First time posting here. I have a date in the next couple of days.

[Prudence Jane]

33F Straight Black woman writing.

I don’t even know how to begin this post. I'll try to be brief. 

I’ll just say that I’ve been single my entire life, and all of my dating experiences have been nothing but fulfilling, at best, extremely disappointing. 

As I grew older, I took a part of the blame for those failures, I realized and learned that I often did not go towards men who were the best for me. 

I also am neurodivergent, so I realized that very often, it was difficult for me to pick up cues when a man expressed genuine interest in me, and since I did not understand that he wanted to get to know me more, then he’d just give up thinking I’m uninterested which has not necessarily been the case. But unfortunately, I only realize that they were interested too long after the fact, in retrospect. And it’s often too late (years later) when I realize that, so I can’t fix any of those situations. Which leaves me with a lot of shame and frustration towards myself. It makes me feel like I've failed in my romantic life and I can't fix it no matter what I say or do. 

That being said, and despite the fact that I’m currently in therapy and have been for awhile, I still can’t find what I’m looking for and to be honest, as I am growing older, I start to feel extremely defeated. I don't know if I want kids, and if I do, it would be much later because I am not ready now. But I do want to be in an interesting, long-lasting and fufilling relationship with a man even if it does not last forever. I just wish I had one positive experience to look back to. 

I also can’t count the number of times I had men who expressed interest in me, but did not want to date me because of the color of my skin. I know they are a**h***s, but it still hurts regardless.

I also know it’s difficult for me to find someone because I do have standards. I’m an academic, but I don’t necessarily want to be with another academic, but I do want to be with someone that I can have interesting conversations with, and who's emotionally smart, that we can learn from one another. 

During the pandemic, I paid for the services of a professional matchmaking agency that is very reputable where I live. I see this as my last resort. I literally tried everything before that.

I said to myself that if people pay for these services, it is because they are serious about their wish to be in a committed relationship because it is quite pricey. Over the last three years, I met with multiple men, but none of them were a good match to me. I either was not interested or they were not interested or we were both not interested.

I got a call this week, and I am going to meet the fourth and final match after the Holidays, because he has accepted to meet me. I'm already considering potentially renewing the services with the agency, because I see no other way. 

I am trying to be optimistic, but to be honest, it’s extremely hard. I have nothing but negative memories to look back and no matter how hard I try to work on myself, there always seems to be something that gets into the way of being a relationship with a man.

I am often being told by complete strangers, people and friends how attractive I am, but I am becoming doubtful of that being even true because I can't find a man and have never been able to. I've had a lot of people who wasted my time, too. 

Thank you for reading me, and I apologize for the length of this post.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Prudence Jane said:

I got a call this week, and I am going to meet the fourth and final match after the Holidays, because he has accepted to meet me. I'm already considering potentially renewing the services with the agency, because I see no other way. 

It's great you have a date lined up and are willing to try various avenues to meeting people, such a matchmaker. 

Maybe this won't be the one, but that's ok,not everyone is our match. Most importantly be yourself and have fun. 

[Prudence Jane]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you have a date lined up and are willing to try various avenues to meeting people, such a matchmaker. 

Maybe this won't be the one, but that's ok,not everyone is our match. Most importantly be yourself and have fun. 

Thank you for your reply. To be honest, my hopes aren't very high, sometimes I feel like someone has casted a spell on me. I'll be myself as I've always been and I will have fun, but it never leads to anything interesting romantically speaking usually, so my hopes are quite low.

I've always been a get-goer, someone who tries different things to find solutions to problems. But here, because it depends on the will of two people, I can't "force" someone to be with me or to be interested in me, that is entirely out of my control. There's nothing I can do if a man rejects me because I'm Black, or because I'm supposedly too accomplished, etc, etc, etc. But to be honest, it is starting to make me very frustrated. I wish people did not care as much about what others think and would be more confident. 

The few people who have known me since childhood do not know what to tell me anymore. It's literally been 20+ years that I complain about being single and not being able to have romantic relationships with men. I was hopeful when I was younger, even though it saddened me already at the time.

I focused on my career for most of my life and have been quite successful at that. But to be honest, I don't feel completely whole. I don't want my life to revolve only about work.

Intimacy and profound connection with others is a great chunk of what I need to be happy in life, and for some reason, I am uncapable of finding that.

I don't even know if what I want exists.

It feels like looking for a needle in a haystack and I'm losing hope. 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Prudence Jane

[Alpacalia]

Have people mentioned the reason they aren't interested is because you're 'black' and 'accomplished'?

Because I'm curious what you're basing that on and if it's real people who've said it and not a perception that you have about yourself and not necessarily about what other people are actually seeing. If you're unable to have a romantic relationship with men, if you feel that there is a pattern here about how things go and that it's not a series of men just not being able to look past your skin colour then that's something that might be a sign of the problem; not being able to have what we want is way different than people judging because you're undesirable, and, it might be a simple matter of effective attraction signals or showing interest back. 

Would making that assumption help you in the future, to do things differently or do you think you have to detail those reasons? Usually when we aren't able to connect emotionally and form lasting relationships, it is because of something we either consciously or subconsciously are doing, or overlooking. Being Black and being accomplished, are both great things, and you should be proud of them.

That being said, being Black comes with its own set of challenges in society, and some people are unfortunately not open-minded to interracial relationships, no matter how accomplished you are. And being highly educated or successful, may intimidate some men, regardless of race, and make them feel insecure or not good enough for you. But at the end of the day, people who truly appreciate and care for you will not be bothered by your skin color or your accomplishments. So, it's important to weed out those who cannot see beyond those things, and focus on finding the right person who is genuinely interested in getting to know you as a person.

Have you tried branching out and dating outside of your usual social circles? Have you tried dating apps or websites specifically for professionals and academics? Finding someone who shares your interests and values, regardless of their profession, can be a good start. Don't lose hope and try not to let any past negative experiences or rejections affect how you view yourself as a person and potential partner.

Keep an open mind, maintain your standards, and most importantly, be you and let the right person come to you.

Edited December 25, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Prudence Jane said:

There's nothing I can do if a man rejects me because I'm Black, or because I'm supposedly too accomplished, etc, etc, etc. But to be honest, it is starting to make me very frustrated. I wish people did not care as much about what others think and would be more confident. 

Are non Black men the only men you wish to date?  Do any Black guys ask you out?

[Prudence Jane]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Are non Black men the only men you wish to date?  Do any Black guys ask you out?

Hello, thank you for your reply @stillafool. Yes, I'm open to dating men of all races, I don't have restrictions when it comes to that. Yes, I did have dating experiences with some Black men but none of them ended up in something interesting nor meaningful. 

[Prudence Jane]

12 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Have people mentioned the reason they aren't interested is because you're 'black' and 'accomplished'?

Because I'm curious what you're basing that on and if it's real people who've said it and not a perception that you have about yourself and not necessarily about what other people are actually seeing. If you're unable to have a romantic relationship with men, if you feel that there is a pattern here about how things go and that it's not a series of men just not being able to look past your skin colour then that's something that might be a sign of the problem; not being able to have what we want is way different than people judging because you're undesirable, and, it might be a simple matter of effective attraction signals or showing interest back. 

Would making that assumption help you in the future, to do things differently or do you think you have to detail those reasons? Usually when we aren't able to connect emotionally and form lasting relationships, it is because of something we either consciously or subconsciously are doing, or overlooking. Being Black and being accomplished, are both great things, and you should be proud of them.

That being said, being Black comes with its own set of challenges in society, and some people are unfortunately not open-minded to interracial relationships, no matter how accomplished you are. And being highly educated or successful, may intimidate some men, regardless of race, and make them feel insecure or not good enough for you. But at the end of the day, people who truly appreciate and care for you will not be bothered by your skin color or your accomplishments. So, it's important to weed out those who cannot see beyond those things, and focus on finding the right person who is genuinely interested in getting to know you as a person.

Have you tried branching out and dating outside of your usual social circles? Have you tried dating apps or websites specifically for professionals and academics? Finding someone who shares your interests and values, regardless of their profession, can be a good start. Don't lose hope and try not to let any past negative experiences or rejections affect how you view yourself as a person and potential partner.

Keep an open mind, maintain your standards, and most importantly, be you and let the right person come to you.

Yes, I've been explicitly told quite a few times that the color of my skin was an hinderance to them, although they thought I was pretty/attractive. (Yeah, they are a**h***s...)

And I've had quite a few people, especially other women, tell me that if they were a man, they would never approach me because they'd be way too intimidated to approach an accomplished young woman like me.

I don't plan on changing who I am, but it does limit my options.

I did work on myself also as mentioned above, all of the blame is not 100% society or others. But I'm still struggling regardless. 

To be clear, I actually prefer dating someone outside of my social/work circles. If I do end up with someone within my circle, I won't walk away, but it's truly not the first place where I want to meet a man. I find that when people date within the same circles, especially in work circles, it always comes with a lot of issues/dynamics that are not always fun. I don't want to mix work and my personal life in other words.

But if people do not know me, they might assume that I'm looking for someone who's exactly like me, which is not the case. I just want someone emotionally intelligent and aware, I sincerely don't care about their career and even less about how much many they're making. 

And yes, when I said I tried everything, I truly tried everything (speed dating, volunteering, dating apps - I think I tried almost all the dating apps that exist now), etc. I am also not especially shy. I'm not the loudest person in a room, but when I have zero issues having conversations with strangers or acquaintances, I actually appreciate those. 

The matchmaking agency is truly my last resort. 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Prudence Jane

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, Prudence Jane said:

Yes, I've been explicitly told quite a few times that the color of my skin was an hinderance to them, although they thought I was pretty/attractive. (Yeah, they are a**h***s...)

And I've had quite a few people, especially other women, tell me that if they were a man, they would never approach me because they'd be way too intimidated to approach an accomplished young woman like me.

I don't plan on changing who I am, but it does limit my options.

I did work on myself also as mentioned above, all of the blame is not 100% society or others. But I'm still struggling regardless. 

To be clear, I actually prefer dating someone outside of my social/work circles. If I do end up with someone within my circle, I won't walk away, but it's truly not the first place where I want to meet a man. I find that when people date within the same circles, especially in work circles, it always comes with a lot of issues/dynamics that are not always fun. I don't want to mix work and my personal life in other words.

But if people do not know me, they might assume that I'm looking for someone who's exactly like me, which is not the case. I just want someone emotionally intelligent and aware, I sincerely don't care about their career and even less about how much many they're making. 

And yes, when I said I tried everything, I truly tried everything (speed dating, volunteering, dating apps - I think I tried almost all the dating apps that exist now), etc. I am also not especially shy. I'm not the loudest person in a room, but when I have zero issues having conversations with strangers or acquaintances, I actually appreciate those. 

The matchmaking agency is truly my last resort. 

Hey well maybe the matchmaker might work out for you then! I think that sounds like maybe a good place to start, especially since you have tried every angle and are also aware of yourself which counts for something.

I've read several comments that you've posted a bit about how men are intimidated by you and how people are envious of you. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, and in any case, that won't help. I'm not suggesting that you are not smart or beautiful (although having never seen you or even known your name, I could not make a judgement anyway). It's good when we receive feedback from third parties but we should take them with a grain of salt as you say... actually not too often.

You've mentioned that you're happy and content with yourself and don't want anyone who is like you. Then why would someone else want you if you don't want someone like yourself?

At the end of the day, it's a problem of 2 people that want to get to know one another. There are 8 billion people on this planet and the chances to have anything work out or to fit like a glove is small. There is a delicate threshold for picking a partner. Anyone can have chemistry. Finding the connection and compatibility can take quite a lot of searching.

I wish you the best of luck in finding that emotionally intelligent man who looks past skin color and is just as driven as yourself, that will make both of you happy!

[d0nnivain]

When I found myself single over the age of 35 I did something silly.  I wrote love letters to my future husband.  I certainly didn't know who he was.  I was writing to the man I wanted.  I was also actively dating. . . going to singles events, networking etc.  Eventually I met the man who is now my husband.  When I gave him those letters after we returned from our honeymoon we were both shocked at how accurate they were. 

You do need to date each one.  Write from the heart about how much you love him & how much fun you expect to have.  Then put them away.  Eventually the intended recipient will show up.  

[stillafool]

On 12/25/2023 at 11:54 AM, Prudence Jane said:

And I've had quite a few people, especially other women, tell me that if they were a man, they would never approach me because they'd be way too intimidated to approach an accomplished young woman like me.

How would these men even know you are an accomplished woman until they approach you and have a conversation to find that out?   Men typically approach women they have a physical attraction to before knowing anything further about them.

Edited December 26, 2023 by stillafool

[stillafool]

On 12/24/2023 at 8:17 PM, Prudence Jane said:

I also can’t count the number of times I had men who expressed interest in me, but did not want to date me because of the color of my skin. I know they are a**h***s, but it still hurts regardless.

As a black woman myself, I'm trying to understand how this^ works.  If a man expresses interest in you it would mean he's attracted and wants to get to know you.  So to be attracted and then to tell you they won't date you because of the color of your skin just doesn't make sense to me.  In my experience when a man is attracted to a woman he'll move mountains to get to know her.

[Prudence Jane]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How would these men even know you are an accomplished woman until they approach you and have a conversation to find that out?   Men typically approach women they have a physical attraction to before knowing anything further about them.

If they google me, they'll know. And in most cases, it is probable that they've heard about me before through other people. Whenever I introduce myself to someone (not necessarily romantically, but elsewhere as well), quite often, people already know who I am which surprises me everytime, but yeah. 

[Prudence Jane]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

As a black woman myself, I'm trying to understand how this^ works.  If a man expresses interest in you it would mean he's attracted and wants to get to know you.  So to be attracted and then to tell you they won't date you because of the color of your skin just doesn't make sense to me.  In my experience when a man is attracted to a woman he'll move mountains to get to know her.

Agreed. 

But people are legit scared of what others would think, which makes them a**h***s and cowards in my view. They hinder themselves of getting to know me more due to the color of my skin and what other people would think. 

But in any case, I don't want to be with men that are so fragile to be honest. They don't truly love me if they said something stupid like that, and if they do, it's their loss. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Prudence Jane said:

If they google me, they'll know. And in most cases, it is probable that they've heard about me before through other people. Whenever I introduce myself to someone (not necessarily romantically, but elsewhere as well), quite often, people already know who I am which surprises me everytime, but yeah. 

So they've googled you and expressed to you that they are attracted and they go on to say the color of your skin won't let them date you?  I've dated many, many men from other races when I was single and not one of them complained about the color of my skin.  They were attracted to it and me.  I would think since you are famous that would be more of a reason for them not to discriminate.

[MsJayne]

On 12/26/2023 at 2:54 AM, Prudence Jane said:

Yes, I've been explicitly told quite a few times that the color of my skin was an hinderance to them, although they thought I was pretty/attractive. (Yeah, they are a**h***s...)

I find this quite disturbing given that you have an academic background. Most educated people aren't racist, and though you say you date outside of your professional sphere and don't necessarily expect an intellectual equal, I'd assume you're not dating complete gronks, so where does this racist attitude towards you come from? If they have an issue with skin colour why would they romantically approach a coloured woman in the first place? In Australia, if a matchmaking agency put you in contact with someone who racially discriminated against you, that would be grounds for compensation. Do you live in a United Nations country or in a country which still accepts racism, (and I'm by no means saying racial discrimination doesn't exist in plentiful supply in UN countries, but it is against the law)? Are you a foreigner where you are or is it your country of birth? Sorry for all the questions, but I ask because your cultural surroundings could be relevant to your problem if people think it's OK to go around openly telling black people that their skin colour is a hindrance. Between this post and your other one you sound very lost, I'm glad you're having support from a therapist because it sounds like isolation's having a very negative effect on you. I know very little about neurodivergence, though I'm aware it can make social interaction difficult, so is your therapist helping you to work on that and do you feel you're making progress? 

[Lisa]

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