Girlfriend tells me she is falling in love and I responded poorly

[Versacehottie]

8 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

youre right I dont want to force this. Part of the reason things were going really well was because nothing was forced. We had both commented in the relationship how everything was so easy.

I also agree on the I dont want to date you anymore. It was just odd that we talked on the phone for a couple of days straight and it seemed to be going in a more positive direction then she disappeared. Perhaps she felt I still had feelings and decided to ghost again. I simply dont know

I sort of understand her saying she is "too busy to date right now" as part truth and part also not wanting to force things. If she told you it was because you didn't say ily back, well that would be forcing things, right? She'd sort of be pressuring you to say it in response to that to resurrect things, rather than when you naturally would. 

To the bolded, I would say that anything after the bobble/breakup is not going to be smooth or straightforward. It's on shaky ground so that what it means that things won't be reliable or straightforward or easy, or move forward in a straight line. She could be playing games a touch or even unconsciously--she could also be facing the reality that she said it too soon for herself/her life situation and zoomed out to see the reality of that. I don't think you can approach this uber-logically. Nor expect uber-logical responses or reactions from her. And maybe you are just seeing why it was easy at the beginning and now you've hit the bump in the road. 

I think it's important to give her some space. You don't want to pressure her--she doesn't want to pressure you. I think only with a  bit of space will the real answer of what is meant to be rise to the surface. You've done as much as you can and ball is in her court. I'd be shocked if you don't hear from her in the near future. If she is playing games or has a bit of manipulative side (or is sort of love bombing you), then you NEED to let the ball be in her court to weed that out. If she is normal and sensible, and just hurt, then you ALSO need to let the ball be in her court. 

[introverted1]

4 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

think it's important to give her some space. You don't want to pressure her--she doesn't want to pressure you.

@alertingaltIf there is a path forward, this is it.

I think you should also use this time to carefully examine your own feelings.  Do you truly love this woman or are you just feeling the loss of her presence in your life, which can be acute, especially at this time of year, but doesn't necessarily equate to love.

If/when she contacts you, hopefully you will have a clearer understanding of your own feelings and how/if you want to move forward. 

[Lotsgoingon]

There's an unstated history that many people have experienced--that you probably need to know. 

What you were up against is that a lot of people have spoken love to a partner and then gotten back a version of "I have really strong feelings for you too." And the person in your gf's position hears "I have really strong feelings for you" as "I love you." And then later on the person in your gf's position learns that "I have strong feelings for you too"  was NOT an "I love you" in different words. It was an evasion, a way to say something that is designed to fool the other person into hearing "I love you too."

So you're up against that kind of history. 

My version of this was a woman who told me "you're the best man I've ever dated." Sounds strong, doesn't it? She also said, "you take care of me better than any man I've ever been with." Again sounds really strong, right? Now I did notice at the time that that she said these kinds of words with little feeling, without taking my hand or caressing me or just looking really happy as she spoke.  Well in not too long she dumped me and I was puzzled, baffled. Wasn't I the best man that she ever dated?   

Turned out, she did admire me and think I was the best man she'd ever dated. But she wasn't having more fun with me than with other guys she dated and she wasn't all that turned on by me. Her words had fooled me. Anyway, that's why there isn't a lot of wiggle room in telling someone how much you love them and want to be with them. It's because so often (not always) people use words designed to sound like "I love you" or "I really want to be with you" when in reality they are not feeling those things.

So no need to be hard on yourself. 

 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[alertingalt]

@Lotsgoingon thanks. We were often tender with each other and affectionate. 

At the end of the day I also dont know for sure if this was the cause of the end. We never had a conversation about breakup or met.  And the end was a very cold text message. Although i was able to briefly resume contact, basically felt like she ran away again when it was time for us to meet face to face. So part of this is me also wondering what went wrong when we both said things were going really well. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, alertingalt said:

So part of this is me also wondering what went wrong when we both said things were going really well. 

What went wrong is that your feelings didn't match hers.  Perhaps it would have been wise for her to give you another couple of months, but ultimately, she's in charge of who and what she allows into her life.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, alertingalt said:

@Lotsgoingon At the end of the day I also dont know for sure if this was the cause of the end.  We never had a conversation about breakup or met. part of this is me also wondering what went wrong when we both said things were going really well. 

She did officially break up and she did explain that it was your lukewarm comment. So maybe things "were" going well but not after that.

Unfortunately she probably wants to keep her dignity intact after this and not belabor it through backpedaling over coffee.  It's sad but she put herself out there and you were cold in her opinion.

It doesn't matter what nationality someone is most women don't want to have sex and get hurt by someone who appears to be coasting along sort of indifferently.

"When she sent the text message to break up,.She replied yes and when you said you had strong feelings I decided to pull back and focus on work" 

[alertingalt]

@Wiseman2 yes I agree that the reception to my comment is likely the genesis of the breakup even if she has not officially said that.

i felt at the time I was communicating the same thing back to her. Because I did warmly embrace her when I said my reply.  But I understand now that it wasn’t viewed that way. I was hoping to clear things up and explain but just never got the chance. And I can understand on her part why maybe she didn’t want to go back. I realize I might just have to swallow this and learn to express myself a little better and not assume that what I mean and feel is getting across 

 

I don’t think I was coasting because I was 100% invested in her and she knew that and understood I was too.

 

 

[Maldives]

On 12/17/2023 at 6:05 AM, alertingalt said:

Little context: We (M 38/F34)had been dating for about 3 months now. There were never any issues and everything was easy and flowing really well. We even commented it seemed like we had been dating longer than we had and had talks about future.

We were watching a movie when she told me "I think I am falling in love with you". I was surprised by this statement. I responded back "I have really strong feelings for you too". She took that as she told me she loved me and I didnt respond back with that. At that time, I didnt really think of it like that.  Ans  everything seemed fine at first.

Over the next week, she told me where she wanted to go for her birthday in March and I met her nephew for the first time. However, I started to notice she was contacting me a little less. We were talking everyday and exchanging messages. But from her end it was slowing down and I was always the one calling.
She then canceled our date night and said she was just too tired and wanted to reschedule. This was not super surprising because she was working a ton of hours of late and got scheduled for more. She has been working a ton of hours in general.

However, the next day she text messaged me: I am just too busy for a relationship right now and you deserve someone who can spend more time with you, go on trips together. I dont want to bring you into my mess more because you will end up miserable because I just dont have time and not right for a relationship
Even with the change in behavior, this was surprising because how well things had been going. I tried to text her back asking for more info. She responded a day later saying she is sorry I am a great person but its just not right timing and she wants to end it now before its miserable. She agreed to do a call with me but then never answered her phone. I messaged her back I am happy to accommodate my schedule and sent her flowers. I never heard back and that was  2-3 days ago
At this point, I feel the relationship is over. However, I keep wondering if I blew this with my response. It was just very fast end to something that seemed really promising.

TLDR: Girlfriend said she loved me, I was little taken back and didnt respond best way, she breaks up with me soon after

You're not a mind reader bro and she has said she wants to wind it back so give her what she wants. You didn't say anything wrong by the way you responded to her. If she's gonna get that hung up about your response she's got a lot of maturing to do. Give her wish and let her go and get on with your own life. 

 

Think of it this way. Your response back ok there's that then her reaction her rejection of you. Her ending the relationship. Look at the two. Which one looks worse to you? Which one is the one that shows the lack of love? No brainer 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Goodguy05

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, alertingalt said:

@Wiseman2  I might just have to swallow this and learn to express myself a little better and not assume that what I mean and feel is getting across 

This is good insight. Especially if you are dating cross-culturally it's better to be crystal clear on things. 

Please keep in mind saying affectionate things is important in any romantic relationship. It would have cost nothing to say how you feel.

Perhaps focus on reticence and emotional constipation and why you felt the need to hold back when she opened her heart to you. 

[Txshim]

So sorry about this. This is why I feel relationships are difficult. If we make one mistake, we could lose the relationship. You care about her, but wasn't 100% ready to say what she wanted. That's totally understandable.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Txshim said:

So sorry about this. This is why I feel relationships are difficult. If we make one mistake, we could lose the relationship. You care about her, but wasn't 100% ready to say what she wanted. That's totally understandable.

 

I don't think that's really the case. This isn't a mistake so much as the two just not being on the same page about something pretty big. I don't think this woman would have run if she felt there was a future in the relationship. Not having a future together is huge.

 

[alertingalt]

@CaliforniaGirl @Txshim in fairness we did talk about the future. We had talked about moving in together in a couple of months when my lease ended. I was introducing my parents to her. I  talked about future with her. 

Honestly, I felt the same way but didnt think when she said "I think I am falling in love with you" as I love you. At the time I thought my response was similar back. Its not like we had any argument or issue when that happened either. It was only later when she texted me to break up when I pressed that I found out that this triggered something. At which point I tried to clear up but it didnt really take me far. I feel my fault (if you want to call it fault) was not expressing my emotions and how I felt well to her. 

I  sent other things to her and messaged her how much she meant to and relationship but didnt get me far.

The second time I sent her flowers and she responded I thought we had made some headway when we said we were going to meet up and talk. But that just never happened 

 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@CaliforniaGirl @Txshim in fairness we did talk about the future. We had talked about moving in together in a couple of months when my lease ended. I was introducing my parents to her. I  talked about future with her. 

Honestly, I felt the same way but didnt think when she said "I think I am falling in love with you" as I love you. At the time I thought my response was similar back. Its not like we had any argument or issue when that happened either. It was only later when she texted me to break up when I pressed that I found out that this triggered something. At which point I tried to clear up but it didnt really take me far. I feel my fault (if you want to call it fault) was not expressing my emotions and how I felt well to her. 

I  sent other things to her and messaged her how much she meant to and relationship but didnt get me far.

The second time I sent her flowers and she responded I thought we had made some headway when we said we were going to meet up and talk. But that just never happened 

 

 

 

Here's the thing. You said on this thread that you actually were still wondering whether you did love her. So it was in there and she may have been sensing it. It doesn't seem likely that she would simply break up if that weren't the case, unless she was just looking for a reason, or unless she is extremely insecure/unstable.

It isn't your "fault" that you didn't know whether you were in love with her/falling in love. You two were not on the same page. 

Here's the reality: you didn't "know" you were full-blown in love with her until she left. That's a panic response. It's also pretty common. Once a person leaves, suddenly we are dying to have them back. Many people go through this. You say the breakup "triggered something." It did. It triggered the fear of loss. Not love. JMO having seen and having been through this and seeing others go through it too. In the end it doesn't work out anyway because no relationship can be sustained on that.

Edited December 19, 2023 by CaliforniaGirl

[alertingalt]

@CaliforniaGirl youre right. At that exact moment i was still thinking through my feelings. I knew I really liked her but hadnt sorted through if it was love exactly. I realized after that I was in love with her. In fact was going to tell her before she broke up with me (I was waiting on weekend when we were supposed to be together). But that didnt  happen. However, in that one moment, I concede we were not on same page. But also at time I didnt think it was a big issue because it didnt seem like one in the moment

Do my responses after seem like panic reactions... probably. And very well could be interpreted by her as that too. And I dont know if I can really do or say anything about that. Its very unfortunate but I sort of dont know anymore what if anything I can do at this point. 

Edited December 19, 2023 by alertingalt

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, alertingalt said:

@CaliforniaGirl youre right. At that exact moment i was still thinking through my feelings. I knew I really liked her but hadnt sorted through if it was love exactly. I realized after that I was in love with her. In fact was going to tell her before she broke up with me (I was waiting on weekend when we were supposed to be together). But that didnt  happen. However, in that one moment, I concede we were not on same page. 

Do my responses after seem like panic reactions... probably. And very well could be interpreted by her as that too. And I dont know if I can really do or say anything about that. Its very unfortunate but I sort of dont know anymore what if anything I can do at this point. 

 

The only thing I can think of is that she's in her 30s and she doesn't want to waste time on relationships she doesn't feel have a future. Unless, as I said, she is just really insecure. 

You're right that you shouldn't do anything from here. Try to put this in perspective. A person being "the right" person includes the fact that they stay. I'm sorry this has happened.

[alertingalt]

@CaliforniaGirl youre right. I have since tried to tell her how invested I am and want to be that person. But hasnt taken me far.

Its obviously really, sad but I am telling myself the same thing.... if this was the right person we would have talked about it and been able to move on together. 

[Wiseman2]

 

4 hours ago, alertingalt said:

 if this was the right person we would have talked about it and been able to move on together. 

Have you heard from her? It seems you tried to make things right, but she's not responding for whatever reason. 

[alertingalt]

@Wiseman2 the last time we spoke was when we had setup a coffee date to talk. When she no showed to that and I called and texted her to find out what was going on she texted me "sorry I was sick and then super busy today". 

I called her after and she said let me call you back because I am talking to my father. She did not call me back The next day I texted if she wanted to actually meet up with me and talk. I expressed its clear how I feel but not sure how you feel about this. 

She never responded and I have not her back from her since. So I doubt its wise to continue to message her at this point

[Gaeta]

Her feelings turned around way too fast for someone expressing falling in love. It's human nature to hold on to what/who we love. She did not hang on at all, she did not even give you the benefit of the doubt, like any woman in love would do. 

I think something happenned, something not related to you. If indeed it's related to you then she would not make a good partner. It's better for you to move on to next.

[USDC]

I started dating this guy last month. The first few dates went very well, but he hasn't asked me to go out for almost 2 weeks. If I text him, he responds, and we exchange some messages and/or pictures. But he seems busy saying things like, "I have a million emails to respond", "Just came back, tired and want to sleep soon". He may have decided not to pursue me. I like him very much and wonder if there is anyway I can get him back?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, USDC said:

I started dating this guy last month. The first few dates went very well, but he hasn't asked me to go out for almost 2 weeks. 

Keep in mind you're not exclusive so both of you are still talking to and meeting others.  No one is "too busy" for what they're interested in. It's unclear why you keep texting him but don't invite him out.  Invite him out. Anything but a yes is a no. You'll have a definitive answer then. This way you won't waste your time texting, waiting and guessing. 

[Lisa]

@USDC and @alertingalt are the same member