I've been selfish & I think it's too late

[Jtomzs]

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, it has been very toxic. But I think it’s down to miscommunication and my lack of understanding. In both parts. I got to the point where I’ve bought a house and I said I’m leaving the relationship. We’ve had so much resentment between us. On both parts. But now I’m almost out the door I’ve had a realisation. Although a lot of my actions and lack of empathy have been through resentment. I’ve been very very selfish in our relationship. I’ve not put him first, I thought he was being over emotional, I’ve not listened, I’ve acted out, I’ve dismissed him and now I’ve realised all this. I don’t want to end our relationship. I want to work on it I want to fix us together. But I think it’s too late. He has so much built up resentment towards me. I’m hurting badly and I don’t think he can forgive me. I don’t think he’s going to work on it. He said he feels relief and it’s killed me. I’ve been crying for weeks about moving out and starting a fresh because I did want it to be him. And now I think I’ve totally [ruined] it. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t think straight I’m just constantly crying. I’m begging him back but I think he’s done. I’ve pushed things too far. He’s not been the best in the relationship either. But I’ve certainly not helped situations and I haven’t been there for him as I should of been.  Has anyone success stories? Advice? Anything? I’m a mess. 

Edited December 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Jtomzs]

We’ve both never cheated or anything like that. It’s just the way we’ve both treated each other. 

[d0nnivain]

Talk to him about these revelations you have had.  See if you can both take action to fix things.  Just because you are now willing to do the work, doesn't mean he is.  

Good luck 

[Jtomzs]

I have. Waiting for him to talk things through again. And I don’t think he is willing to put the work in now I think there’s too much damage  - thank you! 

[ShyViolet]

If he does not want to save the relationship, he says that he feels relief that it's ending, then there is nothing you can do.  Stop hanging on to this false hope of reconciling with him.  If he's not interested then you can't make him interested.  You need to move on.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jtomzs said:

 I’ve bought a house and I said I’m leaving the relationship. But I think it’s too late. He has so much built up resentment towards me. 

Please trust your instincts. You made the right decision buying your own place and getting yourself and your son to safety.  Is this the same man?

 

[Alpacalia]

I think you need to trust your instincts on this one. Based on what you've said, it sounds like the relationship has been toxic for a while now and both of you have a lot of resentment built up. I know you've said that you don't want to give up and that you want to work on it, but resentment is a silent killer in relationships. It's very hard to come back from that, especially when it's built up over a long period of time.

You're negotiating now because the reality of the situation has finally hit you and you're scared of what it means to leave this relationship which has been so emotionally and mentally draining. You're feeling vulnerable - scared of being alone, of being single again, of dealing with all the issues and problems in this relationship because right now you only know how to interact in this hurtful way, to feel hurt and angry but also the relief that it's all finally over. Relief that finally someone else is telling you they don't want you, because you were too afraid to listen to your own feelings.

Edited December 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

Since you have a child who I assume lives with you and this boyfriend at least part of the time,  you really need to consider how being in the midst of a relationship that you define as "toxic" is going to affect him long term.

Even if you and the guy decide to give it another try and work on it, is this a good situation for your son?