Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 21, 2024 Posted January 21, 2024 I was speaking to someone that told me that " 2 years single is long for a man". Really? I thought? 2 years is hardly anything. If you haven't spent 13 and a half years being single like I have before, then come back and talk to me. That's time spent being single! It's a very lonely and isolating experience, but, it's made me stronger, more resilient. I find it quite difficult relating to people who haven't spent year's single, who have created a life, managed being content etc as their own person. But to hear " men can not handle being on their own, and 2 years is long for them, and kinda... Get over it was a bit of a... Shock!" I mean I understand they get the willy wobbles and need to have sex, but sexual discipline is so hot to me, and from a Christian perspective, abstinence is attractive. so I guess I'm asking, is it true? Is 2 years single for a man long? And should I get over It? And do men just want sex and is that why they quickly go from one relationship to another? If that was the case, I would be concerned that A). I would be very replaceable if we were to breakup and B) I would be constantly compared to some ex partner ex-wife he had merely 2 years ago.
Alpacalia Posted January 21, 2024 Posted January 21, 2024 I don't think so. I knew someone that was single for much longer. I think, 10-15 years. He married later in life. Sometimes it takes longer for the right person to come along.
Foxhall Posted January 21, 2024 Posted January 21, 2024 two years without a relationship probably not that long, guys may enjoy a period of time out, two years sexless is perhaps another story- it is likely to be an ego basher, guys will drift into friends with benefits scenarios for a while because of this, perhaps meeting a true companion is more difficult.
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2024 Posted January 21, 2024 29 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I was speaking to someone that told me that " 2 years single is long for a man". "Single" is a very broad ambiguous term. It could mean not married or not in a relationship or just free and dating. It doesn't necessarily mean being a monk. Are you seeing someone who's been "single" for 2 years? What are your concerns about that?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 21, 2024 Author Posted January 21, 2024 I think my major concerns are 1. Is his ex wife still in the picture 2. Has he spent considerable hardships and dealt with pain alone. Being single can be very isolating. Is he trying to escape his loneliness? Because 2 years being single, lonely and alone isn't really that long. It's nothing. Try 5 years, 10 years or 15 years. That's hard. 3). Would he really love me knowing that I'm probably replaceable? If has spent 2 years being unmarried from his ex then, his ex is still " hovering around" sure, it's the mother of his children, but there should be a very clear boundary that she shouldn't cross. Like, coming over when ever she feels like it. Apparently she does that. I would have a problem with that personally.
Alpacalia Posted January 21, 2024 Posted January 21, 2024 3 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I think my major concerns are 1. Is his ex wife still in the picture 2. Has he spent considerable hardships and dealt with pain alone. Being single can be very isolating. Is he trying to escape his loneliness? Because 2 years being single, lonely and alone isn't really that long. It's nothing. Try 5 years, 10 years or 15 years. That's hard. 3). Would he really love me knowing that I'm probably replaceable? If has spent 2 years being unmarried from his ex then, his ex is still " hovering around" sure, it's the mother of his children, but there should be a very clear boundary that she shouldn't cross. Like, coming over when ever she feels like it. Apparently she does that. I would have a problem with that personally. Are you even dating yet or are you overthinking things? I get wanting to know your deal breakers but it seems a little backwards, it should be does he take good care of his kids? Does he respect them? Is he emotionally ready for another serious relationship? Is he financially stable and responsible? Does he have a healthy relationship with his ex and is he transparent about their communication and co-parenting? How does he handle stress and conflicts in relationships? 4
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 If you want to find a man that suffered of solitude as much as you then find one but it's not because someone has not been alone 5-13 years that they have less wisdom and less experience with life & growing. I think 2 years is plenty to get over an ex. I would not date a man that's 6 months single but 1.5 to 2 years is reasonable. Usually men don't like being alone for years, that's right. It's just like that. Also most of them won't start divorce procedures, it's still like 70% started by the wife. Men & women are wired differently, they experience love, relationship, seperation, solitude not quite the same as us women. Many men will view being alone as a failure but us women we view it as a time to grow. You have to be careful to judge men as if they were women.
Wiseman2 Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: If has spent 2 years being unmarried from his ex then, his ex is still " hovering around" sure, it's the mother of his children, but there should be a very clear boundary that she shouldn't cross. Like, coming over when ever she feels like it. Apparently she does that. Are you dating someone who's divorced and has children? Does he hang out with his ex-wife outside of coparenting? It's a bit unclear what the concerns are. Coparenting is normal and not necessarily "hovering around". Edited January 22, 2024 by Wiseman2
basil67 Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 52 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I think my major concerns are 1. Is his ex wife still in the picture 2. Has he spent considerable hardships and dealt with pain alone. Being single can be very isolating. Is he trying to escape his loneliness? Because 2 years being single, lonely and alone isn't really that long. It's nothing. Try 5 years, 10 years or 15 years. That's hard. 3). Would he really love me knowing that I'm probably replaceable? If has spent 2 years being unmarried from his ex then, his ex is still " hovering around" sure, it's the mother of his children, but there should be a very clear boundary that she shouldn't cross. Like, coming over when ever she feels like it. Apparently she does that. I would have a problem with that personally. * 1 and 3 contradict each other. You wonder if she's still in the picture but then state that she comes over to his whenever she feels like it. So if she does come over whenever, then she IS in the picture one way or another. As you've (quite reasonably) got a problem with it, don't date him. * Anyone we date could be trying to escape loneliness no matter how long or briefly they've been single. * We're all replaceable if the relationship isn't working out. How much of what you've written about him is assumption and how much do you know for a fact?
ciara_love Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 Two years single does not seem long to me for a man. It depends on factors like age, lifestyle, religion, profession, etc. I would find it perfectly normal if I dated a man who has been single that long. I find it much more of a red flag to date a man who jumps from one relationship to another. If a guy cannot be single for at least a year or two at some point in his life, I would wonder if he is either codependent or just remaining in relationships for companionship and sexual benefits. Unfortunately, I believe that is what my last partner did. He would stay in relationships for a year or two even when he was unhappy. I thought it was strange when he shared this but now I realize that he was likely benefitting from the "goods and services" that these women provided. I believe that he ended the our relationship because I am long-distance and cannot provide those goods and services to him on a regular enough basis. 1
Rider on the Storm Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 I'm a guy and I have been out of my last long-term relationship for almost 2 years now. With that said, I did have a couple coffee dates last year and even casually saw a woman for almost 6 months. In retrospect, I'm not sure how committed either of us were to the relationship, but we had some good times and, physically speaking, it was great. I should also mention that I have never tried OLD, nor am I really interested in doing so. I've never been one to jump from one relationship to another. I've always felt like I needed at least a year or two in between. I've had a couple friends and a cousin that have divorced in the past 5 years and all three went straight from their marriages to the dating apps. Literally, within months, they had new girlfriends and none of the three seem overly happy with who they are with today. Whether 2 years is long or not is up to you. I'd put more focus on whether this person is good to you and whether they are genuinely happy and ready to move on from the past. 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 4 hours ago, ciara_love said: Two years single does not seem long to me for a man. It depends on factors like age, lifestyle, religion, profession, etc. I would find it perfectly normal if I dated a man who has been single that long. I find it much more of a red flag to date a man who jumps from one relationship to another. If a guy cannot be single for at least a year or two at some point in his life, I would wonder if he is either codependent or just remaining in relationships for companionship and sexual benefits. Unfortunately, I believe that is what my last partner did. He would stay in relationships for a year or two even when he was unhappy. I thought it was strange when he shared this but now I realize that he was likely benefitting from the "goods and services" that these women provided. I believe that he ended the our relationship because I am long-distance and cannot provide those goods and services to him on a regular enough basis. Thank you for sharing this and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Some people can be unwittingly selfish it seems. 6 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Are you even dating yet or are you overthinking things? I get wanting to know your deal breakers but it seems a little backwards, it should be does he take good care of his kids? Does he respect them? Is he emotionally ready for another serious relationship? Is he financially stable and responsible? Does he have a healthy relationship with his ex and is he transparent about their communication and co-parenting? How does he handle stress and conflicts in relationships? He has a very odd relationship with his children's mother I think. It's odd because he even says it is! I believe she left him, he hasn't gone into it, as we are just talking. But what he has said, she will come into his house to collect the kids, even though he has specified that he prefers the kids to come out to meet her in the car when it's time to pick them up on every second Sunday or something. I think she will come in and meet them at his house despite him telling her to stay in the car or some such thing.
Wiseman2 Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He prefers the kids to come out to meet her in the car when it's time to pick them up on every second Sunday or something. I think she will come in and meet them at his house despite him telling her to stay in the car or some such thing. Are you dating this man? Please reconsider seeing someone who treats the mother of his children like this. There's nothing weird about a mother picking up her children in the house instead of waiting outside like an Uber. That's weird. He seems a bit ridiculous about that.
MsJayne Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 Two years single is good. He's taken the time to recover before looking for his next relationship. As far as his ex goes, an amicable and chummy ex is an ex who has no axe to grind, and that's a good character reference for him, but if she's still one of his closest confidantes and they're emotionally intimate, I'd give a hard pass. On the other hand, if she's one of those exes who arrives to pick up the children and strides into his house like she owns the place because she's a natural-born boundary-crosser and has no respect for his personal space, because she hasn't acknowledged that he's not "hers" any more, that's a problem that he should address if he wants to introduce a new partner into the mix.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Please reconsider seeing someone who treats the mother of his children like this. There's nothing weird about a mother picking up her children in the house instead of waiting outside like an Uber. I agree. It's normal that the kids' mom comes to the front door to meet them and help them into the car. Demanding she sit in the car is what's strange.
basil67 Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 4 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He has a very odd relationship with his children's mother I think. It's odd because he even says it is! I believe she left him, he hasn't gone into it, as we are just talking. But what he has said, she will come into his house to collect the kids, even though he has specified that he prefers the kids to come out to meet her in the car when it's time to pick them up on every second Sunday or something. I think she will come in and meet them at his house despite him telling her to stay in the car or some such thing. Oh, I thought she was letting herself in when she wasn't expected and for no apparent reason In this situation, the fellow you're seeing is not demonstrating good co-parenting to the kids. Having her wait in the car for the kids is the kind of interaction between two people who are unable to resist fighting in front of the children. But coming inside the house for picking up the kids is a really nice way to do the transfer and shows that the parents can work well together. It gives the kids security. I guess she she shouldn't come in if he's asked her not to, but he's the one being the AH here. 1
FredEire Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 (edited) I've been single for 4 years. Two of those were Covid where I was barely able to leave the house. I've been on plenty of dates but have barely met anyone I've really connected with since my ex. It's hard to find something genuine in the age of internet dating and I don't see the point of hopping into something serious for the sake of it. I don't see why it would be a big deal at all. Maybe he's just selective about who he wants to date? Why is it seen as healthy or normal to be jumping from one heartbreak to the next? Edited January 22, 2024 by FredEire
d0nnivain Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 Single doesn't necessarily mean abstinent. He could have had a series of ONS or hired somebody. He could have had a FWB situation. I don't think it's fair or right to judge somebody by how long between relationships. It's like people are damned if they do or damned if they don't. If they move too fast they will be accused of rebounding or being afraid to be alone. If they take their time, they are labelled broken or uninterested, low drive etc. So what is the sweet spot. . . 9 months, 1 week & 2 days? It's all so arbitrary. Your post about your concerns is you SOOOOO overthinking this. You will be single forever with that attitude. Everybody has issues. Nobody is perfect. Date somebody because you like them & enjoy their company. Do look at red flags. If you see an overly involved EX pay attention. If you see an emotionally damaged person, pay attention. If you see somebody who acts like you are merely a warm body & easy to replace pay attention but don't go into this assuming the person is needed, unbalanced or afraid to be alone. If you start out assuming there will be problems, you will find them. Be a tad more optimistic. You don't have to be total rose colored glasses ignoring red flags but be kinder to the people you meet. 2
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 7 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: even though he has specified that he prefers the kids to come out to meet her in the car Why exactly does he require that from her? It does not sound healthy to me.
glows Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 I don’t think 2 years means anything and why should it be compared to 7 years, 14 years and so on. You do seem a little rusty and that’s fine. We all start again somewhere. I suggest you ask him questions that are relevant to you making the decision to stay and continue dating or ending this and moving on. I’d work on key questions regarding meaningful time spent together as a couple: what’s the co parenting schedule and can you see yourself dating someone with that schedule, is he legally divorced and not just separated and other dynamics of his family life or relationship with his children and ex. How long has he been physically separated or “single”? People assign very loose numbers and labels to these things so find out what you need to find out in order to decide whether to stay or end it. Don’t get hung up on comparing years of singledom. Overall it doesn’t sound like you’re too comfortable with his relationship with his ex.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 14 hours ago, ciara_love said: Two years single does not seem long to me for a man. It depends on factors like age, lifestyle, religion, profession, etc. I would find it perfectly normal if I dated a man who has been single that long. I find it much more of a red flag to date a man who jumps from one relationship to another. If a guy cannot be single for at least a year or two at some point in his life, I would wonder if he is either codependent or just remaining in relationships for companionship and sexual benefits. Unfortunately, I believe that is what my last partner did. He would stay in relationships for a year or two even when he was unhappy. I thought it was strange when he shared this but now I realize that he was likely benefitting from the "goods and services" that these women provided. I believe that he ended the our relationship because I am long-distance and cannot provide those goods and services to him on a regular enough basis. Thank you for sharing this and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Some people can be unwittingly selfish it seems. 16 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Are you even dating yet or are you overthinking things? I get wanting to know your deal breakers but it seems a little backwards, it should be does he take good care of his kids? Does he respect them? Is he emotionally ready for another serious relationship? Is he financially stable and responsible? Does he have a healthy relationship with his ex and is he transparent about their communication and co-parenting? How does he handle stress and conflicts in relationships? He has a very odd relationship with his children's mother I think. It's odd because he even says it is! I believe she left him, he hasn't gone into it, as we are just talking. But what he has said, she will come into his house to collect the kids, even though he has specified that he prefers the kids to come out to meet her in the car when it's time to pick them up on every second Sunday or something. I think she will come in and meet them at his house despite him telling her to stay in the car or some such thing. I think if it's a boundary that he's insisted upon and it's his house I think it's not unreasonable to ask she wait in the car. I get the impression that she would waltz into his house, uninvited AFTER he said don't do that. So he said look, I will have them organised, just wait in the car and I will bring them to you. I don't think it's unreasonable PLUS he said the breakup wasn't peaceful and it lead to a lot of scaring that he is still dealing with. If she is still "hovering" around I.e. still trying to break boundaries, yeah, I would have a massive problem with it. A massive problem with her.
Wiseman2 Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 4 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I get the impression that she would waltz into his house, uninvited AFTER he said don't do that. So you know these people personally?
stillafool Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 16 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I think my major concerns are 1. Is his ex wife still in the picture 2. Has he spent considerable hardships and dealt with pain alone. Being single can be very isolating. Is he trying to escape his loneliness? Because 2 years being single, lonely and alone isn't really that long. It's nothing. Try 5 years, 10 years or 15 years. That's hard. 3). Would he really love me knowing that I'm probably replaceable? If has spent 2 years being unmarried from his ex then, his ex is still " hovering around" sure, it's the mother of his children, but there should be a very clear boundary that she shouldn't cross. Like, coming over when ever she feels like it. Apparently she does that. I would have a problem with that personally. Now that you already know he allows his ex to hover around and come over when she wants to you know it's time to bow out. They have unfinished business and this probably won't work well for you.
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2024 Posted January 22, 2024 10 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I get the impression that she would waltz into his house, uninvited AFTER he said don't do that. So he said look, I will have them organised, just wait in the car and I will bring them to you. So this is something 'you assume', this is not what he told you. About asking him why he requires her to wait in the car? I would want to know if it's justified or he is being difficult. On a side note: I don't think I would date a man that does not prioritize having a peaceful relationship with the mother of his children.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 22, 2024 Author Posted January 22, 2024 35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: So you know these people personally? This is what he's told me.
Recommended Posts