Is he trying to fool around with me?

[CherokeeTeaRose]

Hi all I'm new at this so bear with me, here is my story.

 

Ok so my husband and I have been married for fifteen years and have two wonderful children together. We have a pretty ok marriage, little to no fighting, but the warmth, passion, and closeness is pretty gone. Our sex lives are pretty non-existent due to our hectic schedules. Anyhow. About two months ago my husband ran into an old friend of ours from ten years ago. Upon running into said friend my husband came home and said that his friend had a band now and would I like to go with him to see them perform, I agreed to go. We went to the place where they were performing and immediately upon walking in the guitar player began to really stare at me. The place is little and we had an up front table. After their first set was over my husband grabbed me by the hand and lead me outside to speak with our old friend and his band mates. His friend introduced me and the guitar player said "Is that white zinfadel you're drinking, a lady with class I see". I smiled at him and nodded. I never flirted with him at all. As we all went back inside I could see that he was staring and smiling at me again, I again dismissed it really because normally band members do that to women as a way of being nice and making a name for themselves. We left that night and went home, was invited to another evening out to see them perform.

 

Three weeks ago we again went to watch them play. Again the same thing. I could see that he was not staring around at anyone else. Just at me. Which kind of made me uncomfortable but at the same time I was enjoying the attention, but since it was kind of dim in there I wasn't too sure. My husband is not a dancer and so would not dance with me that night as he wasn't intoxicated enough, when the guy in question asked him why, that was my husband's answer to which the guy in question said "I wouldn't need to be drunk to dance with her she is a very beautiful woman", my husband smiled and said thankyou. We left again that night and was invited out to watch them practice perform. I was also invited to help out with the band in putting together a press kit.

 

Cut to last night. My husband didn't want to go with me to meet up with the band so I went alone. When I arrived, notebook and other variables in hand, after practice was over they came over to sit down. The guy in question gets up and goes to the bar and returns with two shots for me and a drink for himself. I remarked "If I get too drunk you'll have to drive me home", and I laughed but then he said "Ok, which home do you want to go to", and smiled real big. Don't get me wrong he hasn't gotten sexually rude with me, quite the contrary, he has given me plenty of compliments. So my question I guess is what is going on here? What should I do? I don't really want to tell my husband because of his friend who is the lead singer and not the guy in question but I don't want to cause tension here. I have no intentions of doing anything with this guy although the fantasy is kind of nice. Is this guy trying to hit on me? What should I tell him. I don't want to be rude. Thanks for any advice.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. So my question I guess is what is going on here?

2. What should I do?

3. I don't really want to tell my husband because of his friend who is the lead singer and not the guy in question but I don't want to cause tension here.

4. I have no intentions of doing anything with this guy although the fantasy is kind of nice.

5. Is this guy trying to hit on me?

6. What should I tell him.

7. I don't want to be rude.

 

1. The guy wants to sleep with you, and your behavior and words are giving him the green light.

2. Decide which is more important to you: your marriage or your flirting with OM (its beyond fantasy at this point since you both have crossed the platonic boundaries), because unless your husband is up for an 'open' marriage you cannot have one without sacrificing the other.

3. Then stop encourageing this guy. The tension is already in progress (word does get around), and you have only one choice if you want to stop it and that is to stop what you are doing with this guy. Period. No more flirting, no more 'hanging out', nada.

4. Men don't see it that way really. He is hitting on you, you are responding positively so regardless of how you see it, he sees it as an opportunity to get attention from someone else's woman and get laid. He isn't in it to indulge your fantasy.

5. Trying? He's already got you hooked. I expect you are already anticipating when you can see him again alone, or at least hoping it will happen again.

6. Tell him what you feel. If your marriage isn't as important as flirting with this guy, then go for it. Return his affections. If your marriage is important to you, and you don't want to damage it - then apologize for your flirting, and tell him you can't go in this direction with him and then make sure you do not put yourself in a position where it will go in that direction.

7. Being honest with the guy isn't rude. Just state what you have to say, and leave (or stay, if you decide to indulge in your flirting).

[CherokeeTeaRose]

When he said what he said about "Which home do you want to go to", I laughed because there were three other guys sitting there when he said that, one being my husband's good friend. I did not however give him encouragement and I haven't. I am polite. I am hospitable because I have been working with my husband's friend on getting them gigs. I have some serious connections where I live.

 

I haven't encouraged this guy. I haven't said anything flirtatious back to him. I have to admit that I do like his flirting, but I also know that it is wrong. I am trying to figure out what to do to put him off without causing any tension in the band and the friendship between my husband and his friend.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I agree with LB.

 

It's okay to feel flattered by the attention, but whether you are conscious of your reaction or not, you are already signaling that to him. He knows it. And like any savvy guy, he's going to keep testing how far you'll let him go until you make it clear (in no uncertain terms) that you are not open to it. Or you find a way to discretely 'buffer' his advances ... By not responding or reacting.

 

If it truly makes you "uncomfortable", then you should have told your husband that you had a strange feeling about this guy (whether real or imagined) and insisted that he come along with you to help ease the tension.

 

Don't let all this flattery go to your head until the point where you are no longer thinking clearly. As any female knows, forting off advances from men is all in a days work. Put everything back into honest perspective and take a real good look at what you are about to lose if you allow your curiosity (and ego) to get the best of you.

 

Is this new guy (who's already showing a lack of character by disrespecting your husband) really worth the trade?

[LucreziaBorgia]

You may not have actively encouraged him, but you receptiveness to it is encouragement enough. He is probably reading green lights into what to you is just 'being friendly'. Your best option for stopping in this tracks (and yes, you will have to give up ALL the flirting) is to give him a simple 'thanks, but no thanks and we should not be doing this' talk. Then, follow up on that by making sure you are not alone with him, or doing anything that can be seen as even remotely receptive. A lot of that lies in refusing eye contact, or minimizing it to the point where it it nearly non-existant.

 

I am trying to figure out what to do to put him off without causing any tension in the band and the friendship between my husband and his friend.

 

It isn't that hard. You just get him alone, and tell him that you are not comfortable with where this is going, and that you and he need to stop. No need for long drawn out emotional involvment. Just a short, to the point 'thanks but no thanks' followed up by a dead stop to anything that can be said as flirting. If you slip up and say anything like 'if I weren't married', or 'I want to do this, but its wrong', etc. he will continue to pursue as you will be making it apparent that you want him to by saying that.

[whichwayisup]

Don't go alone again and if you do bring afew friends. This is a place where you and your husband should go to together.

 

This guy in the band is having fun and flirting, probably seeing how far he can flirt with you - To see if you'll be interested in him. Be pleasent, nice etc, but don't talk to him one on one. If he says he may need a ride home - Just say, take a cab.

 

It's okay to enjoy the attention that is all. To be desired and looked at by others is flattering but don't read into it...His intentions are clear - Especially him telling your hubby how beautiful you are and classy.

 

He knows you're married so why is hitting on you? One guess why and I think you know.

[CherokeeTeaRose]

Don't go alone again and if you do bring afew friends. This is a place where you and your husband should go to together.

 

This guy in the band is having fun and flirting, probably seeing how far he can flirt with you - To see if you'll be interested in him. Be pleasent, nice etc, but don't talk to him one on one. If he says he may need a ride home - Just say, take a cab.

 

It's okay to enjoy the attention that is all. To be desired and looked at by others is flattering but don't read into it...His intentions are clear - Especially him telling your hubby how beautiful you are and classy.

 

He knows you're married so why is hitting on you? One guess why and I think you know.

 

I haven't been alone with him as of yet, I'm not going to put myself in that type of setting with him. I am very pleasant to him, and the rest of the band members as well, the one problem I have is that I did get hired to take on their PR so I normally have to be wherever they go now to help promote the band and answer questions for people that want to book them. I haven't flirted back. I haven't said anything that encourages him and often times when I'm at the club and with my husband has been most all times except for last night, I am normally always talking with my husband and or other friends that we know at the club. I do pay attention to the band but not like he pays attention to me.

 

I'm not sure if he is flirting with me just because he wants to sleep with me or if it goes further with that. He's pretty quiet most all times. He has said a few things here and there but he hasn't been too forth coming. He hugged me last night which was totally unexpected but that was in front of the other band members as well, they all hugged me for getting them a huge gig which otherwise they wouldn't have gotten outside of my connections, but his hug was tight and kind of clingy. I will have a chat with him to set my boundaries. He called my cell earlier, which they all have my cell number in case they need to talk about a booking or whatever. I did answer my cell and didn't know who it was since it was under his first and last name and I didn't piece the two together. I picked it up and he said "Why hello and what're you up to", I told him that I was in the middle of doing some of my studying for my degree and that if this was concerning the band I could take a small break and chat but if it were for personal reasons that I have no time and I'd just see them on Saturday night. He explained that he didn't mean for what he said last night to come out so perverted and he wasn't looking to hop in bed with me. I thought that a tad weird but I said "Ok thanks for clearing that up", he explained that he thought I was very beautiful and I looked like I was lost. I don't know what that means but whatever. I told him I had to go because I was on a deadline to get my course material in before the agreed upon date with my professor. He said to have a good day and he was definitely looking forward to seeing me on Saturday night, inquired if my husband was coming along. The problem is that my husband is so tired from working a lot of hours, he's the supervisor now, and he often does not feel like going out on the weekends. So this could present a problem. I never uttered a word to this man other than hi, bye, nice to meet you, and a jokingly laugh. I don't see how I'm being read as flirting with him or how he could misconstrue everything. He is mature, 37, and I'm 30. I don't see how he could have read it all wrong. Anyhow it's all a bit confusing for me.

[newbby]

sounds as though you are enquiring whether he wants to sleep with you or more? sounds as though you are interested to me.

[ThumbingMyWay]

In your original post you stated that you have been married for 15 years....and in your last post you state you are 30 years old.

 

huh? Did you really get married at 15?

 

Anyway...

 

you also state in your first post some snippets about a dull sexlife.....I was wondering why that was pertinent to your situation with this guitar guy?

[ThumbingMyWay]

sounds as though you are interested to me.

 

I got the same vibe too....

[EnigmaXOXO]

He explained that he didn't mean for what he said last night to come out so perverted and he wasn't looking to hop in bed with me.

 

Oldest trick in the book!

 

He's worried he's coming on a bit too strong and is already preempting your possible withdrawal. Lulling you into thinking he's just a harmless flirt is a way to keep you in a state of confusion and send your defenses into a tail spin. If he can bait you into thinking he has no ulterior motives, you'll be less apt to slam the door in his face…or tell your husband.

 

Tricky. Tricky. Tricky.

 

He's feeling you out.

 

Thus, leaving you with the little tease:

 

he explained that he thought I was very beautiful and I looked like I was lost.

 

The guy is waaaay to open and generous with his compliments. Particularly with a married lady. He's obviously played this game with vulnerable females before. He may even consider it "sport." And you're taking the bait, hook line and sinker.

 

Talk to your husband about what's been going on, and ask for his perspective.

 

Besides, if you say he no longer has the time to hang out with you and the band, then why are you so worried it would cause a rift between him and the guys?

[CherokeeTeaRose]

Ok to the person that asked if I got married when I was fifteen, no, I got married when I was sixteen. I'm about to be 31.

 

Now onto telling my husband, I did just that when he came in for lunch earlier and his response was laughter. He said "Really, hahahha, well I guess I have a sexy wife huh". He looked at me and smiled and he said "If I didn't trust you then I'd be worried but I trust you completely so let him try as he might, doesn't bother me in the slightest". My husband knows I'm not going to overstep that boundary and my husband also asked me "Does it flatter you that he finds you so hot" whilst smiling and I answered with "Well it doesn't hurt, afterall we've been married for fifteen years almost and it's kinda flattering to know that I'm still attractive". He smiled, I smiled and he said "Well if he touches you inappropiately that is when I will get involved, otherwise it's a non issue, but what are you going to do about it", and I told him I was going to have a chat with him and set him straight about our marriage and that I'm not lost. I'm not interested so much as to try to figure out having the talk without anyone getting hurt feelings or causing some tension in the band.

 

Onto the last, my husband didn't say that he couldn't hang out with us. I simply stated that most times he is tired. I have found out however that he might be going with me Saturday night after all. So that is a good thing there. I'll feel much more comfortable and at ease.

 

Yeah our sex lives aren't that great. I just felt the need to explain things a bit. Probably off topic. I know that if I wanted this guy I could have him hook, line, and sinker with no effort on my part. Here I am though. Sitting at home, doing my course work, and currently not taking his calls.