SunnySide0418 Posted December 8, 2023 Share Posted December 8, 2023 After a year and a half of no contact my ex bf of 3yrs and I have decided to try again. That we still love each other and are looking to try for a fresh start. My question is how do I get past that he's had another relationship during that time? I know he wasn't wrong and I had a relationship as well but how to deal with knowing he was with someone else. Like the sex. Thinking about it bothers me .. please let me know your thoughts. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 8, 2023 Share Posted December 8, 2023 Why? You were having sex with someone else too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 8, 2023 Share Posted December 8, 2023 33 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said: After a year and a half of no contact my ex bf of 3yrs and I have decided to try again. What was the breakup about? How long ago did he break up with his last relationship? Are you concerned he contacted you because he's on the rebound from that? Have whatever issues that caused the breakup resolved? Is this the same man?: Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 8, 2023 Share Posted December 8, 2023 (edited) If you can't simply put that out of your mind, this reconciliation is doomed. Try thinking of him as a new person in your life. You wouldn't dwell on the fact that he had partners before you so what your EX did for that 1.5 years is equally unimportant (as long as he practiced safe sex & did not expose you to potential health hazards like STDs) Edited December 8, 2023 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 8, 2023 Share Posted December 8, 2023 Frankly I'd be more concerned about whatever broke you up before. Have you both resolved issues around that? Assuming that those things have been maturely and throughly dealt with - as far as other relationships; well, if you can't get past it you really should not get back together because you will quickly drag the whole thing down immediately. The relationships you both had when single have no place in a current relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySide0418 Posted December 8, 2023 Author Share Posted December 8, 2023 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: What was the breakup about? How long ago did he break up with his last relationship? Are you concerned he contacted you because he's on the rebound from that? Have whatever issues that caused the breakup resolved? Is this the same man?: Yes. Same man.. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 8, 2023 Share Posted December 8, 2023 Is your concern because this man developed feelings for another woman during your relationship - and then went on to have a relationship with that same woman? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted December 8, 2023 Share Posted December 8, 2023 Sorry, I have to be brutal because your post makes it sound like his feelings/needs are irrelevant to you. You were good for your first two years together, but then you messed him around because you "weren't sure about him". He got sick of that game and developed feelings for someone else. Now he's back, and it's bothering you that he was able to get over you and have a relationship with someone else. Why? What was he supposed to do, spend the rest of his life pining for you? I think this second-go relationship is going to go down the gurgler very quickly if you can't accept that he got over you and moved on. Of course, if the reason that you weren't sure about him the first time was that you didn't trust him, that's a different story, and I'd wonder why you'd go back for a second go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 8, 2023 Share Posted December 8, 2023 8 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said: After a year and a half of no contact my ex bf of 3yrs and I have decided to try again. That we still love each other and are looking to try for a fresh start. My question is how do I get past that he's had another relationship during that time? I know he wasn't wrong and I had a relationship as well but how to deal with knowing he was with someone else. Like the sex. Thinking about it bothers me .. please let me know your thoughts. Thanks! Why does it bother you? Serious question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 Yeah, your last post said you ended it with this guy due to his lack of finances. Why did you go back? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 16 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said: I know he wasn't wrong and I had a relationship as well but how to deal with knowing he was with someone else. Like the sex. Thinking about it bothers me .. please let me know your thoughts. Thanks! This sounds very natural. Who wants to think about someone they still love having sex with someone else. It’s not common for monogamous people. I suspect you are also insecure about this woman especially if he still works around her or you’re all in the same workplace. If he was in love with this woman of course it would bother you. He shared that with someone else and all this is too fresh, the timeline is too close. It does feel like one rebound after another. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted December 9, 2023 Share Posted December 9, 2023 Yes, it's natural to feel some jealousy when someone you were once in a relationship with moves on to someone else. Can't hold him to a different standard than you hold yourself, though. You also dated during your time apart. It sounds like you want him to always love you, and that if he doesn't (like wanting to be with someone else for instance) means you've lost his love and cannot get it back. The two of you were apart for a year and a half and both had other relationships shows that you were both living your lives and moving on. This is a healthy thing to do after a breakup. Is the reason you got back together because you both realized that you were still in love with each other? Or was it because of this jealousy and hurt you feel about him being with someone else? I would hope you figured that out before giving it another go. If it's the latter, you might want to explore why you're feeling this way. Is it because you feel like you missed out on something by not being with him during that time? Or is it because you feel like he won't love you as much after being with someone else? You also need to acknowledge that he was with someone else during that time, and that includes having sex with them. This can be difficult to accept, but it's a reality you need to come to terms with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySide0418 Posted December 10, 2023 Author Share Posted December 10, 2023 On 12/8/2023 at 6:42 PM, stillafool said: Yeah, your last post said you ended it with this guy due to his lack of finances. Why did you go back? Different guy. The lack of finances guy I was only dating the past 6 weeks. This is my ex bf of 3yrs whom I haven't spoken to in a year and a half. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 10, 2023 Share Posted December 10, 2023 Were you celibate the 1.5 years that you were apart? If not, then there is a bit of hypocrisy going on here Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted December 10, 2023 Share Posted December 10, 2023 Look, we don't date virgins any more. That's gone. Your mind shouldn't be on the sex he had with someone else. If that's where your mind is, then don't date this. I'm sensing this relationship (or reconciliation) is not good for you. The whole point of reconciling is that each person feels wonderful about being with the other. If your mind is focused on his sex life then you shoudn't be reconciling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 10, 2023 Share Posted December 10, 2023 On 12/8/2023 at 8:01 AM, SunnySide0418 said: I know he wasn't wrong and I had a relationship as well but how to deal with knowing he was with someone else. Like the sex. Thinking about it bothers me .. Is it because the woman he was having sex with is younger than you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnySide0418 Posted December 11, 2023 Author Share Posted December 11, 2023 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Is it because the woman he was having sex with is younger than you? Haha. No. She's only a couple years younger. I'd feel that way no matter who it was. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 11, 2023 Share Posted December 11, 2023 On 12/8/2023 at 8:01 AM, SunnySide0418 said: we still love each other and are looking to try for a fresh start. My question is how do I get past that he's had another relationship during that time? This is definitely a complication of on/off relationships. In addition to whatever the breakup was about, now there are additional issues. Such as what happened during the off time. So unfortunately although "fresh start" is a goal, you two have a history and now add this to the mix. It's not unusual for reconcilation to be beset with exactly these issues. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 11, 2023 Share Posted December 11, 2023 You were broken up. that means he can have sex with whoever he wants. You were doing what you wanted. why would that be a problem? That reality when anyone breaks up. Link to post Share on other sites
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