My boyfriend wasn't completely honest about having a female friend and I'm hurt

[Yellowrose91]

I’ve had an argument with my boyfriend.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to have a talk with him. I wasn’t angry, I just wanted to know if he is speaking to any other females , as friends on a regular basis, just for honesty in our relationship. He told me no and I believed him and that was that. I was aware of a particular woman he knew from work , but I just assumed she was a more distant friend who he’d get in contact with every few weeks.

This week, I noticed this same woman had been calling my boyfriend after work hours, at weekends. I didn’t search through his phone, the screen just lit up. I decided to ask him about this, and why she’s calling him.

He told me he didn’t tell me the extend about their relationship because he thought I’d be angry. She is a divorced woman with a child, and has boyfriend for a few months now. She calls my boyfriend ‘when she needs him’. I’ve caught her calling twice this week and my boyfriend refused to tell me how often she calls, so I’m assuming she usually does so more than twice a week. She seems fairly reliant on my boyfriend, asking him for all sorts of personal advice and help on her work. She asks him for advice regarding issues she has in her relationship which she confides in my boyfriend. She never meets up with my boyfriend however, and I suspect this is because her boyfriend wouldn’t like it as apparently he gets jealous.

All in all I’m just hurt he wasn’t completely upfront straight away. I’m quite surprised that after several months of being with him I didn’t know about this friendship. My boyfriend and I are getting serious and I just feel uncomfortable about this. 

I hope I’m not coming across as insecure but I’m pretty much feeling that way right now and don’t know how to fix it. Any opinions/ advice would be appreciated, thank you

[ExpatInItaly]

This is one of many problems you have had with this guy. Your past threads indicate major incompatibilities. 

Expect more of this if you stay. I would have broken up with him already. 

[Els]

Is this the same boyfriend, or a new one...?

 

 

[Foxhall]

Sometimes guys like having attention from other women and they resent the whole exclusivity thing that they can only have a close relationship with their significant other,

Most times it may only be just that- they like to have a network of female friends and it doesnt necessarily mean they are not committed to the relationship or are intending to cheat or whatever,

maybe if they are besotted with their partner-they will not show any interest at all in other women,

but its unrealistic to completely expect that, and in other words to try to be overly controlling of your guys life.

He also I suspect wants to set a marker that you cannot be controlling who he talks too.

 

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, Yellowrose91 said:

He told me he didn’t tell me the extend about their relationship because he  thought I’d be angry. he knew it was inappropriate

Fixed it for you ^

He was doing the wrong thing.  And then to make matters worse, gaslighted you by trying to make it your fault for quite understandably getting upset about his behaviour.

Time to move on to a guy who knows how to behave properly

[d0nnivain]

Her existence would be less of an issue if he had been truthful about the extent of their "friendship."   Him downplaying it raises more suspicions than her calling him.  You should feel uncomfortable.  Keep your eyes open.  Make it clear to him that this is his 1 free pass but you expect honesty going forward.  
"  

[Alpacalia]

"I thought you'd be angry" is a highly inconsiderate response to the fact that this woman is seeking out your boyfriend's emotional support.

Quite frankly, if this is a recurring person that he has known for a while, he had ample opportunity to communicate his frustration with the woman's intimate issues that are being shared with him, instead of keeping you in the dark. Which points to a bigger problem in that usually when two people are in a relationship, friendships with the opposite sex are transparent and it sounds like the real issue is not that she is confiding in him, but rather that he is hiding it.

We come to know about other friendships because they're out in the open, because your partner is emotionally accessible and also unabashedly honest about his/her dealings with the opposite sex. You're his significant other here, aren't you - has he really forgotten to mention that "you know, x is having this problem at home" while he's snapping beans with you on the couch?

Some advice - have another talk with him, and also learn to be more straightforward in regards with your needs. If someone is calling and you've been together several months, it's a great opportunity to get to know them, as well as the kind of support they are offering each other. What's good for the goose is good for the gander - he may infer a long cry from the mess that that woman is, but he sure as heck doesn't get to have his cake and eat it. Set the bound just as clearly as he has.

Edited January 21, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Yellowrose91 said:

He told me he didn’t tell me the extend about their relationship because he thought I’d be angry.  She calls my boyfriend ‘when she needs him’. 

If he admits hiding things, it's a red flag. 

[Weezy1973]

He’s having an emotional affair. If you still want to stay with him, that’s on you.