Just need people to share my 'craziness' with

[tuvalu123]

I'm at a point where I don't know what else to do. I can't talk to anyone about it anymore either, I've already done too much. Just need some people who are willing to listen to me and understand me. 

It's now been 4 months since I ended my situationship of 1.5 years. It was slightly toxic and I was the one who was miserable most of the time. He described himself as a relationship anarchist, yet there were no rules to our situation. There was only one thing I asked him to do: to let me know as soon as he met another woman he wanted more than just friendship with. He said he would, but in the end he broke this agreement anyway. He started something with another woman and I only found out because I addressed it directly. He is now in a relationship with this person and unfortunately they are all over social media. She's in the public eye and I know he's liked her for a long time and I'm sure he's done everything he could to get to her. And all this against the backdrop of him repeatedly telling me that he didn't want a relationship with anyone and didn't know if he would ever be ready again. This was mainly due to the fact that he is a relationship anarchist and his depression. 

All in all, a very painful experience for me. I stayed away from social media for 2 months after the breakup but now I'm back on it and I see all this and it just hurts. He defends her on social media because she is being attacked there very harshly by misogynistic men who are launching a large-scale, anti-feminist bullying and hate campaign against her. I think what's happening to her is terrible and as a feminist I stand in solidarity with her. But to see how he stands up for her and what he does for her, it really hurts.

I've had the experience several times in my life that men didn't want to be in a committed relationship with me. That they were usually grieving another ex or actually found other women better than me. Because of these experiences, I consistently feel like I'm never good enough: too old, too ugly, too uninteresting, too whatever. And this shitty feeling, which is a mixture of envy, jealousy, loneliness, anger, disappointment, fear and sadness, is killing me. I can't get over it because my experiences are repeating themselves (since my first relationship at 20) and I haven't had any positive experiences in my relationships. I'm very afraid now that I'm in my mid-40s that I won't be able to find anyone for a stable, secure relationship (commitment). I'm on dating apps but it's not going well at all. No man is really interested in me in the long term.

I am in therapy and reflect a lot, have recognized many of my (sometimes toxic) patterns and also suspect that I have at least one behavioral disorder. However, all my findings do not help me get rid of these bad feelings and feel happy. Somehow, looking back, I have the impression that I have never been truly happy. That's what I want and I want to get rid of these ugly feelings and finally be able to come to terms with the last experience.

An additional problem is that him and I are active in two different political organizations that occasionally work together. I have a trial (transformative justice like) going on there now so he and I don't meet. It's about some of his toxic behaviors and his systematic approach in groups. Quite a lot happened and it's too complex to write about here, but he left a lot of scorched earth, not just for me, but for other people too. What I'm saying is, I'm still confronted with his presence and I won't be able to avoid him forever. In addition, I don't understand how a person who messed up so much, who hurt people, who didn't treat me well, can now be in a committed relationship with a person (who has at least two mental disorders themselves and possibly borderline) and gives her everything that he wasn't ready for before. That doesn't get into my head, can a person change like that in such a short time or is it simply that he loves her so much that he can do everything that he wasn't really capable of before?

You see I'm going around in circles here. How do I get out of this? Have you already experienced something like this? What do you do to cope with such experiences?

Edited December 14, 2023 by tuvalu123
mistakes

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, tuvalu123 said:

I stayed away from social media for 2 months after the breakup but now I'm back on it and I see all this and it just hurts. He defends her on social media because she is being attacked there very harshly by misogynistic men who are launching a large-scale, anti-feminist bullying and hate campaign against her. I think what's happening to her is terrible and as a feminist I stand in solidarity with her. But to see how he stands up for her and what he does for her, it really hurts.

Why have you not blocked him (and her for that matter) by now??  You don't have to stay off of social media entirely, there is this thing called the block feature and this is exactly what it is for.  You should not be letting all this garbage get into your head.

5 hours ago, tuvalu123 said:

I don't understand how a person who messed up so much, who hurt people, who didn't treat me well, can now be in a committed relationship with a person (who has at least two mental disorders themselves and possibly borderline) and gives her everything that he wasn't ready for before. That doesn't get into my head, can a person change like that in such a short time or is it simply that he loves her so much that he can do everything that he wasn't really capable of before?

You don't need to understand this.  It's not your job to make sense of it, and his relationship now is frankly none of your business.  I say that not to criticize you but to try to get you to understand that all you should be doing now is washing your hands of it and moving on with your life.  All you need to know is that he was toxic to you, and you couldn't be in a relationship with him.  You don't need to analyze WHY he's able to be in a relationship with someone else now.  It does not matter, it's not your concern, and you will never get an answer to that question, so stop wasting your energy searching for one.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, tuvalu123 said:

 4 months since I ended my situationship of 1.5 years. It was slightly toxic and I was the one who was miserable most of the time. He described himself as a relationship anarchist, 

Sorry this happened. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

He seems like a self important tool who packages his nonsense in cool-sounding lifestyles.

Don't worry about him or whoever he's with now. It's only a matter of time until he does a number on anyone unfortunate enough to get wrapped up in his nonsense. 

You dodged a bullet. Be grateful you are free of this situation. Please reflect how you got wrapped up in this Svengali-like situation 

Edited December 15, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, tuvalu123 said:

I'm very afraid now that I'm in my mid-40s that I won't be able to find anyone for a stable, secure relationship (commitment).

You won't, if you keep wasting time on grown-ass men who describe themselves as "relationship anarchists", like they're emo teenagers rebelling against the establishment. I would have laughed at him and shut the door in his face if he'd come at me with that. How juvenile. 

My point is that you appear to have known for a while that he didn't want a relationship with you. So why did this go on for 1.5 years? 

Edited December 15, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[tuvalu123]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Why have you not blocked him (and her for that matter) by now??  You don't have to stay off of social media entirely, there is this thing called the block feature and this is exactly what it is for.  You should not be letting all this garbage get into your head.

Honestly, I did block him. But as I said this s*** is all over social media. But you are right. The thing is leaving social media is the only chance to avoid it for the time being. 

Unfortunately, I won't be able to avoid him forever due to the fact described above. I will only be able to extend the period of time during which we will not meet.

[tuvalu123]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My point is that you appear to have known for a while that he didn't want a relationship with you. So why did this go on for 1.5 years? 

That's one of my patterns: in the past I've almost exclusively had relationships with toxic parts and I've always found it difficult to leave the situation. I was afraid of being alone and not finding anyone who wanted to be with me, no matter how little the men gave. A feeling of "better a bad relationship than none." Which is nonsense. I'm aware of this and want to change it in the future.  

[tuvalu123]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems like a self important tool who packages his nonsense in cool-sounding lifestyles.

Don't worry about him or whoever he's with now. It's only a matter of time until he does a number on anyone unfortunate enough to get wrapped up in his nonsense. 

You dodged a bullet. Be grateful you are free of this situation. Please reflect how you got wrapped up in this Svengali-like situation 

That's what my peeps and me think too. Only sometimes this icky feeling comes up that he can be a great partner. Because I also know his good sides. And this feeling makes me feel small and worthless. Because I've had it with all the men in my life so far. And I wonder what's wrong with me, every single time again and again. Although I'm aware that I've always chosen men who somehow had problems of their own. 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, tuvalu123 said:

Because I've had it with all the men in my life so far. And I wonder what's wrong with me, every single time again and again. Although I'm aware that I've always chosen men who somehow had problems of their own. 

I would say "what's wrong" with you is (1) how you view yourself, and (2) your choice in men.  Your therapy should be helping you figure out why you repeatedly choose men who make you feel bad.  That's a reflection of the way you feel about yourself, what you feel you do or don't deserve.  Realize that you have the power to make choices in your life, don't feel like a victim of circumstances.  

This guy sounds like a mess, certainly not a great partner.  What you see on social media is what he chooses to present.  You don't know what goes on behind closed doors in his current relationship.  

 

[d0nnivain]

The fact that you recognize the pattern is the 1st step in breaking it.  Promise yourself that you will hold out for a relationship because you deserve to be happy.  

Blocking him and her on social media should help a bit.  It's tougher when somebody is a public figure but try.  

Keep yourself busy.  That will help to distract you.  If you include exercise as a way to keep busy you get added health benefits. 

You are in politics so you understand putting on a good face & you should have a thick skin.  That will help you when you have no choice but to deal with them at work.  Try to avoid them when possible without compromising your job. 

[tuvalu123]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You are in politics so you understand putting on a good face & you should have a thick skin.  That will help you when you have no choice but to deal with them at work.  Try to avoid them when possible without compromising your job. 

not politics like in liberal politics, but more radical. Our organizations are not workplaces, but rather non-governmental organizations in the broadest sense. We are both voluntary, unpaid activists because we believe in a certain political ideology or represent a certain political philosophy. I won't mention which one, but it has nothing to do with the state. And within our groups there is no need to put on a happy face or mask. That's why I decided to take the road of a process where our organizations negotiate how much space I can claim. Mine is interested in helping me with my problem. But as I said it is impossible for me to avoid him forever. Although I would prefer that! I hope this helps with understanding the circumstances.

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, tuvalu123 said:

And all this against the backdrop of him repeatedly telling me that he didn't want a relationship with anyone and didn't know if he would ever be ready again. This was mainly due to the fact that he is a relationship anarchist and his depression. 

 

20 hours ago, tuvalu123 said:

, I don't understand how a person who messed up so much, who hurt people, who didn't treat me well, can now be in a committed relationship with a person (who has at least two mental disorders themselves and possibly borderline) and gives her everything that he wasn't ready for before.

I've found that when men say that they don't want a relationship they really mean they don't want one with you.  Everyone wants love.  I agree that the best way to get over him is to stay off social media, block him everywhere and stay as busy as possible.  You should bring it up to your therapist that you are struggling with this and why you have a fear of being alone.

[d0nnivain]

If you have no obligation to be with your group (e.g. it's not a paid job) do stake your space but find ways to be involved that don't involve direct interaction with them.  It is possible.  

[tuvalu123]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

I've found that when men say that they don't want a relationship they really mean they don't want one with you.  Everyone wants love.  I agree that the best way to get over him is to stay off social media, block him everywhere and stay as busy as possible.  You should bring it up to your therapist that you are struggling with this and why you have a fear of being alone.

I totally agree. But I also think that he is not capable of a stable and committed relationship, at least one how I wanted it. And I never said I wanted this with him. Especially regarding his inability to reflect on things. I know my story sound as if I wanted this with him but he was, how do you say, a fixer-upper-guy. And we have an age gap of nearly 12 years. Therefore it should be easier to let go. But it is not because feelings were involved and we had some sort of friendship as well. And we even participated in political work together. It's complex as I said. 
I would also say he has some mental problems that he refused to work on. 

Edited December 15, 2023 by tuvalu123
missing word

[mark clemson]

On 12/14/2023 at 10:30 AM, tuvalu123 said:

 I don't understand how a person who messed up so much, who hurt people, who didn't treat me well, can now be in a committed relationship with a person (who has at least two mental disorders themselves and possibly borderline) and gives her everything that he wasn't ready for before. That doesn't get into my head, can a person change like that in such a short time or is it simply that he loves her so much that he can do everything that he wasn't really capable of before?

 

People do change over time, and sometimes players and perhaps even "relationship anarchists" decide to settle down (or at least try to).

However, assuming what you say about him is accurate, I wouldn't be too worried as they are probably both pretty dysfunctional (relationship-wise) and a "turbulent break up" is likely coming sooner or later.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, tuvalu123 said:

I totally agree. But I also think that he is not capable of a stable and committed relationship, at least one how I wanted it. And I never said I wanted this with him. Especially regarding his inability to reflect on things. I know my story sound as if I wanted this with him but he was, how do you say, a fixer-upper-guy. And we have an age gap of nearly 12 years. Therefore it should be easier to let go. But it is not because feelings were involved and we had some sort of friendship as well. And we even participated in political work together. It's complex as I said. 
I would also say he has some mental problems that he refused to work on. 

Yes, you wrote as if your feelings were involved because of the way you feel about his new relationship.   That is why I assumed you wanted a relationship with him, but he didn't want one ever and then ended up in a relationship with another woman.  By the comments you made in the bolded part above you don't seem to have a lot of respect for this guy and he's toxic to you.  Since you don't want a relationship with him why are you bothered that he's in one now?

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, tuvalu123 said:

it is impossible for me to avoid him forever. 

It may be impossible to avoid him forever if you run into each other in your volunteer work. However, you could make this a lot easier on yourself if you delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.  

Please focus on your own wellbeing and mental and physical health. 

Reconnect with friends and family, join some groups and clubs, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. In other words broaden your social horizons outside of volunteering where he's involved. 

Try to deemphasize his importance. He may be "mentally ill", a cad, a jerk or whatever, but please try to disconnect as much as possible. 

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're experiencing what sounds like long-term depression, but glad to hear you're getting support through therapy. The guy you've described, the latest one to dismiss you as partner material, sounds like a total knob. Spouts a load of anti-relationship horse dung but then gets into a relationship. Crusades for causes but treats friends and colleagues with callous disregard. Absolute and utter wanker. The problem here is not him, or other douches you got involved with, but what's going on with you that you form attachments to people who couldn't care less about you, but I guess you'll be covering that with your therapist. Anyway, your question is has anyone experienced this, and yes, I did when I was about your age. I won't bore you with details, but certainly I experienced some of the feelings you describe. As to how you cope with it, you don't really have a choice, you just get on with it. I did, I resentfully, (bitterly might be more accurate ), became a workaholic and focused on building financial security for myself. The worst part is when you get past the age of having children and have to accept that it won't be happening, and I would say to any single woman approaching that age to seriously consider single parenthood if you really want kids because it's no picnic 20 years down the track when you have to watch your friends with their grandchildren and be happy for them while you feel like your nose is being rubbed in your loss of that privilege every single day. Choosing selfish, emotionally immature men is a very difficult habit to break, mainly because they hide their true self until you're involved with them, and I guess the best you hope for is that you learn to recognise them early and get rid of them before they do too much damage. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

If you have no obligation to be with your group (e.g. it's not a paid job) do stake your space but find ways to be involved that don't involve direct interaction with them.  It is possible.  

OP. is the above possible for you to do so you don't have to see him again?

[tuvalu123]

47 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes, you wrote as if your feelings were involved because of the way you feel about his new relationship.   That is why I assumed you wanted a relationship with him, but he didn't want one ever and then ended up in a relationship with another woman.  By the comments you made in the bolded part above you don't seem to have a lot of respect for this guy and he's toxic to you.  Since you don't want a relationship with him why are you bothered that he's in one now?

I would say that's also one of my unhealthy patterns: I might think this guy is not right for me, even feel it, but still feel bad that I was not worth committing to. And I don't mean a committed relationship (I know this sounds confusing ). I don't want to feel like this and I also feel some kind of toxic shame but I can't just hit a button to stop feeling like this. I don't have any idea where this comes from, maybe my childhood. 
 

I do respect some parts of his being and acting. No person is only bad or good. I wouldn't even use those terms to describe a person. He is a human being who failed as a lover, friend. That's sad and I grieve this part of our relationship. What I don't respect is how he behaved and still does. Not him as a human being. But it's true for me his behavior was toxic.

Is this helpful?

[tuvalu123]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

OP. is the above possible for you to do so you don't have to see him again?

No, under no circumstances will I give up my commitment. He's not going to take this space away from me. Especially in view of the fact that he presents himself as extremely feminist. My activism means a lot me. I love my people and the topics I work on are very important to me.

I already vanished online (lost my network there), I will not do the same to my activism offline.

Sorry if I misunderstand some statements or questions or don't formulate them well, I'm not a native speaker. 

Edited December 15, 2023 by tuvalu123
missing words

[tuvalu123]

14 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 

People do change over time, and sometimes players and perhaps even "relationship anarchists" decide to settle down (or at least try to).

However, assuming what you say about him is accurate, I wouldn't be too worried as they are probably both pretty dysfunctional (relationship-wise) and a "turbulent break up" is likely coming sooner or later.

You know, I think that he never had to change. I rather think that he always wanted a relationship but with the "right" person. I never thought that he wouldn't want it. He always claimed that he was in love with his best female friend. But it didn't work out. So he wore this "love" before him like a shield. He mentioned it from the beginning. And we thought if she would have given in they would have been in a relationship.

Now he is where he wants to be: with a young woman who needs him, who is attractive and a feminist herself. He can be her white knight in a shiny armor. Good for him I don't envy their relationship. Good for them. I even think they are a much better fit than him and I could ever have been. He never bothered to understand what kind of person I am, let alone what kind of woman I am.

 I was the "in between" person between his last relationship and now where he was super jealous. That's what he told me. But no reflection on this problem, no processing of his jealousy. I mean changing problematic behavior in the sense that this feeling, in its extreme form, usually has deeper causes in one's own biography or in one's own emotional state. Everything is human, everything that can be worked on and changed.

How their relationship will work out is none of my business, it should not be. That's where you all are right. I have my own struggles. But what will not get to my head is that he never cared how other people suffered because of his behavior. He never apologized to me for this shitty behavior in the end or over the 1.5 years. And when he did his depressions were his apology. He even lied to his organization about his behavior. And if you think about how he presents himself to the outside world, there's a big gap between how he perceives himself and how others perceive him. But you all are right when you say that I'll never understand that. He's like that and maybe he'll get to the point where he can reflect on his actions. I wish he would. So far, I haven't seen anything of that. And I'm not the only person with this impression.

[NuevoYorko]

Once you accepted him as a self-proclaimed "relationship anarchist,"  I would think you'd be prepared for any manner of shenanigans.  

I'm sorry you're feeling  so badly about all of this, and understand why, but unfortunately the best advice has already been given:  delete, block, unfriend.  

As long as you're not willing to do this and are still investing in trying to analyze him,  ruminating about his failure to apologize to you,  how he represents to his organization and the world at large - you are going to stay stuck where you are.

[ShyViolet]

You are spending way too much of your energy trying to analyze him, trying to go over and over the things he's done, fixating on the fact that he didn't "apologize".  This is not going to get you anywhere.  It's not your place to analyze him.  You need to detach yourself from this.  

If you happen to run into him then simply don't talk to him and walk away, that's it.  There's nothing more that needs to be said.

[stillafool]

On 12/16/2023 at 6:46 AM, tuvalu123 said:

But what will not get to my head is that he never cared how other people suffered because of his behavior. He never apologized to me for this shitty behavior in the end or over the 1.5 years. And when he did his depressions were his apology. He even lied to his organization about his behavior. And if you think about how he presents himself to the outside world, there's a big gap between how he perceives himself and how others perceive him. But you all are right when you say that I'll never understand that. He's like that and maybe he'll get to the point where he can reflect on his actions. I wish he would. So far, I haven't seen anything of that. And I'm not the only person with this impression.

Most people never reflect on their actions and are completely unaware that they are hurting people, or just don't care.  You're wasting your time expecting and wishing for an apology and for him to admit he treated you badly for 1.5  years.  He won't believe you because you stuck around him for 1.5 years accepting his behavior even though you weren't his girlfriend.  The lesson here is when someone is disrespectful and not treating you the way you desire is to not engage with that person.