Social media

[Helicon5]

My gf hates that I have many women on my social media page even though I've sat her down and we went through my entire friends list together and I deleted (right in front of her) whomever she wanted to delete that she thought looked 'promiscuous' in her eyes. Most of them I've never spoken with and had forgotten I even had them as friends. Being a musician I have met many people (guys and women) just from being out and about. I only have a couple of people I can call 'friends'. 99.9% of them are just band friends and others are just acquaintances. I've added many people over the years when I was single (just as a stature thing, wallpaper (if you will), not to hit up on). I've NEVER hit on any woman on my friends list, even when I was single. Gods honest truth. I am NOT a cheater and never have been my whole life. I absolutely despise cheaters with a passion and she knows that. Anyway, after I deleted them she said 'I didn't ask you to do that'. I was like 'are you flipping' kidding me'? It did tick me off that she said that. I told her I did it to show her that I don't give a crap about social media and who's on my page. I don't talk with ANYONE anymore, hardly even the only close guy guitarist friend I have that used to hangout with a lot. Her and I have been together for a year and a half, but the subject still comes up at times and we get in arguments over it. Here's the kicker. Even though she only has a fraction of the friends on social media that I have she still gets guys hitting her up her and there. Mostly old guy friends from her high school days that want to reconnect. I don't get ANY women hitting me up in social media.... EVER...and I've told her that a million times. Even when I was single I didn't. The women I met, I met while out performing, not on social media or dating sites. I will admit I don have concerns about guys friends she may still be talking with, but I'm really not overly concerned. I do trust her for the most part. It's just that we go down the wrong path with our arguments where bad things are said and it raises doubts about where we're headed as a couple. She'll say things like 'if we're still together', but then tells me she doesn't want anyone else, she wants things to work between us and she wants this to be her last relationship (since we're both older and have been around the block with relationships). We haven't added anyone to our friends list in months and NEVER post anything either. She's not really into social media all that much and doesn't like anyone's pics or posts (except family). One thing I appreciate about her is that she doesn't put herself 'out there' when it comes to social media. I suggested to her if she's so concerned about who I have on my page we can give each other our logons (to be fair), but she doesn't want to do that. We've gotten into a million arguments over this. What's the catch? Why wouldn't she want to do that if it would ease her concerns? I certainly have nothing to hide.

Is it about her pride or does she just like having this to hang over my head for some reason? We spend a lot of time together (a couple of nights during the week and Friday night - Sunday night), so it's not like either of us could get away with seeing anyone else. When we're not together we're both at home talking on the phone 3 times per night (right after we get off work in the afternoon, and every 2 hours afterwards until we say goodnight around 10pm and we also talk during our lunch hour every day.

Edited December 12, 2023 by Helicon5

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Helicon5 said:

. Her and I have been together for a year and a half, but the subject still comes up at times and we get in arguments over it.  It's just that we go down the wrong path with our arguments where bad things are said and it raises doubts about where we're headed as a couple. She'll say things like 'if we're still together', 

Unfortunately the social media conflict seems to be a symptom of bigger issues and a chronic power struggle. Please try to reflect on what the real issues are as far as trust and trying to police each other. You seem to be at war and social media is the weapon of choice. 

 

Edited December 12, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

Honestly, this all sounds exhausting ... social media policing and the level of contact the two of you have.  What's with the talking on the phone 3x per night and on lunch hours too?  Too much!  

[basil67]

This time last year, you wrote the same story.  So she’s still doing it and you’re still going along with it.

You say you’ve argued many times over this.  Do you realise that by doing as she wants, you’re reinforcing her behaviour?  You deleting people makes her feel good, but only for a while and so she does it again for the next feel good.
 

Have you ever thought of telling her that you’re not going to discuss it anymore?  And if she tries to make another argument, hang up the phone or leave her house (or ask her to leave yours)

[d0nnivain]

As a musician, the only way you make money is if people listen to your music, come to your performances & buy your stuff.  Any modern marketing scheme requires a social media presence.   If she can't accept that, you may have to acknowledge that she is hurting your bottom line with her jealousy.  Especially if she is using her social media to stay in touch with EXs the double standard is unacceptable. 

[FMW]

I've been in a relationship with a professional musician for over 4 years.  Having thousands of "friends" and followers on Facebook is part of being a musician, it's part of the business, as @d0nnivain pointed out.  

My boyfriend does get hit on frequently, both on social media and in person (and he's a lot older than you I'm sure!).  That comes with the territory , and if she's going to be in a relationship with a musician, she needs to accept it.  It sounds like you've gone out of your way to assure her you have no interest in other women.  As long as you have given her no reason to think otherwise, she needs to trust you and deal with her insecurities on her own and stay in her lane when it comes to your music.  

 

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Helicon5 said:

I suggested to her if she's so concerned about who I have on my page we can give each other our logons (to be fair), but she doesn't want to do that. We've gotten into a million arguments over this. What's the catch? Why wouldn't she want to do that if it would ease her concerns? I certainly have nothing to hide.

Is it about her pride or does she just like having this to hang over my head for some reason? 

Maybe she enjoys the flirting and wants it to continue. In that case, she wouldn't want you logging into her account and cramping her style. That's my guess. I once had a boyfriend who had me jumping through hoops to prove my faithfulness to him. I never once cheated on him or even contemplated it. But my words and actions were never enough. Later, I would learn that he was cheating on me for much of the time that we were together. So I tend to be skeptical about situations like the one you describe.

Let's set all that aside, though, because I don't know your girlfriend and I may be wrong. Let's assume she's faithful but insecure. The problem is, even in that scenario, your dynamic is unhealthy. If someone is determined to think you will cheat, there's nothing you can do to prove your integrity to them. So stop trying to prove you're faithful. Tell her that what she sees is what she gets. If she can't find it in her heart to trust you and accept you as you are, fortunately, she's not a prisoner. She is free to walk away and look for the right man for her.

[ShyViolet]

Your relationship has very deep problems and it's clear that you both don't trust each other.  It's not normal to feel this constant need to police each other's social media accounts.  There's no way I would ever let a partner make me sit down with them and go through my social media friends list, deleting people that make them uncomfortable, or offer to share passwords.  That is absolutely ridiculous.  If you can't trust each other like adults then you shouldn't be together.  This relationship is probably not going to last very long.