Don't know what to do

[Lightblizzard007]

Hello everyone, here to share my life actually. I really don't know how to still be optimistic. I know that i'm not stupid, a breakup hurts and it's normal but the situation is actually horrible.

For a little background, before the actual breakup I only had one relationship with someone really mean and toxic to me during the whole time. The lack of self confidence made me stay with this person even if I suffered a lot. She dumped me really easily and I didn't find someone until 5 years, when I met this amazing girl online during a Valorant game. We were on the same team and we directly created complicity. She was in a relationship with someone for 5 years at that time. As we were getting closer and closer, she blocked me for 1 week to give a chance and not waste her relationship. She later decided to dump him and came back to me.

I was really scared at the beginning to only be a tool for her to go trough her past feelings but we discussed it for a very long time. I finally trusted her, cause she was saying that it was her decision, she was 100% sure to be ready. In addition to that, I was so lonely that I made the decision to go for it, and she was really worth it. I forgot to mention that we live really far away, but it was not a problem for me. And that's how started 9 months of pure happiness on each side. We saw each other every month (one time me, one time her). We made together huge promisses and real plans about the future, even buying some furniture for what's coming next. For the first time of my life, I was truly happy about the present and especially the future. It raised my self confidence so much, I was finally feeling some kind of happiness. She saved me from the limbo.

And now I am completely devasted cause she broke up with me 3 weeks ago with low excuses like she needs time, she needs to be alone. Also saying that we are not a match after all. And that makes completely no sense to me considering that I was always there for her, everything on every side went extremely well, of course there was some disturbance but not something that could end the relationship. My life's been a nightmare ever since, cause I have to deal with this breakup, I also don't know what to do cause I have no job and I don't even find any motivation to look for one. And the worst part is among of all this, I discovered that my anxiety led me to an incurable disease called "visual snow" and it's killing me. So now im left by the person I love the most, I have 0 perspective for the future and I have to deal with an incurable pathology. The worst part is that she is already spending her time with an other guy. So yeah, Im at a point where I just survive and living my life like a robot, and I don't really know how to be optimistic.