How do I get my power back [merged thread]

[somewhereoutthere]

My ex was the one who broke up with me. It's almost 3 months since then. During our breakup, I was successful of maintaining no contact for the first month, but then I blocked and unblocked him, reached out to him and called him multiple times afterwards. I feel pathetic, I was hurting but I know I could've done better by not making him feel like I was totally lost without him. How do I get my power back?

Edited December 6, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somewhereoutthere]

I don't want him anymore (or maybe I'm in denial) but I'm tired of being the one hoping that he would reach out. He ended the relationship, and I know it's for the best. Some of you would probably say let it go, which is the most logical thing to do, I must admit. However, just for the craziness of things, I want him to want me back just so I would not feel like I wasn't just someone he could easily discard.

[Alpacalia]

When you say power I see it as regaining control over your emotions and regaining control over your actions.

Forgiving yourself first for not handling the breakup as gracefully as you would have liked. Breakups are hard and it's okay to not act perfectly. Commit to going no contact and sticking to it this time. This means no reaching out. It's not about seeking revenge or making him regret his decision.

It's about taking control of your own happiness and moving on. Trust that in time, you will heal and feel stronger than ever before. Even if you never get an explanation or apology from your ex, forgive them for hurting you. Holding onto anger and resentment will only continue to drain your energy and keep you stuck in the past.

Forgiveness is a powerful act of self-love and will help you move on. It's super hard at times and it's a process that you have to go through on your own terms, but remind yourself that it's for your benefit.

Hope you can focus to be more present and go about forming your own life the way you want it to be and find things YOU love. That way you will have moved on and found what you are want and need versus continuously yearning after him.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, somewhereoutthere said:

. He ended the relationship, and I know it's for the best. 

Sorry this happened. How long were you together? What was the breakup about? Why do you feel it was "for the best"? 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently. This way you can get rid of the background noise and not be reminded of the breakup.

Do you want to reconcile? What makes you feel "easily discarded"? 

[somewhereoutthere]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

When you say power I see it as regaining control over your emotions and regaining control over your actions.

Forgiving yourself first for not handling the breakup as gracefully as you would have liked. Breakups are hard and it's okay to not act perfectly. Commit to going no contact and sticking to it this time. This means no reaching out. It's not about seeking revenge or making him regret his decision.

It's about taking control of your own happiness and moving on. Trust that in time, you will heal and feel stronger than ever before. Even if you never get an explanation or apology from your ex, forgive them for hurting you. Holding onto anger and resentment will only continue to drain your energy and keep you stuck in the past.

Forgiveness is a powerful act of self-love and will help you move on. It's super hard at times and it's a process that you have to go through on your own terms, but remind yourself that it's for your benefit.

Hope you can focus to be more present and go about forming your own life the way you want it to be and find things YOU love. That way you will have moved on and found what you are want and need versus continuously yearning after him.

Thank you for this. At this point, I'm still scared of letting go of the hurt he caused me because that's all I have left of him. 

I will do my best in committing to no contact again. I don't want this year to end with me still very much hung up with him. I do remember being genuinely happy at times during the first month of our breakup with me not contacting him. I don't know why I called him and contacted him again, I feel like I have no boundaries or worse, self-respect. That's why I thank you for your comment with regards to forgiving myself for not handling the breakup gracefully. I find that at times, I'm too hard on myself. 

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, somewhereoutthere said:

Thank you for this. At this point, I'm still scared of letting go of the hurt he caused me because that's all I have left of him. 

I will do my best in committing to no contact again. I don't want this year to end with me still very much hung up with him. I do remember being genuinely happy at times during the first month of our breakup with me not contacting him. I don't know why I called him and contacted him again, I feel like I have no boundaries or worse, self-respect. That's why I thank you for your comment with regards to forgiving myself for not handling the breakup gracefully. I find that at times, I'm too hard on myself. 

Yeah, I totally get that. I.E. "scared of letting go of the hurt he caused me because that's all I have left of him." 

It's like the only thing left of them is how they hurt us, and it's like holding onto that and the anger and resentment can sometimes feel more comforting than having nothing at all. It's a coping mechanism. It's a way to feel connected to them still, to feel like we haven't completely lost them. But the truth is, holding onto that pain and anger doesn't bring them back. It doesn't fix anything. And it ultimately hurts us more than them. 

I'm glad that you have experienced being genuinely happy during the no contact period. That shows that there is hope for a happier future without your ex. Hold onto that feeling and use it as motivation to commit to no contact again. 

[stillafool]

Why did he end the relationship?  That will give us a better idea of how to answer you.

[d0nnivain]

It's understandable that you want to minimize the hurt & pain you feel.  Your ego took a blow when he broke up with you.  If he wanted you back you feel like you could reclaim some of your dignity.  Unfortunately life doesn't work like that 

You have to find a way to heal & move forward.  

[d0nnivain]

Go back to NC. 

The best revenge is a life well lived without the EX.  A positive mindset starting fresh in the new year will help.  

[somewhereoutthere]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long were you together? What was the breakup about? Why do you feel it was "for the best"? 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently. This way you can get rid of the background noise and not be reminded of the breakup.

Do you want to reconcile? What makes you feel "easily discarded"? 

We were together for a year. We haven't had any major issues like cheating, raising voices or physical abuse. However, when we're not okay, he would use silent treatment, and such, even if the disagreement was his fault, I would be the one saying sorry just for him to stop pushing me away. It was too much for me emotionally, and so I was often anxious and would feel alone and unloved. He told me it was for my best interest that we stop seeing each other as he is emotionally unavailable and that he also feel like he's being smothered so he just wants to be alone for now. So yes, I think it was for the best. However, I still feel discarded. Even on his worst days, I stood by him and supported him. I forgave him and understood him. I was not ready for the relationship to end; I still wanted to try and fix things.

I messed up with my no contact situation. It's almost three months since we broke up. For the first month, I successfully cut contact with him. However, after feeling a bit better about the situation, I unblocked him and reached out to him. I feel so bad, like I lost my power. He already took control of the situation when he ended things abruptly. I want to regain that control. I want to feel like I'm not nothing. 

[somewhereoutthere]

17 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why did he end the relationship?  That will give us a better idea of how to answer you.

We were together for a year. We haven't had any major issues like cheating, raising voices or physical abuse. However, when we're not okay, he would use silent treatment, and such, even if the disagreement was his fault, I would be the one saying sorry just for him to stop pushing me away. It was too much for me emotionally, and so I was often anxious and would feel alone and unloved. He told me it was for my best interest that we stop seeing each other as he is emotionally unavailable and that he also feel like he's being smothered so he just wants to be alone for now. So yes, I think it was for the best. However, I still feel discarded. Even on his worst days, I stood by him and supported him. I forgave him and understood him. I was not ready for the relationship to end; I still wanted to try and fix things.

 

 

[somewhereoutthere]

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You have to find a way to heal & move forward.  

 Thank you for this. I feel like more than feeling betrayed that I still want to fix things while he wants to leave, my ego did take a huge blow. 

[stillafool]

If you

37 minutes ago, somewhereoutthere said:

I feel so bad, like I lost my power.

You absolutely did. Never show a man that you cannot be without him unless he's desperately in love with you.  This one told you he wanted to end it because he's emotionally unavailable to you.  That should tell you everything you need to know about how he feels about you.  Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.  There is nothing here to fix because you can't change his feelings.

[d0nnivain]

34 minutes ago, somewhereoutthere said:

 I still want to fix things while he wants to leave, 

Alas break ups default to the one who wants out

[BreakOnThrough]

You can regain your control by just maintaining no contact and living the best life you can.  Better yourself and be someone he would envy.  Best revenge is living a great life FOR YOURSELF FIRST.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, somewhereoutthere said:

I don't want him anymore (or maybe I'm in denial) but I'm tired of being the one hoping that he would reach out. He ended the relationship, and I know it's for the best. Some of you would probably say let it go, which is the most logical thing to do, I must admit. However, just for the craziness of things, I want him to want me back just so I would not feel like I wasn't just someone he could easily discard.

Don't let your ego keep you tied to someone who doesn't value you.  Let him go so you can heal.

[glows]

Please stop beating yourself up for unblocking and contacting him. No, it’s not ideal but you’re placing way too much importance on the fact that he doesn’t like you and you contacting him. There are probably millions of people who won’t like you or you don’t match with or aren’t compatible with. In the first place, he isn’t even all there. He says he’s emotionally unavailable and it sounds like he was doing you a favour breaking up. Yes, a lot of people will cushion the blow and then move on quickly to someone else and suddenly they’re available - surprise.

The bottomline is he’s not into you and he made a clean cut. He didn’t go behind your back to your knowledge or cheat on you or humiliate you and so on. YOU are the only one who can assign worth to yourself not someone else. If you keep telling yourself you are a lousy person and worthless there’s nothing he can do to help that. And more importantly letting another person determine your worth is not healthy. You need to work on yourself and change the way you view yourself before you enter relationships.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, somewhereoutthere said:

I was often anxious and would feel alone and unloved. He told me it was for my best interest that we stop seeing each other as he is emotionally unavailable and that he also feel like he's being smothered so he just wants to be alone for now. 

Sorry this is happening. You didn't "lose your power " at all. You gained your freedom from a cold uncaring man. 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Please stop leaving the door open with "no contact", clearly hoping he contacts you and comes back.

Close this awful chapter in your life of trying to love an iceberg. You're free! He's given you a ton of power and freedom to find  decent caring men who want what you want.  

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, somewhereoutthere said:

 Thank you for this. I feel like more than feeling betrayed that I still want to fix things while he wants to leave, my ego did take a huge blow. 

Why do you want to go back to more abuse?  He has basically told you and shown you he doesn't want you anymore.  You can't make someone love you.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, somewhereoutthere said:

I want to feel like I'm not nothing

Then you need to stop searching for validation from this guy. Letting him be the measuring stick of your power is exactly the opposite of getting your power back. It would mean that you're still assigning him the role of gate-keeper of your self-worth. 

He can't be the one to make you respect yourself more. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, somewhereoutthere said:

However, when we're not okay, he would use silent treatment, and such, even if the disagreement was his fault, I would be the one saying sorry just for him to stop pushing me away. It was too much for me emotionally, and so I was often anxious and would feel alone and unloved.

Your reactions to this were very reasonable, but for reasons unknown you chose to stay with him.   Hon, you lost your power while you were in the relationship!  Now that you're free from this toxic environment, you can start to rebuild it by figuring out what kind of man you want in your life.

I know it doesn't feel that way now, but he did you a favour by ending things - you are now free to do much better for yourself

[Progress99]

10 hours ago, somewhereoutthere said:

 I do remember being genuinely happy at times during the first month of our breakup with me not contacting him. I don't know why I called him and contacted him again, I feel like I have no boundaries or worse, self-respect. 

Define yourself at these exact same moments.  Moments when you feel like you can breathe again, feel no anxiety or perhaps depressing and intrusive thoughts are nonexistent. And then think about how you feel after you break NC and what you truly accomplished by doing so. 

In moments of distress this is all easier said than done,  trust me I know.  I'm in a similar situation where I broke NC to the point that we were intimate and here we are starting from scratch after having moments of feeling free again when I diligently adhered to NC just like you.  

Progress not perfection. You acknowledge what occurred and seems like you have an understanding that this is survival and your emotional recovery is of utmost importance. Be gentle and take it a day at a time.  At times it might feel like you're on this emotional rollercoaster but also know that you have the choice to get off that rollercoaster. 

[NuevoYorko]

11 hours ago, somewhereoutthere said:

 I must admit. However, just for the craziness of things, I want him to want me back just so I would not feel like I wasn't just someone he could easily discard.

That would not be getting your power back; in fact it's the opposite.  Your "power" would be dependent upon a specific emotional response FROM HIM.  

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, somewhereoutthere said:

 However, just for the craziness of things, I want him to want me back just so I would not feel like I wasn't just someone he could easily discard.

I'm sorry, what?  You can't "make" him want you back.  Trying to get him to want you back reeks of desperation and is the opposite of "getting your power back."  You get your power back by MOVING ON and keeping no contact, period.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, somewhereoutthere said:

 How do I get my power back?

The block button is the most powerful tool you have. Please use it.