I (male) got broken up with after 9 years. I have a feeling she is already moving on with someone she met

[Billybadboy]

This story is about me (25) and my ex gf (24) who are eachothers first ever real love. We got together when we were both 16 (almost 9 years that we would have been together). First loves are special, and to me she really is/was special. It really felt like we were never going to end. We had been living together for more than 3 years as well. We already talked about kids, marriage etc. However, the last couple of years (mostly last year 2023) we faced some problems. These problems have to do with progressing in our careers, financial stuff, the way I think and the way she thinks (future based). I think her main issue was that she felt like was being hold back by me but also by her herself, her parents and her whole environment. She mentioned she really wanted some space. She therefore asked for a "break" in december 2023 since we were struggling and so I understood her feelings and I said I will pack my stuff and move back in with my parents since there were no alternatives. 

However, this is where I need some advice. 

In October 2023 (2 months before the break up) she went on a holiday with her best friend and she met a guy there. She mentioned him and told me some stuff about that he was "just a nice guy and this and that". I was upset and told her my boundaries of her keeping contact with him. After some time, I was drunk 1 time, and I had this gut feeling. I looked through her phone and read her texts with him. It was basically as if they were in love but were secretly doing so. Very flirtious and sexually oriented messages, and a lot of messages as well. I confronted her about this and she told me she will break the contact. She showed me how she proceeded to quit this contact since I asked her to show me how she handled this. 

2 months go by and we do fine (October-December), in my opinion is got better. Especially with me and fixing some of my issues such as stopping the stupid alcohol abuse and working on my last phase of getting my bachelors degree. Then she breaks up in December, right around when I get my official ADHD diagnosis. 

So we break up, fine. But..... in January whe goes on a solo holiday to Skopje in North Macedonia (she mentioned before and during our break up that she wanted to go on a solo holiday, but also to work during this holiday as well, but due to circumstances she was unable to work remotely from North Macedonia since its not in the EU). Here is the catch. She did not tell me anything. I asked her, are you still going somewhere? That's when she told me, she was leaving in a few days. Here is my concern: This other guy lives close to Skopje and after asking her about this she did indeed say, yes, the chance is "big" that I will go and meet him. She had already told me during our last months of being together she would like to meet him "just to chat etc." since he was just a nice guy, but she did not do it since I did not want her to obviously. 

Now I can not help but wanting to get answers from her on what happenened there and what the deal is between him and her. I feel like I deserve to know this, since it all started during our relationship which was so long and meant so much. All she says is that she does not have to justify anything anymore, since we aren't together anymore. I just don't feel like this is fair to me. Especially since I found out they are in contact at this moment by seeing her phone light up when we were together and seeing messages from him. I just wonder what the deal is and I want to make clear to her that whatever the case may be, I want her to tell me. I feel like I can not move on otherwise. 

BTW: In the meantime, I have been busting my ass off in the gym (5-6 days a week), stopped the alcohol abuse during the week, became more emphatic and more aware of my emotions etc. And what does she do? What the hell do I do with this? I care so much about her, I really want us to work out but I just can't deal with this anymore....

Any advice on this???

Edited February 1, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
shorten title

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Billybadboy said:

in december 2023 since we were struggling and so I understood her feelings and I said I will pack my stuff and move back in with my parents since there were no alternatives.  All she says is that she does not have to justify anything anymore, since we aren't together anymore. I have been busting my ass off in the gym (5-6 days a week), stopped the alcohol abuse during the week, 

Sorry this is happening. It's great you are going to the gym and trying to get sober.  Unfortunately it seems to have been falling apart for a while and the breakup was when you moved out.

It seems she met someone in the meantime but has been checked out of the relationship for a while.

Unfortunately you'll have to move forward and she does not owe you details about her dating life. 

[Billybadboy]

Thanks for your respoonse! I feel you about her already having moved on. I am aware that this has probably happened, but I want to make clear that I feel like after what we had and for how long, I want to know what the situation is since I would not just do this to someone that I had been with for so long. Our break up was at first "a break" only, but we both came to terms that we needed to split fully for us to hope for an outcome of us getting back together. Might I add that she really is heart broken by this as well and I just know and feel that both of us still love each other deeply and hope that our paths will realign in the future. We just have to see if that happens, if not, that is fine too. 

But because of what we talked about (us needing space and work on each other to hopefully get back together since what we have/had is seriously something good) and her possibly already moving on so quickly with this guy (in particular) right after the break up, makes me want to get answers from her. I know that she has them, why not spit it out? Isn't it sad for her to leave me broken and wondering like this when she can just tell me the truth so I can move on? 

[flitzanu]

unfortunately, no, she doesn't "owe" you anything.  she broke up with you in October, and then broke up with you again in December.  that means she is free to do whatever she wants, and doesn't have to tell you (or anyone) anything about her life.

 

[Acacia98]

19 hours ago, Billybadboy said:

BTW: In the meantime, I have been busting my ass off in the gym (5-6 days a week), stopped the alcohol abuse during the week, became more emphatic and more aware of my emotions etc. And what does she do? What the hell do I do with this? I care so much about her, I really want us to work out but I just can't deal with this anymore....

Any advice on this???

I'm sorry, OP. This must be really hard for you. All I can do is encourage you to disengage from interacting with your ex and ultimately block her. The fact that you're still talking is the real reason why you're not able to move on. You haven't really accepted the fact that the relationship is over, which is why you still expect her to give you explanations and updates. You will have to find the closure you need within you. You're not going to get it from her.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I know it feels unfair, OP, but no, she does not have to tell you anything about her love life now. You can't make her do so, and it's not your business anymore. It's your responsibility to move on, regardless of whether she tells you anything else. 

For what it's worth, I think you are right that she went to see him and that they are probably starting something now. But really, he isn't the main issue. The point is that for her to even consider another guy, she was already emotionally detaching from you. Someone who is still invested wouldn't make space in their life for another man, but that is exactly what she did. So whether ot not she met him, your relationship was likely going to end. Her heart and mind were already drifting away from you. 

On 2/1/2024 at 3:04 AM, Billybadboy said:

First loves are special

Yes, but they are often over-romanticized, too. You two were essentially kids when you got together, and have no significant relaitonship experience apart from each other. There is a reason why these relationships often don't last forever. She outgrew it, and was ready to move on. I know it hurts a lot, but it seems it just ran its course and she wants something different now that she is an adult.  There is really nothing you can do about that. 

I am sorry. It will take time to heal, but rest assured that you will. Be patient with yourself. 

[d0nnivain]

She's never going to tell you.  So stop asking.  Assume the worst:  she met him before she broke up with you & that he's the reason you two ended.  Use that worst nightmare to propel yourself forward.  Keep going to the gym.  Heal.  Stay away from her which means disconnect on social media & delete her # / contact info out of your phone.