Not even sure this qualifies as a break-up, but I'm still devastated and don't know what to do

[GEM33]

I was on a trip with a friend back in February of this year when I met a guy (he was our Uber driver). I had no intention of meeting a guy. Was not on the market for a guy. But I got home and found I couldn't stop thinking about this one, so I texted him when I got back home, and we became friends.  I did find out he had a girlfriend, so I got really sad about that but I really liked him and continued with the friendship via text. In August, I had to go back to the town where he lives, and I asked him if he would mind providing some transportation for me (he does Uber on the side after losing his job a couple of years ago), and he agreed. We spent a lot of time together and became even closer. Nothing happened - we just talked for hours and hours, shared meals, etc.  I found out he and the GF had been on again/off again for several years, and he really didn't seem to like her all that much, just felt obligated to stay with her because she'd stuck by him through some hard times. As a matter of fact, he did nothing but complain about her being controlling and jealous and keeping him from having any kind of life or seeing his friends. She seems very high-maintenance and needy and she doesn't work so she's always asking him for money and he's currently not in the best financial situation, but anyway that's their issue.      

But a few weeks after I returned home, I saw on her social media that they'd broken up. After I got home from the August trip, he and I texted a lot more - probably every few days - but again, it was just 100% a friendship. Then I found out I had to go back to his state in November, so I asked if he could provide transportation again. He said yes, and he told me he wanted to hang out more this time if I was up for it, so I was really looking forward to the trip, which was last week. I thought maybe something would come of it. The first day or two was awesome. He kept taking me to all his favorite restaurants and bars, and we sat on the beach and watched the sunset and talked and talked and talked. We flirted a lot, and it was just a lot of fun...and I just knew it was going somewhere. 

But on the third day, he started getting nonstop calls and texts.  It didn't take me long to figure out they were from the ex-girlfriend. He was so distracted and frustrated acting that I finally told him I just wanted to hang out by myself some, so I did for the rest of the day.  That night, I started getting calls in the middle of the night from her...I never answered them. I wish I had now.  Long story short, on the fourth day, I decided I needed to make my feelings for him clear, and I did. He told me he knew that I liked him and that he really liked me too and he'd been so tempted to start something with me, but he felt like he had to give the ex-girlfriend another shot. Once again, he explained how she'd stuck by him when he went through some really tough times in 2021, and even though they had a lot of issues, he just didn't feel right giving up on her so easily.  I felt so stupid and cried for hours that night and he alternated between being super sweet to me and getting mad and frustrated with himself. The worst part is that I was stuck with him for a few more days after this. For those days, they texted a lot, and he was either laughing and sending her pictures or getting annoyed with her. It was exhausting.  

Two nights after I confessed my feelings, we had some drinks, and he usually cuts himself off after a certain number, but he basically doubled what he usually drinks. He kept flirting with me and telling me I should "go home" with him (we were both staying in the hotel where we were drinking, in separate rooms). While this was tempting, I knew he'd regret it if he wanted to work things out with this girl, so instead, I spent the evening babysitting him and made sure he got back to his hotel room without doing something stupid because he was doing very stupid things... The next day, he was sick as a dog, so I continued to take care of him again.  On the last day of my trip, I just wanted to relax and do stuff by myself, but he insisted on hanging out with me. When he finally took me to the airport to come back home, he was telling me goodbye, but it was like he'd alternate between being mad and emotional (I swear his voice was cracking) and to be honest, I just wanted to get out of there.  He told me to text him when I got home that night, and I did, and he was acting normal. But then I sent him a text thanking him for everything, reiterating my feelings for him, but telling him I didn't want to be in the middle of whatever it was going on with this girl and I hoped we could remain friends. That was four days ago, and he hasn't responded.  

Like I said, I don't think this really qualifies as a break-up, as we were never together, but it sure does feel like one. I absolutely adore this guy, and I know he could have such a better life if he got out from under this woman. Without going into detail, she's holding him back from a lot of things. And I don't mean me, I mean with his career and stuff.  I've spent the whole weekend in bed crying. I didn't expect to like him this much, and now I'm not sure if I'll ever hear from him again. I have to go back to his town in either February or March, and I'm like do I even bother contacting him if I do? I really just think it's best if I move on, but, as cliche as it sounds, I haven't liked anyone this much in a long time and I was certain he was my future.    

 

Edited November 21, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, GEM33 said:

 That night, I started getting calls in the middle of the night from her...I never answered them. telling him I didn't want to be in the middle of whatever it was going on with this girl and I hoped we could remain friends. That was four days ago, and he hasn't responded.  

Sorry this happened. How far away is he? Unfortunately it seems like he was looking to cheat on his GF.

  It's good you closed this down. It seems like a vacation fling. Please delete and block him and All his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Try to date locally and although meeting people randomly is fun, in this case it didn't end well. Unfortunately you were overinvesting in this and his drama. 

Edited November 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

So this guy cultivated a "friendship" with you, knowing that you were sweet on him....all while he had a girlfriend.  So, he's stringing you along and still dabbling with his on again/off again girlfriend.  Nice     If you did become his girlfriend, how could you ever trust him when he's out driving his UBER for all the pretty ladies who may reach out to him after the ride?   

He's not the sweet man you think he is.  Rather, he's quite the opportunist

 

 

[glows]

I know you’re butt hurt right now because he went back to his ex but hold on a second here. You just met him in Feb this year and you thought this guy might be your future? Doesn’t that seem a little fast to you.

I think your ego is bruised because he chose his ex over you after you’d made some fairly judgmental comments about her and thought this was a slam dunk for your employed and sensible self in comparison to her needing his financial support and being unsupportive towards him. 

You got carried away by some flirting and a confused guy. I’m curious what exactly happened in 2021. Was that when he lost his last job? She helped him somehow? Got him motivated to do Uber? He feels he needs to repay his debts or has unfinished business so let him. For your sake, yes, stop talking to this man. He’s off limits.

No matter how much better you think he can do than her, it’s not your place to assume you’re a better woman. And besides, why would you want to compete for a confused man? This makes no sense at all. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, GEM33 said:

I know he could have such a better life if he got out from under this woman. Without going into detail, she's holding him back from a lot of things.

No, don't even go there. 

You don't know this woman at all. All you know is what he told you,  which may or may not be true. I wouldn't put it past a guy like this to slant the story to fit his narrative and make her out to be terrible - all the while he was the one chatting up other women while still dating her. Stellar dude. 

You are blinded by this clown and neglecting the red flags that he is waving right under your nose. He knows what is he doing and it would be foolish to think you are the only Uber woman he's toyed around with. No wonder his ex is "possessive" and "jealous." Look at the guy she is dating. Forget him. You got played, girl. 

[stillafool]

He's full of it.  As bad as he says she is you would think he'd jump at the chance to be with calm, sensible, helpful you.  Instead, he chooses to go back to his awful girlfriend who he can't stand.  Does that make sense to you?

[d0nnivain]

It is kind of  like a break up because even if you two didn't label it that, you went on dates & did other couple stuff so it hurts.  

He's too conflicted & for whatever reason not ready for a new relationship with you.  He has to detach from her & that is not happening quickly. 

Disconnect off social media.  Use the real Uber app next time you are in town.  Date others.  If he pops back up completely free from his EX & you are free, you can give it another try but for now you have to leave the ball in his court expecting he will never throw it back to you. 

[NuevoYorko]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

So this guy cultivated a "friendship" with you, knowing that you were sweet on him....all while he had a girlfriend.  So, he's stringing you along and still dabbling with his on again/off again girlfriend.  Nice     If you did become his girlfriend, how could you ever trust him when he's out driving his UBER for all the pretty ladies who may reach out to him after the ride?   

He's not the sweet man you think he is.  Rather, he's quite the opportunist

 

 

Also the fact that he spent a lot of time trash talking his girlfriend to the cute UBER client ... 

This would be a very bad bet for a relationship, no matter how compelling you felt your chemistry was.  

[Alpacalia]

Geesh, you've certainly chased the wrong kind of guy.

For starters, let's just get it out there: The dude used to be a bowl of jello on half a good day.

You can't seriously be thinking he sounds attractive. But above and beyond his financial and emotional limitations, let's look at what you're really chasing: a guy who's in a questionable relationship with an unacceptable woman. Be honest - what makes you think that a guy who's in such a mess of a situation is going to be any kind of prize for you? If anything, he's going from a woman that cares enough to somewhat (albeit apparently jealously) care for him to a woman that did nothing but willingly care for his carcass for a lot longer.

Look, stop feeling sorry for yourself because of your past relationships and start seeing things for what they truly are. This is not an opportunity to beat yourself up because you "favored a few over many for so long", but to recognize that you now probably have a clearer view of what it was you've been doing.