Suspicious on my wife, Now I am shocked

[daveamec]

I have been suspicious of wife recently and tried to find out what was going on. She speaks on phone, texting and mor than usual business meetings. I did follow her few times and could not find anything. I travel for work couple of times a months and tried to set a camera to record something. For around 8-9 months, i did not find anything unusual in the records and I was a bit relieved. Till recently, whey I just checked the records randomly, and I got shocked by the photos as she has been cheating. I am really shocked, distracted and lost all my focus. I cannot spend time on my work or my children. Even I lost weights due to struggle with my daily eating. My sleep is also terrible and going through lots of nightmares.  I would like to talk about this with her and do not know how to prove it. I fear about telling her about camera as I am scared of her reaction or possible violence. We have little children at house and het anger always scare children. I am looking for a peaceful conversation or resolution. I cannot continue like this. Any idea please?  

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, daveamec said:

. Till recently, whey I just checked the records randomly, and I got shocked by the photos as she has been cheating.

How long have you been married? How old are the children? How is the marriage overall? 

Have you cheated in the past? What made you so suspicious that you started playing private detective? What type of evidence have you collected as proof? What's on these videos and what are you doing with the videos?

What do you mean by "she will become violent"? 

Please speak to an attorney. See if tracking and video recording someone is legal in your jurisdiction, before you reveal that you've been spying on her.

 You'll also need to consult an attorney for information support and advice regarding your situation, child support and custody, division of assets and many other issues. 

Edited November 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[daveamec]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been married? How old are the children? How is the marriage overall? 

Have you cheated in the past? What made you so suspicious that you started playing private detective? What type of evidence have you collected as proof? What's on these videos and what are you doing with the videos?

What do you mean by "she will become violent"? 

Please speak to an attorney. See if tracking and video recording someone is legal in your jurisdiction, before you reveal that you've been spying on her.

 You'll also need to consult an attorney for information support and advice regarding your situation, child support and custody, division of assets and many other issues. 

It has been around 12 years. 4 and 8 are ages. Overall i think it was fine. I have never cheated. Her calls and unusual outgoing meetings made me think that something was going on. 

I have only records of her cheating which is now with myself as a proof. I tried to talk to some lawyers but their advise would be divorce most likely. I was thinking to talk with herself but fear about how to express about my ways of findings.   

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, daveamec said:

I have only records of her cheating which is now with myself as a proof. I was thinking to talk with herself but fear about how to express about my ways of findings.   

What exactly proves her cheating? Is there another man in the videos going into a motel or your house?  All you can do is ask her if she is seeing someone, but she would likely deny it. 

You can't confront her without revealing that you've been spying on her and yes an attorney may give you advice on divorcing. 

[FMW]

7 minutes ago, daveamec said:

I tried to talk to some lawyers but their advise would be divorce most likely.

Consulting an attorney would be to (1) see if your use of a camera without her knowledge is legal; (2)  what your financial position would be if you divorce; and (3) what child custody would look like if you divorce.  If you're not interested in divorce, there is no need to see an attorney unless or until she brings up divorce.

Whether you want to divorce or not, you need to talk to your wife.  Tell her you know she has been cheating.  You don't have to tell her how.  Avoiding talking to her and facing reality will only be worse for you.  

Why do you fear she would be violent?  If she has a history of violence then that's at least as big an issue as the infidelity.  Your children should not be in an environment where violence is a possibility.  If she has violent tendencies, a peaceful resolution with an honest conversation is probably not possible.

[daveamec]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What exactly proves her cheating? Is there another man in the videos going into a motel or your house?  All you can do is ask her if she is seeing someone, but she would likely deny it. 

You can't confront her without revealing that you've been spying on her and yes an attorney may give you advice on divorcing. 

Thanks a lot. I have records of her with another man at our house. Twice in the last couple of months. I am not sure about anywhere else. I may be. 

I am trying to find how to confront her.  

[basil67]

Where I live, installing a secret camera can result in jail for up to five years....so if she (or her lover) finds out that you were recording her illegally, either could report you to the police.  Or use it as ammunition in case of divorce settlement

So if you want to leave her, invent an excuse.  If you don't want to leave her, you might want to start by having a look at the state of the marriage in general.  Have you been feeling any disconnect between the two of you?

[daveamec]

4 hours ago, FMW said:

Consulting an attorney would be to (1) see if your use of a camera without her knowledge is legal; (2)  what your financial position would be if you divorce; and (3) what child custody would look like if you divorce.  If you're not interested in divorce, there is no need to see an attorney unless or until she brings up divorce.

Whether you want to divorce or not, you need to talk to your wife.  Tell her you know she has been cheating.  You don't have to tell her how.  Avoiding talking to her and facing reality will only be worse for you.  

Why do you fear she would be violent?  If she has a history of violence then that's at least as big an issue as the infidelity.  Your children should not be in an environment where violence is a possibility.  If she has violent tendencies, a peaceful resolution with an honest conversation is probably not possible.

Thank you for your advise. I have been trying to talk however she keeps denying it while I have proof. I am not looking for divorce. I just want to know her problem is she loves the other guy or not. And if not, how we can stop it? How can i ensure her I am aware of the issues. 

[daveamec]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Where I live, installing a secret camera can result in jail for up to five years....so if she (or her lover) finds out that you were recording her illegally, either could report you to the police.  Or use it as ammunition in case of divorce settlement

So if you want to leave her, invent an excuse.  If you don't want to leave her, you might want to start by having a look at the state of the marriage in general.  Have you been feeling any disconnect between the two of you?

Thank you. I am based in Australia too. I have not felt any disconnection. I am not even sure if she loves the other guy or it is a no string attached relationship. I am not sure of details to see how I can analyze the outcome.   

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, daveamec said:

Thank you. I am based in Australia too. I have not felt any disconnection. I am not even sure if she loves the other guy or it is a no string attached relationship. I am not sure of details to see how I can analyze the outcome.   

Marriage therapy could help if you want to stay married and find out if she is happy. It's better than illegal spying to help your marriage. 

[Will am I]

Something already seriously derailed at the time you chose to setup a camera.

In a healthy marriage you shouldn't want to be parented by your spouse, nor would you want to parent your spouse. 

Yet you chose to setup a camera rather than to express your concerns. I don't know what was wrong in the communication between you and your wife at the time, but something was off.

 

About how to move forward: it starts with choosing your position on the matter. Do you want to reconcile with your wife and continue the marriage? Do you believe you can close this chapter of her infidelity or would it be like a dark cloud that's going to be there forever?

Second suggestion: you may want to stay married, but when confronted with the spying she may pack her bags. Nothing you can do about that but be prepared that the ball isn't entirely in your court.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Why do you want to stay with a cheater?   More importantly a violent cheater?  The thing that jumped out at me about your post wasn't that she was unfaithful but that her anger scares your children & that you are afraid of violence once she learns you know she has been cheating.  A violent home is no place for kids.  

[BaileyB]

This is not something you can fix if she will not admit to you that there is a problem. And, if you can’t trust or have an honest and transparent discussion with your wife, you don’t have much of a marriage.

Unfortunately, you can’t admit to her that you have proof because you came by that proof illegally (that’s a terrible thing to do to someone, btw. If my husband ever did that to me, it would be grounds for divorce - regardless of who is/is not cheating). 

I understand that you don’t want to divorce but staying married doesn’t seem like a good option if you wife is lying to you and won’t admit that she is cheating. 

If it was me, I would file for divorce. You don’t have to say anything, you don’t even have to give her a reason… and then, I would ask - “is there anything you want to tell me?” If she values your marriage, she will be motivated to keep it. If she doesn’t say anything, then you know where you stand…

[Gaeta]

You are in shock & disbelief that's why you're initial reaction is to not leave her. You can't believe you're in this situation and you want it to disappear. I know, been there. 

Think about it, she did not only cheat but she cheated under your roof. She cheated in the home you built together and where you are raising your children. Someone has to be extremely immoral to do something like that. Then she gets violent to the point the children are afraid of her...why do you want to stay married to someone like that? Why do you want to subject your children to this? You know how much a toxic mother will traumatize children for the rest of their lives!  It's much better to divorce for them as well. 

Go back to your lawyer and file for divorce and have a request that she's the one moving out. That should not be hard to get if she is abusive toward all of you. 

Do you know the man she is cheating with? Was it the same guy twice?

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you want to stay married to someone like that? Why do you want to subject your children to this?

If what you are saying OP is true, this is the question that you should be asking yourself right now… not, how do I fix this. 

You can’t fix the fact that you chose a poor relationship partner. You can’t fix her. All you can do is leave… and give your children the possibility of a calm and peaceful home life - at least part of the time. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Well yeah, that's what people do when they suspect cheating. They set up some kind of monitoring. Private detector, camera, recording, whatever. Checking on cheating (and the checking arises out of intuition that something is wrong) doesn't put you in the same category of wrong that your wife is in through her actions.

You haven't talked to her. And you are worried about talking to her. You even mention fear of violence. 

So, if you are afraid of violence, you ought not be with this woman. Period. 

If you are to confront your wife over cheating, then probably could benefit from some therapy help. You can't be in an equal marriage if you can't call out your spouse when they perform one of the worst betrayals possible. She won't respect you if you can't call her out. You'll live in fear and live running around behind her and around her--if you can't confront her. So this marriage has major problems. The affair is forcing some of these problems to the surface. 

But basically if you're afraid to confront her, then you ought not be married to her. 

[daveamec]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You are in shock & disbelief that's why you're initial reaction is to not leave her. You can't believe you're in this situation and you want it to disappear. I know, been there. 

Think about it, she did not only cheat but she cheated under your roof. She cheated in the home you built together and where you are raising your children. Someone has to be extremely immoral to do something like that. Then she gets violent to the point the children are afraid of her...why do you want to stay married to someone like that? Why do you want to subject your children to this? You know how much a toxic mother will traumatize children for the rest of their lives!  It's much better to divorce for them as well. 

Go back to your lawyer and file for divorce and have a request that she's the one moving out. That should not be hard to get if she is abusive toward all of you. 

Do you know the man she is cheating with? Was it the same guy twice?

Thanks a lot. Great sympathy and suggestion.

I do not know the man. Yes same man both times

[mark clemson]

While morals are very much in the eye of the beholder (just ask a vegan), it does sound to me like you've accepted and to at least a certain extent love a toxic partner. I'm going to conjecture from there that you have a pretty dysfunctional relationship and that you have allowed the dysfunction to become "normalized". Indeed you appear to be so comfortable with it and yet afraid of her that you prefer to look for ways to smooth this over in as circumspect a manner as possible.

Sadly, dysfunctional relationships don't seem to be overly uncommon and people fall in love with the wrong person all the time. The price of mating/reproducing in an uncertain world, I suppose.

One question to ask yourself - is it her you're afraid of or being alone? Perhaps things weren't like this at the start, but it does seem like you are paying a high price emotionally in order to maintain a relationship.

If the safety of you children becomes a genuine concern, it would be time to contact authorities. Emotional abuse is, unfortunately, less easy to pin down. If you can't control the other person, sometimes the best one can do is provide an alternative and look for ways to build resiliency.

Edited November 24, 2023 by mark clemson

[Progress99]

Marriage counseling if both parties go in with good intentions will help you realize whether or not you truly want to remain in this relationship. I personally think it's a bit unnecessary to pursuit this route as it seems like your partner has checked out of the relationship and is pursuing "relief" elsewhere. Most importantly, think about your kids and their future if you choose to remain in this relationship.  

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, Do you think your wife would be so understanding as you have been?

[daveamec]

On 12/3/2023 at 12:56 PM, Bryanp said:

If the roles were reversed, Do you think your wife would be so understanding as you have been?

no I do not think so.  She may not understand