Insignificantdetails Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 (edited) Admittedly I've suffered with a bit of anxious attachment in the past and I've been working at being more secure. Long story short, I spotted an acquaintance on Tinder & we matched. He asked me out right away but we had to postpone due to my trip. We set a date when I got back but then he cancelled 48 hours before because of a funeral abroad. This totally checks out. Now he's back but going on a work trip (he's an academic invited to a lot of conferences lately) and asked to see me this Saturday when he's 'coming back from the airport but could meet you at the bar we agreed to meet at before'. I'm going to a show in the next city so replied I couldn't but would like to see him Sunday or Tues. He replies 'I reckon Sunday. Need to double check tomorrow.' That was 2 days ago and nothing since. I get the feeling he isn't bothered about making this happen anymore - and I care because he's the first guy I've really liked for a while. What do you think? Edited November 21, 2023 by Insignificantdetails
Wiseman2 Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said: I spotted an acquaintance on Tinder & we matched. He asked me out right away but...... replied I couldn't but .... He replies 'I reckon Sunday. Need to double check tomorrow.' That was 2 days ago and nothing since. How do you know each other as acquaintances? How long have you been talking? Unfortunately you seem too busy to date since everything he's suggested so far doesn't seem to gel with your schedule. It seems more like he's thinking You can't bothered about making this happen anymore. All you can do is try to be a bit flexible when it comes to dating, try to find mutually convenient times dates and places and try to set things up. It's only been a couple of days but if you keep being this unavailable it's possible he gave up. Edited November 21, 2023 by Wiseman2 2
Author Insignificantdetails Posted November 21, 2023 Author Posted November 21, 2023 (edited) @Wiseman2 thanks for your perspective. I guess I can see why he might think that. I've known him for 1.5 years through a meet up and I think we've mutually liked each other but never known the other person's status really. Also the meet up has been very on and off so don't know him that well but he always asks about me and how I am, my cat and hobbies etc. Nice guy. He did cancel our first date and I did propose two alternative days. Doesn't that show im still keen? What do I do now, wait for him to confirm? I also went on a first date last week. We talked the week before, arranged to meet on Wed & we did! I'm not interested in going further sadly but we made it happen. Edited November 21, 2023 by Insignificantdetails
Alpacalia Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 (edited) Why on tinder open to date if you were going to be traveling? Maybe next time wait until you're back that way you can actually set something up to meet. I think you shouldn't be so invested in a guy you haven't dated. Schedule the date if you want to go out, then respond warmly, but only about the date. Don’t put too much into him until you’ve dated. Edited November 21, 2023 by Alpacalia 2
Author Insignificantdetails Posted November 21, 2023 Author Posted November 21, 2023 (edited) I know @AlpacaliaI was actually planning to switch it off later that day before he popped up! I got so excited given I actually like him in real life and didn't want to miss the opportunity. I've definitely learned a lesson from these kind of delays though. Edited November 21, 2023 by Insignificantdetails 1
stillafool Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 I agree with Alpaca, why go on Tinder looking for someone when you're getting ready to go out of town. Then he tries to see you on the Saturday night when he returns and you still turn him down. He's probably bored at this point, I would be. 1 1
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 I think this is a busy time of year & your schedules just don't mesh. After the holidays if you bump into him IRL try to reconnect then. 1
Author Insignificantdetails Posted November 21, 2023 Author Posted November 21, 2023 Well @stillafool I have theatre tickets on Saturday night with a friend. What am I supposed to do, not go? He probably is bored. I feel it's lost steam but I still like him and would be disappointed if we don't meet. As it stands I've now swallowed my pride and messaged him about this Sunday so we'll see what he says.
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 Don't think of your message about Saturday as "swallowing your pride". I see it as you being assertive & confident enough to pursue what you want: a date with him. What you did was a celebration of women's equality. Hold your head up! 4
Wiseman2 Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 3 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: @Wiseman2 I also went on a first date last week. We talked the week before, arranged to meet on Wed & we did! I'm not interested in going further sadly but we made it happen. That's a good point. You're both still talking to and meeting others so scheduling something with him seems difficult unless you really want to meet him. People are not too busy for what they're interested in. 1
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 1 hour ago, Insignificantdetails said: He probably is bored. I feel it's lost steam but I still like him and would be disappointed if we don't meet. Disappointment doesn't kill. Learn to recognize when someone is not enough motivated to meet you. 1
Versacehottie Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 I think your schedules were too tough so each of you is gettin slightly dejected! IMO, even though there were logistical issues with the night you have your show/concert, you either should have said "let's meet up before or after the show" OR really put on the enthusiasm. I'd say after a few tough to schedule moments you have to make it really clear that you want to see someone---with your tone (has to go out of just the logistical monotone "I can't do it then" to something closer to over the top!) or rather than say "I can on sunday or tuesday", I would have said it was up to you to SUGGEST something specific and also enthusiastically. Also make it clear that the concert is "with friends" etc. Although he has no right at this moment over what you do, it feels better when someone is being transparent about why they can't make it so his mind doesn't fill in the blanks (for ex you reconnected on tinder so if you just say I can't make it bc I have a show, then he doesn't know who you are going with, etc). Ok then here is my next question: do you think he's just looking for a hookup and that is why HE hasn't been able to make it or throws out the suggestion casually and hasn't followed up? Don't panic, just keep it in perspective. You reconnected on tinder; he doesn't seem super in a hurry to get together or is trying to appear casual about it, play it cool, etc. Don't panic that just means you might have to play a longer game--keep your expectations in check and match his energy a little bit more. Good luck 1
Author Insignificantdetails Posted November 21, 2023 Author Posted November 21, 2023 Ok everyone, a little update. He replied to my message and yes he'd like to meet on Sunday and created a new plan/asked if I was happy with it. He seems more enthusiastic so maybe he was just looking for extra reinforcement that I actually wanted to see him as much? @Versacehottie he expressed early on that he wants a serious monogamous relationship. But he is a little cool at times as you note and has a demanding job. Yeah I could've said the show was with 'friends'. I feel like it's hard early on as you don't know each other and the whole thing is exciting but also feels a bit fragile. I have to say I'm really looking forward to it but will keep my head until I see how it goes! 3
Versacehottie Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 2 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: Ok everyone, a little update. He replied to my message and yes he'd like to meet on Sunday and created a new plan/asked if I was happy with it. He seems more enthusiastic so maybe he was just looking for extra reinforcement that I actually wanted to see him as much? @Versacehottie he expressed early on that he wants a serious monogamous relationship. But he is a little cool at times as you note and has a demanding job. Yeah I could've said the show was with 'friends'. I feel like it's hard early on as you don't know each other and the whole thing is exciting but also feels a bit fragile. I have to say I'm really looking forward to it but will keep my head until I see how it goes! I think yeah sure he was looking for more reinforcement from you/trying to play it cool himself. Don't forget he doesn't know what your intentions are either. Tinder (or any app) would put it into his head that YOU are dating others (as much as you might feel insecure about his intentions that goes both ways). Also presuming you were texting or messaging about meeting up, so just keep in mind that is the level of communication in which all the intonation and your excitement can get lost. It's a little sterile compared to a real conversation over the phone, FT or in person..so to get an enthusiastic message across you need to be more explicit than in person IMO. And I think that conveys confidence anyway. It doesn't have to be like you are a clinger or have expectations about anything further than the date you are planning, only that you are excited to spend time with him. No harm in that. And the same goes with casually dropping that the concert is with friends...you don't have to say it in the reason you are declining the saturday invite, but put it into the next sentence or paragraph when you are talking in general..that sort of indicates you know you aren't "obligated" to each other but that you have honesty, quell any insecurity he might have, etc. Dropping it into convo like that sort of helps his ego (for feeling insecure about something he has no right to know but might feel insecure about anyway) and also doesn't presume any obligation not to be dating others...it's just a little side fact (with big implications but no one wants to really admit they care about but everyone does!). It's all fragile at the beginning. lol. That's why you don't want to play to your own insecurity. Even if you did everything "right", there are things out of your control anyway, so you might as well figure out HOW to put your best foot forward as that is the only thing you can control! Doesn't necessarily mean doing things in a calculated way to be perfect but to be your genuine and best self, IMO is your best chance. Ultimately that's how you figure out who is best for you anyway. I think it's great to be excited and look forward to the date. Try to stay in the moment and not think PAST that date...that's usually where anxious or overthinking people go way wrong. You should start to think from this POV: "i want to see if he is right for me/fits into my life/would be fun for a 2nd date"...lol I'd say just the "would be fun for a 2nd date is the right thing to focus on at this point. When people jump into the future and try to think of how they can win the other person over, IMO they basically already lost because the balance is off and the other person is chased and feels the desperation. The shift of being the "decider" levels the playing field. On that note: "he expressed early on that he wants a serious monogamous relationship" Take this statement with a grain of salt. He could very well be looking for a relationship but everyone that says and means that MEANS "if you are the right one for me." So it's essentially meaningless. Slightly better than someone who is not open to it but all it means is he's open to it if you were the right one for him. I don't even know why something like this would come up this early and when you've found him (again) on tinder... Lol I wouldn't be taking that statement seriously at all. You need actions and evidence in everything but statements. Taking 2 days to reply about setting up a date, sort of is an action that indicates he's not in a hurry about a relationship and/or has other priorities, so yeah don't lose your head. Haha good luck! 2
Wiseman2 Posted November 21, 2023 Posted November 21, 2023 4 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: He replied to my message and yes he'd like to meet on Sunday and created a new plan/asked if I was happy with it. He seems more enthusiastic Excellent. Glad you worked something out. Have fun on the date. 1
fred123 Posted November 28, 2023 Posted November 28, 2023 On 11/21/2023 at 2:31 PM, Gaeta said: Disappointment doesn't kill. Learn to recognize when someone is not enough motivated to meet you. So true. Some people can't be bothered to see you even if you are down the road. They just not into you
Author Insignificantdetails Posted December 8, 2023 Author Posted December 8, 2023 Hey everyone - just a little update to say the date was awesome it went on longer than expected and we really hit it off. It's early days but I definitely feel something with strong potential. The issue is that two weeks ago he went back to his home country and is there now until Christmas (booked long before we met). So I said, have a great time and we can keep in touch now and then. Since then, he has messaged me every day. Then today's there's nothing - I shouldn't care because it's so early, of course. We still won't see each other IN PERSON for another 3 weeks. Is there any way to dial this back without losing the connection?
Wiseman2 Posted December 8, 2023 Posted December 8, 2023 9 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said: the date was awesome he went back to his home country and is there now until Christmas. he has messaged me every day. Then today's there's nothing That's great. Stay in light touch and don't panic if there's less contact while he's away. That's ok. He's probably busy catching up with friends and family. Send some pics now and then and keep each other posted. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 46 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said: Is there any way to dial this back without losing the connection? um yeah....trust and believe..... your anxious stuff will get the best of you. You have to leave some space for someone to miss you, appreciate you, etc at the beginning stages. For you (an anxious person), you prob feel the need to "do" something...in fact it's totally embedded in your question really. I think you need to flip that on its head and tell yourself what you are DOING is giving it some space. If you are going to only measure "how well is this going/will there be a future for us" by how much you are contacted in the beginning stages, IMO it's going to get old really fast. That is typically what happens. And becomes unbalanced and you feel like an obligation or burden to the other person. Dial it back by having your own stuff going on. You can "save up" little stories or things you want to share with him for when you do talk. IMO in the beginning it's good to let the guy set the pace for a lot of reasons but one being is that you can see what their real interest is...and it feels good and like his choice (to him). What makes you think you will "lose" the connection if you don't talk for a 1-2-3 day period. IMO, even when you are further into dating the person who is on the vacation sets the pace of contact from wherever they are. You need to think BEYOND this week/these days and think long term...if you want this to succeed, a key is being something that he WANTS to spend his time doing, leave him (longing) to spend time with you (talking/texting/staying in touch). Try to chill out. And don't forget what usually draws people to each other in healthy relationship is to be drawn to someone you consider your equal or better (which usually means that on your own you have your own stuff going on/own interests/something that makes you, you). Good luck
ExpatInItaly Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 8 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: Since then, he has messaged me every day. Then today's there's nothing Who has done most of the initiating?
Alpacalia Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 Well, see, you're already heavily dependent on the conversations if you're this worried and nervous about this guy you just met not messaging you after just one day with nothing. So, lesson learned. Keep the conversations to a minimum if you want avoid too strong feelings this early. 1
Author Insignificantdetails Posted December 9, 2023 Author Posted December 9, 2023 (edited) @ExpatInItaly initiated by him, but I kept batting the ball back. Anyway @Versacehottie - I've figured out why he was taking a while to reply (which he did this morning). I had asked him something which he couldn't avoid replying to in an honest way. He's just told me that he needs to move to the next country over in May. He says he 'needs' to take the contract offered. I'm really surprised by this because he said he was seeking long term. And also, I'm upset honestly. We talked about how we were both flexible/open to living in a range of places during our date. But he never mentioned the move. Although we just met, I like him more than anyone I've met for years. And at this point I'm not quite sure how to respond. I should mention his new city is 3 hours from where I am now. My job is mostly remote/moveable but it's too early to broach that. Edited December 9, 2023 by Insignificantdetails
ExpatInItaly Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 29 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said: He says he 'needs' to take the contract offered. I'm really surprised by this because he said he was seeking long term. And also, I'm upset honestly. We talked about how we were both flexible/open to living in a range of places during our date. But he never mentioned the move. To be fair, you two are just getting to know each other on a deeper level, and circumstances change. Perhaps this is an offer he really can't turn down, for various reasons. I would be careful to keep your expectations in check here. 35 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said: Although we just met, I like him more than anyone I've met for years. That may be, but it doesn't mean you should be thinking past the first few dates yet. Of course it reasonable to know where he'll be at geographically, but I would avoid pinning your hopes on anyone so early on. 1
Alpacalia Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 I know you've known him for a bit and you've had one date? ' While it's disappointing, people's lives do change depending on where they are in their own lives - and realistically you two have no commitments together. Naturally, it would have been nice if you were aware of this ahead of time but also, it seems it wasn't something solidified. How did he leave it? Did he mention meeting up before he goes? Try not to think to far ahead in terms of moving or long distances. Just take things day by day and find out if you would like to take things to the next level after getting to know each other (after more than one date). Don't jump the gun as he may not have plans to take it any further once he goes. See how things progress.
CaliforniaGirl Posted December 9, 2023 Posted December 9, 2023 16 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: Hey everyone - just a little update to say the date was awesome it went on longer than expected and we really hit it off. It's early days but I definitely feel something with strong potential. The issue is that two weeks ago he went back to his home country and is there now until Christmas (booked long before we met). So I said, have a great time and we can keep in touch now and then. Since then, he has messaged me every day. Then today's there's nothing - I shouldn't care because it's so early, of course. We still won't see each other IN PERSON for another 3 weeks. Is there any way to dial this back without losing the connection? I'm so happy for you! Did you hear from him?
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