Is this behavior of my gf normal?

[leonfrat]

Hi, my girlfriend goes to sleep at 8/9 PM everyday and it's driving me crazy. She sleeps until 9AM. We have been together for 5 months now. The first 2/3 weeks of the relationship she was going to bed at 11/12PM. We see each other only on weekends because of my work. The weird thing is that we can not talk that much for the entire day and she still won't stay a bit longer to talk or when we talk and 9PM rolls around she goes to sleep, period. Is this behavior normal or is she texting someone else?

[basil67]

I feel a bit more background is required here:  If she sleeps until 9am, what work does she do and what are the hours?   Why do you think she's texting someone else?  Is the texting stimulating or have the two of you run out of things to say by the time she says goodnight?  What time do you start texting with her?  Would talking on the phone be more effective?

I would say that sleeping for 12hrs is not "normal", but perhaps she's not actually sleeping the whole time.  Could it be that she says goodnight to you and then uses that time to read or watch a TV series until she's wound down until she's ready for sleep?   

 

[leonfrat]

Right now she doesn't work. We usually text a little bit through the day. And more in the evening. Usually our conversations are normal and we tell each other about our day and crack w few jokes

[basil67]

How long are you texting with her of an evening?

[Alpacalia]

Quote

Is this behavior of my gf normal?

Why wouldn't it be? 🤔

Edited December 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, leonfrat said:

 The first 2/3 weeks of the relationship she was going to bed at 11/12PM. 

Apparently it's normal for her after the initial flurry of getting to know each other. 

[Els]

It sounds like you're expecting her to be texting you constantly from 5pm - 11pm everyday? That's really unhealthy, people need space to do other things. If you are staying over at her place she should be focusing on you, but if you're not there she should be able to do other things before bed without having to be tied to the phone.

[ShyViolet]

I'm confused.  What exactly is it that you want her to be doing after 9pm.  Talking on the phone with you?  Are you not able to talk to her earlier in the evening before she goes to bed?

How is it when you do hang out?

[Gaeta]

When l tell good night to my bf l don't necessarely turn off the light and go to sleep right away. I will read a bit or l'll watch a few episodes of my series....or l'll participate to this forum. 

After bf & l have told each other about our day and cracked a few jokes there is no need to keep each other hooked to the phone.

Relax.

What l find worrisome is that your head went right away to 'is she cheating'.

Edited December 24, 2023 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

Any chance she's depressed? Twelve hours of sleep signals depression, whether she is aware of it or not. Like, not mildly depressed, but moderately to severely so.

Did she take time to explain her sleep needs to you? If not, that's a major red flag. And why the heck haven’t you asked?! Did she come up with another solution for connecting with her if she goes to bed by 9? If not, that's a red flag.

And she's not working? That is usually a red flag, though some people might be wealthy and have money to take a break from working. Do you know how she supports herself?  So yes, tons of red flags here. One goal of relationships is to find someone whose life you like—this life sounds distance and shutdown.

Now to you: when are you gonna get some backbone and stop quietly suffering from this confusion and distance you feel? She was up to 11/12 for the first three weeks, you say. But for four months now, it’s been bed at 9 and you are just now seeing a possible problem? So what the heck took you so long to react here? You should thought seriously about dumping her at two months.

I bet there are other red flags as well--things she does that feel odd, ways she keeps secrets or distance. Let her get together with someone else who sleeps for 12 hours a day. You need to run--yesterday. Sounds like you have a high tolerance for pain and misery.

 

[d0nnivain]

She may have boundaries & not like to be on the phone all night.  Growing up way before cell phones my parents taught me it was rude to be on the phone after 9  pm or before 9 a.m.   

Her behavior is who she is. 

If she really is sleeping 12 hours per day that may be a medical problem.  

[Gaeta]

On 12/21/2023 at 6:35 PM, leonfrat said:

The first 2/3 weeks of the relationship she was going to bed at 11/12PM

The first 3 weeks of a relationship adrenaline is keeping us on our feet, you can't use that as a barometer.

I remember when my ex decided to take night courses on top of his day job l used to wait up for him, he'd get home at 23h. It lasted about 3 weeks, l got so tired from not getting my 8+ hours sleep that l could not concentrate at work and started making mistakes so l stopped waiting up. He did not view this as l must not love him.

Edited December 24, 2023 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

Gaeta, this woman isn't working, and she's sleeping from 9 at night til 9 in the morning. She's getting 12 hours--that's the kind of sleep high-level pro athletes try to get when they're working out at exhausting levels. 

You were working and were striving for 8 hours of sleep and taking care of yourself to perform well at work. 

And from what I can tell, she's not communicating what's going on with her body and mind to the OP, and the OP is being passive about finding out.

 That's why I'm guessing that she might be seriously depressed--which is fine as a human, but she needs to tell OP what's going on. And the OP needs to decide if he's comfortable with someone who spends 12 hours each day in bed. I don't think it's a matter of love but rather a matter of compatibility and confusion about the gf's health and wellbeing and way of living. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/21/2023 at 7:12 PM, leonfrat said:

Right now she doesn't work. We usually text a little bit through the day. And more in the evening. Usually our conversations are normal and we tell each other about our day and crack w few jokes

No her behavior is not normal. She should be busy updating her CV, looking for employment and not wasting time texting 24/7 and spending all weekend every weekend with you. She needs to get her life in order especially finding gainful employment. 

[Alpacalia]

You're not concerned that she isn't working. You're concerned that she is 'texting' someone else.

Obviously you're okay with that otherwise you would have put your main gripe in the title. Since I'm also putting rose in my vase to be sold in a box, I'll comment. She may be genuinely tired and needs more sleep than you do. If this is the case, you shouldn't be mad about it. Respect her sleep habits. It's also important to remember that people sleep better when they have a consistent sleep schedule and going to bed at 8/9 PM every night may be her routine. If you want to talk to her more during the day, try setting up a regular time for phone or video chats. On the other hand, if you feel like she is avoiding talking to you or that she may be texting someone else, ask her if there is a reason she goes to bed so early and if she needs more sleep. If she is texting someone else, talk to her about that and express your feelings. It's important to trust your partner and have open communication in a relationship. If you feel like you can't trust her, it may be worth reevaluating the relationship.