I think I am living with a narcissist (4 years now)

[Sherri69]

I am just going to cut and paste an email I sent to my bf of 4 years. I am at my wits end with all his mind games. Anyway after my email I will cut and paste his response. Tell me if he is right. Maybe I am the narcissist. He makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

 

My email: “ I am going to say something I will probably regret but I am going to be open and honest and put myself in a very vulnerable position. I believe that I do not apologize because the few times that I have you have gone on to make such a bigger deal out of the situation. You tend to continue fighting and arguing after I have apologized making me feel worse about myself. I don’t think I should ever feel bad for doing the right thing but that is exactly how I feel.

I think for so long you put me upon this pedestal thinking I was perfect and never screwed up that once I did you reveled in it. It’s like once I made a major mistake and acknowledged and apologized for it you would not let it go. You kept saying things like I used to always think you were better than me but you’re not. You’re not perfect. Even though I never said I was perfect.

But when I finally made the major mistakes that I made a year and a half ago you have acted this way when I make a mistake. When someone apologizes to you and is sincere and shows through their actions their sincerity by not repeating their mistakes the mistakes should be forgiven; not forgotten but forgiven. That’s not the way it happened with you. It’s like you got some sort of pleasure hearing me admit my mistakes and apologize for them. You then went on for weeks about how I am not perfect and how you knocked me off my high horse. You told me things like “how could you lie to me like this? I always thought you were better than me.”

This went on for weeks. You made me feel so bad about myself that I never wanted to apologize for anything to you ever again. Unfortunately that’s what I have done. Even when I screw up I never want to be put through what I went through again for owning my mistakes and apologizing. When someone steps up and owns their mistakes and has the ability to be the bigger person and say they are sorry and they show their their actions that they are doing everything they can to not repeat their mistakes I was taught that they should be respected for owning their mistakes and forgiven. But with you that’s not what happened.

I felt stripped of my dignity for admitting I made mistakes and you wouldn’t accept my apology at first which you had every right to refuse but this was the first time I had really messed up in a major way. This was after you had been cheating on me and lying to me while I was not even working anymore. This was after I have forgiven you over and over again for all the shitty things you had been doing behind my back. I made a series of bad decisions and you were ready to kick me to the curb, which you eventually did. This taught me a lesson and quickly that I should never own my mistakes and apologize for them because I will be chastised for weeks and most likely you will end our relationship over it which is the opposite of what usually happens when someone owns their mistakes and apologizes.

So you are right I have gotten to a point with you where I stopped accepting my mistakes and apologizing for them for 2 major reasons:

1. Because you never did. You were cheating on me, sexting with other women, lying to me constantly and even when you got caught you would act so callous and cold hearted never admitting to anything. You just had this attitude about you that said you don’t like it then you can leave. I don’t [care].

2. And also because of what I stated above because you took my apology and reveled in just the thought that I made a mistake and owned it. You made me feel like I was weak for owning my mistakes and apologizing to you for what I had done.

I hope I did not make a mistake here by opening up and admitting to you that you are right I have refused to accept responsibility for things I have done which was wrong no matter what my reasoning for it was. I am not blaming you for anything. I just wanted to give you the details as to why I chose to stop taking responsibility for my mistakes. But I am owning it now and sincerely apologizing. I just hope you don’t take this as another opportunity to bash me for doing what I should have done a long time ago by admitting to not taking responsibility for my mistakes. I love you. And again I am sorry."

 

Here is his response: “So you get to blame me for the mistakes you've made and now even blame me for not apologizing. But anything I've ever said that was similar has been thrown back in my face as bullshit excuses by you. I don't even know what mistakes your even referencing but I'm guessing that's the point.  [name] I thank you for apologizing (even though idk what for & you've basically blamed me now for ur mistakes and not apologizing) but how is it fair that you've been able to do this to me and yet tou can't see how this type of s*** has led me to make s*** decisions and hurt you then vice versa!

I have had to go thru my thought processes w you and you've been able to get confirmation on things whereas Idk what ur even apologizing for and have basically been told to just accept that you apologized and move on so that u don't regret doing it. Do you think you do the same for me? Because you don't. But fine thanks for the blanket apology w no specifics so I have no idea what you actually are admitting you did wrong. I feel so much better now.”

 

Lastly my response to him: “ Wow. Yeah there is no winning with you. I am done. We are done. You really need to get some help. The way you treat people is so [messed] up. I did the right thing in this email. I never blamed you. I explained to you why I did what I did. Why I made the decisions that I made. You would not have been happy if I had just apologized without giving you an explanation to help you understand why I made the decisions that I made. That would not have given you enough information for closure but closure is not what you are wanting. You just want to keep this toxic cycle moving.

I am out. I love you. I have done everything I can do on my own. I see no other options. I am sorry. I will always love you but you are dead set on staying unhappy. I made the choice to quit for the good of our relationship and that still didn’t make you happy. You still [complained].

So you are on your own to find the happiness that you are looking for because it’s obvious you do not want to be happy with me. It is 10:43am, I will not respond to anymore emails and texts having to do with us and our relationship. If you need to talk about anything other than our relationship just text me and I will respond but only if it has to do with anything except us. I love you”

Edited December 21, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting/language/identifying details

[Alpacalia]

It doesn't matter if he is a narcissist or you are a narcissist - this relationship is toxic.

Self-diagnosing him won't change the communication and trust issues. Further, you both sound misaligned on your expectations from each other and the relationship and sound miserable.

No individual is going to heal that relationship by figuring out who is bad or wrong etc. 

Both of you are playing mind games and blaming each other for your own issues. You both need to take a step back and examine your actions and behaviors and take responsibility for yourselves. It's clear that this relationship is not working. The cheating and the lying and the constant bickering and blaming will not end unless you both make a conscious effort to change and work on your own issues.

I'm sorry, but it just sounds like 4 years of misery and drama.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully you don't live together. It's good you recognize how toxic this dynamic is. 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently. 

Please don't bother dragging out the blame game, character assassinations, telling him he needs help, and then ending this type of hate mail with "love you"?  

Don't worry about his mental health. There's too much hurt, contempt resentment and rancor going on. Worry about your own wellbeing and happiness.  Please walk away. 

Edited December 21, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[MsJayne]

If he is a narcissist, after four years of him you'd probably be experiencing severe depression and questioning your own sanity. Regardless of the state of his mental health, you need to worry about your own and stick to your decision to end the relationship because he's definitely toxic. Stop telling him that you love him, you don't, you're just in a very bad emotional place at the moment and afraid you're making a mistake because he's got you constantly on the back-foot, second-guessing yourself. He's a little turd, flush him. 

[FMW]

Lots of words, no clarity.  My guess is that sums up your communication in a nutshell.  Like @Alpacalia said, this sounds like a lot of misery and drama - major dysfunction.  

Apologizing doesn't mean the other person has to accept it, and if they throw it back in your face that's your clue to move on. If he was indeed cheating, sexting and lying to you then that's an even further indication to get out.   

I have no idea who is right or wrong here, but I do know that focusing on establishing blame only proves the relationship is very unhealthy.  

 

 

[stillafool]

What did you do that he is not forgiving you for?  He doesn't even seem to know.  If you cheated with another guy it will take a long time for him to forgive you, if ever.  Guys have a harder time getting over affairs I've found than women.   I agree the relationship sounds toxic for both of you and I think you both will be much happier apart.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Sherri69 said:

I am going to say something I will probably regret but I am going to be open and honest and put myself in a very vulnerable position. I believe that I do not apologize because the few times that I have you have gone on to make such a bigger deal out of the situation. You tend to continue fighting and arguing after I have apologized making me feel worse about myself. I don’t think I should ever feel bad for doing the right thing but that is exactly how I feel.

I think for so long you put me upon this pedestal thinking I was perfect and never screwed up that once I did you reveled in it. It’s like once I made a major mistake and acknowledged and apologized for it you would not let it go. You kept saying things like I used to always think you were better than me but you’re not. You’re not perfect. Even though I never said I was perfect.

But when I finally made the major mistakes that I made a year and a half ago you have acted this way when I make a mistake. When someone apologizes to you and is sincere and shows through their actions their sincerity by not repeating their mistakes the mistakes should be forgiven; not forgotten but forgiven. That’s not the way it happened with you. It’s like you got some sort of pleasure hearing me admit my mistakes and apologize for them. You then went on for weeks about how I am not perfect and how you knocked me off my high horse. You told me things like “how could you lie to me like this? I always thought you were better than me.”

This went on for weeks. You made me feel so bad about myself that I never wanted to apologize for anything to you ever again. Unfortunately that’s what I have done. Even when I screw up I never want to be put through what I went through again for owning my mistakes and apologizing. When someone steps up and owns their mistakes and has the ability to be the bigger person and say they are sorry and they show their their actions that they are doing everything they can to not repeat their mistakes I was taught that they should be respected for owning their mistakes and forgiven. But with you that’s not what happened.

I felt stripped of my dignity for admitting I made mistakes and you wouldn’t accept my apology at first which you had every right to refuse but this was the first time I had really messed up in a major way. This was after you had been cheating on me and lying to me while I was not even working anymore. This was after I have forgiven you over and over again for all the shitty things you had been doing behind my back. I made a series of bad decisions and you were ready to kick me to the curb, which you eventually did. This taught me a lesson and quickly that I should never own my mistakes and apologize for them because I will be chastised for weeks and most likely you will end our relationship over it which is the opposite of what usually happens when someone owns their mistakes and apologizes.

So you are right I have gotten to a point with you where I stopped accepting my mistakes and apologizing for them for 2 major reasons:

1. Because you never did. You were cheating on me, sexting with other women, lying to me constantly and even when you got caught you would act so callous and cold hearted never admitting to anything. You just had this attitude about you that said you don’t like it then you can leave. I don’t [care].

2. And also because of what I stated above because you took my apology and reveled in just the thought that I made a mistake and owned it. You made me feel like I was weak for owning my mistakes and apologizing to you for what I had done.

I hope I did not make a mistake here by opening up and admitting to you that you are right I have refused to accept responsibility for things I have done which was wrong no matter what my reasoning for it was. I am not blaming you for anything. I just wanted to give you the details as to why I chose to stop taking responsibility for my mistakes. But I am owning it now and sincerely apologizing. I just hope you don’t take this as another opportunity to bash me for doing what I should have done a long time ago by admitting to not taking responsibility for my mistakes. I love you. And again I am sorry."

Only the most highly developed soul could read all the (bolded) blame and attacking words and not react negatively by attacking in return.  But I think your wording is a sign of just how toxic the relationship is.  I think that the relationship ended the moment this email got sent....but it needed to end anyway.   

What are the practicalities from here?  Do you live together?  If so, how do you disentangle the living situation?