Am I wrong to dislike my boyfriends female lodger?

[ablepickle1234]

On 1/13/2024 at 10:10 PM, Alpacalia said:

There is a breakdown in communication between you two, and that is not a good sign.  However... you cannot tell him who he can have as a lodger or not, so in that regard, he is not going to have much understanding. So can YOU live with the situation as it is, is now the question you need to ask yourself.  Because as far as your rights go?  Unless there is actual unfaithfulness happening, no, you do not have a say in this choice.  So... how to move on?

You calmly go to him and explain how you feel -- not how he is wrong (because he IS wrong, but not for renting out a room... for communicating badly), but how YOU feel. Tell him you feel left out, you feel second tier, you feel dismissed, you feel uncomfortable with both the lodger and how this whole thing came about broke your trust in him and that he was inconsiderate of your feelings. It isn't about her per se, it is about how you feel he didn't seem to take into consideration your feelings BEFORE and during this move, and that is what hurt you. He needs to know the difference between the difference of what he thinks is nothing, and what hurts you as his partner.

That is really the only 'right' you have here, given the situation.

Maybe if you come back and update we can offer more guidance.

Thank you very much for your helpful advice and help! I'm going to explain all of this to him. He is already very aware he hurt my feelings alot, and it's just always so awkward as he never wants to even say the lodgers name to me or bring her up in any kind of convo 

[ablepickle1234]

1 minute ago, Els said:

So just to clarify, it was HIM that's "not ready" to move in together after 2+ years, not you? You are ready to move in together, and you have communicated this to him?

If he asked me to move him with him I would say yes, but I havnt ever asked him if I can physically move in to his place.. as dont want to invite myself.. maybe I need to have a straight to the point chat with him about when we will live together, like a time frame of when, and see what he says 

[Els]

10 minutes ago, ablepickle1234 said:

If he asked me to move him with him I would say yes, but I havnt ever asked him if I can physically move in to his place.. as dont want to invite myself.. maybe I need to have a straight to the point chat with him about when we will live together, like a time frame of when, and see what he says 

Hmm, okay. You mentioned in your OP that "We have talked about moving in together in the very near future, but just not yet." I'm trying to figure out what happened in that conversation... was it something like he said he's not ready to move in together yet, and you didn't say anything much?

I'll be honest, in the context of this new information, I think it's really shady and weird that he's inviting another woman to share his place and not you, despite having been together for so long. Clearly he's "ready" to live with another person (and a woman, at that!), just not you... it would be a yellow flag to me at least. I'm not insinuating that he's necessarily cheating on you, but he's not looking like a great fit for a LTR/marriage, if that's something that you want.

I think you definitely need to have a serious conversation with him about this.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, ablepickle1234 said:

 I'm going to explain all of this to him. He is already very aware he hurt my feelings alot, and it's just always so awkward as he never wants to even say the lodgers name to me or bring her up in any kind of convo 

Why he doesn't want to give you her name? Have you spied on him or women around him before?