way_lander Posted December 31, 2023 Share Posted December 31, 2023 We were entangled in a on off relationship for a couple of years. We were very close for 10 years. And developed romantic feelings last 2 years, but never really got together coz of circumstances. It was a very emotional period coz of our issues. But she was always there to support, and I was also trying to be there for her. We're Co workers and the last 10 years we were really close. But she recently met a guy, just 2 months ago. There wasn't any change in her til about 1 week ago when she told me she had feelings for him. Before that we were still expressing affection for each other and supporting each other. But just overnight last week, she suddenly changed her whole demeanour. Cut contact from last week Monday. I asked her out to talk yesterday and she was so cold. Cold to the point I sense she was a little pissed that I'm getting in the way of her new budding relationship. Zero feelings left suddenly. From concern and affection, to overnight cold and heartless. Why? I can't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 (edited) 17 minutes ago, way_lander said: We're Co workers and the last 10 years we were really close. she recently met a guy, just 2 months ago. .1 week ago when she told me she had feelings for him. I sense she was a little pissed that I'm getting in the way of her new budding relationship. Sorry this is happening. She informed you she is focused on her new relationship and that makes sense for her. Do you still work together? All you can do is respect her boundaries and be polite and professional at work. Is this the same coworker? Edited January 1 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author way_lander Posted January 1 Author Share Posted January 1 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. She informed you she is focused on her new relationship and that makes sense for her. Do you still work together? All you can do is respect her boundaries and be polite and professional at work. Is this the same coworker? It is the same. I acknowledge that I have hurt her deeply with my actions. But we were still very close despite all that. There were periods where she was angry with me. But never like this. Now she just doesn't care anymore. I tried to talk to her to win her back permanently, but I guess it's too late. She wasn't interested. But even so, how is it she can turn cold and impatient with me so fast? To have feelings for another I can understand. To totally be able to drop one overnight, to the point of being an annoyance, I can't understand. I haven't been a good person in relationships, but I'm really hurting. I feel like I want to tell her off for her actions, but I guess to her it'll just be words coming from a person of no importance, just an annoyance. A few weeks ago I was a source of comfort, my words held so much weight. Now it's just wind. Help me understand and help me stop thinking please. I need help. I haven't slept at all and I get so many flashbacks whenever I close my eyes, and I'm so tired. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 Surely you know that when you are fooling around with somebody and one of you meets someone and it gets serious, that the playing around is now over. Immediately. Dude ... you had TEN YEARS to make something with this woman and all you did was mess around. Man up, step aside, and let her find happiness with this person who evidently is offering her what she feels she needs and deserves. It doesn't sound like she ever had anything solid with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author way_lander Posted January 1 Author Share Posted January 1 5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Surely you know that when you are fooling around with somebody and one of you meets someone and it gets serious, that the playing around is now over. Immediately. Dude ... you had TEN YEARS to make something with this woman and all you did was mess around. Man up, step aside, and let her find happiness with this person who evidently is offering her what she feels she needs and deserves. It doesn't sound like she ever had anything solid with you. I know I messed up. And I know I missed the boat. My head is filled with what ifs now and I can't bear the thought of work without her in the team anymore. Every situation, every corner brings up memories and flashbacks, and the pain of how that all is inconsequential to her now. But I beg you all to stop chastising me for awhile please, and help me get through this.. I only realised how much i love her now and it's too late.. I know I messed up really bad, but help me please I'm gg crazy. Is there still any chance with her? Or if not how can I stop these negative thoughts and flashbacks and what ifs in my head? I can't sleep, can't concentrate at work. I can't lead and motivate my team and I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack multiple times in a day. I will seek help from a therapist but I doubt it helps much besides someone to talk to. I literally have no one who understands this around me. How can I get through this? How long will I need? She works on the same floor as me and the new guy is in her same office. Good thing is I won't see them in my office but I am scared to go to the restrooms, to the pantry, or even to the lift lobby. I can't even bear the sight of her car in the office parking space. Help please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author way_lander Posted January 1 Author Share Posted January 1 Every idle moment that I have some memory will come back. Even when I'm working, something will trigger and my mind will drift to the good times we had, or even just normal work times memory. I am going crazy... how does she erase all these over a week? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 1 hour ago, way_lander said: when I'm working, something will trigger and my mind will drift to the good times we had, . how does she erase all these over a week? Please try to focus on a professional work environment and dating outside of work. This coworker moved on months ago. It's up to you to fulfill your social life, emotional and romantic needs, make friends and date outside of work. Perhaps this event will inspire you to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 9 hours ago, way_lander said: But even so, how is it she can turn cold and impatient with me so fast? To have feelings for another I can understand. To totally be able to drop one overnight, to the point of being an annoyance, I can't understand. I haven't been a good person in relationships, but I'm really hurting. I feel like I want to tell her off for her actions, but I guess to her it'll just be words coming from a person of no importance, just an annoyance. Back in my dating days I could do the light switch on/off thing. It’s origins are of having a epiphany, realising that the situation (for whatever reason) isn’t working for me. It feels like an instant release of angst, history and tension and a whole fresh start. And you’re absolutely right that telling her off will just be words coming from the past. And in all honesty if you did so, it would likely reinforce that she made the right decision. As for what your’re feeling, it is simply consequence for past choices. I’ve made bad choices in the past and the feeling which goes with suffering consequences can be really unpleasant. I could be off my food for days, with high heart rate and insomnia and hyper focused on what I did. It’s all a very normal reaction. On the positive, when you come out the other side, if we learn from it, we become a better person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 She has a new beau. People in new relationships tend to neglect their friends in favor of that new person because falling in love is exciting & time consuming. As an opposite sex friend with whom she had a complicated relationship, your presence in her life is detrimental to her budding romance. Imagine you met a new woman & that woman told you she has this "friend" who she casually messed around with for 10 years, as the new BF, are you going to want that guy around? Hell no. Plus, what you are experiencing happens: now that somebody else wants her & you realize you are about to lose her you now want to get serious because you finally figured out you "love" her. Of course you have to go because you are toxic toward her new romance. You're jealous but if you ever cared about her, you have to let go. It's not fair for you to play with her emotions like this. Life is not a rom-com where situations like this work out for you, the indecisive non-committal guy who finally woke up. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 The following is not "chastisement." Just reality as I have gathered it from your posts. I don't get the impression that you really care about this woman or that you cared for you ex either. You don't talk about your feelings for or about the women. It's about how they make YOU feel about YOURSELF. She's so cold, she acts like you are "inconsequential," she's impatient with you etc. Her entire role as I understand if from your posts has always been to behave in ways that soothed you, boosted your ego and provided good feelings. You won't ever be "happy" with any woman or in a relationship as long as you just see the other person / people as a mirror that is in place to reflect back to you the way you desperately want to see yourself. You seem to treat the objects of your affection like a drug. Of course we are all looking to feel good things when we are in a relationship but our sense of self is not supposed to hinge on that, and the other person is not meant to exist in our lives to provide that. Yes, you probably can look into this whole dynamic with therapy and hopefully learn how to change your approach to relationships with women. In the meanwhile: You still do exist, your ego and what lies beneath that are still there whether you have a woman bolstering it or not. It sounds like you are good at your job so throw yourself into that for the time being, as well as any outside interests / hobbies / friends you have. That's standard advice for anyone going through a painful breakup. Sounds cliché but that's the way it is ... you need to go through it to get to the other side. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 12 hours ago, way_lander said: I will seek help from a therapist but I doubt it helps much besides someone to talk to. You have no idea if this will be true for you. Give therapy a real and fair shot. Your reaction to this situation indicates it's really time for it. This woman is gone and has moved on from you, but you can (and should) get yourself in order so one day you can have a healthy relationship with someone. It appears this might be the wake-up call you desperately needed to start treating people better and not just think of your own needs and desires. 12 hours ago, way_lander said: Is there still any chance with her? No, there isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 Because she has a boyfriend. And because you're a bit of an arse. She was there for you for 2 years, she was there for a friend for 10 years, and then just as she's found somebody who she likes as more than a friend, suddenly you want to talk to her again. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 She's letting you know that her new relationship is her priority now. It's not about her being "cold", she is just ending the pseudo relationship she had with you that wasn't going anywhere. She's done with it. No, there isn't a chance you could get her back. Work on yourself and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts