Gaeta Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 Hello LS, I was informed recently that we have a half-sibling from before our parents were married. Apparently our father got a woman pregnant and he did not recognize the child as his. We're talking around 1960 in a very catholic community. She probably was sent away to have her baby away from the village's eyes and put him/her for adoption. Amoung my siblings l seem to be the only one wondering about this half sibling. My bf does not see the point of digging the past. I'm curious if most people would leave it to rest? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 A relative of mine found out he had a half sibling (his mother was raped while working in a soup kitchen in the middle east, in a very conservative country in the middle east -- family disowned her so it ended up his upbringing was all that mattered). This individual reached out to this relative because he had no known relatives. My relative wanted nothing to do with him. I cried, I felt like he didn't deserve to be shunned but ultimately it's their decision. I still support my relative but it makes me sad. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: This individual reached out to this relative because he had no known relatives. My relative wanted nothing to do with him. I cried, I felt like he didn't deserve to be shunned but ultimately it's their decision. That is sad ! Thanks for sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Thanks for sharing. I wanted to share, well, because what if you were in this person's shoes? I don't say that to guilt you into action. It's not so much about the past, but more about gaining a better understanding of your own personal history and identity. Are you a teeny weenie bit curious about your half sibling just a little bit? Link to post Share on other sites
Jock Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 Hi Gaeta, I am going through this thing, right now. Except it is my "new older sister", that has tracked us down. It was a somewhat weird whatsApp message to receive late one night. Now, being one of five (the middle one) and first point of contact, my brothers and sisters designated me to fly over to Spain to "suss" things out. Beyond getting a feel for if she was genuine (that was answered by the time we drove from the airport to her home, it was like sitting in the car with myself, her looks, her laugh, her mannerisms exact.) I asked each of B&S what questions they wanted me to ask. It was very rapidly put down to one questions with two possible answers. Q: What was she looking for from us? a) to look back at a past we knew nothing about or b) look forwards and get to know who her kin were now. If a) my lot were not keen to meet (as our past isn't the happiest of stories) but if b) they were all in and as ;long as she was nice she was welcome. Before I asked her the above, I asked her if she had prepared herself for a negative response? Outcome: She said No. to preparing herself and said her primary objective was a). So right now, I am the only one in touch and I'm trying to support her to reach b) and give her as much as I can towards a) but she is the oldest, so none of us were there So my advice: think of the important and every one who needs to be asked and please, if you do decide to progress, prepare yourself for you and your families a) and b).. they might not be the same as my families are. Me and my big sister, we have a laugh because we are so freakishly alike. One irritation, she insists on calling me "little brother" Happy to give further information about my experience as you progress. a disclaimer if I may, I'm not expert, I'm just slightly ahead in the journey 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted January 25 Author Share Posted January 25 5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Are you a teeny weenie bit curious about your half sibling just a little bit? Yes, l'm a little curious. I'm thinking now If we search this person it might hurt my parents or one of them. They're aged now, l would not want to stress them. Link to post Share on other sites
Jock Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 p.s. looks like you have been here for some time based on your posts, I might cheekily ask for some guidance as I become familiar with the platform. 😉 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Yes, l'm a little curious. I'm thinking now If we search this person it might hurt my parents or one of them. They're aged now, l would not want to stress them. I can respect that. I wasn't sure if the half sibling looked you up or the other way around (albeit, you did mention, you were recently informed) but I think it depends on the individual and their relationship with their family. If I found out that I had a half sibling, I would want to meet them and learn about their story. But ultimately, I think the decision should be left to the person affected most, maybe... Edited January 25 by Alpacalia 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jock Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Yes, l'm a little curious. I'm thinking now If we search this person it might hurt my parents or one of them. They're aged now, l would not want to stress them. It takes a long time to do the research, you might want to consider, getting as much information as you can, as this might also help you make your decision. Its whether gathering the information in itself would feel like a betrayal. Go slow, think on it, I could even pull my "sister" in to give some tips on how to go about it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted January 25 Author Share Posted January 25 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: albeit, you did mention, you were recently informed Our father told one of my brothers. My father never ever talked/shared about anything all his life but since his stroke it changed him, he says outloud everything that goes through his mind. Edited January 25 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 this was common enough in my part of the world in those years, in many cases Ive heard of, searching and becoming acquainted with their birth families was always a source of joy in later years. there were sadly of course also instances where people did not get that opportunity 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 Absolutely, I'd be curious and would want to connect with a half brother that I hadn't known about. In fact, my uncle had such a son that he basically spent no time with, and when my uncle died, our family really reached out to the son and invited him over to our house. What was striking is that the son attended my uncle's funeral, and had nothing to say. He hadn't spent any time with him. Part of the reason I'd want to reach out is for the good of the other person, who has probably spent many many days wondering about what time with his father would have been life, wondering about his father's other children. And this person is still family. A live half-brother is not "in the past"---at least not for me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 I definitely would be interested in meeting a newly discovered sibling. I have no (known) siblings and would love the opportunity. I'm sure it's something that requires sensitivity, but for my part I would be open to the experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 I would not avoid finding a brother because it "might" "hurt" the parents. Everything "might" result in something else. And "hurt"? What does "hurt" mean in this context? And let's say they would be bothered or be more precise (in my experience) let's say that they predict that they would be bothered. So what?! Doesn't kill the. I don't want to participate in their rejection of a sibling of mine. I wouldn't participate in that because of their "feelings." I am not going to keep distance from a family member like this just because my parents don't like it. They're grown. They can handle themselves. I'm grown. I have my own code of integrity. And to be honest, I'm not sure I would respect my parents if they had that attitude. I wouldn't respect their position on this. I swear: at least half of the best things I've done in my life had the potential to cause awkwardness. And they rarely did. And the payoff of proceeding with some courage on these matters has typically been enormous. But I'm biased, because I'm from a family and frankly a subculture in which extended family was quite important and lots of cousins of mine were raised by aunts or by neighbors and so on. If someone were trouble, sure my immediate family might close ranks. But to just connect with a family members who has been left a stranger for years and years. No way would I back off of that because of my parents' feelings anymore than I would shoot or rob someone based on their feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 (edited) 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: I'm curious if most people would leave it to rest? Thanks. I would not let it rest. I would look for my half-sibling. But if they indicated they wanted to be left alone, I would respect that. Edited January 25 by Acacia98 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 Regarding the risk of hurting a parent, I guess I'd just proceed quietly. No need to let my parents know just yet, right? And if dementia and other health factors were at play, I'd probably never inform them, regardless of the outcome of the search. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 I would. In part because I'd be curious but also because I don't have any siblings and I would enjoy being connected to another person in that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted January 25 Author Share Posted January 25 My parents and all of us kids were born in a tiny village of maybe 500 population surrounded by same type of little villages, all farmers. Our family name is well rooted there, my dad had 12 siblings and mom had 16. Yep! I have 80 cousins all together. I don't live there anymore but my parents are. If l start digging my parents will know within 24 hours. I am curious to know what happen to that half sibling but l don't have a viceral need to find them, maybe because l have a big family. I'm noticing people here that would search are mentionning not having siblings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 (edited) 12 hours ago, Gaeta said: Our father told one of my brothers. How much actual accurate information do you have about this such as the alleged sibling or woman's name? If you wish to follow up and have the information and ways and means to do so, you certainly can. Please keep in mind your contact may unfortunately not be welcomed, given the circumstances. But it may be something you both want to explore or put to rest. Edited January 25 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robaday Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 I met my half sibling a couple of years back. I was always open to a relationship but held off due to family politics. It was very surreal, she could finish sentences I started and there was an instant connection. We are very different personality wise, the way we were brought up and our relationship with our respective parent, but it was a very strange feeling being so connected to someone you have never met. We wont ever be close but Ill always be grateful we could meet and overlook the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted January 25 Author Share Posted January 25 34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: How much actual accurate information do you have about this such as the alleged sibling or woman's name? If you wish to follow up and have the information and ways and means to do so, you certainly can. Please keep in mind your contact may unfortunately not be welcomed, given the circumstances. But it may be something you both want to explore or put to rest. Not much information but it happenened in a small village, everybody is born to the same hospital, all baptized in same church, the registries are public so finding a child that was born with an unknown father shouldn't be that hard. In those years babies were baptised 2-3 days after their birth, if she/he would be given up for adoption she/he would have been baptised first. If, the mother was sent to a big city to have her child then it will be hard. Children born out of wedlock in a small village is easy to find, one born in a big metropole can be really hard to find. On a side note: a big baby trade happenning in the 60s was discovered a few years ago. The babies put up for adoption here were actually sold to parents in south america. They were marketed as 'do you want to adopt a baby whiter than white'. They even created a group to find these children, adults in their 50s and 60s now. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 (edited) 13 hours ago, Gaeta said: Our father told one of my brothers. My father never ever talked/shared about anything all his life but since his stroke it changed him, he says outloud everything that goes through his mind. I didn't realize your father had a stroke (sorry). Mine did too. People handle info like this differently. Is your dad really in a mental place that he can tell you something like "I don't know if this helps, but don't worry about it because I found out (insert rest of story that you don't know)". Or are you left hanging? It's up to you how much more you want to explore - -. Do you want the sibling to join your family or do you let them be? (They may not want to be part of all this). Or do you let it be and enjoy your family as you know them? I totally get not wanting to stress your father, your parents, and think it's incredibly kind of you to consider this:) With my relative, the half sibling tracked my relative down so a bit different. I was upset how my relative reacted to this relative reaching out but again, not my decision concerning either party. If your father is in a vulnerable state and may become distressed, it may be best to let it rest for now and focus on supporting your father. However, if you feel a strong pull to seek out this sibling and possibly bring them into your family, you can approach the situation sensitively, taking into account their feelings and boundaries as well. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how much you want to dig into this and if it's worth potentially causing any stress or discomfort to your loved ones. I know with your Dad's stroke you feel that he blurted this out like news because he is changed now. I think maybe that the same person inside him who could not talk of this brought it up now, maybe at a time he felt safe but regardless, something in him - in his heart - did want this sibling to be spoken of and just that....acknowledge that a life was made. Edited January 25 by Alpacalia 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 I have a close friend who was adopted as a newborn and has never met any of his bio family. A few years ago he finally decided to search for his mother, and though the agency did locate her she'd passed away a couple of years earlier. She'd ended up marrying the same guy who'd fathered my friend, (he was also deceased by the time of location), and they'd gone on to have four more children. So that means my friend has four siblings out there who may or may not know he even exists, and he probably has nieces and nephews, and other extended family. His mother was very young and was probably forced to give up the child, (1950's), so it would most likely have been extremely traumatic for her and she probably wondered every day what happened to her baby and where he was. Anyway, my friend is a very solitary man, the epitome of a lonely existence, but I know that he craved a sense of belonging and if he felt he'd be welcomed by siblings he'd have searched for them. The reason he didn't was that he figured at his time of life they'd probably assume he was coming for a slice of inheritance, (he doesn't need to, he's very well off), and also that he'd be intruding into their lives. So I say yes, go for it and find your half-sibling. They may have a happy, full life, or they could be like my friend and have gone through life with a sense of isolation and rejection. I see your BF's point of view, it's a big unknown and you could be opening a tin of worms, but you also could be throwing a lifeline to someone in the same situation as my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 FWIW, if it was me, I'd be interested in meeting them, but I would also consider any potential ramifications of doing so prior to actually acting. Seems like you are in a similar boat to that and are trying to assess e.g. how your parents might feel, etc. (With how they might feel about meeting being an unknown quantity, as pointed out.) If you do reach out, suggest keeping your expectations modest. A surprising (to me) number of people don't seem to care too much about the "meeting newly discovered relatives" thing, as per the meh reactions of your brothers and sisters. You might "gain a new brother/sister," they might have little interest in communicating with you (and/or harbor resentment towards your mother, or even you and your siblings as feelings aren't always "rational"), there might be some communications and meetings, but then things fizzle out after a bit. I'd say all 3 of those possibilities are about equally likely at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 No. Considering that my half siblings' have come into my life, I would definitely pass on it if I had been given a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
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