from the same hometown, so it was really comforting to reminisce with someone very similar to me. I really enjoyed his company, and even though I knew we couldn't be anything more, I looked forward to our meetings. We'd hang out in his office, sometimes getting a bit cozy, but always stopping short of anything serious. I knew it was a bit risky, but I couldn't resist his charm. Unfortunately, a few nights ago, things escalated, and we ended up sleeping together. I'm torn because it felt right in the moment, but I know it's not okay. He said he wouldn’t have gone that far, but he’s recently been having marital problems and his marriage is on the rocks. I'm all mixed up with guilt and confusion but I also can't ignore how great it was. He’s the first man who has ever made me feel seen, heard, and understood, so it’s making things even harder. I know we both made a mistake. I really admire him and although at this point I feel like I don’t deserve it, I hope I meet someone half as amazing as he is. I'm not looking for judgment, just some friendly advice on how to move forward from here as I know I can’t do much else but move on. No judgment, just some friendly advice. If you really love each other, and if his marriage is really beyond salvation, he should divorce his wife, and then you can be together. It would be best to cease all communication with him until he is no longer in a relationship with his wife. Then you both will be free to start your relationship. And please brace yourself. There is a chance (nothing is certain, of course), that he’ll solve his marital problems and go back to his wife. I assure you that this has happened before. The inevitable separation at that point will hurt a lot more if you continue this liaison in the meantime, while being aware of the fact he is married. If he does divorce his wife, you both will have to live with the fact that you began your relationship as an extramarital affair. He cheated on his wife. While I believe that cheaters can change if they want to (i.e. I wouldn’t automatically assume that he is a “player”, he might feel genuine remorse over his infidelity), in many cases cheating becomes an addiction of sorts, an ephemeral (and immoral) escape from an unpleasant situation. People can change, that’s true. But be on your guard. Edited March 10 by Gebidozo Link to post Share on other sites
Mostlycontent Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 I found out the guy I met on tinder was married on the first date. I was only looking for a casual exclusive relationship with no thought of love or deep feelings. I had been single for 4 years and before that had a string of disappointing dates. He was looking for the same as he and his wife had drifted apart and were now only technically married, sharing a house and co parenting their 3 teenagers. It's ok, I thought. It's only mutual needs being met. 3 weeks later we were sleeping together. 3 months later it was clear there were deep feelings developing. As if by being together we had set off a chain reaction. 3 years later and we are still together. It's been difficult at times for both of us, but especially me, due to unwelcome feelings of guilt, sadness and low self esteem. However the good outweighs the bad and we are sticking together. We have discussed the future, and we don't want to marry or even live together full time. We just want to be together openly and I do believe things will work out. I'm not asking for opinions, I just want to reassure others out there that the bad feelings are normal, to follow your heart is fine, within reason and happiness is worth chasing. Thank you for reading. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 If you two want to be together what is stopping him from getting a divorce and being with you? Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 (edited) It depends on what you want to do. If you really want to move on, there is nothing that is stopping you from going cold turkey on him or blocking him altogether. But I've been there. It's not a judgement call. You don't want to do it because why would you block someone you actually like and admire? That's not normal. But your situation isn't a traditional dating relationship. He's married, already taken, unavailable (not an option). My advice to you is to extricate yourself out of the situation NOW before you are years into the mess. He can complain about his marriage all he wants. If he's that unhappy, he will leave. Of course, he will have to factor out whether he wants to uproot his life as he knows it. Those are things he need to consider. For most people, it is a very risky move, especially with kids, reputation, finances involved. Most will stay where they are. For those who are deeply unhappy, they will find the internal inertia to make that change. The question is will he or won't he? That's HIS life decision he needs to make. My advice is that you DON'T wait around to find out. Edited March 11 by spiritedaway2003 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 He (the MM) is either IN or OUT concerning his desire to be with you............IN would mean he GETS a divorce NOT just talks about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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