I Stayed Because He Had Cancer But…

[Bee03]

My husband and I have been together for 23 years, but have only been officially married for just under five. We have 2 sons together, ages 15 & 6. We married in 2019, after the sudden loss of my mother in 2018. Her death made us realize how much we loved each other, or at least that’s what I thought. 
Shortly after our marriage, within the first six months, I found out my husband was having an affair with his male “friend”! I was devastated, he had NEVER shown any signs of infidelity or even dishonesty for that matter! He had been known as the guy all the other females in my life wanted because he was “so loyal for so long”. I was absolutely crushed, shocked, confused, heartbroken, angry, I could go on and on. I NEVER imagined cheating and on top of it with a man!

He never, ever gave any indication he was gay or bisexual. He actually made it seem as if it was very wrong because of his Biblical Beliefs! I had no idea what to do. Looking back I now realize how manipulative he was. He even made me feel as though I was the reason because he felt lonely. Meanwhile I was working a stressful job as a Respiratory Therapist at a major trauma center, raising our children, grieving my mother and Planning our nuptials!

I struggled with staying, finding it hard to believe that he wasn’t into men and he was just “experimenting” as he said. I believed we had to at least try to make it work. Shortly after COVID hit and being a Respiratory Therapist my entire being was rocked to its core and I had very little time to overthink what he was doing, if he was keeping the vows he made. He made them however, while having an affair and continued on with the affair after he said I do, so my expectations were low. I, just as all healthcare workers, was emotionally and physically exhausted. I went to work everyday without any comfort, concern or even acknowledgment from my husband.

I cried constantly, he cheated, I worked and tried my best to raise our sons. He seemed preoccupied, but it became a huge fight when I inquired. I realized I couldn’t fight a war at work and at home, I mentally couldn’t take it.

After the pandemic I decided we needed counseling, I had offered before he adamantly declined. He again refused and convinced me I needed to go because I was pushing him away from my depression. I was extremely sad I had just watch literally hundreds of people die in just a short time, several people I knew, that alone would cause depression in most. I also had learned that my soulmate was not at all the person I believed he was. I went to counseling, it helped. I decided to take a trip alone for 2 days, after he became physical and I had him arrested. He was required to wear an ankle monitor and to stay away from our home and children as he had been verbally abusive and even took a sledgehammer to our house in front of them! He had to get help, his mental state had completely changed. I had NEVER so much as spoken to another man in 20+ years, yet he was mad at me. I refused to look the other way! I wasn’t sharing my husband!

2 weeks later he noticed several bumps on his hand and went to a doc that gave him cream for eczema. The bumps continue and within 3 weeks he was completely covered in nodules. He had a rare form of cancer and doctors were working to figure out what. In the meantime he was very ill and begging to come home. He had been sleeping in cheap hotels and me being a caregiver and loving this man for over 2 decades I couldn’t turn my back. I pulled some strings through family and was able to get the prosecutor to drop the charges. He came home and it was found that he had a rare form Leukemia that had spread to every organ but his lungs. He was not given long to live. Less than 6 months we were told. He had some mutations with the leukemia and it we were told it was very hard to treat.

During that time my husband could be more sorry for what he had done. I simply told him none of it mattered and we needed to find a way to get him well. I found a hematologist oncologist to help he had a regime developed in Europe and that my husband could be a candidate. He was able to start treatment and ultimately, by the grace of God and the healing hands that treated him he survived and is now in remission!

He has now decided he doesn’t love me and never can. This is exactly what he said before he was sick! I told him when he became ill, nothing changed regarding him feelings towards me, he just now had cancer. He promised and assured me every time I asked he would never do that to me and the boys. We have just been through literal hell, the boys and I have prepared for him to die, to live, to love, to leave it’s beyond hurtful. We deserve so much more. He can’t go back to work for several months and has nowhere to go. The house was purchased before we got married, he is not on the mortgage, he won’t leave, we don’t speak, I can’t live this way one more second! HELP ADVICE ANYTHING THANK YOU

Edited December 29, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

I'm not sure what to say.  Divorce is the obvious answer, but why haven't you started the process?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Bee03 said:

The house was purchased before we got married, he is not on the mortgage, he won’t leave, we don’t speak, 

Sorry this is happening. Please protect your children and reinstate the restraining order. The police will remove him from your house and he can get help at the hospital where he receives cancer care. 

He can get into a hospice and has plenty of options through hospital and social work programs.

Please get yourself tested for STDs and please take better care of yourself and your physical and mental health and the wellbeing of your children. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please protect your children and reinstate the restraining order. The police will remove him from your house and he can get help at the hospital where he receives cancer care. 

^This, do the above as soon as possible. Now you have to let him go and depend on himself. You and your kids can no longer be responsible for him.  Get an attorney to advise you how to move forward with a divorce.  My aunt was married to a man who slipped around having sex with men.  She wouldn't leave him until one day her little girl came home from school with her little friend and they both saw 2 grown men having sex in the living room.  That really messed my little cousin up and drove my aunt to divorce him finally.  

[Bee03]

He is cancer free now, they call him a miracle. Everyone talks about how strong he is and I want to scream!

[basil67]

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Bee03 said:

He is cancer free now, they call him a miracle. Everyone talks about how strong he is and I want to scream!

If "He was required to wear an ankle monitor and to stay away from our home and children as he had been verbally abusive and even took a sledgehammer to our house in front of them".  You need to get him out of the house away from the children ASAP.  Your children's safety comes first. 

Edited December 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Bee03]

Yes I have we need to come up with an agreement so we can get a dissolution of marriage and he is not being reasonable. I have completely maxed out my credit and finances are very slim. I won’t be able to get anything from him because he has nothing. I need a divorce as quickly and least expensive as possible. I just don’t know how to make it happen.

[Bee03]

And yes he was out of the home last year in Dec 2022, I was filing for divorce and had a restraining order. When he became sick, doctors said he had 5-6weeks to live and I caved. I contacted the prosecutor and explained it all. I believed the cancer had gone to his brain and was causing most of his behavior, I was wrong and know that now.

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, Bee03 said:

When he became sick, doctors said he had 5-6weeks to live and I caved. I contacted the prosecutor and explained it all. I believed the cancer had gone to his brain and was causing most of his behavior, I was wrong and know that now.

Hang on, earlier in the thread you said you had charges dropped by pulling strings through family.  Now you're saying that the prosecutor dropped the case because you told him "you believed" that the cancer caused his behaviour.   Apparently with no medical reports whatsoever

I'm not buying it....

[Lotsgoingon]

Get to a therapist who can help you think. Right now, you can't think, so none of our advice in detail would likely work. 

You can't trust someone's love confession when they think they are dying. A relative of mine professed love for a woman I knew for a fact he didn't want to marry--I've heard him complaining about her for years! But when he got really sick, suddenly he proposed to her and apologized. He was just terrified. Terror does not make for good decisions. She understood he wasn't in his right mind, so his ex gf told my relative that they would revisit things later. But in not long my relative was dying. 

I'm not sure what you are thinking. This guy cannot be loyal or faithful to you. He's interested in men. The marriage is over

END OF STORY.

Doesn't matter if he has the plague or the flu, he's not able to be a full marriage partner to you. Another tip: come on out! Time for you to tell EVERYONE about what's happening. You need maximum support and maximum and maximum help with thinking. Keeping secrets at this time is only shooting yourself in the foot, actually denying yourself basic oxygen. This is not time for shame or embarrassment.

Get to a therapist and get to a divorce lawyer (they often have free intro consults). 

 

 

[Bee03]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hang on, earlier in the thread you said you had charges dropped by pulling strings through family.  Now you're saying that the prosecutor dropped the case because you told him "you believed" that the cancer caused his behaviour.   Apparently with no medical reports whatsoever

I'm not buying it....

Okay well don’t “buy it”. I have a family member that works in the prosecutors office and he was able to help me, I did speak to the prosecutor and did tell her that! I thought this was a forum I could seek advice but everyone seems judgy forget this.

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, Bee03 said:

I have a family member that works in the prosecutors office and he was able to help me,

Is there anyway you can get that family member to help and advise you again?

 

12 hours ago, Bee03 said:

Yes I have we need to come up with an agreement so we can get a dissolution of marriage and he is not being reasonable.

You do not need his permission to divorce him.  You can get a free settlement agreement online, google it.   Even though he no longer loves you, I'm sure he still loves his boys and will want visitation rights.  He needs to return to work now that his "cancer miracle" has taken place asap.