Is it possible to ever trust in your partner after being lied to?

[JabbaTheFunk]

So my girlfriend and I have been in contact for about 2.5 to 3 years.. we made our relationship official in January 2023, which means we're coming up on our 1 year.

During the course of our relationship we have had what I've been led to believe are cultural struggles as I am a white man, and she is of asian decent.. 

She has her own home and has been taking care of one of her elder relatives for almost a decade, which I can appreciate because I am also very family oriented and would do the same.. however, this relative has manipulated and damaged her and her confidence about any decision making she does for her and her children.

Since the beginning I have never been able to surprise her with visits or flowers or a coffee because she consistently gets backlash from the relative when I come around.

I've never been able to plan or be spontaneous with dates with her, which is bothering me because I've always been spontaneous, but also very punctual.

My only option and opportunities to see her have been at her discretion.. and when I am unable to commit to what she plans (due to her plans being weeks, and sometimes months apart) that she springs on me the day before, then it gets turned on me as if I don't make time for her.

 

My last relationship of 6 years ended with me being cheated on, so in this relationship, as difficult as it can be sometimes.. I've made a point of not assuming the worst, and I have gone against my own comfort level in order to allow her the freedom and trust she deserves.

So with that came club events that I'm not into but I had faith and trust in her that she was going with a girlfriend and that I don't have anything to worry about.. even if I do worry, I chose not to project it and show those insecurities because she had never given me a reason to not have that trust

Well recently I've been seeing a guy liking and commenting on every single posts she makes, I couldn't help but click his profile to see who this guy was.. it turns out he lives in the vicinity of the "event" 

Again I didn't jump to something being wring with that immediately.. but I did dig a little deeper.. I find that she's guy is a music artist and literally wrote a love song about my girlfriend that released 12/24 (the song was her first name - (I'll see you again) and very clear in the lyrics that it was a love song

So I asked her why is this guy writing a song about you and I got an answer I wouldn't normally just believe and try to move on from

"I haven't seen or spoken to him in years, it must just be a crush and I thought it would fade" and "I didn't even listen to his music because I though it was weird".. at first I just thought yeah this guy's whack because I have no reason to think she'd lie at least I wasn't convinced she would yet

Still, I have insecurities and I could feel anxiety starting to grow.. questioning things and creating storylines in my head.. in the end I couldn't resist.. I messaged the "artist" I asked him directly "why are you writing love songs about my girlfriend" he played dumb for a minute until I said.. it's the only song named after a girl and she's the only girl with that name following you.. I also say you don't speak to her or see her, don't you think it's strange to write a song like that.

He responds with her and I have known eachother a long time, talk all the time, and met recently at a certain location.. I said okay, when was the last time you actually saw her.. he responded with a date somewhere in the last week or two, and was very specific about where it was and who she was with..

I then asked okay was the meeting a coincidence or was it planned? And his response was it was planned.. which makes sense considering he lives 45 mins away

Remember she said it's been years since they've talked or seen eachother.. do I trust her.. do I trust him? I don't know anything about him either so what if he's just stirring the pot to give himself a shot..

Bottom line I've really grown to love this girl, but I made a promise to myself when I left my last relationship that I deserve better than dishonestly or manipulation

I've confronted her through messages and she reads them but hasn't given response..

I don't know what I should or could do.. like is it possible to ever trust her again? Is it a waste of time trying to trust her?

 

There are so many things that are different in this relationship from culture, exposure, freedom.. that I don't know what's normal or acceptable anymore

I need to speak to someone, I don't need to be convinced of one path or another.. I just need someone to speak logically to me

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JabbaTheFunk said:

She has her own home and has been taking care of one of her elder relatives for almost a decade,  she does for her and her children.

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? How old are her children? It's good you're aware of the cultural situation. And because of her relative and children, just popping in isn't a good idea.

As far as this music acquaintance of hers, she doesn't seem to want to be forthcoming about it but honestly, confronting this guy was a bit over the top. If you don't think you can trust her or her culture/lifestyle doesn't mesh well with your spontaneity, perhaps reflect if this is the right relationship for you. 

Edited December 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

The whole relationship seems fairly one sided:  Her timetable or nothing.  Now you have this other guy mixed in & some lies about her interactions with him.  I think it's time for a pros & cons list.  What are you getting out of this relationship?  Do you really want to continue?  Why? 

[Gaeta]

So, you were in a relationship that had you suffering and promised yourself that would not happen again, then you decide you will date (or try to date) someone who's tied up to her home and is manipulated by her sick family member, someone you can barely see in real and it's only on her terms. Explain to me how is that making a better choice for yourself? You're still suffering but a different way. 

Listen, she does not have to tell you every little details of her life. So some dude made a song with her name in it, artists go pick in their past to inspire themselves it doesn't mean they still have active feelings for the person. I can name you a dozen songs that were written for ex-gf : Roxanne, Jolene, Sweet Caroline, Amanda. And the way you word this it's like she did not even go meet him on her own, she was with someone else. Here is a thought, maybe she did not tell you because you have a tendency to not trust? or you see something bad everywhere?

Contacting him and interrogating him the way you did falls in the *creepy* category. You have something to solve within yourself. 

Edited December 29, 2023 by Gaeta

[JabbaTheFunk]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So, you were in a relationship that had you suffering and promised yourself that would not happen again, then you decide you will date (or try to date) someone who's tied up to her home and is manipulated by her sick family member, someone you can barely see in real and it's only on her terms. Explain to me how is that making a better choice for yourself? You're still suffering but a different way. 

Listen, she does not have to tell you every little details of her life. So some dude made a song with her name in it, artists go pick in their past to inspire themselves it doesn't mean they still have active feelings for the person. I can name you a dozen songs that were written for ex-gf : Roxanne, Jolene, Sweet Caroline, Amanda. And the way you word this it's like she did not even go meet him on her own, she was with someone else. Here is a thought, maybe she did not tell you because you have a tendency to not trust? or you see something bad everywhere?

Contacting him and interrogating him the way you did falls in the *creepy* category. You have something to solve within yourself. 

To be fair I have constantly been told that she will do this and that in order to bring me over.. and then she backs out 95% of the time because she fears confrontation with the elder relative.. meanwhile she constantly tells me she sick of it and being treated that way by him..

Maybe I do have a trust issue, but I never allowed it to come out until I saw this character liking every post on all platforms.. and the extent of it would have been me clicking his profile.. but in the profile caption as soon as I clicked.. there sat my gfs name (see you again).. 

If it's creepy to ask someone why they wrote a love song about your girl, I guess I'm a creep.. and as for interrogating.. I only said you don't talk or speak to her, it's odd to write a song about her.. 

To which he said he does talk to her and that they met up a week ago and that they arranged it.

But you're right I'll reflect on myself and see if I'm digging to deep.. maybe I'm broken from the last person I trusted..

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, JabbaTheFunk said:

. maybe I'm broken from the last person I trusted..

It seems like you have insight into the fact that your last relationship is influencing you. Especially the extent of researching this acquaintance in lieu of clear honest communication with your GF.

As far as your GF,  her living situation, while perhaps culturally traditional for her seems to be incompatible with your lifestyle.  Especially your habit of just dropping by unannounced. 

Edited December 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

You have to separate past experiences from your current relationship. First things first. But, I can see how that is a bit difficult to do when you're girlfriend has not been forthcoming with you about these possible visits. So, this goes both ways: she feels like you're not committing the time, and you feel like she's seeing this guy. You are correct in wondering if she's being honest with you. My advice, here, is to put the question to her in a different way. Ask her to tell you what this relationship with this guy means.