BrinnM Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 So, first off - I have zero interest in getting back with my ex, plus I know he’s in a new relationship which he ghosted me for, after a serious 3-year-relationship. That break up happened almost 4 years ago. All of a sudden he is reaching out again. He took years of my life, and now all of a sudden he starts texting me and tells me he loves me. While he’s living with the new chick. Wants to take me to “dinner” (right ….. ). Second: I am not mature enough apparently to see him happy with someone else. Especially not after what he did to me. I’ve been fine and moved on relatively quickly, no contact and all, but now I’m in this unlucky position to ruminate about everything again. And I think that he simply doesn't deserve to be happy or feel loved after everything he took from me. It's not fair and I know she has no idea that he reaches out to me now …… (and he has no idea I know she exists) …… and for what? A hookup? Barf. It took me years to get over this, and now everything is fresh again. I hate myself for even replying. Thanks for reading.
glows Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 How recently did he text and you reply? What did you say? These things are disorienting. Give yourself some breathing room and block his number if he continues to have that effect on you. Blocking someone isn’t about failing to be the bigger person. It’s about taking care of yourself and moving on - make your needs a priority.
Author BrinnM Posted December 18, 2023 Author Posted December 18, 2023 (edited) 6 minutes ago, glows said: How recently did he text and you reply? What did you say? Like a week ago or so. I honestly expected an apology which of course I didn’t receive. Instead, he told me what I did “wrong” after I told him everybody was worried sick about his abrupt disappearance. Like I didn’t “need” him enough and whatnot. Ridiculous! I didn’t entertain his dinner invitation and said I have no time. Basically told him off. Now he’s resorting to the bland good morning good night texts. The sicko in me enjoys the attention, because it almost gives me hope that his current relationship isn’t as stellar as it’s being presented on social media. What is wrong with me all of a sudden? I was fine for 4 years not giving AF. Edited December 18, 2023 by BrinnM
Alpacalia Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 (edited) I don't think it's a matter of not being mature enough to see him happy with someone else - it's more about the fact that he has caused you a lot of pain and it's not fair for him to come back into your life now that he's in a new relationship. It doesn't sound like you've made peace with what happened so obviously you don't want to see him happy. And that's totally understandable. You have every right to protect yourself and not let him back into your life. He had his chance and he blew it. Edited December 18, 2023 by Alpacalia Missed something...
Author BrinnM Posted December 18, 2023 Author Posted December 18, 2023 16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: It doesn't sound like you've made peace with what happened so obviously you don't want to see him happy. I definitely haven’t made peace per se, but I also haven’t thought about him a lot during the past years. I never expected him to be back at all. And I also know that I probably dodged a bullet because he would’ve done the same to me. ….. however, I cannot shake that sick feeling about how he is still thinking of me, how I was his one true love & how he cannot get me out of his head and so on and so forth. Which is what he’s saying. And it gives me an ego stroke. I’m being completely honest here. Not proud of it. But I know he’s a lying bastard.
Alpacalia Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 Just now, BrinnM said: I definitely haven’t made peace per se, but I also haven’t thought about him a lot during the past years. I never expected him to be back at all. And I also know that I probably dodged a bullet because he would’ve done the same to me. ….. however, I cannot shake that sick feeling about how he is still thinking of me, how I was his one true love & how he cannot get me out of his head and so on and so forth. Which is what he’s saying. And it gives me an ego stroke. I’m being completely honest here. Not proud of it. But I know he’s a lying bastard. It doesn't sound like he considers you his one true love - if he did, he wouldn't have cheated. It seems like he's trying to manipulate you and play on your emotions for his own benefit. It's perfectly normal to feel an ego boost from knowing that someone still thinks about you, but don't let that overshadow the fact that this person is not good for you and does not deserve your time or attention. He left you for someone else, if you hadn't found out, he would still be with her. That says a lot about his character and how he truly feels about you. Focus on yourself and moving on from this toxic person.
Author BrinnM Posted December 18, 2023 Author Posted December 18, 2023 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: He left you for someone else, if you hadn't found out, he would still be with her. Oh he’s still with her. And they look happy on social media. He just doesn’t know that I know. What he’s trying to do is either cheat on her with me or trying to get found out so he doesn’t have to actively break up with her - not sure. Edited December 18, 2023 by BrinnM
Alpacalia Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 (edited) 12 minutes ago, BrinnM said: Oh he’s still with her. And they look happy on social media. He just doesn’t know that I know. What he’s trying to do is either cheat on her with me or trying to get found out so he doesn’t have to actively break up with her - not sure. I find when exes come back it's more of a nuisance then anything else. If you have no intentions of being involved with your ex again then keep tuned out. You don't need that kind of headache, it can't lead to a happy ending with his current girlfriend and will most likely cause problems for you too. I can't imagine how hurt you must feel that he left you for this other woman and while he is still with her, he reaches out to you. I've certainly had an ex that I knew wasn't the "right one" and I hope more than anything he is happy ... If you 100% don't want him back then just leave him be and hope he stays away. Don't keep playing his games while hurting yourself. But if you are completely over him then do what you need to do to just brush his attempts off. Edited December 18, 2023 by Alpacalia
Wiseman2 Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, BrinnM said: . While he’s living with the new chick. Wants to take me to “dinner” Please don't fall for the bait. A womanizer cheats and womanizes for fun, that why he wants to cheat on whoever he's with now. At some level you already know the type of lies and slick talk he's capable of. Please close this chapter and free yourself. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently. Don't look back. Edited December 18, 2023 by Wiseman2
Author BrinnM Posted December 18, 2023 Author Posted December 18, 2023 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Please close this chapter and free yourself I want to. But for some reason, my revengeful self wants to punish him. I know it’s pathetic.
Wiseman2 Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 13 minutes ago, BrinnM said: for some reason, my revengeful self wants to punish him. Please don't punish yourself. That's who you'll be punishing. He doesn't really care. Delete and block and walk away for good. Why give him all this power?
MsJayne Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 33 minutes ago, BrinnM said: I want to. But for some reason, my revengeful self wants to punish him. I know it’s pathetic. Maybe screenshot his message where he said you're his one true love, and then, (I'm assuming if you can see his or his girlfriend's social media you can post a comment on it), post it underneath one of his, or preferably his girlfriend's, loved-up social media posts. Put a couple of smiley santa emojis at the end to give it a fun Christmassy vibe. Then immediately block him on all platforms. Cruel, but effective, and immensely satisfying . Plus you'd be doing his girlfriend a huge favour. 3
Author BrinnM Posted December 18, 2023 Author Posted December 18, 2023 @MsJayneOMG hahaha ….. I have so many of those incriminating messages and her SM is wide open (she’s somewhat of a public figure) ….. that would be something
MsJayne Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 1 minute ago, BrinnM said: @MsJayneOMG hahaha ….. I have so many of those incriminating messages and her SM is wide open (she’s somewhat of a public figure) ….. that would be something You could post one a day leading up to Christmas, sort of like an advent calendar
ShyViolet Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 2 hours ago, BrinnM said: L I didn’t entertain his dinner invitation and said I have no time. Basically told him off. Now he’s resorting to the bland good morning good night texts. Oh no no no. Don't let him orbit around you like this and drag this out. Put an end to this so that YOU can move on and stop ruminating about this. Send him a blunt and direct text letting him know that you do not want to stay in touch or continue texting with him. And if he texts you after that, block him.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 You need to block this guy. He clearly thinks the world of himself (not you) to imagine you'd still want anything to do with him after what he did. And you know what? You are proving him right every time you respond. He treated you poorly and you are still giving him the time of day? Girl. This isn't about you being the love of his life. This is about him knowing you are flimsy with your own boundaries and knowing he can still get your attention. You are stroking his ego, in other words. Think about that.
Acacia98 Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This isn't about you being the love of his life. This is about him knowing you are flimsy with your own boundaries and knowing he can still get your attention. You are stroking his ego, in other words. Think about that. So true. OP pay attention to the above words. This guy sought you out because he wanted an ego boost. He wanted to feel worshipped. And something in his interactions with you gives him that feeling. And true to his expectations, here you are responding to him and dancing to his tune even though he treated you like crap and hasn't interacted with you in years. The only right way to respond to him is to shut the door on all communications with him and block him. I don't know where all the talk about maturity and wishing one's ex well comes from. How about just getting on with your life and not caring what he does with his? The key to that is blocking him and not keeping track of who he's dating because you simply don't care.
Weezy1973 Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 I don’t know the details of your ex, but I’ve read that narcissists and folks with borderline personality disorder will often contact exes to get that ego boost / supply. In his mind he’s thinking, after how I treated her I still have power over her. If he’s a narcissist, the cruelest thing you can do is block him, and delete him and his girlfriend from your social media. If you give him any attention, positive or negative, he wins in his mind because he’s provoked a response. He still has control.
Wiseman2 Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 7 hours ago, BrinnM said: @MsJayneOMG hahaha ….. I have so many of those incriminating messages and her SM is wide open (she’s somewhat of a public figure) ….. that would be something Revenge fantasies might be fun to entertain, but please don't let this guy turn you into a Fatal Attraction case where you're contacting his GF. 2
Author BrinnM Posted December 18, 2023 Author Posted December 18, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: narcissists and folks with borderline personality That’s interesting and while I have a hard time categorizing people into personality disorders, he does have certain traits, experiences, and behaviors that are probably not the norm when you compare them to other people’s behaviors and experiences. Eg there certainly was a lot of love-bombing involved in the beginning and throughout, he has fear of shame and loss (but who doesn’t), in retrospect I’m sure that he has not been faithful during our relationship either and there was some childhood trauma as well, which he won’t talk about in detail, but some sexual abuse/molestation (briefly) when he was a boy, but not in the family, I think it was one of the neighbors or neighbor boys. So yes, shame is a theme, so is being secretive …. And while he is not my problem anymore, it’s still very interesting to explore. Edited December 18, 2023 by BrinnM
Wiseman2 Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 10 hours ago, BrinnM said: I cannot shake that sick feeling about how he is still thinking of me, how I was his one true love & how he cannot get me out of his head and so on and so forth. Which is what he’s saying. And it gives me an ego stroke. Please delete and block him. You seem to already know he's manipulative so why eat up his saccharine lies? Walking away would be the best approach. 1
Alpacalia Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 There are people that had less than ideal upbringings and they developed “normal” personalities. They are capable of healthy, supportive relationships. There are people who had great childhoods with two loving parents and absence of any significant trauma, yet they developed pathologies, so it’s really hard to draw any conclusions or make any assumptions. Everyone is unique. Please don't base your reactions to him on some assessment of his “personality disorder.” He cheated on you and left you for someone else. That is plain enough right there. What his specific problems are, why he has them, and whether there was anything you or anyone could or should do about it, is and should be largely irrelevant. 1
stillafool Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 Why wasn't he blocked after he ghosted you for this other girl?
Author BrinnM Posted December 18, 2023 Author Posted December 18, 2023 @stillafoolI think he was, but it’s been so many years, so I don’t even remember who blocked whom back then. It’s irrelevant though because he used a different phone number this time.
ShyViolet Posted December 18, 2023 Posted December 18, 2023 15 hours ago, BrinnM said: OMG hahaha ….. I have so many of those incriminating messages and her SM is wide open (she’s somewhat of a public figure) ….. that would be something That would be an immature thing to do and it would make you look pathetic. You don't even know if maybe they have an open relationship, maybe she wouldn't even care. Are you interested in moving on from this and bettering yourself, or staying stuck in these games?
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