Quite a story and I don't even know if I'm sad or just disoriented

[adagabby]

Well, I'd just like to know the opinion of some of you here, as I don't even feel comfortable discussing this with close friends with full details. Maybe even get some advice.

I'm going to start saying that both of us (girl and me) are not in good positions mentally, but she is far worse than me, most definitely. I'm going to try to be brief.

Met this girl through Instagram, by complimenting her in a story she posted. The conversation was very good and we just clicked. Kept talking for 7 days all night long, as we couldn't meet because she travelled in the end of the year with her family. Well, definitely, it was very good, but I found it a bit strange, as we became extremely close very fast. She told me about her family problems, about what she wanted to do with life and all this. Okay. I discovered that a close friend of mine dated a colleague of her, and I talked to him about her without knowing that basically they didn't like each other.

Anyway, she told me about her depression and all that jazz and how she had a very recent and profound depression episode. My red flags alarm was up now. Even though we really clicked, and she enjoyed the same things as me, this was just a bit too much to be healthy. Well, we met anyway: she was a bit shy, but I really didn't now how to deal with something in a fragile situation, so I let her start things physically. She grabbed my hand and all of this so I was sure she wanted me to touch her. We made out at the cinema.

On the same day, we talked on the phone again. She asked to me very emotionally if I enjoyed the date and that I could be sincere. I said I enjoyed it, and just didn't want to take things fast. She proceeded to talk to me that she was thinking about coming back to her ex boyfriend (?) and that she felt she was CHEATING ON HIM. I'm going to admit that I have never had an experience with such a honest person, as usually people would just say they didn't feel anything and then come back to their exes. Well, she was basically freaking out, and I started to freak out too. I thought that maybe she was having kinda of a depressive episode, and then just tried to calm her down. I literally sang a song to her and even played ukulele, and she seemed to be fine. I just said we could talk next day.

Next day comes, we don't talk much during the day. At night, I thought that this was it and that I would never see her again. About 10 PM she messages me asking if we could go to a bar to drink (even though she said to me that she disliked drinking as she had bad experiences in her family with alcohol). We go together, have a very good night. But then I really felt again that she was sad. On the same time, a colleague of her killed herself after her boyfriend broke up with her. She says to me she is scared of starting something, and is scared of me hurting her and viceversa. I figure out that maybe a handcrafted gift would make her a bit happier, so I craft a small painting with a love poem. She loves it.

After this, she comes to my house in order to have some fun (watch something or maybe paint together). Well, we made out a lot and had a light sexual encounter. After this, she said that she felt used (?), but it's okay. She travels again.

During her travel with her mother, she says to me that she if not feeling well and that the suicide of her colleague messed her up badly. She says she really likes me, but this is not the time to start something serious, and that she is scared about how fast our relationship developed. I said okay, tomorrow we can talk about this. The next day, we talk and she is changed: she says she still thinks it's not the time for her to date, but that talking to me is irresistible. We are cool now. But we have been talking less since the first date, as before this we used to talk for about 4 hours each day (by calls and messages).

I think this is the part that I messed up. I drank a lot 2 days after she told me this, and called her. I told her how I really liked her and that I wanted her to be the mother of my children (I was visibly drunk). She just laughed out loud and seemed to enjoy the conversation. But after this, I said to her:" I don't understand how you can be so sad. You are a good person, you are pretty and is going to have an amazing career. The world is so unfair, with so many bad people happier than you. " She got very sad. The same day, we talked and she said to me that she had lost interest on me, and that I had broken her trust on me. Okay.

The day after, we talk again. I say to her that we can take things slow, and she agrees. But she says to me that she is in a very bad emotional state. Ok. She comes back from her trip, and we stay 4 days without seeing each other. She reassures me that we are going to see each other. A childhood friend of her visits our city and she stays 2 days with her. We arrange to do something on a Sunday. This is where I make what I believe to be my second mistake.

I was having a bad day because my dog was going to do a very serious surgery, and the vet said she had a chance of survival of about 50%. I was feeling sad, and also insecure about this girl. Have in mind we weren't dating seriously at all, but both of us were only seeing each other (I'm not sure if she was not meeting her ex also). Anyway, she posts a picture of her on Insta, and a male friend of her comments 3 times how beautiful she is. Anyway, I call her saying that we need to talk. She answers immediately. I say that I'm feeling jealous of her, and I don't know if I can keep this relationship like this, and that this was bullshit (kinda in a joke tone, but anyway. I meant it). She hungs up, calls me 5 minutes later and says she didn't like the way I talked to her, and that we are finished and all of this. She says she also felt jealous about me, but well, and that we were going to talk the next day to end things.

We talk the next day, make out a lot, and she asks me if we can be friends. I say I don't think so as I want to have a relationship with her, and that a friendship would hurt me. She cries a lot also, and says that this is not the time but that maybe in the future we can have something. Well, as I was friends with this colleague of her, I just said to her: "well, you see, *this woman* said to me about how emotionally dependant you are on you ex, and that he used to treat you badly and all that jazz. And about how you "broke up" thousands of times, but always came back together. Well, I didn't care about this, I really wanted to throw my dice here." Ok, we make out more, and than she leaves. She says that she is scared of texting me after this, and that I could text her.

The next day, she texts me apologizing about contacting me, but that what my colleague told me about her made she very sad and if we could talk. I called her, and was a bit too cold, maybe. Not rude, but cold. She notices this, and she scales the conversation saying how she tried to kill herself one time, but I was with my mind in another place. I was worried about my dog, and didn't even compute what she said. She acuses me of defending this girl.

Two days after this, I have a very bad nightmare about her, and just have a very bad feeling. I message her asking if everything is alright, "I had this very bad nightmare about you. Can we talk, I am worried about you". I call her again, we talk again, and she says she had a small car accident, but nothing serious. She cried again. After this, we talked one last time. I just asked a favour of her: "please, do not fight with your colleague." She says she already forgot about what she said, and that she wouldn't. She says she regrets talking about her mental state to me. After this, we didn't talk at all.

I was tired of all this, but suddenly, one week after no contact, I watched a movie during a visit to my parents that remembered her to me. I messaged her about this about 8 hours ago (and I am still waiting for a responde)

I'm going to be frank here. I'm not desperate to talk to her. I don't cry everyday. I don't NEED her, and I am actually feeling pretty good. But the reality is that I still miss her, and talking to her. Asking her opinion about things, as I really was impressed by her goodness. Even thought we had a brief relationship, I have not met someone like her for a long time. I don't want to miss this opportunity. What are your opinions here? Do you have any advice? Should I forget about it? Do any of you have any experience with something like this?

Thank you for reading all of this, and I apologize for the huge text.

[Wiseman2]

Please step back. You two are simply wearing each other out with toxic behavior. Tell her kindly it's not working out then delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

[adagabby]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please step back. You two are simply wearing each other out with toxic behavior. Tell her kindly it's not working out then delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Thank you for your response. I just feel I can't think rationally right now. On your opinion, did I mess up? Should I have stepped back since the first date? 

Edited February 4 by adagabby
Posted it incomplete

[NuevoYorko]

31 minutes ago, adagabby said:

 Should I have stepped back since the first date? 

It's a dead end to even bother to think about that, since that's water under the bridge.

Please back off and cease contact with her, as it's unhealthy for both of you.

[adagabby]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's a dead end to even bother to think about that, since that's water under the bridge.

Please back off and cease contact with her, as it's unhealthy for both of you.

Thank you for your response :). From what you see here, would you say that there is absolutely no future for this relationship? I'd like to meet her again if she gets better someday...

[stillafool]

I don't understand people who want to hold onto people who don't want them. It makes no sense.

[adagabby]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand people who want to hold onto people who don't want them. It makes no sense.

I understand why it makes no sense from afar. I also thought the same before finding myself in this situation. I think the thing is she said she wanted to stay with me but her depression was affecting her capacity of caring. Well, maybe it was just a gentle way of rejecting me, right?

[NuevoYorko]

10 minutes ago, adagabby said:

Well, maybe it was just a gentle way of rejecting me, right?

Look ... you don't really know this woman.  All you can do is take things at face value.  Any way you look at it, she says "NO."  Also any way you look at it there would be no realistic way the two of you could ever have a healthy relationship after all this toxic drama.  Move on.

[adagabby]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Look ... you don't really know this woman.  All you can do is take things at face value.  Any way you look at it, she says "NO."  Also any way you look at it there would be no realistic way the two of you could ever have a healthy relationship after all this toxic drama.  Move on.

Thanks for the sincerity. I understand what you are saying, and agree with it. It's just a shame, as it's the first time since my ex that I have found someone with a similar personality to mine. Well, what can be done, right? 

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, adagabby said:

Thank you for your response. I just feel I can't think rationally right now. On your opinion, did I mess up? Should I have stepped back since the first date? 

You didn't mess up but you ignored gigantic red flags.  This woman was never in a position to date you or anybody else.  At best you were a temporary emotional band aid.  

[FredEire]

17 hours ago, adagabby said:

Well, I'd just like to know the opinion of some of you here, as I don't even feel comfortable discussing this with close friends with full details. Maybe even get some advice.

I'm going to start saying that both of us (girl and me) are not in good positions mentally, but she is far worse than me, most definitely. I'm going to try to be brief.

Met this girl through Instagram, by complimenting her in a story she posted. The conversation was very good and we just clicked. Kept talking for 7 days all night long, as we couldn't meet because she travelled in the end of the year with her family. Well, definitely, it was very good, but I found it a bit strange, as we became extremely close very fast. She told me about her family problems, about what she wanted to do with life and all this. Okay. I discovered that a close friend of mine dated a colleague of her, and I talked to him about her without knowing that basically they didn't like each other.

Anyway, she told me about her depression and all that jazz and how she had a very recent and profound depression episode. My red flags alarm was up now. Even though we really clicked, and she enjoyed the same things as me, this was just a bit too much to be healthy. Well, we met anyway: she was a bit shy, but I really didn't now how to deal with something in a fragile situation, so I let her start things physically. She grabbed my hand and all of this so I was sure she wanted me to touch her. We made out at the cinema.

On the same day, we talked on the phone again. She asked to me very emotionally if I enjoyed the date and that I could be sincere. I said I enjoyed it, and just didn't want to take things fast. She proceeded to talk to me that she was thinking about coming back to her ex boyfriend (?) and that she felt she was CHEATING ON HIM. I'm going to admit that I have never had an experience with such a honest person, as usually people would just say they didn't feel anything and then come back to their exes. Well, she was basically freaking out, and I started to freak out too. I thought that maybe she was having kinda of a depressive episode, and then just tried to calm her down. I literally sang a song to her and even played ukulele, and she seemed to be fine. I just said we could talk next day.

Next day comes, we don't talk much during the day. At night, I thought that this was it and that I would never see her again. About 10 PM she messages me asking if we could go to a bar to drink (even though she said to me that she disliked drinking as she had bad experiences in her family with alcohol). We go together, have a very good night. But then I really felt again that she was sad. On the same time, a colleague of her killed herself after her boyfriend broke up with her. She says to me she is scared of starting something, and is scared of me hurting her and viceversa. I figure out that maybe a handcrafted gift would make her a bit happier, so I craft a small painting with a love poem. She loves it.

After this, she comes to my house in order to have some fun (watch something or maybe paint together). Well, we made out a lot and had a light sexual encounter. After this, she said that she felt used (?), but it's okay. She travels again.

During her travel with her mother, she says to me that she if not feeling well and that the suicide of her colleague messed her up badly. She says she really likes me, but this is not the time to start something serious, and that she is scared about how fast our relationship developed. I said okay, tomorrow we can talk about this. The next day, we talk and she is changed: she says she still thinks it's not the time for her to date, but that talking to me is irresistible. We are cool now. But we have been talking less since the first date, as before this we used to talk for about 4 hours each day (by calls and messages).

I think this is the part that I messed up. I drank a lot 2 days after she told me this, and called her. I told her how I really liked her and that I wanted her to be the mother of my children (I was visibly drunk). She just laughed out loud and seemed to enjoy the conversation. But after this, I said to her:" I don't understand how you can be so sad. You are a good person, you are pretty and is going to have an amazing career. The world is so unfair, with so many bad people happier than you. " She got very sad. The same day, we talked and she said to me that she had lost interest on me, and that I had broken her trust on me. Okay.

The day after, we talk again. I say to her that we can take things slow, and she agrees. But she says to me that she is in a very bad emotional state. Ok. She comes back from her trip, and we stay 4 days without seeing each other. She reassures me that we are going to see each other. A childhood friend of her visits our city and she stays 2 days with her. We arrange to do something on a Sunday. This is where I make what I believe to be my second mistake.

I was having a bad day because my dog was going to do a very serious surgery, and the vet said she had a chance of survival of about 50%. I was feeling sad, and also insecure about this girl. Have in mind we weren't dating seriously at all, but both of us were only seeing each other (I'm not sure if she was not meeting her ex also). Anyway, she posts a picture of her on Insta, and a male friend of her comments 3 times how beautiful she is. Anyway, I call her saying that we need to talk. She answers immediately. I say that I'm feeling jealous of her, and I don't know if I can keep this relationship like this, and that this was bullshit (kinda in a joke tone, but anyway. I meant it). She hungs up, calls me 5 minutes later and says she didn't like the way I talked to her, and that we are finished and all of this. She says she also felt jealous about me, but well, and that we were going to talk the next day to end things.

We talk the next day, make out a lot, and she asks me if we can be friends. I say I don't think so as I want to have a relationship with her, and that a friendship would hurt me. She cries a lot also, and says that this is not the time but that maybe in the future we can have something. Well, as I was friends with this colleague of her, I just said to her: "well, you see, *this woman* said to me about how emotionally dependant you are on you ex, and that he used to treat you badly and all that jazz. And about how you "broke up" thousands of times, but always came back together. Well, I didn't care about this, I really wanted to throw my dice here." Ok, we make out more, and than she leaves. She says that she is scared of texting me after this, and that I could text her.

The next day, she texts me apologizing about contacting me, but that what my colleague told me about her made she very sad and if we could talk. I called her, and was a bit too cold, maybe. Not rude, but cold. She notices this, and she scales the conversation saying how she tried to kill herself one time, but I was with my mind in another place. I was worried about my dog, and didn't even compute what she said. She acuses me of defending this girl.

Two days after this, I have a very bad nightmare about her, and just have a very bad feeling. I message her asking if everything is alright, "I had this very bad nightmare about you. Can we talk, I am worried about you". I call her again, we talk again, and she says she had a small car accident, but nothing serious. She cried again. After this, we talked one last time. I just asked a favour of her: "please, do not fight with your colleague." She says she already forgot about what she said, and that she wouldn't. She says she regrets talking about her mental state to me. After this, we didn't talk at all.

I was tired of all this, but suddenly, one week after no contact, I watched a movie during a visit to my parents that remembered her to me. I messaged her about this about 8 hours ago (and I am still waiting for a responde)

I'm going to be frank here. I'm not desperate to talk to her. I don't cry everyday. I don't NEED her, and I am actually feeling pretty good. But the reality is that I still miss her, and talking to her. Asking her opinion about things, as I really was impressed by her goodness. Even thought we had a brief relationship, I have not met someone like her for a long time. I don't want to miss this opportunity. What are your opinions here? Do you have any advice? Should I forget about it? Do any of you have any experience with something like this?

Thank you for reading all of this, and I apologize for the huge text.

With all due respect, it seems you're both all over the place mentally.

It may seem very cold but I think serious mood swings and mental issue is a massive roadblock in terms of any kind of serious relationship.

There's no shame in it, I've gone and go through mental struggles myself but I recognise the need to manage it in a way that doesn't take a s*** all over any potential relationship I might have with someone.

At the moment both of you seem very poorly placed to do this as there has been a massive amount of drama already in your short relationship and it seems like you'd only be bad news for eachother if it was to continue.

Also maybe ask yourself the question if you see her issues as attractive rather than a red flag because you see something of yourself in her, a broken wing that you're desperately driven to try and fix. It's something I discovered certainly applies to me at times but it's not healthy.

Edited February 5 by FredEire

[mark clemson]

Right - you are both going around in circles emotionally and in terms of your relationship's on/off qualities. You may not be ready to let her go, but TBQH like I think many above are pointing out, this whole thing shouts "DYSFUNCTIONAL" pretty loudly.

To use a metaphor, a couple creates a kind of emotional chemistry together. For some it's quite stable, for some there's a sort of dynamic equilibrium in terms of positives and negatives. But for some the (emotional) "energy" created is too charged - like a radioactive element it may hold together for a while, but in the end that excess of emotional energy, all the highs and lows, is likely to split it apart.

These emotionally super-charged relationship can be a draw, addictive even in some ways. The "highs" can be great. But ultimately they're not very functional - they're unlikely to last long term and when they do they will be VERY "turbulent".

Another way to look at this is - when someone appears to be not in a good place for a relationship emotionally, it's wisest to give them their space and move on.

Edited February 5 by mark clemson

[adagabby]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

With all due respect, it seems you're both all over the place mentally.

It may seem very cold but I think serious mood swings and mental issue is a massive roadblock in terms of any kind of serious relationship.

There's no shame in it, I've gone and go through mental struggles myself but I recognise the need to manage it in a way that doesn't take a s*** all over any potential relationship I might have with someone.

At the moment both of you seem very poorly placed to do this as there has been a massive amount of drama already in your short relationship and it seems like you'd only be bad news for eachother if it was to continue.

Also maybe ask yourself the question if you see her issues as attractive rather than a red flag because you see something of yourself in her, a broken wing that you're desperately driven to try and fix. It's something I discovered certainly applies to me at times but it's not healthy.

Thank your for your sincerity. I must say I have some episodes of loneliness, but nothing too hard. What I do have is an impulsive behaviour that maybe I should treat, as it is starting to make my life harder. 

[adagabby]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Right - you are both going around in circles emotionally and in terms of your relationship's on/off qualities. You may not be ready to let her go, but TBQH like I think many above are pointing out, this whole thing shouts "DYSFUNCTIONAL" pretty loudly.

To use a metaphor, a couple creates a kind of emotional chemistry together. For some it's quite stable, for some there's a sort of dynamic equilibrium in terms of positives and negatives. But for some the (emotional) "energy" created is too charged - like a radioactive element it may hold together for a while, but in the end that excess of emotional energy, all the highs and lows, is likely to split it apart.

These emotionally super-charged relationship can be a draw, addictive even in some ways. The "highs" can be great. But ultimately they're not very functional - they're unlikely to last long term and when they do they will be VERY "turbulent".

Another way to look at this is - when someone appears to be not in a good place for a relationship emotionally, it's wisest to give them their space and move on.

I appreciate your comment, mark clemson. I do agree what you wrote here, but I still wonder: is there the possibility of a future relationship, maybe in a couple years? 

 

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, adagabby said:

Thank your for your sincerity. I must say I have some episodes of loneliness, but nothing too hard. What I do have is an impulsive behaviour that maybe I should treat, as it is starting to make my life harder. 

It sounds this way.

Broken people attract broken people. If you manage to stabilise your life and relationship with yourself better people will enter your life.

But living in chaos and trying to juggle someone else's mental health problems with your own isn't going to have a good outcome.

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, adagabby said:

I appreciate your comment, mark clemson. I do agree what you wrote here, but I still wonder: is there the possibility of a future relationship, maybe in a couple years? 

 

I know the comment wasn't from me, but I would say by the sound of it a relationship with this woman is a big no, and if you work on your own problems the possibility is of a better relationship with someone more stable in the future.

[adagabby]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

It sounds this way.

Broken people attract broken people. If you manage to stabilise your life and relationship with yourself better people will enter your life.

But living in chaos and trying to juggle someone else's mental health problems with your own isn't going to have a good outcome.

Thank you for writing this. It's good to have a neutral third opinion on all this. 

[adagabby]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

I know the comment wasn't from me, but I would say by the sound of it a relationship with this woman is a big no, and if you work on your own problems the possibility is of a better relationship with someone more stable in the future.

No problem replying it .Thank you for your opinion. Just like you said, I do have work to do on myself. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, adagabby said:

but I still wonder: is there the possibility of a future relationship, maybe in a couple years?

There's always the possibility. It's likely low though, it's not something you should bank on or avoid other relationships in hopes of.

[adagabby]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

There's always the possibility. It's likely low though, it's not something you should bank on or avoid other relationships in hopes of.

Thanks for the sincerity, mark. I appreciate it. Cheers

[ExpatInItaly]

This  was a mess from start to finish, OP. 

With time and space away from her, I have a feeling you will start to see how a real relationship with her was never in the cards, and how you can do a lot better than this. 

This isn't what love or even healthy dating looks like. Next time, don't get wrapped up in emotional trainwrecks like this. Extricate yourself and firm up your inner boundaries so this doesn't happen again. 

[adagabby]

17 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This  was a mess from start to finish, OP. 

With time and space away from her, I have a feeling you will start to see how a real relationship with her was never in the cards, and how you can do a lot better than this. 

This isn't what love or even healthy dating looks like. Next time, don't get wrapped up in emotional trainwrecks like this. Extricate yourself and firm up your inner boundaries so this doesn't happen again. 

Thanks for the help, folks. Posting this here really helped me to see the situation in a more rational light. I'm grateful for your insights

[Alvi]

On 2/4/2024 at 3:58 PM, adagabby said:

After this, she comes to my house in order to have some fun (watch something or maybe paint together). Well, we made out a lot and had a light sexual encounter. After this, she said that she felt used (?), but it's okay. She travels again.

Dude, why would you want to be anywhere near a person, who accused you of using  them sexually? This is a lightbulb moment that tells that you need to stay as far away and keep away from her as possible, pronto! No ifs or buts about it. She can easily go to police and twist it any way that she wants (or honestly tell them what had transpired and how she felt) and get you into a big trouble. This person could also ruin your reputation by telling people that you pushed her into something that she didn't want to do. This woman is all over the place and quite honestly is is a hot mess. And you are pining for her and want her back? You are even willing to give up few years of your life in hopes that this woman may want you again in a distant future? Come on. I would suggest that you find a phycologist and work on yourself.