Insecure boyfriend

[Commanders16]

Hi everyone!

I'm starting to feel pretty uncomfortable with how close my girlfriend is getting with a guy she used to have a 'thing' with. I don't really know how to best approach the whole situation and it's slowly making me feel like a third wheel in my own damn relationship. 

They used to be insanely close. Pretty much best friends. However, for one reason or another, they never ended up dating one another. Despite sharing strong feelings. It's not like my girlfriend friendzoned him or anything though in the past because they have slept together multiple times. 

Now, it's a couple of years into our relationship, and they are friends again. It's just making me feel super uneasy. Whenever I bring this topic up to my girlfriend she promises me he has changed and if anything, she instantly defends him. 

I'm worried it's going to turn me into a controlling boyfriend, or....yeah, the other outcome. 

Looking for someone to speak with about this mess please!!

P.S if nothing makes sense, please ask any questions for any further context. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Commanders16 said:

Whenever I bring this topic up to my girlfriend she promises me he has changed and if anything, she instantly defends him. 

Quick clarification:   When she says he's changed, what was happening before and how has he allegedly changed since then?   What accusations is she defending him from?

[Commanders16]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Quick clarification:   When she says he's changed, what was happening before and how has he allegedly changed since then?   What accusations is she defending him from?

He used to be incredibly possessive over her (even though they weren't dating) and she has promised me it's completely platonic between them now. He's just walking bad news in my opinion. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Commanders16 said:

they have slept together multiple times. , it's a couple of years into our relationship, and they are friends again. me into a controlling boyfriend, or...

She seems to be into him. They not "friends", they're FWB. Are they hanging out? Texting? Yeah, she'll paint you as the controlling BF because she's thirty for male attention and she knows he's willing to sleep with her. Step way back. Don't act jealous,  just observe. 

[Commanders16]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems to be into him. They not "friends", they're FWB. Are they hanging out? Texting? Yeah, she'll paint you as the controlling BF because she's thirty for male attention and she knows he's willing to sleep with her. Step way back. Don't act jealous,  just observe. 

Yeah, I'm trying taking a backseat at the moment and not intervening unless I feel like I absolutely have to!

[basil67]

Thanks for the clarification - I understand your concerns.   Honestly, no reasonable person is going to be OK with their partner being super close to an ex FWB, especially one who was possessive.   I would say that the level of concern you have should reflect how often they speak or meet up.    The more they talk, the worse it is.  

It's good that you've raised it because you now know where she stands.   It seems clear that she's not going to walk away from whatever she has with this guy (and nor should you make her) but that doesn't mean you should accept it.   Look at what's happening, look at her response and make a stay or go decision for yourself.   

And if you decide to end it and she then changes her mind about him, tell her that it's too late.  Tell her that she should have listened to you before it got to this point

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Commanders16 said:

Yeah, I'm trying taking a backseat at the moment and not intervening unless I feel like I absolutely have to!

For the record, intervening is when you become the controlling boyfriend.   Which is why I suggest simply choosing what's right for you

[Commanders16]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Thanks for the clarification - I understand your concerns.   Honestly, no reasonable person is going to be OK with their partner being super close to an ex FWB, especially one who was possessive.   I would say that the level of concern you have should reflect how often they speak or meet up.    The more they talk, the worse it is.  

It's good that you've raised it because you now know where she stands.   It seems clear that she's not going to walk away from whatever she has with this guy (and nor should you make her) but that doesn't mean you should accept it.   Look at what's happening, look at her response and make a stay or go decision for yourself.   

And if you decide to end it and she then changes her mind about him, tell her that it's too late.  Tell her that she should have listened to you before it got to this point

It's one of those cliche situations where I trust my girlfriend. I just don't trust the guy in the slightest. Makes it difficult for me to find narrow ground. 

I'm not thinking of ending things. But I'm pretty certain something has to change before the situation gets carried away. 

[Commanders16]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

For the record, intervening is when you become the controlling boyfriend.   Which is why I suggest simply choosing what's right for you

It's the last thing I want to do. Unless I really feel like I HAVE to say something to my girlfriend or the dude. 

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Commanders16 said:

It's one of those cliche situations where I trust my girlfriend. I just don't trust the guy in the slightest. Makes it difficult for me to find narrow ground. 

I'm not thinking of ending things. But I'm pretty certain something has to change before the situation gets carried away. 

You realise that if you have them to stop the friendship, she's going to have lingering resentment?   Honestly though, if your girlfriend can't see that the closeness of their friendship is a problem, then you shouldn't be trusting her either.  

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Honestly though, if your girlfriend can't see that the closeness of their friendship is a problem, then you shouldn't be trusting her either.  

I agree. The situation suggests to me that she may enjoy the attention of orbiters, OP.

In addition, OP, think about how your girlfriend would feel if it were you palling around with a former FWB and close friend. I strongly suspect she wouldn't be tolerant.

[ShyViolet]

She clearly enjoys the attention she gets from him, whether she is honest about that or not.  You cannot control the actions of other people, you can only control your own actions.  Demanding that they don't spend time together is not likely to work.  There is nothing left to do here but to decide whether this situation is acceptable to you or not.  If it's not, you walk away from the relationship and give yourself a chance to find a girl who's not going to play games like this.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Commanders16 said:

I trust my girlfriend. I just don't trust the guy in the slightest.

She is the main problem here, though. Not him. 

You wouldn't have to worry about him if she had appropriate boundaries. She doesn't. This other guy can't couldn't cause problems if she were keeping her distance, which is exactly what she should be doing in a situation like this. She is failing to do so. 

Re-evaluate who you have as a girlfriend here. She's not behaving in ways that protect the integrity of your relationship. She is walking bad news. 

[Alpacalia]

Remaining friends with someone of the opposite sex while in a relationship after having a sexual relationship is very different from 4 year friends.

Of course you would feel uneasy about her maintaining a close relationship with someone she used to sleep with. Many would struggle to feel entirely at ease in that scenario.

So yes, while her relationship with this guy may have been purely platonic now, the sexual history between her and this guy triggers feelings of jealousy or insecurity in you. And that is completely valid and understandable. You are not a controlling boyfriend for feeling this way, it is a normal and natural response.

When the “friendship” starts to take precedence over your relationship that's where the issue manifest itself more specifically. It's quite different between maintaining some paper-thin social media “friendship,” versus maintaining an actual, intimate friendship with an ex lover. She has to look at it from another angle, yours, if she wants to keep you in her life.

Reapproach calmly, without attacking, and refrain from judgment or condescension. Listen closely to understand her perspective. Be aware that questions arising from insecurity or anger she will sense and make her defensive. But genuine curiosity can encourage her to be more open and honest if you truly seek to understand her viewpoint. Then tell her how you FEEL.

You're not going overboard or unreasonably "jealous" – you're simply being honest.

Naturally, if you find that she holds different values, desires different things, or perceives your entirely valid concerns as unreasonable jealousy, it may be time to move on.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Commanders16 said:

I really feel like I HAVE to say something to my girlfriend or the dude. 

There's nothing to say to him. She seems to like the attention of guys orbiting her. That's her issue, not his. However even your description of being a third wheel in your own relationship is something to reflect on.  "My best friend is my FWB"? C'mon you know better than that. 

Edited December 10, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

Women who value their relationship tend to establish appropriate boundaries with other men. The fact that she’s not doing that is a problem for you - and rightfully so. You have every right to talk with her and ask her to change her behavior - how she responds will tell you everything about which man/which relationship is her priority. He is not the problem here - although, one could say that he is also not respecting relationship boundaries. As was said above, he is only a problem because she fails to keep her distance and maintain an appropriate boundary. She is the problem here, and you will need to deal with that or let this relationship go. 

Edited December 10, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Drop all the insecurity about raising this issue and holding onto the issue. You are under no obligation to PRETEND that you feel reassured by gf's words. Pretending to be reassured (or avoiding the entire topic with her) is the sign of insecurity here, not making clear you don't feel safe.  Super confident guys in this situation wouldn't spend a minute pretending to feel OK, or actively avoiding this topic. No, if they can't quickly get reassured, they would walk!

If you can't honestly tell her that you don't feel reassured, then you guys don't have a meaningful connection. Instead, you're in a high-school (or even middle-school) relationship where you think you have to wear certain kinds of shoes and listen to certain kinds of music and avoid certain nerdy kids in order to keep the other person's interest.

In order to stand up for yourself, you have to be willing to walk away from the relationship. Walk away for real, not walk away as a threat-tactic to get her to change. And in order to be willing to walk away, you have to know that you have a great life and will go onto meet other great people without this particular woman in your life.

 

 

 

 

 

[Commanders16]

On 12/10/2023 at 3:12 AM, Acacia98 said:

I agree. The situation suggests to me that she may enjoy the attention of orbiters, OP.

In addition, OP, think about how your girlfriend would feel if it were you palling around with a former FWB and close friend. I strongly suspect she wouldn't be tolerant.

IF you are correct here, is it potentially dangerous she enjoys attention from him? 
It’s hard for me to answer because I don’t have someone in my past like my girlfriend does with this guy. She is my only ever sexual partner. 

[Commanders16]

18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is the main problem here, though. Not him. 

You wouldn't have to worry about him if she had appropriate boundaries. She doesn't. This other guy can't couldn't cause problems if she were keeping her distance, which is exactly what she should be doing in a situation like this. She is failing to do so. 

Re-evaluate who you have as a girlfriend here. She's not behaving in ways that protect the integrity of your relationship. She is walking bad news. 

Yeah, that’s an accurate point. I’ll admit I am focusing on him more than I should be! 

[Commanders16]

15 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Remaining friends with someone of the opposite sex while in a relationship after having a sexual relationship is very different from 4 year friends.

Of course you would feel uneasy about her maintaining a close relationship with someone she used to sleep with. Many would struggle to feel entirely at ease in that scenario.

So yes, while her relationship with this guy may have been purely platonic now, the sexual history between her and this guy triggers feelings of jealousy or insecurity in you. And that is completely valid and understandable. You are not a controlling boyfriend for feeling this way, it is a normal and natural response.

When the “friendship” starts to take precedence over your relationship that's where the issue manifest itself more specifically. It's quite different between maintaining some paper-thin social media “friendship,” versus maintaining an actual, intimate friendship with an ex lover. She has to look at it from another angle, yours, if she wants to keep you in her life.

Reapproach calmly, without attacking, and refrain from judgment or condescension. Listen closely to understand her perspective. Be aware that questions arising from insecurity or anger she will sense and make her defensive. But genuine curiosity can encourage her to be more open and honest if you truly seek to understand her viewpoint. Then tell her how you FEEL.

You're not going overboard or unreasonably "jealous" – you're simply being honest.

Naturally, if you find that she holds different values, desires different things, or perceives your entirely valid concerns as unreasonable jealousy, it may be time to move on.

Thank you for understanding how I feel about this situation. That’s actually really strong advice and it’s the steps I am trying to take at the moment. Sure, I’ll admit to being jealous and insecure, but there’s nothing wrong with admitting that. I feel like we can both find common ground with this situation if me and my girlfriend are being completely honest to one another. 

[Commanders16]

On 12/10/2023 at 12:58 AM, Commanders16 said:

Hi everyone!

I'm starting to feel pretty uncomfortable with how close my girlfriend is getting with a guy she used to have a 'thing' with. I don't really know how to best approach the whole situation and it's slowly making me feel like a third wheel in my own damn relationship. 

They used to be insanely close. Pretty much best friends. However, for one reason or another, they never ended up dating one another. Despite sharing strong feelings. It's not like my girlfriend friendzoned him or anything though in the past because they have slept together multiple times. 

Now, it's a couple of years into our relationship, and they are friends again. It's just making me feel super uneasy. Whenever I bring this topic up to my girlfriend she promises me he has changed and if anything, she instantly defends him. 

I'm worried it's going to turn me into a controlling boyfriend, or....yeah, the other outcome. 

Looking for someone to speak with about this mess please!!

P.S if nothing makes sense, please ask any questions for any further context. 

Just wanted to say thanks for all the responses on this so far. It’s genuinely been helpful to me as I’m not the best when it comes to expressing my feelings.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Good luck @Commanders16. Many of us go through moments like the one you're going through right now. 

[Commanders16]

Just now, Lotsgoingon said:

Good luck @Commanders16. Many of us go through moments like the one you're going through right now. 

Thank you so much!

[CaliforniaGirl]

My take is: if they had wanted to get together, they would have. They had plenty of opportunity. They didn't. Some people are just very close but never quite cross the "friends" thing.

[Gaeta]

Don't misinterprete alerts with insecurities.

You feeling like a 3rd wheel in a relationship is not insecurity, it's an inner alert that your gf is doing something she's not suppose to do. 

Would that behavior be acceptable for your brother or sister? If your sister came to you worried that her bf is back to being besties with his ex fwb would you tell her that's alright? I hope not. 

It does not mean she will cheat on you but it's certainly an innapropriate behavior on her part.