LilySun Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 In LDR with BF. He often visits my state because he has family and friends here as grew up here. There is a "family friend" (female) who has cancer and he seems to be having a hard time with it. Months ago he mentioned "trying to be there for a friend with cancer". It's become apparent that he talks to her very often and they are very close. Recently he had Covid and mentioned he must have gotten it from a plane ride. This was odd as he would have to miss work and drop everything to jump on a plane. If there was an urgent matter with his mother, etc he would have told me. I tried to ask him twice where he flew to, and he changes the subject. According to her social media, she traveled for treatment to a state that would only be a 2 hour plane ride for him. There was a couple days it took him extra long to answer my texts and they were short responses. Around the time he got Covid was right around the time she traveled. I've pieced together he must have flown to go support her, etc. But if this is only for cancer, why won't he tell me about it? I'm wondering if there is more going on. But he will be offended if I accuse him of this and given the sensitivity of the subject I don't know how to get to the bottom of it. It's possible he just doesn't want to give me the wrong idea because he knows it would upset me. It's apparent that she is also close with his other family, etc. I wouldn't think much of it except he won't tell me why he flew or where to. The timeline adds up perfectly with his Covid and her travels, so I cant think of what else this could be. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 4 minutes ago, LilySun said: In LDR with BF. He often visits my state because he has family and friends here as grew up here. I tried to ask him twice where he flew to, and he changes the subject. There was a couple days it took him extra long to answer my texts and they were short responses. Sorry this is happening. How far apart are you? How did you meet and how long have you been dating? How often do you visit him where he lives? How old is he? It's strange he mentioned getting Covid on a flight but won't be forthcoming about where he went or why. How much do you know about him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted January 3 Author Share Posted January 3 Wiseman - we started as friends 20 yrs ago, together for 10. So I know him quite well, and he only drives even for long distance trips because he has a lot of work equipment to tag along. He never, ever flies for work. That's how I know this couldn't have been work- related. He would only drop work and hop on a plane for something urgent or extremely important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted January 3 Author Share Posted January 3 Also I just saw him this weekend and he couldn't wait to get his hands on me, so I'm not seeing a decrease in physical interest, but not sure that matters because it could still maybe be an emotional affair he's having without the physical part...I just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 40 minutes ago, LilySun said: . He never, ever flies for work. That's how I know this couldn't have been work- related. He would only drop work and hop on a plane for something urgent or extremely important. Please ask him where he went. That's a better way to assess what's going on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted January 3 Author Share Posted January 3 As mentioned in my 1st post, I asked him twice.... both times he avoided answering & changed the subject. I just played along & didn't want to push it right then but know I need to somehow get him to answer I just don't know how. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 41 minutes ago, LilySun said: As mentioned in my 1st post, I asked him twice.... both times he avoided answering & changed the subject. I just played along & didn't want to push it right then but know I need to somehow get him to answer I just don't know how. If he's dodging the question it's strange, however you could try an indirect approach such as "how's (friend with cancer) doing, have you heard from her lately?" Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 53 minutes ago, LilySun said: As mentioned in my 1st post, I asked him twice.... both times he avoided answering & changed the subject. I just played along & didn't want to push it right then but know I need to somehow get him to answer I just don't know how. Why are you tiptoeing around the question? Why "play along"? People in actual relationships, long distance or not, tell each other when they are going on a trip. Let me help you: "Darling, the other day you mentioned that you think you caught COVID on a plane ride. Where did you travel on a plane?" I think the question you REALLY want to ask him, though, is more along the lines of: "Sweetiepie, are you having an affair with your family friend who has cancer?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 Be direct with him, tell him it's bothering you that he wouldn't answer your question about when he was on a plane. The alternative is to continue pretending everything is ok and for it to become an even bigger question in your mind. I've never been in a long distance relationship, but I would think the most important skill required would be clear and direct communication. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 Sorry, but it sounds like he may be having an affair.....hate to say. With the limited knowledge I have, it's either he's cheating or he's moved on from your LDR and hasn't told you yet. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 I think you're guessing right that he went to give support. Being a supportive friend isn't a problem, but hiding it is. Just straight up tell him that you noticed he avoided telling you where he went on a plane and it's bothering you, and ask him again where he went. It's not an unreasonable question and you're not being unreasonable asking it, and stop worrying about it being a sensitive topic, your relationship and your feelings are also a sensitive topic. I wouldn't assume there's anything untoward going on, he may just have misplaced guilt feelings about giving such an intimate level of support to another woman. I'm a little confused though, does this friend live in the same place as you, where he grew up? And, if she does, are you also part of this friendship or is it just a cosy little circle of two? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 12 hours ago, LilySun said: , together for 10. I know this couldn't have been work- related. He would only drop work and hop on a plane for something urgent or extremely important. How far apart are you and how often do you go to his area? It seems like you're struggling to put pieces of a puzzle together as far as timelines and his friend. Do you think he slipped when he told you he was on a plane? You've known him a long time, yes, but apparently not that well if you are left wondering where he's off to and what he's up to and he sidesteps the question. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 13 hours ago, LilySun said: As mentioned in my 1st post, I asked him twice.... both times he avoided answering & changed the subject. I just played along & didn't want to push it right then but know I need to somehow get him to answer I just don't know how. Ask him again. If he's your 10 year bf you should feel comfortable asking him where he went instead of just playing along. Tell him it's been bothering you and you'd like clarification. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 You are only hurting yourself at this point. You suspect an affair but the last time you saw him you brushed his avoidance of your direct Q under the rug & had sex with him. You best get an STD test. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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