scobro Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 I keep seeing my ex every Wed and Thurs at the gym we use to go to together.I am a fitness trainer and train a client every Wed ,Thurs at the same time my ex is there.The problem is seeing her always puts me back 3 steps when I have gone forward 2 steps from the Thurs to the Wed.It is driving me nuts because she acts all nice smiling and waves to say HI.I ignore her as best I can and do not talk to her but I know she is there and I still watch her etc cannot help it.Then all the feelings start coming back and it makes me feel horrible and so inadequate and quite frankly I feel like a loser when she is near because she dumped me and ended our marriage out of the blue to me then dates real quick etc.I have done NC for a month but am debating whether to just e-mail or call her and ask her not to go on Wed Thurs as its just very hard for me to deal with.Is this a good idea.Isaw her at 6:00am this morning and it has been on my mind every single second including right now at 2:37pm I cannot handle this every week.What should I do????
pippen_2k Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 I dont think you should be asking her to change her timings, because she wont understand. Is there any possible way you can change your clients timings or location or is that a no go?
Author scobro Posted November 10, 2005 Author Posted November 10, 2005 no its a private session at a gym I don't work at I do it privately and they cannot change.I think she would understand if I did ask her,before NC i told her I am not at the point where we can be friends I still hurt and am angry etc. She has moved on already so she probably would understand.
pippen_2k Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 Well if thats your ONLY option then id ask her. Hope things work out ok for ya
chocolate_boy Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 Or if you can muster it, be rude to her and blank her or actually tell her to leave you alone, she ended it, she deserves it. Might make you feel a bit better afterwards too.
Art_Critic Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 Don't even say hi.. Ignore her entirely She is keeping the same workout time because she feels in control and empowered by your obvious reactions to her.. Show her that you do not care one little drop for her.. ( even if you do.. don't show her ) She will then start to get uncomfotable with the workout time and she will change it all on her own.. It is your actions that are keeping her there during your client workout.. No ex would put themselves together with the other unless it makes them feel good..
bendit Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 Scobro, I have to be blunt with you. This person is TOXIC for you. You must find a way to go full on, full blown (sorry) NO CONTACT. Don't let her see the dogs. Don't let her have a relationship with the step daughter. She was in your life for a very short time. Try and set things up so that you never will run into her. This person you married very likely has a personality disorder that makes her a terrible lover friend acquaintance, ANYTHING. Having contact with her in ANY WAY is going to damage you more and will prevent you from picking up the pieces of your life. Your life has been derailed by a most unfortunate partnering with someone who was not who you thought she was. She turned out to be an EMOTIONAL mirage. So let me say it again. She is TOXIC. Contact with her will continue to set you back and hurt you and make your life a living hell. Today, NOW, you need to sit down with pen and paper and map out a strategy for yourself that completely eliminates contact with this person. You may need to MOVE. You may need to change your phone number. You may need to block her emails. You may need to take her off IM. You may need caller ID and anonymous call blocking. You have to learn to say NO to this woman. No that she can't see the dogs. She made a decision to END your relationship. With that decision comes certain consequences that have to do with your personal health. If you decide that it hurts you to have her come over and see the dogs, then she doesn't see the dogs anymore. Same with the step daughter. Its time to make decisions for you. You call the shots not her. You decide what's good for you, not her. She DUMPED you like a pile of TRASH on the road. I am sorry this happened but this is what she did. You don't owe her ANYTHING. You are hurting yourself by allowing her into your life. She is in fact USING you and your kindness for her own purposes. It has nothing to do with you, and wanting to be "friends". It is about her and her guilt for what she did. She needs to feel better and play the "nice" ex who visits you and asks about you. So it is time to WAKE UP! She dumped you like a bag of old worn out clothes one takes to the Salvation Army. You don't owe her ANYTHING. Now take the actions I described and begin to HEAL YOUR LIFE. regards
strongwillpwr Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 no its a private session at a gym I don't work at I do it privately and they cannot change.I think she would understand if I did ask her,before NC i told her I am not at the point where we can be friends I still hurt and am angry etc. She has moved on already so she probably would understand. I think you're right in recognizing that you're not at an emotional state yet where you can be friends with your ex. Truly healing requires NC, and if you keep seeing her and running into her, you're delaying your progress towards being at a comfortable emotional state. I don't think she's 100% sure she did the right thing, which is why she keeps going to your gym. It's not that hard to change gyms...I think she keeps going to your gym so she has a chance of running into you... I think you should politely tell her to change gyms because at this stage, you do not believe it is healthy for the two of you to keep running into each other. Keep it diplomatic...and after telling her this, resume NC...
westernxer Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 You should defninitely change gyms. I don't think you'd have any trouble being a personal trainer elsewhere, considering how fit you are. Dude, you're money.
In Sync Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 scobro Change gyms and get new clients. She is mentally doing damage to you. You can get other clients. I'm with the rest who say switch gyms schedules..but you can't allow this woman to drag to do this to you. Really what's the point of prolonging this torture for yourself. Seeing her on this regular basis will stop your healing PERIOD. You'll be in this F*****G limbo for years because of this. Definitely not worth the suffering. I say don't even talk with her about this. She feign that she understands but this will just coat her ego. Afterall why would she be there in the first place during your workout schedule...she's lacking that much commonsense that she doesn't realize the effect its having on you. Come on..she know! Get as far from her as possible.
Author scobro Posted November 11, 2005 Author Posted November 11, 2005 Thanks for the FEEDBACK EVERYONE.My problem is I have been training the same guy there for years I cannot just drop him on account my ex shows up plus its money out of my pocket if I do.I work at two other gyms one part time basis and the other full time this place where my ex is at i train a guy in the morning from 6-7 on wed and thurs and I cannot drop him.So should I just e-mail my ex ask her not to show up or just deal with it.Once the New year is here my ex is moving and will not be at that gym anymore but that is a few months away.I don't know how to handle it in the meantime do i ask her to not come on Wed Thur or just ignore her if she is there and deal with it?.
strongwillpwr Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 I don't know how to handle it in the meantime do i ask her to not come on Wed Thur or just ignore her if she is there and deal with it?. I'm going through my ups and downs too after my breakup 2 months ago...if that were compounded by running into my ex the way you are, I would definitely do something about it. So my advice...send her a neutral email stating that given what's happened, you don't think it's a good idea that you guys keep running into each other. And ask her if she would stop coming to your gym at times when you guys may run into each other. Keep it short, and to the point...don't let her know that you're going nuts or anything like that.
downcydeguy Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 Scobro, definitely tell her to change HER schedule because you are not ready to see her like that. You can ask her to be cordial and understanding of the discomfort she's causing you every week. Why in the h*ll is everyone on here telling YOU to change YOUR schedule??? SHE left YOU..remember?? Art_Critic is exactly right about WHY she hasn't changed her schedule. She loves the power and control she has right now. I suggest telling her asap and see what happens.
helena abadi Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 Art_Critic is pretty much right, I have one nagging doubt. By asking her to change her routine, it shows her that she's getting to you. And if she refuses, she's exercising more power knowing full well she's pissing you off. On the other hand, asking her to change her routine is clearly telling her to stay the hell away. And if she doesn't do it, IGNORE her completely. Silent is violent. People hate being ignored when they have points to score. Don't change your schedule At All. You have been thru enough already.
In Sync Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 Hmmm, since you know her best...do you think she is going to be reasonable about changing her schedule. Ok, you can't switch and now its clear to me why, you have a client you can't drop. Yet, if you know your ex wife, why would she opt to exercise there at the same time? To bug you. You don't think that the thought hasn't occured to her...so by engaging in this territorial battle you'll be setting yourself up for more interaction. It's like ignore the big fat pink elephant siting in the middle of the little room. But again since only you know her best...is there a chance she could honestly say " I didn't realize it was so upsetting to you...I'll be happy to change if it makes things better for you." Then speak to her directly. Because somehow it has to be resolved and the just ignoring her seems more discomfort for you.
bendit Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 I would never in a million years speak to her directly or even email her for that matter. I would ignore her as if she didn't exist. Its only a few more times. If you email her, you are giving her satisfaction (AGAIN) that she got to you, that you just can't stop thinking about her, and how "great" she was. She has every right to work out in that gym at that time as you do. So it really would send a signal to her that she is getting to you if you make a big deal out of it. Ignore. Its not that difficult and can be done. Looking for "excuses" to stay in contact with her only creates more pain, and the idea is to start letting go of pain. Speaking to her directly would be 10 times worse. You really MUST ignore these people. They aren't like us at all, they are disordered, so we can't do what we would normally do with a person who has normal behavior patterns. Scobro, she continues to work you over because you continue to allow yourself to break NC..because you won't change venues, because you respond when one of her relatives dies. As innocent as these contacts are, they take their toll. At some point you have to realize that NC means NO CONTACT. regards
In Sync Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 I would never in a million years speak to her directly or even email her for that matter. I would ignore her as if she didn't exist. wait a minute guys...hold it just a second here. I'm confused. I just got finish reading on the other thread scobro's suggestion about healing a broken heart by writing out your feeling and forgiveness etc etc. That's major stuff to do, forgive your ex in order to move on and heal. (Haven't written out my list yet, to ready to forgive my ex just yet.. but he went on about the grieving and forgiving) SOOO, after one is willing to do that, he shouldn't talk to her? I'm not suggestiong it needs to be touchy feely or rehashing their past, but a clear understanding to the point conversation about 'how are we going to handle this without further awkwardness here.' If he's forgiven her why can't they address the situation..they can't realistically co-exist and ignore each other continually until that she'll eventually go away. That just seems peculiar.
bendit Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Forgiveness and contact are two separate things. you can forgive and still maintain nc. Don' t forget, its likely that his ex has a PD that is toxic to him. These people will hurt you if you continue to have contact with them. Again, they are not like Most people. NC allows him to heal. You forgive the ex for being ignorant and unable to have a loving relationship and Let Go. However, you never ever have contact with this toxic person again. The key word here is Toxic. You don't contact acid with your skin if you can avoid it. Forgiveness does not Imply contact. No new contact = No new hurt. regards
In Sync Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 you never ever have contact with this toxic person again. ouch! got it...oh yeah... remember that time my ex sent me the e-mail and I was parsing it like the "CIA reading a letter from bin laden", your quote bendit...you were right as a result a new contact became a new hurt. just out of curiosity do these personality types that are so self absorded do they derive pleasure from causing pain or they just are oblivious and in their own denial. I do remember that my ex never thought he was at fault for hurting another's feeling. it truly was inconceivable that he was responsible if I or anyone was hurt by his actions...so in their minds they are that detached?
helena abadi Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 they are self-absorbed, lacking in empathy for others, and invested much less in the relationship from the beginning. because their emotional attachment was less, it was less hassle for them when the relationship ended. they may not aware they are hurting the other person still. the other person has to toughen up for god's sake and stay away from the source of the poison. we can be such suckers for punishment. sigh.
bendit Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 I don't think its intentional but in some cases it surely could be. They just do it as a defense mechanism and a way to cope with their lives. I think its a way to feel superior in the end. They don't have an appreciation that the things they say and do can be hurtful. In that sense, they are entirely self centered. regards
bendit Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 ouch! got it...oh yeah... remember that time my ex sent me the e-mail and I was parsing it like the "CIA reading a letter from bin laden", your quote bendit...you were right as a result a new contact became a new hurt. IS yes I remember. But do you remember when you contacted the ex about your Mother? Yes THAT contact set you back although you probably don't agree. Any contact with these people is a setback. Any. You have practiced light contact with your ex. That has delayed your healing process. regards
Author scobro Posted November 13, 2005 Author Posted November 13, 2005 they just are oblivious and in their own denial. She really just as DR.Phil would say"doesn't get it" she really is oblivious to the fact that she is causing me pain and hurt by showing up at the gym when I am there.She is waving and smiling as a way so she doesn't feel guilty if I wave back.It truly is all about her in her head she needs me to wave back and smile so she can not feel guilty about how cruel she was to me during our separation.To her its all about how she feels and how she looks in other peoples eyes.
In Sync Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 IS yes I remember. But do you remember when you contacted the ex about your Mother? Yes THAT contact set you back although you probably don't agree. Any contact with these people is a setback. Any. You have practiced light contact with your ex. That has delayed your healing process. Double ouch!!! I actually thought I could slip that one by... Should have realized nothing gets past your radar, bendit. And yeah I did notice the feelings of my loss seemed to increase more. I looked for compassion and really was reminded how I got no more than I could get from him. Yeah, I won't disagree with you on this one either. I'm a case example that contact with someone so toxic doesn't lead to anything but more disappointment. I guess when I did that I was hoping that there was a seed a grain of hope? That he could be touched and show empathy. I understand, by doing this I was beating my head against a wall.
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