lolipops010 Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 I (25f) have been seeing this guy (40s) for about 4 months now. We are not “girlfriend/boyfriend” per se, but more than sexual (mutually agreed & exclusive). I would define it as a short term relationship, something more serious than casual but less than a full-on partnership. We see each other about once or twice a week and text/call everyday. Recently I’ve been going through a traumatic event in my family. This is something very substantial and utterly upsetting for both me and my family. We’re all taking a big hit, emotionally and financially, from this event. I’m not sure if I should end this relationship right now. I don’t think he could provide the degree of emotional support that I need. In the meantime, I think it’s unfair for him to take a toll from my own traumatic experience since he’s not my long-term partner yet. I told him about the event as soon as it happened; his response was somehow lukewarm (“I’m really sorry, I’m sure it will be fine, I hope you are okay”). But tbh what more can I ask? The amount of sorrow could only be understood by close family members and ppl who have experienced the same thing. Should I just break up with him? I haven’t discussed this with him yet. I’m afraid that the most he would say is “if you want to continue we can, if not it’s fine” instead of “no I want to support you at my best capacity,” which is the response I ultimately want to hear but too afraid to ask for. P.s. the relationship has encounter quite a lot of hiccups recently. I want something more serious but he’s unsure. We recently agreed to try something more like a real relationship, but tbh I’ve seen nothing changed yet. Then this happened, so it’s quite tricky.
smackie9 Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 Just tell him you need your space...block/delete. 2
NuevoYorko Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 (edited) I'm sorry you're having a tough time. You are making it more complicated than it needs to be. From this post, evidently it's not serving you in the ways you need. So, since that appears to be the case, of course, stop doing it. The whole point of "casual" is that the emotional ups and down are not in play. Turn to your friends or other family members to see you through this difficult time. You don't need to try to balance a messy, supposedly casual relationship with your family issues. Edited December 16, 2023 by NuevoYorko 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 35 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: I’m afraid that the most he would say is “if you want to continue we can, if not it’s fine” instead of “no I want to support you at my best capacity,” which is the response I ultimately want to hear but too afraid to ask for. P.s. the relationship has encounter quite a lot of hiccups recently. I want something more serious but he’s unsure. We recently agreed to try something more like a real relationship, but tbh I’ve seen nothing changed yet. Then this happened, so it’s quite tricky. Not really, no. You want more, and he doesn't. This event has made you really realize that you're not being honest with yourself about this arrangement, and that you are with the wrong man. You'd like to have an actual partner and not just a sex buddy. The only reason it feels tricky is because you know this has no real future and you're not ready to admit it yourself yet. 4
stillafool Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 I agree he is not ready to handle your trauma at this stage because you really are not in a relationship but dating. He doesn't sound like he's ready to be serious with you, may not be in love with you, and won't stick around for the duration of what you're experiencing. 1
NuevoYorko Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 Keep in mind that even for committed couples, one does not always get their needs met by their partner when family problems happen for one of the people. The other one may try, but just not have the capacity to be fully present like the person going through it may need. The person with the problems often will turn to close friends or a therapist. It would really be a load for a new relationship. A casual FWB or whatever you have might be useful for a distraction. That's about it. Also - kind of on a different track - I don't think that casual relationships evolve into long lasting, deep, committed ones because the people involved "agreed to try something like a real relationship." I can say with a lot of confidence that those are just words and would not lead anywhere much different than where you are today. 1
Author lolipops010 Posted December 16, 2023 Author Posted December 16, 2023 2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Keep in mind that even for committed couples, one does not always get their needs met by their partner when family problems happen for one of the people. The other one may try, but just not have the capacity to be fully present like the person going through it may need. The person with the problems often will turn to close friends or a therapist. I fully agree. I notice the switch from my side as well - I used to be anxious occupied and clinging onto his response/reaction. I noticed that I’ve been withdrawing a lot since the event happened. It’s as if I actively avoid talking to him. I became extremely aware of not putting too much weight on him but turning inwards. It could be that I’m still processing, and/or that I don’t trust he has the capacity/willingness to share my feelings. He doesn’t even ask “how do you feel about it,” just “Hope you are okay.” I guess everyone has their own way dealing with events like this, but that’s just not what I need. I know that he’s not the right person and I should look elsewhere, but every time I brought up about ending things (which has been quite often recently), he doesn’t want to let me go (for whatever reasons), yet does not want to move forward either. This has made me particularly frustrating and for some reasons, I cannot be assertive enough to leave him either. Perhaps this event is the opportunity.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 (edited) 3 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: he doesn’t want to let me go (for whatever reasons) Here is the reason: 1 hour ago, lolipops010 said: We are not “girlfriend/boyfriend” per se, but more than sexual This arrangement is easy for him. Sex and basically no commitment. Edited December 16, 2023 by ExpatInItaly 5
Author lolipops010 Posted December 16, 2023 Author Posted December 16, 2023 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: Here is the reason: This arrangement is easy for him. Sex and basically no commitment. I’ve been struggling with that. Every time I confronted him he would said no, that’s not how it is , blah blah blah. Do I believe him? Not 100%. He was very cautious, like he said, to try to make me feel like this is not just sex. We’ve been communicating about this so many times, and at one point I even offered that if this is just sexual, that’s okay too (it’s not like I’ve never had fwb before); we’re both adults and I just need to set up real expectations. He just won’t admit it.
Author lolipops010 Posted December 16, 2023 Author Posted December 16, 2023 Another thing I forgot to mention - when I told him about this event and said “I’m afraid that I would need a lot of support as of now,” he said “I’d try my best.” I’m not sure if he’s trying his best. At the same time, I also feel like the degree of sorrow really could not be understood by anyone else but myself. I almost shut down. I withdrew from this relationship drastically in the past few days, fearing that I won’t get what I want and prefer to stay on my own. I plan to share how I feel tomorrow when I see him, our last time before Christmas. I’m not sure how I should best phrase it, or what will likely happen.
NuevoYorko Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 12 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: I know that he’s not the right person and I should look elsewhere, but every time I brought up about ending things (which has been quite often recently), he doesn’t want to let me go (for whatever reasons), yet does not want to move forward either. This has made me particularly frustrating and for some reasons, I cannot be assertive enough to leave him either. Perhaps this event is the opportunity. You are overthinking and seem to be trying to force something that is not happening. Clearly he knows what you want and he is not budging. So stop "bringing up about ending things." It's not pushing the square peg into the round hole as you would like. You can accept things the way they are with the guy, or end it. There's no reason for you to be conflating whatever is going on in your family with this "situationship". That is really blurring boundaries. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 28 minutes ago, lolipops010 said: I’m not sure if he’s trying his best. He's obviously not. He knows what you need, and he's not offering that. Ask yourself why he isn't. You know what you need to do. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 3 hours ago, lolipops010 said: I (25f) have been seeing this guy (40s) for about 4 months now. We are not “girlfriend/boyfriend” I told him about the event as soon as it happened; his response was somehow lukewarm (“I’m really sorry, I’m sure it will be fine, I hope you are okay”). Sorry this is happening. Hopefully you and your family are doing ok. Step away from him and attend to yourself and your family's wellbeing. The issue with nebulous situationships is that usually one person is coasting along for sex and the other would like more so feelings get hurt. Perhaps this is a wake-up call that you were settling for less than you actually would like which is a supportive committed BF.
smackie9 Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 1 hour ago, lolipops010 said: I’ve been struggling with that. Every time I confronted him he would said no, that’s not how it is , blah blah blah. Do I believe him? Not 100%. He was very cautious, like he said, to try to make me feel like this is not just sex. We’ve been communicating about this so many times, and at one point I even offered that if this is just sexual, that’s okay too (it’s not like I’ve never had fwb before); we’re both adults and I just need to set up real expectations. He just won’t admit it. Didn't your mamma say men will do and say anything to get sex?
basil67 Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 3 hours ago, lolipops010 said: told him about the event as soon as it happened; his response was somehow lukewarm (“I’m really sorry, I’m sure it will be fine, I hope you are okay”). But tbh what more can I ask? The amount of sorrow could only be understood by close family members and ppl who have experienced the same thing. This isn't even close to a compassionate answer....he has the emotional intelligence of a rock. Any half decent platonic friend would deliver something more thoughtful. "How are you coping?" "How is (the person with the problem) going?" "Is the (person with the problem) getting adequate support" "I can't imagine how difficult this is for you" "If you need any support, please don't hesitate to ask" And frankly, just listen to you and validate your feelings. And don't get me started on "I'm sure it will be fine" Ugh How are you doing @lolipops010 Do you have genuine people around who can support you? 3
Author lolipops010 Posted December 16, 2023 Author Posted December 16, 2023 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: "How are you coping?" "How is (the person with the problem) going?" "Is the (person with the problem) getting adequate support" "I can't imagine how difficult this is for you" "If you need any support, please don't hesitate to ask" And frankly, just listen to you and validate your feelings. And don't get me started on "I'm sure it will be fine" Ugh Thank you for all these. That’s what I hoping to hear as well. Thankfully close friends and family were able to provide some support… It’s been a really tough few days, a lot of crying etc. His response is sort of a closed door - as in, I don’t feel comfortable to share more when I heard “I’m sure it will be fine.” The lack of compassion makes me painfully clear that he’s not able to, or not willing to, provide the support I need. And I don’t even have the capacity to argue for more at the moment. It’s utterly saddening…
basil67 Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 Yes, it's disappointing. But the silver lining is that you're getting a clearer picture of who he is, and with that, a better idea of whether he deserves a place in your life. You should break up with him, but you will have to prepare yourself for the "I wish you the best" as a response. This guy is really only a good time guy....he doesn't have the capacity/desire to be an allrounder. You will find much better than him in the future, I promise
Alpacalia Posted December 16, 2023 Posted December 16, 2023 (edited) I don't think it's so much about the words but the actions... or lack thereof. It's not like you are going through a rough day at work. This is serious, and he could potentially lose you all together. I just went through something similar with my best friend. My Dad had a stroke and almost died, and she barely reached out. This is someone I was friends with my ENTIRE LIFE and you can't pick up the phone to call? She has reached out several times since and honestly, it's just not the same. I've distanced myself from her. Like, I was there right by your side when both your mother and father passed away and years later you can't even be there emotionally? Screw that. You're going to have to crawl your way back into my life after that one. Sorry for your situation, truly. Actions speak louder. Good luck and you have my condolences for your family. Sometimes strangers can offer the best advice. *hugs I think this person may just not be a great match for genuine empathy. Some people experience the world differently and may genuinely struggle. Some people learn the best way to deal with stress is to make sure they cope with it privately before trying to cope with other people's overloads. Personally, I have zero tolerance for people who are not adept at empathizing, so I couldn't handle this any better personally. What I would tell you in this scenario is that unless this relationship is adding to your support net in some facet you cannot get elsewhere you should probably end it. I think the use of lukewarm in and of itself is probably an apt description of what many people would respond with, but some people religiously carry the same tones over to social conversation not even recognizing what was alright in one context may not be in another. If you want someone who can clearly articulate what they're thinking about and do not need it in order to bounce back your fortitude (let's say you can easily deal with your own emotions, but want a partner who can vocally express warmth), this relationship might be a bad (and not cold, maybe just not your type of warm) fit. Edited December 16, 2023 by Alpacalia 1
Author lolipops010 Posted December 16, 2023 Author Posted December 16, 2023 35 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Some people experience the world differently and may genuinely struggle. Some people learn the best way to deal with stress is to make sure they cope with it privately before trying to cope with other people's overloads. Thank you SO MUCH for the elaborate response, and thank you for sharing your own experience. I’m sorry that happened to you - it must be heartbreaking and feels like a betrayal. It seems like the person I’m seeing IS exactly what you described here. He’s very private about his sufferings and emotions. However, like you said, that’s not an excuse because everyone functions in a different way and he shouldn’t have assumed that I might cope in the same way as him. The lack of empathy/compassion perhaps is a wake up call for incompatibility. 1
ShyViolet Posted December 17, 2023 Posted December 17, 2023 You and him both sound really lukewarm about this relationship. You don't have much chemistry and are not right for each other. You know that. 7 hours ago, lolipops010 said: I know that he’s not the right person and I should look elsewhere, but every time I brought up about ending things (which has been quite often recently), he doesn’t want to let me go (for whatever reasons), yet does not want to move forward either. I'm sorry, what? Breaking up with someone is the one thing in a relationship that you can do without the other person's consent. You do not need his permission to end the relationship. You TELL him that this relationship is not working for you anymore and you end it. Take control of your life and don't let someone else hold you back in a situation that is a waste of your time. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted December 17, 2023 Posted December 17, 2023 Double the above: what the heck does his reaction have to do with breaking up?! The question is absurd. You break up because YOU want to break up, not because you have an agreement. You're acting like you're a parent of a little kid who is throwing a temper tantrum. But look, if you're going play the codependent bad-boundaries game, then dump all the family pain on him and tell him to shut up and listen and hug you and caress you as you go through your sadness and fear over the family crisis. You will need to tell him what to do! Tell him he can just shut up and listen and hug you and cook some meals for you and take care of you. But doesn't sound like you're comfortable asking for what you want. Your overall point is right: it's hard for sex friends to be the emotional rock we need in a crisis. So dump this guy.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 17, 2023 Posted December 17, 2023 I think he is deliberately witholding more emotional support for you, OP. I don't believe he's trying to be malicious, to be clear, but rather that he doesn't want you to seek emotional comfort from him. He doesn't want to play that role in your life so he's not extending any further support to you. You need to let go of him. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend. 4
Author lolipops010 Posted December 17, 2023 Author Posted December 17, 2023 4 hours ago, ShyViolet said: You and him both sound really lukewarm about this relationship. You don't have much chemistry and are not right for each other. You know that. You’re right, I’m also lukewarm because I mirror his energy. I tried to be warm before but what I got was so cold… hence I decided to stay safe and keep it lukewarm. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to end things and bringing up ending things to threaten him to stay… Toxic af, I know! It’s painful how clearly I’m aware but not able to break it free.
Author lolipops010 Posted December 17, 2023 Author Posted December 17, 2023 21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I don't believe he's trying to be malicious, to be clear, but rather that he doesn't want you to seek emotional comfort from him. He doesn't want to play that role in your life so he's not extending any further support to you. This hurts but it’s true.
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