Lovely Difficulties Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 My partner and I have been married for a little over a year, and it still feels quite new. It's been very good, despite having some nerves beforehand. We don't have kids, but every time there is a family gathering (since the day after we got married), my in laws make a comment about a baby. It's not typically a question, but feels like a demand and expectation, such as, "When you have a baby..." "Next time we see you, we hope there is a baby on the way." If it were a question, it would feel more respectful, but it feels their desires are being projected onto us. It also feels like it's directed more to me than my partner, like it is entirely up to me or something. I feel immense pressure about having these expectations, and it's making it so I don't look forward to family gatherings because I feel like I am going to have to answer. I typically don't engage in the conversation, but comments continue to come up in some way, even though I have tried to make it clear I don't wish to engage about it. My family respects this, but it continues to come up with in laws. Right now, I feel uncertain about that step and we are enjoying life as is, but I would like the space to be able to navigate without family expectations. I really feel like it should be up to my partner and me, and I don't like feeling like there is pressure to meet someone else's timeline. If and when that next step happens, I feel it should be because my partner and I felt it was the right decision and time for us, not anyone else's. And if we decide it isn't for us, I would like that to be respected. I can't give them a guarantee if that is what they are desiring. Any experience navigating in laws wanting you to have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 1 hour ago, Lovely Difficulties said: My partner and I have been married for a little over a year, I feel uncertain about that step and we are enjoying life as is, but I would like the space to be able to navigate without family expectations. Sorry this is happening. What have you and your husband discussed as far as your timeline for starting a family? What is his reaction to their remarks? Please ask your husband to speak to them about his and your decisions regarding family planning. Have there been other issues with the in-laws? Is this the same man?: Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 I would simply look them straight in the face and say, "We don't plan to have children anytime soon, if ever, but if we do get pregnant, I promise you will be one of the first to know". Wink and walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovely Difficulties Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 We haven't really discussed our timeline because it isn't on our minds yet, and we're not even sure we want to go down that path. My partner just doesn't engage when the comments come up and is used to feeling pressure about certain things. I feel it more because sometimes it feels it's directed at me. It also feels like we really don't have an option about the matter, but it's just expected that we do so soon. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be around them. The pressure actually makes it so I want to consider it even less. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Lovely Difficulties said: My partner just doesn't engage when the comments come up and is used to feeling pressure about certain things. I feel it more because sometimes it feels it's directed at me. Please try to avoid them if they won't act polite or civilized around you and your husband refuses to support you. If course you have options. These people can't strong arm you into anything. Please stand up for yourself if your husband sits on his hands while they're making you uncomfortable. A big part of the problem, even while you were dating is your husband and his passive approach to his family's rudeness to you. Please consider marriage therapy or banning these people from your house. Edited January 30 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 You have a couple of choices here: 1. Follow your husband's lead regarding his parents. Don't engage. Act like you didn't hear the statement & change the subject. 2. Say something pithy as suggested above to deflect. 3. Outright tell them that their obsession with you getting pregnant is rude, invasive & unwelcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 Do they have grandkids already or are they waiting on you to give them some? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovely Difficulties Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 (edited) There aren't kids or grandkids yet on either side of our families, and it's unlikely there will be any unless we decide to become parents. I recognize the desire to see the family grow, but we don't have the desire to explore parenthood yet, and honestly feel uncertain if it's right for us. Their desires don't currently align with ours. I don't like feeling like it's required, and also that there is an urgency for it. I wish to have the space to explore and get there on my own timeline, and if we decide not to have kids for that to be respected. Becoming a parent has not ever been a top priority for me, and my family knows this about me, so they don't push it much. I don't see why other family members feel they get a say in this kind of decision that we don't feel ready to consider. We've been responding by disengaging and deflecting, but it still comes up like something will change since the last time. Edited January 31 by Lovely Difficulties Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 1 hour ago, Lovely Difficulties said: We've been responding by disengaging and deflecting, Maybe the two of you need to tell them what you wrote in your post. Just be honest with them that you haven't decided if you are going to have kids yet. They will not leave you alone about it until you do. I don't see why telling them how you really feel about having a baby is a problem. They are going to feel how the feel anyway so just tell the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 1 hour ago, Lovely Difficulties said: this kind of decision that we don't feel ready to consider. We've been responding by disengaging and deflecting, As long as you and your husband can be a united front on this decision. Unfortunately you can't just tell them to shut up, so deflecting is about all you can do. They can't make you have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 It's your decision and yours alone when to have kids or whether to have them at all. No one gets to "demand" that you have kids. You need to have the self assuredness to deflect that and not let it get to you. They are being RUDE and I would respond to this the way I would respond to anyone who is being rude..... either ignoring it, or answering their comments very matter of factly and directly, saying "We are not planning on having a baby anytime soon. If we do, we will certainly let you know." Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 As long as you differ the question they will ask so just answer them something. If I were you I'd tell them *ask me again in 5 years*. Boom done! They will leave you alone at least for the next 5 years. There is no need to suffer in silence like this! If you don't put your foot down with these types of families they will eat you alive! Be respectful of them always but answer them something CLEAR. Ask me again in 5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
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