He's back 1 year after our fall out

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He did not want to be in a relationship, he was happy having affairs with unavailable women.

Does this mean he only has affairs with married women?

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

l sent him a picture of bf & l from our summer vacations. He said wow you both look happy.

It seems like he's trying to put things behind him and make amends and is happy for you now.  However if you feel your friendship will never be the same, perhaps a bit of distance, with no hard feelings would help? 

[Gaeta]

51 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Does this mean he only has affairs with married women?

Mainly rich housewives with husband away and kids in board school type of women. Lots of partying in expensive places, alcohol and substance abuse....many shallow women.

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Mainly rich housewives with husband away and kids in board school type of women. Lots of partying in expensive places, alcohol and substance abuse....many shallow women.

Could you explore whether this aspect of his personality resonates positively or negatively with you. It seems as though for seven years you were able to look past this aspect and enjoy his company for other reasons, but given your mood and questioning right now then consider what reasons those were and weigh up whether they are indeed reasons that resonate positively.

I'm not implying you should sever ties, but perhaps creating more space, especially after an incident like the one involving the earbuds, could be beneficial.

[Acacia98]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You're right l'm not over it. I know friends are supposed to forgive each other but l'm not there yet. 

And that's fine.

But I just want to point out that if/when you get there, forgiving him does not require you to continue being friends with him. You can forgive him, wish him well, and keep your distance.

This guy had feelings for you. Still does, apparently. The kindest thing you can do (in my opinion) is shut the door so that he understands he needs to stop waiting in the wings.

[Alpacalia]

I wouldn't speculate at this juncture that he has romantic feelings towards you based on a disagreement over earbuds.

He has never hinted or confessed to having those sorts of feelings towards you.

I would just maintain a distance especially after the mention of alcohol and substance abuse.

Could it be that's why he snapped at you in the first place? He may have been agitated or under the influence of something. It's best to just be cautious and not assume anything until he explicitly expresses his feelings towards you. At which point, then you deal with it accordingly. More importantly is that his behavior at the time hurt you and I totally get your need for some care and protection here at this fork in the road. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

We were single at the same time and he did not attemp to cross that line. He did not want to be in a relationship, he was happy having affairs with unavailable women.

This makes his behaviour even less understandable.   Personally, I'd write him off

[Gaeta]

22 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Could you explore whether this aspect of his personality resonates positively or negatively with you. It seems as though for seven years you were able to look past this aspect and enjoy his company for other reasons,

His life style did not bother me up until he started being depressed, kept saying he was unhappy with his life, he would get mad at some of his lovers for not 'respecting him', he felt betrayed by some of his partying friends. So I was listening to all that and tell him he needed to surround himself with people that have more substance. That dynamic between him and I lasted for a year before we stopped talking. He would spiral down and I would tell him what he needs to do. I know I know! It's really hard for me to stand by and just listen! I am opinionated (you all know that right).

[glows]

At some point you have to wonder if sticking around listening is just enabling his poor choices. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

His life style did not bother me up until he started being depressed, kept saying he was unhappy with his life, he would get mad at some of his lovers for not 'respecting him', he felt betrayed by some of his partying friends. So I was listening to all that and tell him he needed to surround himself with people that have more substance. That dynamic between him and I lasted for a year before we stopped talking. He would spiral down and I would tell him what he needs to do. I know I know! It's really hard for me to stand by and just listen! I am opinionated (you all know that right).

No. But you had opinions about it. That kind of dynamic almost never works because what you're saying is that he needs to do something because his choices are wrong but his choices are what they are because that's what he wants right now. Kind of gives the message that he needs to be fixed. And, people don't respond well to that.

Maybe him snapping at you was his way of saying that.

In any event, what else about this friendship do you feel is worth holding on to?

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

he needs to do something because his choices are wrong

He knew his choices made him unhappy so it's not like I decided for him that it was his choices that made him unhappy. 

If your friend tells you he hates his life you will suggest him changes he could make right?

He has been a loyal friend, a good listener, eager to be helpful (to me and my 2 daughters), I used to confine in him and trust him with my feelings. I was able to appear vulnerable and not worry of his judgement. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He knew his choices made him unhappy so it's not like I decided for him that it was his choices that made him unhappy. 

If your friend tells you he hates his life you will suggest him changes he could make right?

He has been a loyal friend, a good listener, eager to be helpful (to me and my 2 daughters), I used to confine in him and trust him with my feelings. I was able to appear vulnerable and not worry of his judgement. 

Not in this instance.

I don't foresee a friendship working out between myself and a person with a very different lifestyle because it just doesn't align with my own and would fundamentally make us incompatible as friends.

I've gone through something similar with a family member as much as it pained me to see how living a certain lifestyle affected them. I could offer advice and support if they asked but I had to let it end there. BF was having trouble breathing, not because of his lifestyle choices, but because he had a fear against hospitals and personally refused to go if something further happened. I see that a bit like refusing to take a boat out if you can't swim even though you are around capable swimmers.

But getting back to him and his reason for snapping at you, unless he offers an apology, and a genuine one, I don't see an opening to offer another. He may be the same positive person but maybe a different dynamic of resentment has entered the picture, part anger and part being down after having let himself down. I would be content to feel he is going through something deep down and pulling apart from others that he values as friends.

Take yourself out of the crossfire here.

He may gain a new perspective on things and make good decisions later on.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He has been a loyal friend, a good listener, eager to be helpful (to me and my 2 daughters).

Try to focus mainly on this part. Unfortunately if friends or family make bad choices, it's their issue until they decide to change.  There's usually not much you can do even if they complain to you under the guise that they want advice.  This is when you just say "oh ok" and change the subject. 

[Gaeta]

@Wiseman2: l agree but his life style was not the reason we broke communication, it was because he blow out at me for getting a gift from my bf. 

[mark clemson]

Probably he does things this way because he doesn't want "normal" full relationships. For whatever reason he isn't comfortable with them, maybe his family of origin was highly dysfunctional, maybe he had bad experiences with full girlfriends earlier in life, maybe simply a variation of avoidant attachment.

I think a lot of guys "enjoy the fun" (as do many women) but ultimately find it unfulfilling. So (some of) the players eventually settle down, etc.

So I guess he's not a true orbiter. Along the lines of what Weezy noted, he didn't want a relationship with you, but he wanted to keep your friendship because it fulfilled something for him that his lovers/APs do not. A more consistent bond, and an emotional one at some level, as well as someone to keep him company between lovers and to bounce ideas off/"process" what's going on with them and perhaps more generally in life. Which is one of the roles a spouse plays (not the talk about lovers part, but the more general "second brain" part).

Of course it's selfish of him to ask that you maintain what you have with him at the expense of your own full relationship. Unless he's actually come to grips with that and can take a step back and see what it is he wants/gets from you, he might start to be jealous and/or attempt to interfere with your connection with your BF. Or even if he recognizes it, it might not matter - at SOME level he's aware of it already.

So again think your hesitation is quite valid here.

Edited December 6, 2023 by mark clemson