Got hurt - again

[themoon]

i got into my first relationship a year ago, and it turned out to be extremely toxic. my ex was very emotionally abusive but then claimed he loved me and everything. it was the worst 9 months of my life and i suffered greatly.

during the summer, i found out he was cheating on me and was in dating apps. this finally helped me leave the relationship for good. he was overall a very manipulative and the breakup made me realize i deserve so much better. two months later when university started again, i was doing much better and my life had got back on track. i bumped into my ex and he begged me to talk to him. i refused not wanting to engage with him but he was desperate so i heard him out. we talked for 2 hours where he apologized for everything he’s done to me and said he wants to make amends. he was very sincere and he cried as well at how much he hurt me and said he never wants me to go through that again.  i was hesitant to show much but i listened and told him we can’t get back together. unfortunately i still remained in contact and we met up a few times and eventually…we got together again in secret this time.

i couldn’t tell my friends i had gone back to my toxic ex. he was very convincing that he had changed and said he would heal me and take care of me and that he was a horrible person in our relationship and regrets it. i believed him but i looked for every opportunity to get out because i felt that me going back to my ex who hurt me tremendously was not going to end well. he didn’t really respect the fact that i wanted to continue healing. he kinda took advantage of the fact that i wasn’t over him and was super affectionate and nice to make and said all the things i wanted to here. he kinda barged into my life again. i think i was being lovebombed.  i was also traumatized from the relationship so i often pushed him away and didn’t trust him.

this has hurt him and he got angry with me many times for my triggers. slowly, i started to see him go back to his emotionally abusive ways. the gaslighting, manipulation, insults were coming back. i knew i had to get out to avoid getting hurt again but every time i did, he’d come back and say he was gonna do better and he acted like he actually understood his mistakes. it’s been 3 months since we got back together and i genuinely feel so stupid. how could i be so weak and go back to the person i vowed to never speak to again? the fighting has gotten intense and he truly is who he used to be even though he keeps saying he’s not that person anymore and that he’s treated me so well these few months. yes there’s been an obvious change from our relationship the first time around, but i still have gotten hurt again. we broke up again and i feel like my entire world is shattered.

i had fallen in love with him again and i just feel so hurt that it’s ended again. i tried so many times to leave because i knew it’d end like this but my love and attachment kept me there as i kept believing his lies about change. i was able to move forward in the summer because i realized how bad he was for me and i was able to stay strong and heal. this time feels so much more different. it’s winter and i feel so alone. i feel so emotional. i don’t wanna let him go but i know if we stay together we’re gonna continue fighting. he keeps saying that i treated him horrible these few months even though i’ve taken care of him a lot.

i have just had bad trauma responses in the moments he’s hurt me. i don’t understand why he can’t realize that i just can’t get over the abuse and what he did in the summer. he says he understands and that he’ll help me heal and be patient with me, but when i do get triggered, he just gets mad at me and says that i’m a nuisance in his life and that i’m always starting fights.

i don’t know how to pick myself up again. nobody knows we’ve been together. i cant tell my parents because they’re super religious and don’t allow me to date. they found out about me in him during our relationship the first time and they were extremely upset. i cant tell my friends either because they would get angry that i went back to him even though i promised i wouldn’t. i don’t wanna break their trust. i know it was a bad idea to go back to him. i got hurt again. this is why i’m here.

i hope i can get some advice or support here. i’m a mess and i cannot stop crying. i’m in therapy too and i don’t wanna tell my therapist that i got back with him. she’s under the impression that we broke up. i’m falling into a horrible state of depression and i just need help. my finals are coming up soon and i just can’t focus on anything. he’s made me suffer so much for the last year and i just want it to end. usually after each fight or breakup he always comes back and apologizes but he hasn’t this time so i know it’s over and hurts so much. 

Edited December 7, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

Does your school have campus counselors or peer to peer support?  Talk to them.  Talk to your R.A.  If you are not in the dorms any more find your R.A. from last year.  Talk to your parents.  I bet the understand more than you think.   If you really can't talk to them try talking to somebody from church.  

We all make mistakes.  You are somebody who wants to see the best in people.  That leaves you vulnerable to manipulative people like your EX.  

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, themoon said:

. two months later when university started again, i was doing much better and my life had got back on track. i’m in therapy too and i don’t wanna tell my therapist that i got back with him. she’s under the impression that we broke up. 

Sorry this is happening. Please stop isolating yourself from help and support. Please read up on abusive relationships and please confide in your therapist.

Therapists are very familiar with domestic violence and this pattern of going back, shame, isolation and hurt. 

Please see if there is a student clinic for help with your depression. Please get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. 

Unfortunately things are spiraling. People In bad places make bad choices and bad choices make everything worse. 

Please avoid this man and delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Edited December 7, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

I'm so sorry this jerk hurt you so much.

You are worth taking care of.

At the cheater's core of this destructive relationship is the fact that he is unable to truly empathize or apologize and change. His disguise of being remorseful is moving. Cheaters manipulate reality to make you feel all crazy and such. You are still pining for an actor instead of the monster inside. The only thing that is different is you. The actor/monster "always apologizes" (no, just says the words for effect), "always comes back" (no, he needs the ego boost), and "never changes" (they never do, protected by their excuses for their entitled inadequacy). You are back for more pain. Loving him was normal, what was abnormal was him not reciprocating.

Leaving is the only viable path. Find help losing your attachment to this delusional apparition if you can't leave. You need education so you quit looking frail and uncertain next to his fake compassion and caring. Mental preparation for such revelations is key and therapy can lower your dependence and help you avoid it altogether.

There is no reason you should feel "alone".

You have friends but can't tell them? Why? His boundaries? Scare you? Comfort Zone? Make healthy choices and seek out those that care about you rather than cater to him. The perspective you need for closure rests just beyond this. It protects you from picking at your emotional scabs while letting them heal (mind movies, texting, gossiping, etc.).

No contact uses his tactics against himself by leaving him alone to obsess about himself.

[ShyViolet]

18 hours ago, themoon said:

i’m in therapy too and i don’t wanna tell my therapist that i got back with him. she’s under the impression that we broke up.

It's very good that you're in therapy.  However, it completely defeats the purpose of therapy and is essentially a waste of your time and money if you are not being honest with your therapist and keeping something as important as this from them.  A therapist is not going to judge you, it is literally their job to be supportive of you.  The first thing you should do is come clean with your therapist and tell them everything you have written here.  Why wouldn't you?  That's the whole point of therapy.

You are completely broken up with the guy now, right?  Are you no-contact with him?  For your mental health you absolutely need to stay no-contact with him and keep him out of your life for good.  Block him if necessary.

[MsJayne]

People who get involved with a monster often end up sobbing on the therapist's couch, while the monster happily goes off to find another victim to drain the Happy out of. As everyone else says, you need to block this guy everywhere. If he does contact you again, suggest that he seek help for his mental health condition, and then block immediately. Having the last word and being the one to cut contact will give you back some of your power and help you move forward. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/7/2023 at 1:38 AM, themoon said:

i’m in therapy too and i don’t wanna tell my therapist that i got back with him. she’s under the impression that we broke up.

You need to start being honest with her, and the people in your life.

Living a lie is stessful in and of itself, but when you're also deeply in pain, you're simply rubbing salt in your own wounds. You're going to have to make some big changes here, starting with coming clean to your therapist. I would wager that she is not going to be surprised you went back, since this is typical in abusive relationships. She is not going to judge you,  but she can't help you if you continue to cover up the truth.