Alvi Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 It's a strange one. Not someone that I expected to hear from but OK, he has contacted me yesterday on my phone. I was talking to this guy on-line three years ago (or maybe more). Long story short, he asked me for a date and I said yes. Then we chatted some more and some things that he said didn't sit well with me. I thought about going on a date with him but based on those things, I decided to cancel our date. I didn't go into explanations but wished him well. We did ended up chatting once in a while after that and he did ask me out once again. I declined again. We did have some things in common but I couldn't let go of that thing that he said to me first time around. It is nothing earth shattering or abusive but I would not be comfortable who feels strongly about something that I see the other way around. He is a nice guy but... Well, there is that but. I didn't block him but I didn't feel that there was a need. He sounds like a good person but not the one for me. Anyway, fast forward to now. I am dating someone for over a year and I am very happy. This guy has messaged me out of the blue yesterday asking me about a reason why I haven't went out with him. Do I tell him or make something up. Do ignore that message or should I block him? I don't know what to do. I have no clue why he has contacted me after all this time either. We never went out so do I owe him any explanation at all? Perhaps he is lonely or is trying to reflect on some things, I have no idea. I don't want to keep him around since I am dating someone but I feel bad to ignore him. I haven't talked to him in more than a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 Why not tell him why? then tell him you are in a relationship now and wish him luck. Is that something embarassing? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 Of course you dont' owe him a single thing. Simply saying "I have a boyfriend" should end the conversation in its tracks. Either that or you could just say "I didn't think you and I were a match." That's it. Don't overthink this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 I don't think you ever owe anyone an explanation you're not comfortable sharing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 2 hours ago, Alvi said: . This guy has messaged me out of the blue yesterday asking me about a reason why I haven't went out with him. Do I tell him or make something up. There's no need to lie or be rude. You can simply say "nice to hear from you, I have a BF, all the best in 2024". Then delete and block him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 (edited) 3 hours ago, Alvi said: This guy has messaged me out of the blue yesterday asking me about a reason why I haven't went out with him. Do I tell him or make something up. A young friend of mine had a similar thing where she went on one date with a boy but decided against seeing him again. He came back to her a little later and explained that this keeps happening on dates and he's trying to work out what he's doing wrong. So she kindly told him the reason. He was very thankful that she took the time to give him info which would help him improve in the future. So I vote that if you can give him some constructive feedback, it would be a kindness. Then as you end the conversation, simply wish him well for his future. Edited January 2 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 IMO you were wrong to accept the date, then change your mind. That was kind of rude, no matter what he said, as long as it wasn't abusive. You could have at least met for a drink. Anyway, all these years later, whether you tell him or not is up to you. If you are going to tell him you better able to practically quote him. You should preface anything you say with the fact that you are in a relationship; him popping up out of the blue is not welcome; & him being hung up on this for years is unhealthy. Frankly, I wouldn't tell him. I'd respond with something vague along the lines of "Wow. You're a blast from the past. Wasn't expecting to hear from you 3 years later. I'm sorry you are still hung up on our missed connection. I don't really remember exactly why we never got together; I do remember as we talked something changed. I'm in a great relationship now & very happy. I wish you well." Then I'd block & move along. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 I don’t know how much you talked online or on the phone…. from my own experience….I understand people cancelling the date do to things like (1) realizing they aren’t ready to date yet after a divorce/ split/ death, (2) you arent the only one they are talking to so they could easily advance farther in a different relationship and want yo focus on that one, (3) you aren’t ready to date seriously yet or something personal is coming up and don’t want to burden a new relationship. I think someone who you have met face to face more than once and you decide not to date and it’s not from an argument/ disagreement at least deserves some explanation of why/ did they do something wrong. Most can respect your choices made. Sometimes you could have misinterpreted something because of their words chosen or mannerisms. as you said it was something minor — maybe you misinterpreted something or they chose the wrong words. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 (edited) 21 hours ago, Alvi said: Then we chatted some more and some things that he said didn't sit well with me. I thought about going on a date with him but based on those things, I decided to cancel our date. I didn't go into explanations but wished him well. We did ended up chatting once in a while after that and he did ask me out once again. I declined again. We did have some things in common but I couldn't let go of that thing that he said to me first time around. It is nothing earth shattering or abusive but I would not be comfortable who feels strongly about something that I see the other way around. He is a nice guy but... Well, there is that but. Alvi it sounds like three years ago you casually accepted a date and then cancelled it. You never actually went out on the date or met him. Is this correct? if yes, then simple - he is a stranger. IF what he said made you cautious and uncomfortable like you mention, I'm sorry, but you're under no obligation to explain. I don't know why he looked you up again after all this time. I think he's hoping you might have forgotten his earlier communication. You haven't gone out on one date and that's a good enough reason not to meet if you don't want too. At most you could say you're not a match, the encounter wasn't meant to be, and that you hope he had the best of luck in his journey. No need for proper explanation with anything you feel is ouchy about him, be kind and then let it go. Good luck! Edited January 3 by Alpacalia 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 (edited) Technically, no one owes anyone anything ala "all's fair in love and war." The fact that he is still wondering about this 3 years later suggests he isn't having much luck dating. I think generally it's polite to give at least some explanation. "Look, I just didn't feel we were a good match" or similar. Normally this is done a lot earlier. The small, but real, risk one takes in doing that is that the explanation offered won't be enough and the person will keep following up for more information, etc, in an effort to "learn more about how they come across" and quite possibly leading to efforts to justify "how they are" even though those aspects of their personality tend to drive away the opposite sex. This can (not necessarily will) turn into an unnecessary and emotionally charged conversation with very few positives but substantive pent up bitterness and resentment coming out of it, the vast majority of which you had nothing to do with. Which is one reason some folks choose to avoid it altogether. Again the risk is small, but real. I'd suggest that, if you choose to engage, you keep it minimal AND make it VERY clear that a) you're now taken and b) even though you don't dislike this person, you're simply not interested in dating them, ever, period. Ending any ambiguity on that point in as kind a way as possible may be helpful. Normally that is enough. IF it's not you could tell them directly to stop contacting you, block and delete and consider mentioning that you're not above contacting law enforcement if they continue to "harass" you online. Again normally it doesn't come to that. It is sad how loneliness will drive some people to "grasp at straws." Finding someone to date/be with isn't always easy unfortunately. Edited January 3 by mark clemson 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 You don't owe him anything, but IMO with the timing it sounds like a "new year resolution - self-improvement" thing for him. What I'd do personally depends on the tone of his message - if it sounds like he genuinely wants to learn, then I'd take the time to explain nicely what I didn't like and what he can do differently when he's dating another person (while throwing in a mention to my partner at some point). If it sounds like he's just finding fault or desperately trying to get together, I'd either ignore or block him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 I wouldn't bother replying. It's been a long time since you actually spoke and you hardly knew him. I don't think it's worth responding at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 (edited) On 1/2/2024 at 12:11 PM, Alvi said: . This guy has messaged me out of the blue yesterday asking me about a reason why I haven't went out with him. Do I tell him or make something up. Agree it might be a new year's kind of thing. Such as deciding he wants to date again and backtracking through his contact lists to see who's still out there. It's doubtful he really wants to hear what you thought was incompatible, it seems like an opening line. Edited January 3 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 (edited) On 1/2/2024 at 5:40 PM, Gaeta said: Why not tell him why? then tell him you are in a relationship now and wish him luck. Is that something embarassing? This, it's not super duper complicated I think you're just afraid of feeling awkward. Tell him the truth and if he doesn't respect you and starts pestering block him. Edited January 5 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Alvi, what did you end up deciding? Link to post Share on other sites
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