Horrified

[Bamboozled]

This is my first post on something I never thought I'd be doing in a million years.  I've been married 39 years.  I came across some vile and disgusting communication between my husband and a longtime, long distance friend of his which brought me to the realization that my husband has had various homosexual dalliances at various times throughout our marriage.  When I was pregnant w/our second child in 1996, he was acting weird for days and wouldn't tell me what was up until he got a call from his doctor, who confirmed that he did not have AIDS.  What he told me at the time was that he was having a massage and that this guy unexpectedly put his finger you know where.  So, that was probably only partially true.  He begged for another chance and said that he'd spend the rest of his life making it up to me.  But through this communication I see that this went on long after that incident.  This is a man who prides himself on being a loving, wonderful husband, dad, good christian, the whole bit.  And he IS wonderful in so many ways.  I love our daily life together; I DO believe he loves me, we're a well-oiled machine and I simply can't imagine life without that.  I also can't imagine living with this soul crushing betrayal.  I can't imagine ever trusting him again.  He doesn't know that I know.  So I'm left with a dilemma.  Do I tell him?  Do I continue to live this life as is?  Does the good outweigh the bad?  Has he already made my decision by default?

[d0nnivain]

Only you know if you can live with this & even you probably don't know that in this moment.  It's too new.    But you need to do 2 things:  Get an STD test & tell him you know.   He'll probably be relieved that you know.  Living a lie all these years had to be hard.  That doesn't mean it won't come with shame or that he will want to stay now that the cat is out of the bag. 

I am so sorry.  I can't even imagine how devastating this is.  

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Bamboozled said:

.  I came across some vile and disgusting communication between my husband and a longtime, long distance friend of his which brought me to the realization that my husband has had various homosexual dalliances at various times throughout our marriage.  

Sorry this is happening. How did you come across this information? Unfortunately you may need to confront him and if he is still sexually active with men and others.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical health and get some tests done especially STD testing.  Be frank about your husband's high risk sexual behaviors. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

It's not just about a negative HIV test years ago,  you're at risk for other issues health wise and unfortunately the psychological toll of his betrayals and double life is stressful. 

Please read up on the risks:

https://www.cdc.gov/std/life-stages-populations/stdfact-msm.htm

[semble]

37 minutes ago, Bamboozled said:

What he told me at the time was that he was having a massage and that this guy unexpectedly put his finger you know where.  So, that was probably only partially true.

There better be a huge part of this particular story left to the imagination of the recipient otherwise I'll never get a massage from a male therapist for the rest of my natural life.

 

[glows]

Do you think he’ll eventually realize something is up with you if you’re tense or curt around him? You know yourself best on whether your behaviour around him will change regardless of whether you confront him about it. I believe the marriage will likely degrade or erode over time as you both drift further apart. 

The scary part is that you may have STDs you’re not aware of or continue to be exposed to them if you continue to have sex with him. I’d definitely get checked. Maybe seeing your dr or going for testing will help you realize how unrealistic it is keeping this a secret. I’m so sorry this is happening.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, Bamboozled said:

What he told me at the time was that he was having a massage and that this guy unexpectedly put his finger you know where.  So, that was probably only partially true.  He begged for another chance and said that he'd spend the rest of his life making it up to me.

I don't understand why he felt he had to make this up to you and beg you for another chance because a massage therapist unexpectedly put his finger in his anus.  How would that be your husband's fault?  That right there should have told you he was guilty as hell.   Yes, you need to tell him what you've found about him and these random men he's been having sex with or you don't have a marriage.  Why would you sit quiet just to hold onto what you consider model life (not) when your husband desires sex with men?  Get yourself medically checked and stop having sex with your husband to preserve your health.

[BaileyB]

I think you need to be honest with him for no other reason than, if you are still having a sexual relationship, you need to feel confident that he is not placing your health and well being at risk. Otherwise, I would not have sex with him again.

Telling him that you know doesn’t mean that you will/will not decide to stay in the marriage. That can be determined over time and with counselling (if you have the ability to seek individual and marriage counselling). Only you can decide if you want stay in the marriage - one could argue the decision either way…

He does need to be honest with you though. A massage therapist does not “accidentally” place a finger where a finger should not be without consent. And, one does not put themselves at risk of HIV by unprotected contact with a finger. 

[mark clemson]

There's no "right" answer to your situation. Some people would choose to instantly leave, others to quietly look the other way, some to "confront," some to "monitor", others to have a very calm and rational discussion, etc. Some would find the behavior (if done more openly/honestly) acceptable in a spouse, others would not.

Others above have addressed possible health implications. I would suggest you wait at least several days to "process" this before doing anything. At some point you'll realize what next steps are right for you.

[MsJayne]

Wow, you must be reeling. As everyone else suggests, an STD check up immediately. Maybe do that before you confront him about it, but confront him you must. Also maybe some counselling support down the track when the full shock and anger set in, you have a lot to deal with and, depending on your family and social circle dynamics, you may not be able to turn to your family or friends for support in this particular situation. Can I ask how you came across these communications? Not that it really matters, you're not the one who's been leading a weird double life for years. Thirty-nine years is a long marriage, and it's been mostly a happy one by the sound of it, how do you feel about this being out in the open between you? Could you live with it? You have to keep in mind that he'd be living with plenty of guilt and shame if he's been needing to hide this for all these years, and he'll probably be highly distraught when you tell him you know. It's a hard one for sure, is there any real difference between this and lying about having a mistress for years? It all comes down to deceit, not giving the you choice of whether you wanted to stay with a cheating partner, and potentially exposing you to STD's.  The 1996 story he came up with about the STD check and the accidental cavity search - I'm thinking you guessed something was up then, (much more than just a finger 🤨). I'll be interested to know how he reacts when you confront him, I'm guessing it's going to be highly emotional for both of you.