newbby Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 My "bf" and I speak for many hours each day on IM. We met once a long time ago and did not see each other again. He moved away for work and will be returning to my area soon. The thing is, he has fallen head over heels in love with me, and we have only met in real life that once and mainly only communicate on IM. Is this odd? Is it real or has he fallen for a fantasy version of myself? I guess I am worried that I may start to depend on those feelings of being adored and then when he moves here and reality sets in, he will change.
Outcast Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 You are quite right to be worried. He cannot possibly be in love with you; as you suspect, he's in love with his image of you which is built on a brief meeting, IMs (not even phone communication!), and little else. Don't depend on these feelings because they may well disappear when you spend more time together.
Author newbby Posted November 10, 2005 Author Posted November 10, 2005 Thankyou for your reply. Does anybody really fall in love with anything more than a fantasy in the beginning stages of a relationship though?
d'Arthez Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 Process-wise? Yes. It is easy to fall in love with an image you create yourself of a person (with or without the added help of the other person). Real love? No. Because it is fantasy, and you have barely reacted to the person in real life, if at all. It is not hard to portray yourself as a great woman or man. But it is hard to actually be a great woman or man. When people are putting on a display they can actually hide quite a few things, they do not want you to see. That is why real life experience is essential to actually fall in love with the person, and not the image of the person. Because IM / phone relationships allow for a great discrepancy between words and actions. And it also depends on how you define "falling in love." Those who believe in romantic ideals "cannot help themselves for falling in love." Those who take a more rational approach, do, and indeed will not "fall in love" that quickly, but need time and mutually enjoyable experiences for that to happen.
Author newbby Posted November 10, 2005 Author Posted November 10, 2005 Yes d'arthez, interesting. so even if somebody has already fallen in love with a fantasy image, can this progress to real love? or would there always be disappointment as the real person could never live up to this fantasy?
d'Arthez Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 Yes, it can . But of course it requires that both people involved have been honest, and have not been hiding things that are important, or could be considered important. And of course both people need to be aware that they are construing a fantasy image, by "virtue" of lack of real life interaction. So that they know that the image inside their heads is an ideal. And that the real person does not live 100% up to that. That is a guarantee. But if the basics are good, then the few "flaws" the both of you have are not going to cause things never working out between the two of you. Provided of course, that the flaws are of little consequence, and not major red flags, anyone would run away from. But I do think it is harder to run away from someone you have already "fallen in love with", if he or she displays red flags only then. But the same holds for meeting people in real life. As always, remain cautious. It can work out great, and it can be a total disaster. Just as any real life potential relationship. Best of luck!
magda Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 I think you can get to know someone pretty well online if you are honest about yourselves and honest to yourselves. But yes, meeting each other in person is a whole different can of worms and it can go either way from there.
Author newbby Posted November 10, 2005 Author Posted November 10, 2005 thankyou both d'arthez and magda, i guess the thing to keep in mind is that it is only an aspect of the other person you are getting to know.
Outcast Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 It is not hard to portray yourself as a great woman or man. But it is hard to actually be a great woman or man Well said, D'A!
Ladyjane14 Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 All good points. It's easy to get carried away with the online persona because each person can put forward only the parts of themselves that they WANT to share. They're completely at liberty to keep the bad stuff to themselves. But here's a thought for you..... I like the way my husband smells. Pheramones baby! It worked on me like stinkbait to a catfish!!! There's a nontangible element to lasting attraction. My guy can play soccer for three hours, then mow the lawn....and I'm lovestruck! Now, that's not to say that he could marinate in his own sweat for three days and then elicit my attention, but there is something chemical about him that I find attractive. Best bet for you would be to tell your long-distance Romeo to cool his jets. Friendship only for now. At least until you can spend enough time together so as to determine if he's hot, or NOT.....the old fashioned way.
Outcast Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Pheramones baby! It worked on me like stinkbait to a catfish!!! There's a nontangible element to lasting attraction. Unfortunately those mofos have a downside; you can get every bit as addicted to the pheremones of someone who's very bad for you as you can to someone who's a great match.
Author newbby Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 so thats also the upside, because you cant get to know somebody without being taken over and blinded by hormones etc.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 That's just part of the total package. You can get to know someone of course, and really like them as a friend. But if they're not physically attractive to you, then it's not going to end up being anything special or long-lasting. Some folks are really attractive in their photograph, but meet them in person and for reasons that can't be explained....you might find them somewhat repulsive. Maybe it's nature's way of keeping us from mixing our genetic materials with folks who won't be a good genetic match (????) I'm assuming that we're talking about a single guy. If so, then there should be no problem in measuring him as a potential match in every catagory. While his emotional and mental qualifications are important....so too is his physical appeal.
Author newbby Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 i meant CAN get to know someone, sorry. we have met in person, and the physical attraction was definetly there. yes, lj, he is a sg, i have moved on from the old days.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 yes, lj, he is a sg, i have moved on from the old days. Just checkin' kiddo. And I do hope he turns out to be WONDERFUL.
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