Valentines day: good idea, bad idea?

[ZA Dater]

My judgement is very poor in respect of this, without going back too far I have sent roses to people I have found attractive in the past, in both instances I never got an acknowledgement nor a thank you so please forgive me for being jaded.

At the moment there is someone I do find attractive and do enjoy spending time with, however communication is sporadic and responses take days in some instances. Is it really a good idea to send such a person roses? Part of me says no and the other part of me says why not nothing ventured nothing gained.

What would you do in this situation, again  my judgement is too bad to determine if this person is actually interested in me but actions would suggest not. Would anyone really mind receiving roses even if they did not find the guy attractive?

Most days of the year are intensely lonely for me but this day is even more so, maybe doing this I'd feel like I at least tried?

Suggestions?

[basil67]

It's hard to comment without knowing the Valentines traditions where you live.   But here in Australia, sending flowers, cards etc is reserved for those who are in relationships, or who are actively dating with a view to a relationship.  

It can actually be very disappointing to receive roses from someone who we aren't romantically interested in because she realises the guy wants more than she does....and this leads to things like having to think about how to have the awkward talk.  Or perhaps she realises that she needs to create some distance.  I once got flowers and thought they were from the guy I was newly dating and was thrilled...then I looked at the card and found they were from someone I didn't want them from and was bitterly disappointed and I didn't keep them.  

Sending flowers is no substitute for asking them out on a date.  

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 there is someone I do find attractive and do enjoy spending time with, however communication is sporadic and responses take days in some instances. Is it really a good idea to send such a person roses? 

If you are not dating it could be misconstrued. Grand gestures look good in movies but rarely translate well in real life. 

[Ami1uwant]

If you aren’t dating yet —Don’t do this?

[d0nnivain]

Do not send roses to somebody you are not dating on Valentine's Day.  Most women would NOT want to receive such flowers.  It's an over the top, creepy gesture because on V-Day you get overcharged for the flowers & it's just too much. 

If you can set something up & have a date on the 13th, 14th or 14th it might be OK to bring a single red or pink flower but in total any gesture must be just that a gesture; spend less than $10.

 

You would be better served trying to find connections & other ways to make yourself feel less lonely the other 364 days of the year.    

[Foxhall]

Yes I am acknowledging the logic of what @basil says, 

although personally I would send them actually- maybe in the past I was always quite shy so its like I dont care that much anymore,

I will be straight out and declare my intent,

I find that approach works better for me nowadays,

not saying thats the right approach for you - it depends on the nature of the friendship- if I really want her friendship maybe not- but if losing her friendship is not that painful and well I have nothing to lose as such.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

there is someone I do find attractive and do enjoy spending time with, however communication is sporadic and responses take days in some instances. Is it really a good idea to send such a person roses?

No, it is not a good idea to send roses to this person. 

If you don't get a response for days, it's because they're not that interested. Sending roses would just be awkward. 

[Els]

Definitely don't send someone anything for Valentines Day unless you are actually dating them.

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

communication is sporadic and responses take days in some instances. Is it really a good idea to send such a person roses?

No. If she is not responding consistently to your attempts to communicate and you are not actually dating the woman… save your money. Sorry. 

[Gaeta]

No, do not send flowers, she is not interested in dating you.

It happenned in the past that men l had  only met once had roses delivered to me....it was really really creepy ! I stopped talking to them because of that. It's like they wanted to force things. Very uncomfortable.

[ZA Dater]

Thanks everyone for your opinion and advice, much appreciated. It seems the overwhelming view is to not send. I'll go this route. 

My logic here is very bad so thanks to everyone for correcting that. This entire situation hurts because actually this is someone I enjoy spending time with and who I find overall attractive. At one point I did sense a vibe of sorts but I guess I was incorrect.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's hard to comment without knowing the Valentines traditions where you live.   But here in Australia, sending flowers, cards etc is reserved for those who are in relationships, or who are actively dating with a view to a relationship.  

It can actually be very disappointing to receive roses from someone who we aren't romantically interested in because she realises the guy wants more than she does....and this leads to things like having to think about how to have the awkward talk.  Or perhaps she realises that she needs to create some distance.  I once got flowers and thought they were from the guy I was newly dating and was thrilled...then I looked at the card and found they were from someone I didn't want them from and was bitterly disappointed and I didn't keep them.  

Sending flowers is no substitute for asking them out on a date.  

Communication is so sporadic it's very difficult actually ask her anything but it so confusing because when I see her there does seem some degree of interest but honestly I am so stupid it could just be someone being friendly and because I never really get friendly and engaging it's hard to differentiate.

My idea flawed as it was was to send roses as a definitive sign of interest. Thanks for the forum I can park that idea and not feel bad about not doing it.

The other stupid idea I had was to invite her to go to a party with me but again that seems like very poor judgement from me. The problem here might be, go with me and leave with someone else...I am trying to put in the effort here but it would seem as usual it's misplaced.

[basil67]

Asking her on a date is the sign of interest which a woman needs.  And use the word "date" so that she doesn't assume it's a dinner as friends.

I wouldn't take her to a party until you'd gotten to the point of being a couple.  Not because she'd leave with someone else (if you do think her manners are this appalling, don't date her at all!) but because it's not the right place to be getting to know each other. You're supposed to be mingling with others at a party, not holed up in a corner talking to each other.

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Asking her on a date is the sign of interest which a woman needs.  And use the word "date" so that she doesn't assume it's a dinner as friends.

I wouldn't take her to a party until you'd gotten to the point of being a couple.  Not because she'd leave with someone else (if you do think her manners are this appalling, don't date her at all!) but because it's not the right place to be getting to know each other. You're supposed to be mingling with others at a party, not holed up in a corner talking to each other.

I think to be honest it's better I just walk away. The party, I go because it's my friends party, the people who attend are not really my scene and I have little in common with them.

Dating prospects are also extremely low as a result.

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

. This entire situation hurts because actually this is someone I enjoy spending time with and who I find overall attractive. At one point I did sense a vibe of sorts but I guess I was incorrect.

You were probably right but when you failed to act on it & ask her on a date, her interest faded.   There is something to be said for the idea that one must strike while the iron is hot.  

[introverted1]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's hard to comment without knowing the Valentines traditions where you live.   But here in Australia, sending flowers, cards etc is reserved for those who are in relationships, or who are actively dating with a view to a relationship.  

It can actually be very disappointing to receive roses from someone who we aren't romantically interested in because she realises the guy wants more than she does....and this leads to things like having to think about how to have the awkward talk.  Or perhaps she realises that she needs to create some distance.  I once got flowers and thought they were from the guy I was newly dating and was thrilled...then I looked at the card and found they were from someone I didn't want them from and was bitterly disappointed and I didn't keep them.  

Sending flowers is no substitute for asking them out on a date.  

All of this plus some of us actually don't even like roses.  

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You were probably right but when you failed to act on it & ask her on a date, her interest faded.   There is something to be said for the idea that one must strike while the iron is hot.  

Unfortunately yet again something I just failed to do. Granted my idea was to try get to know her first and see if she showed any sort of interest. I am probably stuck in the friend zone which is no real surprise.  I did in fact ask her out but she was busy and agreed to do this soon but again I am very conflicted, mostly because I cannot see why she would realistically want to go out with me.

That thought is extremely difficult to move past. 

I'd love to throw in the towel this year but when almost every single day is so lonely I keep looking when I probably should not.

[ExpatInItaly]

I once received Valentine’s flower's from a man I was not interested in. 

We were friendly but nothing more. I found a bunch of flowers at my front door from him on V-Day and my heart sank because I knew I would have to thank him for the gesture but also make it clear that I didn’t have mutual romantic interest. It was very awkward and I felt terrible. He was lovely but i just didn’t see him that way, and it would be a lot better if he’d first asked me out and we could have talked about it then rather than him going to the trouble of making a bigger gesture on Valentine’s Day. 

Im glad you’ve decided not to go this route, OP. With little to indicate she’s interested in you, it won’t be worth it. 

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Communication is so sporadic it's very difficult actually ask her anything 

This is your cue that you are giving your attention to the wrong woman. She may be kind around you but it's just that. Communication is difficult because she does not want you to think this is anything more than being acquaintances.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is your cue that you are giving your attention to the wrong woman.

Indeed, a woman or a man who is romantically interested will respond and communication will not be sporadic or delayed. 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

This is your cue that you are giving your attention to the wrong woman. She may be kind around you but it's just that. Communication is difficult because she does not want you to think this is anything more than being acquaintances.

Yeah I suspect you are correct, have to say most of your advice is usually correct, thanks for sharing!

As usual I am devoid of viable alternatives so I guess I'll need to try make the best of whatever friendship is offered. 

My mentality unfortunately is very much slanted to " well I can't find mutual attraction so I'll have to try give the person reasons to like me in some non romantic way and maybe I can turn it into some sort of romance" so it's always been me having to do most of the communication and with this mentality cones " well I am generous by nature so let's give" and the roses idea was a result of that thinking, flawed that it is.

The advice re gifting here is also really helpful, puts into context some of my past issues, though I have a friend who adopts this approach, the difference is he radiates confidence and charisma so tends to draw people toward him, whereas I really do not.

 

[ShyViolet]

Sending flowers to someone who you are not actually dating is just weird.  This is not the way to let someone know you are interested in them.  It's too much.

[Lotsgoingon]

No don't send flowers. It is a myth that flowers on Valentine's day can accomplish something. 

More to the truth, if you already have a great romantic relationship, then you can (if you want) send flowers. 

But no, you got to go hang out with the person. Flowers do nothing. 

 

[Alpacalia]

It's fine if you're dating, in a relationship, or "maybe" had a crush on a girl you've been spending time with. Say, if you have gone on a handful of unofficial dates, text regularly, and truly enjoy each other's company. Maybe you even asked her out on a proper date. On the morning of your date, you send her flowers as a playful and romantic gesture. As long as you know her well and have built a strong connection.

Sending flowers to someone you have no romantic connection with or have barely spent time with could come off as too forward, rather than sweet. Before grand romantic gestures, consider the context and your relationship with her.

With this particular individual, what you've described, it doesn't sound like roses would be an appropriate Valentine's Day gift at this time.

[d0nnivain]

@ZA Dater

Don't throw in the towel.  Just adjust your mindset.  A date is a venue / activity specifically designed to get to know somebody.  View it that way so you will be more sure of yourself when you ask somebody for that initial date.