I don't know if I actually love my girlfriend

[yarnmp]

Right now I am 21 years old and almost in a 1.5 year relationship with my girlfriend which I met 2 years ago.
We went along really well, but right now I have a lot of stuff in my life with my parents etc. that takes a lot of 'headspace'.

I am thinking about what the next steps are in our relationship. For me that would be a marriage and I think I am ready for it, but I don't know if I love my girlfriend. I have a decent relationship with my parents, but I don't think I have ever 'loved' them. I am still living at home and it goes fine, sometimes we argue and I'm getting hurt (mentally) and often everything goes well. But since I can't really recall ever having 'loved' them, I am thinking about the love for my girlfriend. I often like being around her, we do well together, sometimes there is something I don't like about her and sometimes she doesn't like something I do. On paper I think that it would be a good relationship and that we could marry. But I am afraid that I am not truly in love with her and I find that out later after we are married.

Does someone have any tips?
 

[d0nnivain]

Your love for your GF won't look or feel like your love for your parents.  Would you be sad & cry if they died?  If yes, you love all of them enough for right now.  

You are 21 years old.  You still live at home with mom & dad.  The next step in your relationship with your GF is not getting married.  You are nowhere near that.  The next step in your life (which has to come before the next step in your relationship) is moving out from your parents' house.  Get a place of your own even with roommates but it's time to grow up & be independent.  Once you master that -- paying your bills, making your own meals, learning to budget time and money -- then you can think about whether you want to live with your GF or get married.  

If you really want to understand love read some poetry; listen to music, study some art; read some psychology books, and read mental wellbeing stuff (it's as simple as doing an internet search for "what is love?" ).  Here's a list somebody made up of books about love: 10 Books About Love Everyone Should Read At Least Once In Their Life - LifeHack    

[MsJayne]

Do you feel comfortable around her, and is she one of your best friends? Do you feel a little twinge of jealousy if she's having a laugh or a meaningful conversation with another guy?  Is she within reasonable range of "your type", as in do you find her physically attractive? Do you have the same values and respect each other's life goals? Don't believe what Disney movies tell you, true love isn't fireworks, bodice-ripping sex, and candle-lit dinners, any long-term couple will tell you that. If you doubt your feelings for her perhaps you should end the relationship and see whether you feel a sense of loss or a sense of relief. You're only 21, there's a lot of girls out there, are you sure you should be thinking about marriage before you've even moved out of your parents house? 

[Gaeta]

You are nowhere near being ready to marry. Our brain is not finished developping until 25 yo sometimes even larer that's why we should not make any big life decisions before 25 yo.

With age will come emotional maturity and the understanding of love. What you're experiencing with your parents is normal. You feel this need to detach from them, that does not mean you don't love them, it means it's time for you to be independant. It's a confusing process but it's not not-loving your parents.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, yarnmp said:

Right now I am 21 years old . For me that would be a marriage and I think I am ready for it,  I am afraid that I am not truly in love with her and I find that out later after we are married.

Please slow way down. You are not ready to marry until both of you have your careers set, are financially independent and can afford to fully support yourselves.  Who is pushing you to get married when you are absolutely not in a position to? Your parents? This GF? 

Please don't string your GF along. It's fine to date, have a relationship, see how things are evolving and if you could potentially see her as someone serious enough to stay with and eventually plan a future, but the inordinate amount of pressure to marry when you're not ready is clouding the issue. 

Edited February 9, 2024 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

22 hours ago, yarnmp said:

I am thinking about what the next steps are in our relationship. For me that would be a marriage and I think I am ready for it,

No, you are most certainly not ready for it.  Put the thought of marring this girl out of your mind.  First of all, you are 21 and most people at age 21 are way too immature for marriage.  Secondly, you are not sure about this relationship.  Maybe she isn't the right girl for you.  I'm not saying you necessarily have to break up, but you should not be even thinking about marriage when you're not even sure if you love the person.

[Kassieee]

There's nothing wrong with marrying in your early 20s, people have been doing that for ages and have had successful marriages. And keep in mind, couples don't like eachother all the time...married couples don't like everything the other does- so I don't think you should write her off just yet.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would advise that you experience adult life on your own (ie. not living under your parents' roof) before you even think about marrying, OP. 

You are not there yet, and at 21, there is no rush. Get to know yourself better first, and see if this relationship has legs to last. 

[ZA Dater]

Far too young to get married without experience life and it's joys and it's difficulties 

[NEG]

Here is my advice to you my friend: For starters, you are still very young at 21 which means there should be no rush on getting married, etc. I also feel that there are two different types of love in life: #1 is romantic love and #2 is the kind of love you have for close family members or friends, even if it might go unnoticed. I don't know the exact relationship with your parents, but unless they've done terrible things to you, there is a good chance you probably love them.

As for your girl, the romantic type of love for me has always been a certain feeling that is completely undeniable. The kind of feeling that any second you aren't with her, you miss her... The kind of feeling that you want to be in her presence and aura at all times, and you constantly long for that... It almost makes you sick just being away from her, even for a minute or a day. Basically what I'm saying is, if it's true love, you will KNOW it. And if it is not, well.... Your situation sounds like it's probably not. However, I also don't know all the details so take that with a grain of salt. At the end of the day, you should go with your gut. No matter what you choose, understand that a decision on marriage or commitment in general does not have to be made at this stage of your life.

Good luck!

[Els]

Your 20s are all about finding yourself. Nobody knows for sure who they love and who they will marry at 21. Sure, sometimes people THINK they do, but at that age even when they feel like they are sure, it's mostly just lust and new relationship fuzzies.

I wouldn't necessarily say don't marry in your 20s, but you definitely want to at least be in the high end of your 20s with some experience living outside your family home when you do. Have you graduated college yet?

Basically, don't sweat it. Just do what you can to live life and to establish independence from your parents. You'll figure love out in time.

[smackie9]

Serious relationships don't have to end up in marriage. They can run their course then they end. Marriage isn't your goal, not at this time in your life, so don't feel so pressured to do so. If your GF is talking marriage, then let her go. I know lots of people just want a GF and happy with just that. They didn't find anyone they wanted to marry until their mid 30's.