Had a fun couple of dates with a long term college friend, but thinking of calling it off because of the communication. Is my message okay?

[ramboparrot]

I’ve known this girl since college as a Facebook friend for the past 15 years. We always used to flirt back in the day but neither of us made a move. She got out of a 5 year relationship last year but we matched on Tinder.

I decided to ask her out and she agreed. On the day we met she didn’t turn up and send me a long apology an hour later when I told her I was leaving after 20 minutes.

This was before Christmas and I’d never replied to it. A month later I read her message with fresh eyes and she did seem genuinely sorry, she was stuck in meetings at a school she works at. I didn’t quite buy it, but she’s always seemed genuine from her Facebook and mutual friends who know her.

I ended up asking her out and we met, ended with a kiss and we met a second time.

We were supposed to meet last Sunday but a couple of days before she felt like she’d picked up a cough and wasn’t sure how she’d be. I took away the date plans and said we can do something during next week if she feels better.

She agreed to Friday but couldn’t be out long as she was up early Saturday, so on the Monday just gone my most recent message to her was if Friday at 7 would work? I’ve not had a reply since and it’s Friday night.

I’ve decided as much as I would like to date her, the communication isn’t working for me and I’d rather just take control and call it off.

How does this sound for a message?

”Hey, hope you’re doing okay. I’m going to be honest I think it’s best to leave it here. I do really want to date you, but I just can’t be left guessing again wondering if someone is going to agree to another date. Haven’t had an answer back when I tried to arrange plans and communication is a big thing for me. It also doesn’t feel like the effort is matched either. Anyway, I enjoyed meeting you and good luck with everything”

[basil67]

I know you're annoyed by her behaviour, and rightfully so.  But she's not your girlfriend and as such, I think that such explanations are unnecessary. 

I think it would be far more sensible to simply stop contacting her.   And to make your decision clear, delete her on Tinder and FB

 

[Alpacalia]

I think it's safe to say if she hasn't responded that the date is off. 

She might have taken it for granted that you were still on, or she might have just forgotten. Whatever the reason... even if it's a good one, it's pretty thoughtless. I'd leave well enough alone and take her silence as a no. 

If she does reach out last minute, a simple: "oh it looks like it's not going to work out after all. Hope you have a good weekend" will suffice.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ramboparrot said:

I ended up asking her out and we met, ended with a kiss and we met a second time.

Sorry this is happening. She has a bad track record of standing you up and ignoring date suggestions. Definitely better to forget this one. If this message gives you closure, why not? It's not as if she's going to become reliable. 

[stillafool]

I would just delete her and move on.  Your message is nice, but she may think you sent it to get a response from her.  Just let her go.  Any girl who is interested in dating you could not wait for Friday night.  She'd be planning her outfit all week, not standing you up.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I would just delete her and move on.  Your message is nice, but she may think you sent it to get a response from her.  

This is what I was thinking. 

Alternately, it's also possible that she starts being defensive and then you'll have to deal with her denials and excuses.  

[Kassieee]

That's perfect.

Wish more people communicated like this. 

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

This was before Christmas and I’d never replied to it. A month later I read her message with fresh eyes and she did seem genuinely sorry, she was stuck in meetings at a school she works at. I didn’t quite buy it, but she’s always seemed genuine from her Facebook and mutual friends who know her.

I ended up asking her out and we met, ended with a kiss and we met a second time.

We were supposed to meet last Sunday but a couple of days before she felt like she’d picked up a cough and wasn’t sure how she’d be. I took away the date plans and said we can do something during next week if she feels better.

She agreed to Friday but couldn’t be out long as she was up early Saturday, so on the Monday just gone my most recent message to her was if Friday at 7 would work? I’ve not had a reply since and it’s Friday night.

I’ve decided as much as I would like to date her, the communication isn’t working for me and I’d rather just take control and call it off.

 

 

 

She is not interested. Or she is very lukewarm. Or she is multidating.  Well, whatever the reason may be, she is not interested. She is playing a passive-aggressive role, hoping that you are going to realize that she is not interested. What she is saying between likes is "I am not interested but I am not comfortable telling you that. So, please get a clue and leave me alone."

 

6 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

”Hey, hope you’re doing okay. I’m going to be honest I think it’s best to leave it here. I do really want to date you, but I just can’t be left guessing again wondering if someone is going to agree to another date. Haven’t had an answer back when I tried to arrange plans and communication is a big thing for me. It also doesn’t feel like the effort is matched either. Anyway, I enjoyed meeting you and good luck with everything”

This sounds aggressive. She really owes you nothing so try not to be so melodramatic. A a waste of time if you want to call her out on anything. She is either going to get defensive or is going to come up with some lame excuses.  Either block her say something like: "I don't feel we are on the same level when it comes to dating. I wish you all the best and hope you find a good match." And block her afterwards. She is not interested. Period. But no need to make a big deal out of it. Be a polite one here and let it go.

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

How does this sound for a message?

”Hey, hope you’re doing okay. I’m going to be honest I think it’s best to leave it here. I do really want to date you, but I just can’t be left guessing again wondering if someone is going to agree to another date. Haven’t had an answer back when I tried to arrange plans and communication is a big thing for me. It also doesn’t feel like the effort is matched either. Anyway, I enjoyed meeting you and good luck with everything”

It's an appropriate message, but to be frank, I wouldn't send it. I'm a believer in matching people's energy and degree of thoughtfulness and, so far, I don't think she's invested much. So instead of thinking up and writing a thoughtful message like this, if I I were in your shoes, I'd just delete her from Tinder and Facebook, not bother responding to her future phonecalls, and get on with my life. She'd eventually put 2 and 2 together and get the message.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't even bother sending her such a message. 

Her silence is telling you that she just doesn't really care so I would personally let it be and not contact her at all anymore. 

[MsJayne]

She's rude. Be rude back, just delete and forget. 

[Alpacalia]

As someone who has also had frustrating experiences at times, I can empathize with your feelings of wanting to block someone who is not being responsive. However, I think blocking should be reserved for extreme situations, not just because someone didn't respond to your plans.

I had a situation with a female best friend. I was on the verge of deleting and blocking her. Instead, I opted to sit with it and not react. If she chooses to reach out via phone call one day (as opposed to texting me....) I will address it.

It might be better to simply unmatch her and move on without any further communication. If she does reach out to you in the future, you can be honest with her and let her know that the lack of communication was a dealbreaker for you.

[d0nnivain]

17 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

How does this sound for a message?

”Hey, hope you’re doing okay. I’m going to be honest I think it’s best to leave it here. I do really want to date you, but I just can’t be left guessing again wondering if someone is going to agree to another date. Haven’t had an answer back when I tried to arrange plans and communication is a big thing for me. It also doesn’t feel like the effort is matched either. Anyway, I enjoyed meeting you and good luck with everything”

It's a little much.  

You can send something to make it clear this is a definitive break.  I'd soften it up a bit: 

Hey, hope you’re doing okay. I’m going to be honest I think it’s best to leave it here. I did want to date you, but communication is a thing for me & I'm not getting what I need from you on that score.  Best wishes in whatever you do.  

 There is also no need to block.  You can simply disconnect even on FB.  Blocking is reserved for bad, ugly scary break ups.  

[Rider on the Storm]

17 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

”Hey, hope you’re doing okay. I’m going to be honest I think it’s best to leave it here. I do really want to date you, but I just can’t be left guessing again wondering if someone is going to agree to another date. Haven’t had an answer back when I tried to arrange plans and communication is a big thing for me. It also doesn’t feel like the effort is matched either. Anyway, I enjoyed meeting you and good luck with everything”

I wouldn't send this. I also would not block her on any social media platforms either. Both will only serve to make you look bad. It was a couple of dates and she clearly isn't interested. Her silence is confirmation of that. 

Instead of wasting energy lecturing her about her communication habits, or blocking her from your online life, I would just simply move on and pursue someone who is interested. 

[smackie9]

Keep it simple, just stop communication and carry on with your life. No need for a long winded message, nothing. You owe her nothing, and she owes you nothing.

[ramboparrot]

Thanks everyone.

Yeah I’m going to play it maturely and just not send anything, match her silence. I’ve acted “dramatic” with others in the past and I don’t want to be that person.

I’ve had her for a good 15 years on facebook before this so best to not be dramatic removing her or sending that message.

End of the day her actions say it all. I do get the sense she’s not over her past relationship, it’s hot and cold. It’s like I have to do every action twice to get what I’m wanting. She knows where I am and I’ve sent the last message.

I want someone who can’t wait to see me so I’ll look elsewhere 

[FredEire]

22 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

I’ve known this girl since college as a Facebook friend for the past 15 years. We always used to flirt back in the day but neither of us made a move. She got out of a 5 year relationship last year but we matched on Tinder.

I decided to ask her out and she agreed. On the day we met she didn’t turn up and send me a long apology an hour later when I told her I was leaving after 20 minutes.

This was before Christmas and I’d never replied to it. A month later I read her message with fresh eyes and she did seem genuinely sorry, she was stuck in meetings at a school she works at. I didn’t quite buy it, but she’s always seemed genuine from her Facebook and mutual friends who know her.

I ended up asking her out and we met, ended with a kiss and we met a second time.

We were supposed to meet last Sunday but a couple of days before she felt like she’d picked up a cough and wasn’t sure how she’d be. I took away the date plans and said we can do something during next week if she feels better.

She agreed to Friday but couldn’t be out long as she was up early Saturday, so on the Monday just gone my most recent message to her was if Friday at 7 would work? I’ve not had a reply since and it’s Friday night.

I’ve decided as much as I would like to date her, the communication isn’t working for me and I’d rather just take control and call it off.

How does this sound for a message?

”Hey, hope you’re doing okay. I’m going to be honest I think it’s best to leave it here. I do really want to date you, but I just can’t be left guessing again wondering if someone is going to agree to another date. Haven’t had an answer back when I tried to arrange plans and communication is a big thing for me. It also doesn’t feel like the effort is matched either. Anyway, I enjoyed meeting you and good luck with everything”

I personally wouldn't go on a date with someone who stood me up, unless there was some kind of family bereavement etc. she should be able to at least text you at the agreed time to let you know she isn't coming.

Seems like she took your time for granted and it's a pretty bad sign. The message seems fine to me.

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

Thanks everyone.

Yeah I’m going to play it maturely and just not send anything, match her silence. I’ve acted “dramatic” with others in the past and I don’t want to be that person.

I’ve had her for a good 15 years on facebook before this so best to not be dramatic removing her or sending that message.

End of the day her actions say it all. I do get the sense she’s not over her past relationship, it’s hot and cold. It’s like I have to do every action twice to get what I’m wanting. She knows where I am and I’ve sent the last message.

I want someone who can’t wait to see me so I’ll look elsewhere 

Yeah for the best I think. My experience is this flaky hot/cold behaviour often comes from someone not over their last thing. They may act passionate to try and reignite some kind of feeling they had with the other person and then careless or even bitter/angry projecting their hard feelings onto you.

[ramboparrot]

13 hours ago, FredEire said:

I personally wouldn't go on a date with someone who stood me up, unless there was some kind of family bereavement etc. she should be able to at least text you at the agreed time to let you know she isn't coming.

Seems like she took your time for granted and it's a pretty bad sign. The message seems fine to me.

I really wanted to send the message but I think it might get a defensive reaction. She gave me silence so I will do the same. End of the day if she really wanted to see me I’d see it in her actions so I guess it’s pointless for me to make the extra effort and just let it fade off

[Lotsgoingon]

I really wanted to send the message but I think it might get a defensive reaction. She gave me silence so I will do the same. End of the day if she really wanted to see me I’d see it in her actions so I guess it’s pointless for me to make the extra effort and just let it fade off.

Let's fix this statement.

She doesn't meet my standards, which start with someone who is reliable and someone who makes it clear they want to be with me--wants to be with me A LOT.  She hasn't met my standards. I'm moving on. 

 

 

[FredEire]

37 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I really wanted to send the message but I think it might get a defensive reaction. She gave me silence so I will do the same. End of the day if she really wanted to see me I’d see it in her actions so I guess it’s pointless for me to make the extra effort and just let it fade off.

Let's fix this statement.

She doesn't meet my standards, which start with someone who is reliable and someone who makes it clear they want to be with me--wants to be with me A LOT.  She hasn't met my standards. I'm moving on. 

 

 

At the end of the day if it's going anywhere the effort has to me mutual. If it's a time pass or an attention seek for her you should match that energy, which is very little. Don't give her the satisfaction of creating a drama as it's probably only going to stroke her ego.