Jump to content

Possible drunken kiss with husbands best friend

Avaanne

By Avaanne,
in Infidelity

 Share Followers 4

Recommended Posts

Avaanne

Avaanne

Posted
Posted

This is a long mess… I drank way more than I should have on an empty stomach and got inexcusably drunk to the point that I don’t remember what really happened. Things I did recall or thought I recalled, my best friend told me were wrong. 

I vaguely remember kissing my husbands best friend. I just can’t believe either of us would do that. We have been friends for over 10 years. Not ever have I even been attracted to him and I never got the impression he was attracted to me. I don’t even know how we got to be alone. I feel so much shame and guilt, but I don’t even know if I’m remembering a real event. I got home very late and very drunk so it’s possible I dreamed this nightmare. I have considered asking him, but what if it didn’t happen? That would be a really strange thing to ask someone. He is married too and happily so. He’s a genuinely good person. Beside the fact that I can’t even imagine myself doing something this awful, I can’t imagine he would. He’d be one of last people I would think would do this. I’m not now and have never been interested in him that way. I’ve been married for a long time as has he, I can’t say I even thought about it which is why us kissing is an absolutely ludicrous thought.  

My husband has cheated on me several times, actual affairs. I’ve only stayed because we have small kids. I don’t trust he won’t do it again, but we did go to marriage counseling. Although even after that he did it again. Obviously it’s unlikely this marriage will last past my kids getting a bit older. However, I had no intention of getting even and especially did not think I would sink so low to kiss his married best friend. 

I asked my best friend if he and I seemed flirty at all, she said definitely not. After my husband left with other friends to go to another bar she said me and his best friend weren’t even really talking. We were talking with other people. I just don’t know how to figure this out. I feel so awful and I’m so disappointed in myself for allowing myself to drink to the point that I can’t remember what even happened and possibly did something so despicable. 

I’m at a loss about what to do. I have not heard from him. I feel like if this really happened he would reach out to discuss this issue, but he was also really drunk so he may be in the same place I am… questioning his sanity and his ability to make really bad decisions. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wiseman2

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
13 minutes ago, Avaanne said:

 I feel like if this really happened he would reach out to discuss this issue. 

Put it behind you. Whether it happened or not is unclear but he probably doesn't want to "discuss" it. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Avaanne

Avaanne

Posted
  • Author
Posted

By “discuss” I meant I figured if it happened he would ask if I am going to tell my husband or advise me if he planned on telling his wife and or my husband. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
basil67

basil67

Posted
Posted

What's done is done.  Or not done, if you didn't do it.   At any rate, you can't change history so let it go it and learn from the experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wiseman2

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Avaanne said:

By “discuss” I meant I figured if it happened he would ask if I am going to tell my husband or advise me if he planned on telling his wife and or my husband. 

Why would you want to create this kind of drama? It seems you are overreacting to some guilt about getting blackout drunk. It's not as if you woke up in some randoms bed. Other people were there. 

If he contacts you about it and threatens to tattle to his wife why would he do this? 

It's interesting that you also mentioned your husband is a chronic philanderer and you're only "staying for the children". 

Why not privately and confidentiality speak to an qualified therapist, not only about your marriage but about drinking and guilt? 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Avaanne

Avaanne

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, MarloPeterson said:

What gives you the inclination that it was anything other than a dream?

We went out with 12 people including my husband that left with a couple of the other guys to meet other friends, for whatever reason his best friend and I ended up being somewhere alone together. I know that for a fact. I don’t know why we were alone together or for how long. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation, I just don’t know what it is. While I don’t remember being alone with him, that’s the very vague memory of a kiss. 

Edited by Avaanne
Link to post
Share on other sites
Alpacalia

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted

It's not a long mess. It's a cry for help from someone who is emotionally drained and feels like they have hit rock bottom. Your husband has cheated on you multiple times and you have stayed because of your kids - but you are now facing a situation in which you may have cheated on him, and with his best friend no less.

I feel that you're so beat down by everything that has happened in your marriage that you're just numb and unable to process anything. But deep down, you know that this is not who you are or who you want to be. I can sense the guilt and shame in your words, and it's clear that you do not want to believe that this event actually happened. It's possible that you were just extremely drunk and imagined it, or maybe it was a dream.

But even if it did not happen, the fact that you are even questioning your own actions speaks volumes about your state of mind and your relationship with your husband. What you need right now is some time and space to process everything that has happened. Don't try to push away your feelings of guilt or shame, but also don't let them consume you.

As for the possibility of reaching out to your husband's best friend, I would advise against it. If he did not initiate contact with you after the incident, it's best to let it go and focus on yourself and your own healing. Bringing it up now may cause unnecessary drama and damage to your already fragile relationship with your husband.

Instead, take this as a wake-up call to start taking care of yourself and making positive changes in your life.

Seek therapy for yourself.

If not, then focus on co-parenting and rebuilding your life in a way that brings you joy and fulfillment.

Link to post
Share on other sites
glows

glows

Posted
Posted

If you don’t know without a doubt don’t say anything. This is a pretty horrible marriage considering he’s hurt you multiple times, even after marriage counselling and you see no future with him. I’d wonder if you were wanting this to happen for some time or whether it’s a manifestation of severe distress and stress. You’re a parent of young children trapped in a marriage believing you’re doing it for the good of your kids. And who knows if you have STDs…please see your doctor, get tested and be very careful around your husband. Use protection as much as possible etc. Even then it doesn’t seem protect you from everything. You’re taking a huge risk staying in this marriage. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Avaanne

Avaanne

Posted
  • Author
Posted
20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Why do you need to know? What would it change - whether you did or did not kiss the man? 

I’d like to know if I did so I know whether I should avoid him or not. If we did kiss, it’s just awkward. If we didn’t then I have no reason to feel uncomfortable around him. Id also like to know if I’m seriously capable of something so terrible. I don’t think I’ll ever know so I’m just gonna default to avoid and I’ll definitely be a lot more careful drinking from now on, even if I can’t even imagine drinking again at this point. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Avaanne

Avaanne

Posted
  • Author
Posted
7 minutes ago, glows said:

If you don’t know without a doubt don’t say anything. This is a pretty horrible marriage considering he’s hurt you multiple times, even after marriage counselling and you see no future with him. I’d wonder if you were wanting this to happen for some time or whether it’s a manifestation of severe distress and stress. You’re a parent of young children trapped in a marriage believing you’re doing it for the good of your kids. And who knows if you have STDs…please see your doctor, get tested and be very careful around your husband. Use protection as much as possible etc. Even then it doesn’t seem protect you from everything. You’re taking a huge risk staying in this marriage. 

I have no intention of saying anything. I’ve never felt his friend was coming on to me, so even if it happened I don’t think he was acting on something he’s been feeling, I certainly wouldn’t have been. It was a drunken mistake if it did happen. 
 

And I agree, if it did happen that is likely the reason. I can’t come up with any other reason than I have pent up anger, not that it excuses the behavior. 
 

We have both been tested multiple times and there was a waiting period after I found out each time for a lot of reasons including me making him move out for a while. I almost didn’t let him come back, but my kids are really attached and I travel a lot for work so it made it hard to be in my own with them. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Avaanne

Avaanne

Posted
  • Author
Posted
40 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

But even if it did not happen, the fact that you are even questioning your own actions speaks volumes about your state of mind and your relationship with your husband. What you need right now is some time and space to process everything that has happened. Don't try to push away your feelings of guilt or shame, but also don't let them consume you.

As for the possibility of reaching out to your husband's best friend, I would advise against it. If he did not initiate contact with you after the incident, it's best to let it go and focus on yourself and your own healing. Bringing it up now may cause unnecessary drama and damage to your already fragile relationship with your husband.

Instead, take this as a wake-up call to start taking care of yourself and making positive changes in your life.

Seek therapy for yourself.

If not, then focus on co-parenting and rebuilding your life in a way that brings you joy and fulfillment.

Thank you for your kind words, time and advice. I’m going to find a therapist. I was seeing one for months, but after that I didn’t feel it was progressing. 

I’m not planning on reaching out to his friend, my plan is avoidance. I thought if it happened he’d ask me if I was going to tell my husband given all of our issues. Maybe he wouldn’t ask that, but I’m certainly not going to seek him out. I’m embarrassed enough. 

This is definitely a wake up call, I’m not making good decisions and that concerns me. To get to get to a point like this is horrible. I never wanted to be that kind of person, I really hope I’m not, but I have no way to really know. 

Thank you again. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
MsJayne

MsJayne

Posted
Posted

I'd just let this one go through to the keeper and let it stay a fuzzy memory. If anyone says anything just plead drunken stupor and no memory of it.  I'm wondering why you feel guilty? It's not like you owe your husband any loyalty, and it's not like you went at it like rabbits around the back of the pub. It's no biggie, just carry on as if it never happened, because it may not have. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
 Share
Followers 4
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...