My Fiancée was found drunk in a pub garden kissing a stranger.

[BOB50]

Hi,

first time on here, need some advice.

I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years, 2 beautiful children, family home, due to get married next year.

A couple of weeks ago, me and my fiancée had an argument about her drinking, she seems to not have any limits when drinking, she can go out, and it’s always her, that her friends are bringing back to the home, because she is totally out of it.

Anyway, I wasn’t happy especially as we have 2 young children, that morning I woke later to find her having a drink (hair of the dog) I told her that it was wrong, we argued and I decided to take the children out for the day and leave her at home.

we came home around midday, no sign of my fiancée, messaged her and she told me she had gone for a walk, said she’ll be home soon.

a few hours later, still waiting, then messaged her and she was in the pub, asked her that I could pick her up, she said she would walk home soon.

I then heard a girl friend was going over to the pub to meet her, felt better that she was with a friend so left her to it.

then got a call from her girl friend about 3 hours later, that she was going to walk her home, when they arrived my fiancée, was wasted, we put her down on the sofa, I then offered to drive her friend home as small local

town and it was dark, when in the car, she told me that my fiancée had done something tonight, I asked what, thinking maybe drugs or something, she then said, I think she’s been unfaithful, asked how or why she thinks this, she said she found her up the top of the beer garden with some guy, said, as soon as she seen me they both came walking down. 

I dropped the friend back to the pub, she was going to try and get

more details for

me, wish I had just gone in the pub to question with this lad. 

I went home, she was passed out on sofa, tried to move her to bed, and realised she wasn’t wearing her knickers, I then found them folded in her bra, her bra also undone. She also had a smell down below, after sex smell, she never usually smells, it was noticeable.
I woke her and asked he what she had done, she said she couldn’t remember.

left her to bed and tried to get some sleep.

next morning I confronted her, she was extremely upset and said she was talking to some lad and maybe they kissed but remembers nothing about the garden.

Asked her if she had sex with him, she was adamant she didn’t and that she would have remembered that, explained that she had no knickers on and smelled of sex.

 

I contacted the pub landlord who I knew, to get an idea of the evening, he told me that she was waving her knickers around the pub and that’s when he told her she had enough and to go home, her friend then walked her back, he said, there was a guy who she had been sitting with along with 3 other men, she was flirting with them, she was already drunk, asked if there was any cctv and if he could check, he did do this for me.

He came

back a few days later, he said, he didnt want to be the bearer of bad news and doesn’t want to get involved, however he said they were outside kissing, she then walked up the garden and he followed, it was darker and hazy, 

he said they were up there for about 10 minutes, and very close, wasn’t sure what they were doing as it was hazy. 

I confronted all with her, she was clearly upset, still saying you can’t remember, she has been to see the doctor about her drink, I also asked her to do morning after pill especially as she can’t remember anything, which she did.

I now question, why would she have taken morning after pill if she knew she never had sex, she tells me it’s because I told her to. 
 

we speak about that night a lot, I am so hurt and she knows and understands what shes done is wrong but loves me, this was a stupid drunken evening which got out of hand, she says.
I tell her I love her which I do, but how do I ever trust her again, why did this happen, we’re getting married next year, venue booked, wedding dress done, I love her dearly but should I accept, move on, and marry this woman, or walk away from her, we have two beautiful children, this is the important part. We have everything. All of this is totally out of her character, that’s what kills me inside, should have just picked her up that afternoon, always think this. When Ingo to sleep I think about it, when I wake I think about, don’t even know who this guy is, she doesn’t even know his name, he is younger than her, early 20’s, he had quite the night by the sounds of it. Hmmm……
Need some honest advice.

thanks

[MsJayne]

The problem here isn't really whether she had sex with some random in the pub, the problem is her drinking. She needs to get a grip and grow up. She has two kids, she has no right to go out getting smashed and expect you to just deal with that. What sort of message will that send to your children as they get older? Oh yeah, my mum was down the local waving her knickers around last night. Either she's up for being a responsible parent or she's not, and if she's not she needs to move on and stop making your family life toxic. I'd be giving her the ultimatum, stop the partying or get out. Regularly being delivered home from the pub legless when there's children in the house is just selfish, irresponsible  a*****e behaviour. If her friend gave up the dirt on her so readily I'm guessing she's disgusted and had a gutful of her too.  Apologies for the brutality, but she sounds like she has the instincts and morals of a stray tom cat.

Edited December 5, 2023 by MsJayne

[BOB50]

39 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

The problem here isn't really whether she had sex with some random in the pub, the problem is her drinking. She needs to get a grip and grow up. She has two kids, she has no right to go out getting smashed and expect you to just deal with that. What sort of message will that send to your children as they get older? Oh yeah, my mum was down the local waving her knickers around last night. Either she's up for being a responsible parent or she's not, and if she's not she needs to move on and stop making your family life toxic. I'd be giving her the ultimatum, stop the partying or get out. Regularly being delivered home from the pub legless when there's children in the house is just selfish, irresponsible  a*****e behaviour. If her friend gave up the dirt on her so readily I'm guessing she's disgusted and had a gutful of her too.  Apologies for the brutality, but she sounds like she has the instincts and morals of a stray tom cat.

Thanks for your advice, in her defence, this totally out of character, apart from drinking, she is the best mother, so caring and thoughtful, this is what has thrown me as to why this happened and whether it’s the first time, I am torn, I love her so much and still want to marry her, she is getting help for the drinking and hasn’t drunk since. I’m struggling to understand why this happened, how do I ever trust her again, I can’t lock her away forever because that’s not healthy, she is a beautiful woman and will turn heads so how do I know this won’t ever happen again. Is the thoughts of her with this unknown man ever leave me, am I being psychotic putting this out here, just needed to tell someone, selfishly, for some understanding and answers. 

[MsJayne]

2 minutes ago, BOB50 said:

Thanks for your advice, in her defence, this totally out of character, apart from drinking, she is the best mother, so caring and thoughtful, this is what has thrown me as to why this happened and whether it’s the first time, I am torn, I love her so much and still want to marry her, she is getting help for the drinking and hasn’t drunk since. I’m struggling to understand why this happened, how do I ever trust her again, I can’t lock her away forever because that’s not healthy, she is a beautiful woman and will turn heads so how do I know this won’t ever happen again. Is the thoughts of her with this unknown man ever leave me, am I being psychotic putting this out here, just needed to tell someone, selfishly, for some understanding and answers. 

Great that she's acknowledged the problem and is getting help, and so that leaves you with the negative feelings about what happened and the trust issue. And no, you're not being psychotic looking for a bit of emotional support, and nor is it selfish to need to tell someone. You're being decent by using anonymous means to vent rather than broadcasting the situation to family and friends. If your fiance, when sober, is a good partner and mother, then stopping the drinking should restore harmony, but it will also require you to move forward in a positive way rather than filled with doubt and insecurity. My suggestion is that maybe you talk to a counsellor about what's taken place, acknowledge that your fiance has a serious drinking problem and that this is what was driving her awful behaviour, and see whether you can find your way back to trusting her. Just remember that, even if it turned out that the knicker-waving incident was her worst crime that night, (and I think we're all suspecting it wasn't), you have both right and reason to be angry, and don't make excuses for her choices. 

[Weezy1973]

There’s a couple things and they’re related:

1. Will you be able to trust her again? 
 

2. Will she stop drinking?

 

And importantly will you be able to support her in sobriety. She’s clearly an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking completely. She also needs to seek therapy. The addiction and having sex with a random stranger (at least this one time, but I’d guess she’s at the minimum crossed lines in the past) point to some deep rooted issues in her, and it’s up to her to get help and change. Not your responsibility. 
 

If she is willing to get sober, and go to therapy to get help, then there might be hope. If not, you and your kids will be better off without her. 

[glows]

This sounds more like alcohol addiction or dependency. She’s drinking from morning to night? Why did it seem like she had her first drink in the morning and carried on all the way until after dark at the pub? You say she doesn’t seem to have any limits. 

Addiction, risk of STDs, unplanned pregnancies, infidelity. These are the issues you’ll be marrying and stuck with the rest of your life. It’s because of those children that I’d want to not be married to this person, so that they at least have a chance of a stable life living with you.

[BOB50]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

There’s a couple things and they’re related:

1. Will you be able to trust her again? 
 

2. Will she stop drinking?

 

And importantly will you be able to support her in sobriety. She’s clearly an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking completely. She also needs to seek therapy. The addiction and having sex with a random stranger (at least this one time, but I’d guess she’s at the minimum crossed lines in the past) point to some deep rooted issues in her, and it’s up to her to get help and change. Not your responsibility. 
 

If she is willing to get sober, and go to therapy to get help, then there might be hope. If not, you and your kids will be better off without her. 

Thanks, firstly, she isn’t an alcoholic, what I mean is when she has a drink maybe on a Friday evening, we’re all guilty of this, she may wake up with tendencies to have a drink in the morning   , hair of the dog which can then lead to more. She definitely has a problem with alcoholism but definitely not an alcoholic,  she works and looks after our children extremely well,  just on some occasions it may get out of hand at the weekends but it is rare, this is why I’m shocked about that night.

appreciate the feedback. 

[BOB50]

1 hour ago, glows said:

This sounds more like alcohol addiction or dependency. She’s drinking from morning to night? Why did it seem like she had her first drink in the morning and carried on all the way until after dark at the pub? You say she doesn’t seem to have any limits. 

Addiction, risk of STDs, unplanned pregnancies, infidelity. These are the issues you’ll be marrying and stuck with the rest of your life. It’s because of those children that I’d want to not be married to this person, so that they at least have a chance of a stable life living with you.

Thanks, she definitely has alcohol addiction which she is prepared to resolve to save our relationship,  day to day she is an amazing mother and woman, works, cooks and cleans. This day/night is so out of character, however I was on business a week before, then we’ve argued and the rest is history, feel that she was lonely because I was away, then argued and now low esteem, a recipe for disaster. 
I can’t imagine my world without her however it has truly messed me up emotionally, can’t just then dump her on the street and take care of our children. 
appreciate your advice here.

 

[BOB50]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

Great that she's acknowledged the problem and is getting help, and so that leaves you with the negative feelings about what happened and the trust issue. And no, you're not being psychotic looking for a bit of emotional support, and nor is it selfish to need to tell someone. You're being decent by using anonymous means to vent rather than broadcasting the situation to family and friends. If your fiance, when sober, is a good partner and mother, then stopping the drinking should restore harmony, but it will also require you to move forward in a positive way rather than filled with doubt and insecurity. My suggestion is that maybe you talk to a counsellor about what's taken place, acknowledge that your fiance has a serious drinking problem and that this is what was driving her awful behaviour, and see whether you can find your way back to trusting her. Just remember that, even if it turned out that the knicker-waving incident was her worst crime that night, (and I think we're all suspecting it wasn't), you have both right and reason to be angry, and don't make excuses for her choices. 

Thanks Jane, you are making perfect sense. Wish I had just went and picked her up that day, knew she was drinking, but never knew this was going to happen, and neither did she,  it’s the alcohol clearly, knew we had argued that morning, but it is what it is and she did what she did. She is truly sorry and making positive changes , I guess I have to do the same too and drop it and move on to save the relationship. Thanks again 😊 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, BOB50 said:

was on business a week before .can’t just then dump her on the street and take care of our children. 

It seems like she has a serious drinking problem and gets out of control and blackout drunk. Have you been tested for STDs?  This seems like the tip of the iceberg.  You may not even know about other episodes like this.  Who watches the kids when she's drinking all day every day and you're away on business? 

[BOB50]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like she has a serious drinking problem and gets out of control and blackout drunk. Have you been tested for STDs?  This seems like the tip of the iceberg.  You may not even know about other episodes like this.  Who watches the kids when she's drinking all day every day and you're away on business? 

Hi, appreciate your comments, she’s not a raging alcoholic, just want to put that straight, kids go to school, she goes to work, we have a normal day to day life, however she can on some occasions have a drink and doesn’t know her limits, it’s there but it’s rare too. 
she is getting help for this, clearly Dee rooted which we’ve missed with our busy lives. She’s a great mum, and lover, this was totally out of character, just a shame it was on our doorstep. Not great 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, BOB50 said:

 she’s not a raging alcoholic, just 
she is getting help for this, 

This was two weeks ago? You seem fixated on the term "alcoholic" . It's not even used anymore. It's called "alcohol use disorder". Which means that the use of excess alcohol is causing problems. 

Which is the case here if she has blackouts, can't control her drinking, puts her health at risk and needs "a hair of the dog" . It's good she got medical care for unprotected sex, but you interestingly avoid the STD question.

What kind of "help" is she getting? She seems to have some degree of physical dependence, perhaps it's time for appropriate detox and rehabilitation?  Hope this helps:

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/understanding-alcohol-use-disorder

 

[BOB50]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This was two weeks ago? You seem fixated on the term "alcoholic" . It's not even used anymore. It's called "alcohol use disorder". Which means that the use of excess alcohol is causing problems. 

Which is the case here if she has blackouts, can't control her drinking, puts her health at risk and needs "a hair of the dog" . It's good she got medical care for unprotected sex, but you interestingly avoid the STD question.

What kind of "help" is she getting? She seems to have some degree of physical dependence, perhaps it's time for appropriate detox and rehabilitation?  Hope this helps:

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/understanding-alcohol-use-disorder

 

Thanks she has had a call, a first assessment, someone is then coming out to see her, the support I don’t know the name however recommended by the Doctor, it’s slightly frustrating, because she’s not alcohol dependent, she’s not high priority, I will investigate your link and see what else is available. The positive thing is she hasn’t drunk since, she is a good person, and the best when sober, she has accepted responsibility and is taking first steps. 
STD, maybe we both need to see the Doctor for sure, I’m just trying to get over it all mentally to be honest.

thanks wiseman 

[glows]

2 hours ago, BOB50 said:

Thanks, she definitely has alcohol addiction which she is prepared to resolve to save our relationship,  day to day she is an amazing mother and woman, works, cooks and cleans. This day/night is so out of character, however I was on business a week before, then we’ve argued and the rest is history, feel that she was lonely because I was away, then argued and now low esteem, a recipe for disaster. 
I can’t imagine my world without her however it has truly messed me up emotionally, can’t just then dump her on the street and take care of our children. 
appreciate your advice here.

 

I know you’re feeling down here however an addiction is an addiction. Raging or not, she’s not a great mother if she’s endangering the lives of her family healthwise, checked out and not around for her kids and at pubs. It must have taken awhile to get to this point and it sounds like you’re in severe denial, possibly enabling her at the same time. She needs professional help now. It’s not realistic to expect things to change without her addressing her addiction. 

[BOB50]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

I know you’re feeling down here however an addiction is an addiction. Raging or not, she’s not a great mother if she’s endangering the lives of her family healthwise, checked out and not around for her kids and at pubs. It must have taken awhile to get to this point and it sounds like you’re in severe denial, possibly enabling her at the same time. She needs professional help now. It’s not realistic to expect things to change without her addressing her addiction. 

She is now getting support here, crap situation gone bad because excessive drinking. Fact. We’re on the right path. Appreciate your comments. 

[glows]

20 minutes ago, BOB50 said:

She is now getting support here, crap situation gone bad because excessive drinking. Fact. We’re on the right path. Appreciate your comments. 

This will continue to happen because these relapses are suggesting she’s actually not getting the high level of support she needs. The problem is the addiction, the issue with her being with another guy is secondary.

She needs rehab not staying at home exposed to alcohol all around her like pubs down the street. Her friend was concerned and nice of her to notify you she was with another guy but really should have been more concerned about her alcohol consumption. Actually I’m appalled that these are friends at all who KNOW she has an addiction and is getting help you say and yet they take her out to these bars and pubs with them. That’s not friends. Those are people who don’t give a crap about your fiancee or her family.  Or it seems No One is paying attention to just how much of an addiction she has. No one seems to care and are focusing on other things like what guy she was with and taking her out to bars with them. 

She’s been a ticking time bomb and it was a matter of time. She’s slowly wasting away. You also gaslit her about taking the morning after pill after telling her to take it which is manipulative. I’m just taking this as painful frustration on your part but none of this should be a surprise. I’m shocked her so called friends and you are putting so much weight on her with another guy and not enough on the fact that she severely needs help for her addiction and rehab now. I’m concerned that you’re also at risk for STDs.

Edited December 5, 2023 by glows

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, BOB50 said:

She is now getting support here, crap situation gone bad because excessive drinking. Fact. We’re on the right path. Appreciate your comments. 

I suspect the disconnect is that you don’t see her as an alcoholic because you’re immersed in British “pub culture”.  So getting a bit drunk or tipsy every weekend seems normal, and to you alcoholism most mean someone isn’t able to function in their day to day life.

1. There are functional alcoholics who indeed can function quite well and even be extremely successful. 
 

2. She’s not one of them. Despite her being a good mom, she has threatened her potential marriage and relationship with her kids father by cheating on him. That’s not functional.

 

Here’s a question for you OP - would you be willing to give up alcohol as well if it helped your fiancé stop drinking?

[d0nnivain]

You need to start going to Al-Anon meetings.  It's a support group for people who have alcohol addiction issues 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/5/2023 at 1:19 PM, BOB50 said:

I’m just trying to get over it all mentally to be honest

This is going to take a long time. It would be naive to believe otherwise. 

The goalposts of your relationship have now changed. It's not something you "get over" - it's something you are going to adjust to having caused pain and turmoil in your relationship. Can you both learn to accept that it happened, and move forward? Possibly, yes. Are you going to ever be indifferent to it? Not a chance. It will always hurt when you think about it. It's a choice you make when you choose to stay with someone who cheated on you. You now know she is capable of it, and it will change the way you look at her. It is what it is. One day it will probably not hurt as much, but that day is far into the future, if we're being realistic. 

On 12/5/2023 at 1:19 PM, BOB50 said:

STD, maybe we both need to see the Doctor

Not maybe - definitely. Please don't have sex with her for a while yet, until you are both cleared of STIs and HIV. Wait even after the results come back (hopefully negative) because some have an incubation period and won't show up in the system  right away. You have no clue who this other man was, and if he's the type to have a drunken, unprotected, one-night stand in pubs, well, I would be very worried about he has exposed your fianceé to. She could now be the proud owner of all sorts of nasty bugs. Please prioritize your own health here, as some of these things cannot ever be cured and can affect your health in many ways. Speak to your doctor ASAP. 

[petee]

Mate, you need her to get tested for STD. The evidence is there, that she had unprotected sex, regardless of whether it’s out of character.

Theres more to this than you think. Was she drugged? 
Either you don’t know your fiancée, or she’s been drugged; she would not smell like that if she had not been active. Your choice, but you need to be alert to anything and everything right now.

[stillafool]

If her friends are in the habit of having to take her home due to her being so drunk she's out of it and she walks away from the pub with a stranger while drunk, comes back with her underwear off but hasn't a clue what happened, she's got a severe alcohol problem.  She needs AA.  She has to want to go for it to work and you have to admit to yourself that she does in fact have a drinking problem and needs to get help.  There will be relapses. 

[smackie9]

I come from a family of alcoholics...have dealt with an alcoholic mother, brother and uncle. Like most alcoholics that haven't hit rock bottom, they deflect, downplay, are in denial that they have a problem. And unfortunately some just will never stop. I suggest you and the kids go somewhere else and give her an ultimatum. Only she can say to herself that yes she needs help. She needs to know now there will be consequences.