Is my coparenting relationship with my ex 'too much' or is my boyfriend overreacting?

[starsandsky95]

My ex-fiance (30, M) and I (28, F) have two young children together. He ended our relationship and engagement 1.5 years ago. We live separately and have a pretty stable co-parenting schedule by now. I have our kids monday-friday every week and he has our kids every weekend. We also meet up 3 times during the week for their sports classes (dance, gymnastics, and soccer class). We place importance on both being present for our children at their classes and events outside of preschool which is why we both attend all classes. Throughout the week, my ex will text me here and there to check in on our kids and on weekends, I will also send a text or two asking how they are doing. We regularly exchange photos and videos of our children and occasionally go out to brunch or the movies together as a "family" (once a month). I have been in a relationship with a new man for many months now and he has become more and more skeptical and jealous of the coparenting relationship I have with my ex. He believes that we do too much as coparents and that something is going on between us. My current boyfriend told me he has friends and cousins that coparent but none of them see or communicate with their coparents as much as I do. He gets upset that my ex will send photos and videos of our kids "for mommy" because he claims my ex is thinking about me during those times. Is my boyfriend overreacting or am I in the wrong?

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, starsandsky95 said:

. We regularly exchange photos and videos of our children and occasionally go out to brunch or the movies together as a "family" (once a month). I have been in a relationship with a new man 

Sorry this is happening. Your  new BF has no say and no place in your coparenting or what's best for your children.

You do seem to share a bit too much of your life with your ex, and that could become problematic in the future.

Perhaps the family movies and brunch are something to reconsider, but some Johnny-come-lately shouldn't be calling the shots as far as your parenting. 

[Acacia98]

I'm not a parent, and I genuinely can't tell if what you do is "too much." It seems reasonable to me, but I may be wrong. And maybe if I were dating someone like your ex-fiance, I would feel jealous too. But if I did feel jealous, I wouldn't accuse my boyfriend of anything. I'd just take stock of the situation, decide it was not right for me, and walk away.

I think you need to, independently of your boyfriend and his demands, get a sense of what healthy co-parenting looks like from a reputable site/community/professional that is committed to the subject. Then assess what you're doing in the light of what you learn. If you find that what you're doing is okay, then you need to make a point of dating men who will understand it and be okay with it. And if what you're doing crosses a line, then you can figure out how to best address it, keeping your kids' best interests in mind.

But, I can tell you for a fact that, if I were you, I would lose this particular boyfriend. The way he responded to the, admittedly, tricky situation tells me he may have some controlling tendencies and will very likely violate your boundaries a lot.

Edited January 26, 2024 by Acacia98

[d0nnivain]

It's a lot.  As a non parent, I have to ask if you have a life?  It seems like everything is kids, kids, all the time kids.  

If you care about your BF, maybe it's time to dial back all the things you do together with your EX.  I don't see why both of you have to go to everything your kids do.  As long as one parent is there for the routine stuff every week that should be fine.   For big events:  graduations, the playoffs etc sure you can both attend but not everything.  

There is a ton of close to daily communication.  Can't you just speak or text directly to the kid?  

[Weezy1973]

Seeing as your ex ended the relationship, does any part of you wish you were back together?

I think your co-parenting schedule is fine, and actually parents wanting to see their kids on their “off” days is really refreshing compared to the co-parents I see who can’t wait to pass off the kids to the other parent. The kids must still feel very loved and cared for which is the most important thing. 

[starsandsky95]

54 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's a lot.  As a non parent, I have to ask if you have a life?  It seems like everything is kids, kids, all the time kids.  

If you care about your BF, maybe it's time to dial back all the things you do together with your EX.  I don't see why both of you have to go to everything your kids do.  As long as one parent is there for the routine stuff every week that should be fine.   For big events:  graduations, the playoffs etc sure you can both attend but not everything.  

There is a ton of close to daily communication.  Can't you just speak or text directly to the kid?  

My kids are 4, so no I can't directly text or call them.

[starsandsky95]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Seeing as your ex ended the relationship, does any part of you wish you were back together?

I think your co-parenting schedule is fine, and actually parents wanting to see their kids on their “off” days is really refreshing compared to the co-parents I see who can’t wait to pass off the kids to the other parent. The kids must still feel very loved and cared for which is the most important thing. 

Of course there is a small part of me that wishes things worked out with their father. I don't think any coparent actually genuinely wishes for a split family....but it's just not in the cards for us and I've moved on from that wish so now is just to make the best of the situation.

[Gaeta]

I'm a parent, I am dating a man with 3 younger children 4-6-15.

My boyfriend talks to his children every day. The oldest has a phone so he calls her directly, the 2 little ones he calls their mother, talk to her and then she hands the phone to the little ones. They will attend important things together like important medical appointments, play at school, etc.  She also sends him videos and I am perfectly find with that at 4 and 6 they develop new skills every day and she shares that with him. There is no chitchatting back and forth with her. 

The part where you're over doing it is both of you taking them to their weekly classes, and the restaurant as a family once a month that  is way too much as well. Breaking news.....you are seperated, the children will adapt, they understand mom & dad are not togehter anymore, I'm not sure if you're overdoing this to ease your guilt or it's an excuse to spend time with your ex but you are overdoing it and I am not sure you're doing your children any favor by acting like this. Also, I feel what you're doing is not sustainable long term. 

How long have you been dating your bf?

Edited January 26, 2024 by Gaeta

[BaileyB]

I think it’s wonderful that you have such a good relationship with your children’s father - for the children. But, it doesn’t sound like there is much room in your life for a new relationship. 

Your custody schedule is your custody schedule. It’s great that you both attend the children’s activities. I can see how the constant texting gets annoying - I’ve been on the other side, as the new partner. It can get really annoying when the child’s parent is constantly interfering in your time together. And the monthly “family” brunches, while lovely, are really pushing it… in my humble opinion. Unless your new partner is invited and wants to attend with you, I think I would limit this the most because it feels like you are still functioning as a happy family… still in a relationship with the man, but living separately. And while that is lovely for you and your children, not so much for your new boyfriend…

One suggestion, you can buy a digital photo frame that you can both use an app to share photos and videos. It might reduce some of the conflict - he could post photos and videos to the frame, and not have to text you to share. 

[Weezy1973]

57 minutes ago, starsandsky95 said:

Of course there is a small part of me that wishes things worked out with their father. I don't think any coparent actually genuinely wishes for a split family....

I actually think many coparents believe the split is for the best because the relationship was toxic and the kids are better off with the parents apart.

I’m wondering if the new boyfriend is picking up on your “small part that wishes things worked out.” You said your ex ended it, which to me infers you didn’t want it to end. 
 

Also possible if your new boyfriend isn’t a parent, he likely doesn’t really understand how kids completely change your priorities. Kids come first. 
 

Nothing wrong with the coparenting schedule you and your ex have established and if it’s working for the kids that’s great. However perhaps you’re going to have to accept that new potential partners might have their insecurities triggered, which is understandable all things considered. It’s just hard to know what’s actually triggering hose insecurities - whether it is the coparenting schedule, or a subconscious desire of yours to get back together with the ex? Or maybe your ex is just a great catch and your current partner is just jealous for that reason?

[NuevoYorko]

It's not your current boyfriend's place to influence your parenting.   IMO, however,  you are pretty far over the top with the "togetherness" aspect of your co-parenting schedule.   

Why are you trying so much to present a united front of "we" to your kids when in reality you are both parenting separately though in very harmonious co-operation?

The dinners and both of you being at classes ... it's pretty unlikely that either of you will move forward in a new relationship successfully as long as your parenting depends on you and your ex being together so much of the time, along with the kids' activities. 

[BaileyB]

In other words, it’s all good if what you are doing works for your family. You can certainly live separately and coparent together in this way if that’s your decision… you just have to be aware that it may be difficult to find someone who wants to build a new relationship when you are have so much contact with your former partner.

You should also prepare yourself for the day that he has a serious relationship with another woman because it’s likely that he won’t be texting as much or available for breakfast with you once a week…

Of course, kids come first and your new boyfriends expectations should be set accordingly. That said, it’s a difficult balance for many divorced parents because you obviously need to find a way to prioritize your new boyfriend and the relationship that you are trying to build together…

I too agree that he may well be picking up on the fact that you secretly wish that the relationship would have worked out.

Maybe it’s just too soon for you to be in another relationship… 

Edited January 26, 2024 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

 

10 hours ago, starsandsky95 said:

I have been in a relationship with a new man for many months

 

10 hours ago, starsandsky95 said:

My ex-fiance (30, M) and I (28, F) have two young children together. He ended our relationship and engagement 1.5 years ago

It's interesting how you detail your ex with very specific details like you were engaged, you split exactly 1.5 ago, all the togetherness you're experiencing with him. You don't describe your boyfriend or your relationship with bf with any details, you don't even give us the right amount of months  you've been dating, like he's just some guy with no face filling an empty spot. You also minimize his importance by calling him new-man even if you've been dating many-months. 

So, usually if someone says they've been dating many-months I would think it's right under a year dating, let's say 9-10 months. Which would mean you started dating him barely out of your relationship with ex. 

Your boyfriend is smart, he knows when something smells weird. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

it’s likely that he won’t be texting as much or available for breakfast with you once a week…

Sorry, I realize that I misspoke, I said weekly when you said once a month.

That said, in rereading your initial statement, I see that you also mention going to the movies together… separated people in new relationships don’t generally go on regular family outings with their former fiancé and their young children. I think your boyfriend is right to be concerned. Of course, children come first but there seems to be a lack of boundaries here…

Edited January 26, 2024 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, starsandsky95 said:

We regularly exchange photos and videos of our children and occasionally go out to brunch or the movies together as a "family" (once a month).

I echo other's sentiments. Put it another way, maybe with how involved you and your ex are in each other's lives your boyfriend is starting to feel like it's YOU two he's dating and not just you.

You're not a family anymore. You ARE two people who have a shared blessing in your kids and that's it. 

Going places together. It sends mixed signals. People are gonna go "Well, you're just showing your kids what adult, civil society looks like" and so on and so forth but you know the majority, the CONSENSUS is gonna see it like I do. Mama and Daddy are going out like old times, and that's it.

It sounds like you're both good parents with a big heart who's just been trying to be civil. You're doing a great job of that and all but families break up for a reason and when you split, every little thing you do is a reminder and you're right up on the brink of crossing the line where it's like you may as well have not broken up. This is where you set the tone for moving on without being haunted by the old, the past, and nostalgia. You can't ever move forward when your past keeps tugging on your sleeve.

[FMW]

You should do what works for you, and it's wonderful for the children to have both parents fully engaged.  

The issue is that not many people would be able to gracefully handle the extent of your contact and interactions with your ex.  As others have noted, it doesn't sound like you have much time in your life for anything beyond a very casual romantic relationship.  The fact that you didn't say an unequivocal no to the question of whether any part of you wished you were back together with your ex means (at least to me) that you still have feelings for your ex, beyond those of just affection and connection associated with some co-parenting relationships.  Your current boyfriend's unhappiness with your situation is likely because he picks up on those feelings.

You make the rules on how you handle your co-parenting relationship, but you will need to accept that most people interested in a relationship beyond casual dating are not going to welcome the extent of your continuing involvement with your children's father.  

[smackie9]

There's no right or wrong here...it's about expectations. If your BF doesn't like your situation with your ex, and you don't see anything changing with your situation until the kids get older, then you two are not compatible. End the relationship. 

But if you are looking for a solution, you need to make a compromise. Talk to your ex and see if he would like to make some changes to free up some time so the both of you can take the next step to living your lives more separately. 

Edited January 26, 2024 by smackie9

[MsJayne]

Fantastic that both you and your ex are so present in your kids lives, clearly you both put their well-being first and that's highly commendable. But, the thing is, you're hanging out together so much that you might as well still be a cohabiting family unit. From one point of view you're doing a great job of co-parenting, but from the point of view of a new partner you're unavailable because you're still enmeshed with your ex. 

7 hours ago, starsandsky95 said:

Of course there is a small part of me that wishes things worked out with their father.

Are you sure it's a small part?   I think your new guy is quite perceptive and knows he's the runner up. While it's nice to believe that the reason you and your ex maintain this relationship is solely for the sake of the children, the real reason is that you don't want to let go of that glimmer of hope. And that's perfectly understandable, but maybe not very fair on a new partner. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't date someone who sees their ex as much you see yours, no. 

Why? Summed up here: 

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

The part where you're over doing it is both of you taking them to their weekly classes, and the restaurant as a family once a month that  is way too much as well.

It's wondeful you and your ex show up for the kids, OP. I applaud that. However, I think you are going to be hard-pressed to find a partner who is also okay with the monthly family outings. Understand that if you keep those up, many men you date would interpret that as you still being too enmeshed with your ex. You are free to parent how you choose, of course, but this approach will likely limit your relationships too. 

[starsandsky95]

I appreciate everyone who has contributed their thoughts and opinions to this post and my situation. After some deep self reflection, I do have to say that I agree with what most of you have said. I do feel that I have been unfair to my current partner. I admit, at one point before my current relationship got more serious, I did used to ask my childrens' father to join our kids and I for movies and meals because that was my excuse for spending more time with him. It wasn't with the most "pure" coparenting intentions. I can also say that I no longer feel that way and nowadays, it has just simply fallen into a routine and became our "norm" and now I focus more so on what's best for our children. With that being said, coincidence or not, I found a really cool event going on for kids that is happening in our city next weekend. Since it's the weekend and my ex usually has the kids on the weekend, I sent the link over to him and said it would be really cool for him to take our kids to the event. He agreed and told me he would take them...10 minutes later, he sends me another message and asks if I would like to join and go with them. His reasoning? He said "Since you were the one that discovered this event, you want to come with us next weekend?" and now after reading everything you all have posted...I'm wondering if that was his way of trying to spend time with me or was he genuinely trying to be considerate and fair to invite me since I was the one that discovered this event for our kids?

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, starsandsky95 said:

He said "Since you were the one that discovered this event, you want to come with us next weekend?" and now after reading everything you all have posted...I'm wondering if that was his way of trying to spend time with me or was he genuinely trying to be considerate and fair to invite me since I was the one that discovered this event for our kids?

If this is your pattern, to go out to meals and movies as a family, it is in keeping that he would extend an invitation. I wouldn’t ready anything more into it… but the fact that you asked the question makes me read into your comment that you are maybe hoping he is trying to spend time with you…

Edited January 26, 2024 by BaileyB

[starsandsky95]

Just now, BaileyB said:

If this is your pattern, to go out to meals and movies as a family, it is in keeping that he would extend an invitation. I wouldn’t ready anything more into it… but the fact that you asked the question makes me read into your comment that are hoping he is trying to spend time with you…

I'm throwing myself under the bus.

[Gaeta]

Obviously you want him back. Why not be honest with yourself.  

You were engaged with 2 children, you must have loved each other very much, maybe there is a chance to reconcile? You rushed too fast into a new relationship after your separation.

Does he have someone in his life?

[starsandsky95]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Obviously you want him back. Why not be honest with yourself.  

You were engaged with 2 children, you must have loved each other very much, maybe there is a chance to reconcile? You rushed too fast into a new relationship after your separation.

Does he have someone in his life?

Trust me....I've tried to reconcile. I have made myself look pathetic time and time again at hinting at it just to have him tell me no and that it's never going to happen. He doesn't have anyone in his life...not that I know of and even if he does, it's definitely not serious.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, starsandsky95 said:

I'm throwing myself under the bus.

It is confusing to question if your boyfriend is overreacting when your true intention is to get back with your ex. That's more like 'throwing him under the bus,' don't you think?

Edited January 27, 2024 by Alpacalia