Feeling insecure about my gf's relationship with her male friend

[bighoney95]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years now, and we've had a really strong and beautiful relationship. We don't really have any major issues outside of this specific topic. I need to provide some background information first so that you can fully understand what is going on. My girlfriend and I became good friends a few years before we pursued a romantic relationship. During the early stages of our friendship, she revealed to me that a long time ago, she had a crush on one of her close friends (I will refer to him as Jared in this post). It didn't bother me at the time, obviously because we were just friends.

A couple of years later, right before she and I began our relationship, she started using Jared as a way to make me jealous. We had yet to admit our feelings for each other, and it became obvious that she was using Jared as a way to get my attention. For example, she would post about him all the time or bring him up in conversation more than she had in the past. After we began dating, I confronted her about it and let her know that I was unhappy with the way she used him to make me jealous. She apologized and agreed that it was unfair and immature, promising that nothing like that would ever happen again. (I also want to add that this was over three years ago, and we were obviously quite a bit younger than - I feel like she is definitely more emotionally mature now).

As our relationship progressed, I decided to be cordial with Jared. All three of us had a group chat at one point where we would talk here and there, and we even added each other on social media. However, Jared became cold and distant towards my girlfriend, and I started to get the vibe that he was jealous and had feelings for her. When I brought this up to my girlfriend, she just played it off and gave another excuse for his behavior. However, everything came to a head when they got into an argument about it. I eventually got involved and asked Jared if he had feelings for my girlfriend. He got mad and deleted us both on social media. We haven't heard from him in close to two years.

A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend let me know that Jared had added her back on Facebook and wanted to talk to her. She asked me how I felt about it, and I told her I was uncomfortable, but that I wasn't going to stop her from speaking to him if that's what she wanted to do. Eventually, they talked, and she said they hashed everything out. She told me that he apologized about how he treated her and said that it had nothing to do with our relationship. She also told me that she gave him boundaries and let him know that he cannot disrespect me or our relationship again. This made me feel a bit better because I felt reassured that there would be strict boundaries between them, and I also let my girlfriend know that I wasn't interested in trying to be cordial with him again.

This weekend, his Facebook page pops up, so I decide to go look at it. The first thing I see are a couple of selfies he posted, and my girlfriend had liked the post. One of the pictures was of him shirtless, and I immediately got upset and felt disrespected. I feel as if this is crossing a boundary, as I'm sure she would not appreciate me liking a picture of a half-naked friend if the roles were reversed in this scenario. She also knows that I've been feeling insecure lately because I've gained some weight, and her and I also don't have sex as much as we used to. I'm thinking that my insecurities are also adding to how I am feeling after seeing his Facebook page.

I want to talk to her, but I don't know how to bring this up. I also don't want her to think that I am accusing her of something, but I do have trauma from my past relationships and I worry that she isn't being completely honest with me. Obviously, knowing that she once had feelings for him, as well as her using him to make me jealous in the past, adds to how I feel about the entire situation. Am I overreacting? How should I approach this conversation? I don't want to overstep and seem like I am controlling what she can do or who she can be friends with, but I am not sure how I should get over this whole situation. Any advice would be appreciated. TIA!

[MsJayne]

Why does she need Jared in her life? Like you say, her liking his shirtless photo is no different to you liking revealing pics of some female friend, and I bet she'd have something to say about that. He's an orbiter, and she encourages it. You're right to refuse to engage with him, and she's a fool for risking your relationship for some cling-on from the past. 

[bighoney95]

The only reason I can think of (besides her being secretly attracted to him or still having feelings) is that they were friends for a long time, so maybe she misses having her friend around. But, you are right and I appreciate your response. I don't want to lose our relationship over this person, but she is ultimately the one risking it with her actions. 

[MsJayne]

31 minutes ago, bighoney95 said:

The only reason I can think of (besides her being secretly attracted to him or still having feelings) is that they were friends for a long time, so maybe she misses having her friend around. But, you are right and I appreciate your response. I don't want to lose our relationship over this person, but she is ultimately the one risking it with her actions. 

Yes, I get the friend thing, but he was disrespectful towards you back whenever, she owes you her loyalty because you're her partner. She managed fine without his friendship for two years, and if you're not comfortable with his presence in her life she should respect that if she wants your relationship to stay afloat. You said you've gained some weight, and it sounds like it's affected intimacy because you're not feeling so great about how you look, so maybe start sorting that out with the aim of getting some spark back. 

[Alpacalia]

Her liking of a shirltess selfie seems to be affected by the context of your current situation with her. That said, even if it doesn't rise to infidelity, it's a blind spot on her part and lack emotional concern for you. Whose idea is it not to have sex as frequently as you used to? 

And add all that she agreed about him never affecting your relationship and her liking of that selfie quite likely was to throw a little jar of trouble into her relationship with you. Now, maybe she has entirely satisfactory answers, but you need to hear them. Just to hear them. Naked and honest conversation with respectful, non accusatory, sincere intention.

It's great that you recognize that your insecurities may be adding to how you are feeling in this situation. Try to get to a place of security within yourself because you can't control others or monitor them to address your insecurities. Jared is a side show – – there's always going to be somebody else that crops up to explain insecurities and jealousy that arise within.

The thing is, she used to have a thing for this guy and liking shirtless pics I think would likely stir up some trouble for some people in a committed relationship, given the history. It seems like she agreed to boundaries but now is seemingly not honoring them. You have history, you love each other, you are committed, you have a relationship built over time, 3 years.

I would certainly express with her your expectations and your wishes that she have respect and sensitivity for your feelings that she caused, as a simple form of empathy or even as some sort of tacit reparation or accountability.

Reasonable.

Edited December 19, 2023 by Alpacalia