Enmeshed with ex?

[Starfish82]

I was dating a guy for a couple of months and I found out that he is godfather to his ex’s child by another man (who is not in the picture). He’s the type to stay friends with exs so she asked him to be the godfather around a year after they broke up. They were together 3 years but he kept breaking up with her and each time she pursued him to get back together again. He even moved to a different country to try to end the dynamic - that’s when she got pregnant by a random guy and asked him to be the godfather.

Four years on he’s a very devoted and involved godfather, visiting the child (and thus the ex) every week or as often as he can. He’s late 40s and no kids of his own so he says this fills some paternal need. He’s very attached to the child. But he says there’s absolutely nothing going on with the ex and she now has a long term boyfriend.

I found this situation to be really strange and incomprehensible and kind of suspect. I really don’t like the idea of my guy playing families with his ex every weekend, especially when she has a track record of pursuing him and probably would still like to get back with him given half the chance. But I also feel like there’s some enmeshment on his side that he can’t seem to let this ex go.  Either way this would be a miserable situation for a new gf to get into. What’s worse is that I live 1.5 hours away from him while the ex lives down the road / 10 minute drive from him.

so even though I liked him and we had many compatibilities I broke it off. Since then he’s been texting me, asking me to give it a chance, but he’s not offering to change anything in the dynamic or giving me any concrete assurances about how a new gf would be a priority.

I’ve resisted but I wonder if I’m being too harsh? Am I making a bigger deal out of this than it is? Can it work?

Could do with some perspective. Help!

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

So your solution is for him to cut his bound with a 4 year old boy who known him as his god father since his birth? Yes, it is pretty harsh. 

How exactly is he not making you a priority?

Don't you think if he wanted to be with her he would have  been by now?

What ever she wants is irrelevant. 

I think you did the right thing  by breaking up. The boy gets to keep his god father, your ex will eventually meet a woman that will be onboard with him in terms of being a good role model for this boy, and you'll get to meet someone without exs in their life.

Edited January 9, 2024 by Gaeta

[ShyViolet]

I think it's a completely strange situation and I wouldn't date a guy that is still this involved with his ex.  He's just the godfather, not the father.  I don't see why he needs to be visiting his ex and this child every week.  He's got to know that most women would be put off by this.  If he's not willing to stop this, then he shouldn't be surprised when it scares women off.  I wouldn't want to get involved with a guy with such baggage.  You made the right decision.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Starfish82 said:

 I also feel like there’s some enmeshment on his side that he can’t seem to let this ex go.  visiting the child (and thus the ex) every week or as often as he can. this would be a miserable situation for a new gf to get into. What’s worse is that I live 1.5 hours away from him while the ex lives down the road / 10 minute drive from him.

Please trust your instincts. You've only been dating 8 weeks and there's a lot of red flags, mostly that he still revolves his life around her. This is not like dating a single dad with weekend custody. 

Add to this the distance from you and the proximity to his ex. Since you feel it's a miserable situation it may be better to cut your losses. 

Edited January 9, 2024 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

I find it strange that he even agreed to this in the first place, given this: 

1 hour ago, Starfish82 said:

He even moved to a different country to try to end the dynamic

Yet he then agreed to be pretty closely involved in this ex's child's life? My guess is that there is more to this story that he hasn't shared, because there seem to be some big pieces missing. 

I would have excused myself form this situation, too. 

[Starfish82]

I actually thought it would be better to date an real single father where the child was his, so at least the motivation is clearer and the rules/boundaries well established. 

To Gaeta's point I sometimes think that quietly to myself - why am I not able to be supportive? Am I just selfish or unkind? But my feelings aside, how would this situation pan out long term for him? Can he play father to a child who is not his and over whom he has no legal rights at all indefinitely? The ex can yank the child away from him at any time by moving somewhere - would he move with them to continue the relationship like a real father would, but she's not his child? That would be weird!

The ex could also take the child away if she starts dating someone who doesn't like the dynamic (which I imagine not many men would be happy about it), or if she's jealous and unhappy about him moving on with a new girlfriend and doesn't want that girlfriend around her child. So in this situation the ex has 100% of the power over him and any new gf he has and their lives together, when the child isn't even his!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Starfish82 said:

 the ex and she now has a long term boyfriend. so even though I liked him and we had many compatibilities I broke it off. 

It's strange the long term BF puts up with this situation. You made the right decision ending it. If he's pestering you, delete and block him. 

[basil67]

I too would have ended it with this guy.  And probably more quickly than you.  I admit that I had to Google the role of godparent and apparently it does involve mentorship etc, but weekly visits with the child and his ex?  Oh hell no!

You did exactly the right thing breaking it off.   By doing this you demonstrated your boundaries in a way which didn't require him making any changes to his life.  Really good choice on your part.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

It almost sounds like he has this weird 2nd pseudo relationship with his ex and her child that is completely separate to his romantic relationships with anyone new (which is how he treats it according to that conversation). And like he's in a fatherhood with her rather than a romantic relationship. It just doesn't compute..

[MsJayne]

I think you've made the right call. I was in a similar situation with my now-partner at the beginning of our relationship, and it wasn't that he maintained a relationship with his ex-step-daughter that was the actual problem, it was the dynamics of the relationship that made me uncomfortable because I could see that he was being manipulated and used and it ground my gears that he couldn't, (or wouldn't), see it. I think maybe that's what's going on for you, it's not the child or the relationship that bothers you, it's the manipulation and the idea that his ex is still pulling his strings and he's too blind to see it. In my case, my partner eventually acknowledged that I wasn't the first person he'd dated who had told him his relationship with his ex's daughter had toxic undertones, and their 'closeness' faded very quickly after the first time he told her that he, (panel beater/mechanic), wasn't going to repair and maintain her car for free any more. She stopped speaking to him, and that was pretty much the end of their relationship, so my point was proven. In your case, if you interfere with your guy's relationship with a four year old, you'll end up looking bad, it's something he has to realise for himself. No self-respecting person will put up with their partner playing along with a manipulative ex, and that's what's going on, it's not about the child. It has to be his own choice to back off a bit to make way for a life that doesn't have his ex playing a starring role. Stick to your guns, his next girlfriend will very likely give him the same message, and the next, and then it may sink in. The other aspect is, if his ex is in a relationship, how might her new partner feel about her ex being such a huge part of their lives? 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Starfish82 said:

To Gaeta's point

Could we have more details.

Does the child have his father in his life?

Your ex-bf went there weekly, how did that unfold? Did he pick up the child to do activities with him or it's more about spending time in the home? How long does he stay? Is her long term partner there during those visits? 

Also, how did he not make you a priority through this?

Of course she could leave and move away, he's the godfather, not the father, he'll continue being a positive impact in the child's life from a distance. If you doubt it then ask him. 

But most importantly if your gutt feeling tells you feel he is not trust worthy then don't date him.

My boyfriend is raising a child that his ex-wife had during an affair. He divorced her but is raising the boy as his. I am so freakin  proud of him!! I have zero worry when he picks the boy up each week (and l was cheated on in my previous relationship - no excuse to doubt him). You know what's my reward? The boy adores me! 

So, before this answer becomes too long, a solution would be that the child stays in his life but his weekly visit is about doing activities with the boy...outside the home. It's not been long enough for you to be introduced to the child but eventually you will. You could ask to be introduced to her though. 

But l understand not everybody is like me. I have raised a child that my ex-husband had after me with his 2nd wife. I have raised her since she was 13. She is 19 now and l love her like my own. She gave a new meaning to my life. 

If you don't adore children, no matter where they are from, then don't attempt to date this man. It's ok if you are uncomfortable with this setup. Please don't expect him to cut the child out of his life because of you.

[IrinaM]

9 hours ago, Starfish82 said:

They were together 3 years but he kept breaking up with her and each time she pursued him to get back together again. He even moved to a different country to try to end the dynamic - that’s when she got pregnant by a random guy and asked him to be the godfather.

yeah I would be gone. Here's my reasoning:

Men who claim an ex is or was "obsessed" with them in some manner are always fos. Ending a dating relationship is very easy. He didn't need to move abroad, that's absurd. This story and the whole situation is meant to triangulate you and her. He's not some helpless babe being pursued by his ex, and he never was.

Also, this situation is just plain messy. This man has no boundaries at all. If she was so obsessed with him, to the extent that she got pregnant as some kind of "mind game" to win him back, why would he play into the drama by agreeing to be a godfather to this "revenge baby?" and please don't say it's because he's such a nice guy. He isn't.

If you partner up with a messy person, your life gets messy too.

Lastly, it is not your job to be supportive of some guy and his relationship with his godson. Your job is to look at for your own self-interests and use discernment to filter out people who aren't worthy of being in your life.

eta: I wouldn't reply to any of his texts. This man knows he has nothing to offer you, so why is he asking you to "give him a chance?" You literally already did.

Edited January 10, 2024 by IrinaM

[IrinaM]

7 hours ago, Starfish82 said:

how would this situation pan out long term for him? Can he play father to a child who is not his and over whom he has no legal rights at all indefinitely? The ex can yank the child away from him at any time by moving somewhere - would he move with them to continue the relationship like a real father would, but she's not his child? That would be weird!

The ex could also take the child away if she starts dating someone who doesn't like the dynamic (which I imagine not many men would be happy about it), or if she's jealous and unhappy about him moving on with a new girlfriend and doesn't want that girlfriend around her child. So in this situation the ex has 100% of the power over him and any new gf he has and their lives together, when the child isn't even his!

Exactly. messy. no boundaries. You're wise to think through all the ways this arrangement will be chaotic and dramatic and possibly disastrous.

[IrinaM]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have raised a child that my ex-husband had after me with his 2nd wife. I have raised her since she was 13. She is 19 now and l love her like my own. She gave a new meaning to my life. 

@Gaetathere are huge differences in your situation tho.

Your daughter is, literally, your daughter. iirc, you legally gained custody of her and raised her. She's not your ex's daughter that you frequently visit, she's yours.

This guy had an on-again-off-again relationship, and in the context of that relationship, agreed to be in a child's life. He was never married to this woman and in fact they were broken up already. Although she had (allegedly) pursued him while he tied to get away from her, he still agreed to be a godfather. Why? Could it be he likes the attention of this forlorn ex?

Your family has boundaries and makes sense, even if not 100% traditional or typical. This other situation makes no sense. The only commonality is that in both situations the child isn't biologically yours, which really isn't the central issue anyway.

(not trying to call you out over your opinion, I just know that being a mother is a huge part of your identity and life and something you take seriously. and I'm not getting that vibe from this other situation.)

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, Starfish82 said:

They were together 3 years but he kept breaking up with her and each time she pursued him to get back together again. He even moved to a different country to try to end the dynamic - that’s when she got pregnant by a random guy and asked him to be the godfather.

Honestly, he can't have been trying very hard to end the dynamic if she was still able to get hold of him after he moved to another country. I mean, how hard is it to block somebody if you're stuck in a toxic on-again, off-again situation with them and you desperately want out?

The only set of circumstances under which I think someone would absolutely have to move to another country to get away from a persistent ex would be a situation where the ex was an unhinged stalker. This guy's ex clearly isn't that because he surely wouldn't have agreed to become godfather to her kid if she had posed a real threat to him.

So that leads me to believe that either this guy is consciously lying about his role in his unhealthy relationship with his ex or he is seriously lacking in self-awareness. Either way, seeing as that very ex is still a big part of his life, it would be a bad idea to get into a relationship with him, godson or no godson.

I think you were right to end the relationship. If I were you, I would block him to put an end to the texts asking for a second chance (You see how amazingly similar he sounds to his ex here? He broke up with her and she kept pursuing him with the goal of reconciling. Now, you've broken up with him and instead of respecting that, he's trying to persuade you to reconcile.)

Edited January 10, 2024 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, IrinaM said:

Your family has boundaries and makes sense, even if not 100% traditional or typical. This other situation makes no sense. The only commonality is that in both situations the child isn't biologically yours, which really isn't the central issue anyway

This. 

OP's situation is not really comparable, as there appear to be a whole host of underlying issues that have little to do with the child himself and a lot more to do with this man and his ex and their messy past. 

[Gaeta]

I think OP left out too many details and we need more information before jumping at this guy's throat.

I feel OP is focused on something that happenned 5 years ago and  don't see the situation has evolved since.

She talks about this woman having a track record of wanting him back....that happenned over the course of  1 year  about 5 years ago. I would not call that a track record. That's a 3 year relationship with a difficult ending and now she's in a long term relationship and she does nothing to lure that man back in, if she was OP would detail it all over this board.

The rest of the story is OP's fear of him wanting her back, based on nothing but something that happenned years ago and they are both over it. This man does not want her back, he's attached to the child that's all.

I'm trying to offer a different angle, exs are not always those monsters wanting our man back. I would really like OP to offer more details on those visits as l asked. 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Starfish82 said:

 He even moved to a different country to try to end the dynamic - that’s when she got pregnant by a random guy and asked him to be the godfather.

He was sort of addicted to her before she had this child. He's the problem, not her or the godchild.  Don't feel guilty, trust your instincts that this situation is too complicated. This seems like another way to keep himself tied to her. 

[Gaeta]

19 hours ago, Starfish82 said:

He even moved to a different country to try to end the dynamic

Why is that viewed as negative?

The man identified something that made him unhappy and he took action to remove it from his life. That tells me he's a man of action. 

I know 2 men who did that, the seperation was hard with too many blurred lines. One was working for the government so he took a 1 year contract 3 Provinces away, the other is an engineer so he could work from anywhere and he worked 1 year from Costa Rica. They are both back,  over their ex,  and are in new long term relationships. 

That's what we tell everybody on here who have a hard time with a breakup! Do something new, find a new challenge! That's what he did, 2 thumbs up for him!

 

[NuevoYorko]

In theory I am not a person who has issues with someone being friends or otherwise involved with an ex.   My ex will always be family to me, vice versa (we have a kid in common who is an adult now)  and my partner is absolutely non threatened by it.   I would have it no other way.

This story though ... totally not buying it.  Especially the part about how he had to leave the country because she's obsessed, but then "OK!" to being godfather and seeing weekly.  A big dramafest of a soap opera to be avoided.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

In theory I am not a person who has issues with someone being friends or otherwise involved with an ex.   My ex will always be family to me, vice versa (we have a kid in common who is an adult now)  and my partner is absolutely non threatened by it.   I would have it no other way.

This story though ... totally not buying it.  Especially the part about how he had to leave the country because she's obsessed, but then "OK!" to being godfather and seeing weekly.  A big dramafest of a soap opera to be avoided.

Agree, my partner is on friendly terms with his ex but not godfather-level involved.

This woman knows what she is doing and she has masterfully used the kid to keep someone else hooked. I understand he has a paternal need to be in that child's life, but that could very much be at level that is not as involved and entwined with her as godfather and they sound like they have a lot of access to each other and do indeed see each other despite everything; so where and how could he fit a serious relationship into that?

The priority here is the kid - he was single when she got pregnant and yet he is still sticking his nose in and causing drama. He moved to another country but she chases him down! He didn't want to be with her - he should have stayed in that other country away from her.

[smackie9]

You did the right thing by dumping him because the situation he was in didn't suit you...that fair. For him to be willing to ditch the kid to date you speaks volumes of what kind of guy he is...and not in a good way. You dodged a bullet. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why is that viewed as negative?

It's not, in and of itelf. Moving to get away from her is fine. 

What makes no sense is that he was evidently so sick of her he left the country, and yet somehow he wound up as  the child's father figure. He isn't giving OP the full story, it appears, which is what makes this situation questioable enough to stay away from. 

[Gaeta]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He isn't giving OP the full story

I feel OP is not giving us the full picture either. There is no mention of what those visits looks like, are they outings with the child alone, are they home visits, is the mother's partner present, how long are those visits, why OP does not feel a priority, etc....so many details are left out. Also...this all happen 5 years ago!! Do you notice she has no complained about what's going on today? It's all about what happenned half a decade ago.

Edited January 10, 2024 by Gaeta

[Starfish82]

Thanks for all the useful replies everyone! 

In terms of more details, honestly we didn't date long and I only had a couple conversations about this before I felt so uncomfortable I pulled the plug. 

I don't really know what happens on the visits, it's most likely a mix of activities with the child and interactions in some way with the ex. I asked him if there are any rules/boundaries around how interactions with the ex and he couldn't answer the question, he kept saying what do you mean? which I took to mean basically there are no rules, which makes me think he does whatever he feels like in the moment, whether that's stopping for a coffee and chat, or go out for a meal or who knows! And there being no rules I guess it happens both when her partner is present and when he isn't. It's all arranged directly with her so she if she want's him to come by when she's alone she can easily arrange it.

In terms of their previous relationship, it lasted 3 years. He says he broke up with her every year of those 3 years because he knew it wasn't going anywhere and she kept chasing him to get back together each time, and then finally she chased him again with the godfather thing. So she has chased him for 4+ years straight and he has given into her at least 3 times (that I know of). I never got round to asking him about if they ever hooked up post-breakup, let's face it that's not uncommon between exes, so it could have been more than that. 

Why I don't feel a priority - again we didn't date long enough to have direct experience of this as we had not got to the committed bf/gf stage. But I was worried I would not be a priority in a relationship. So I asked him how it would work when he had a girlfriend. What if the gf wants to make plans for a weekend or do something spontaneous and it's the goddaughter's bday/school play/whatever event - his answer: I'll do whatever I agreed to do first. What if the ex calls up with some emergency and needs him to fix her boiler/bail her out/give her money because it would impact on the wellbeing of the goddaughter - his answer was I might not rush out in the middle of the night but we'll talk about it in the morning. Any further attempts to get a clear answer  about what his order of priorities was met with "that's never going to happen!" and other versions of this which didn't answer the question. 

Basically he does not want to have to choose and wants to make everyone happy - but my point is, him being so involved means sooner or later there will be a conflict with the plans, desires and priorities in his relationship with his gf, and what would he choose in that situation? I cannot get a clear answer which means it's probably an answer I don't want to hear.