In Love with a Cheater

[Marysunshine]

18 hours ago, semble said:

He's a lying, manipulative cheater who is in it only to satisfy his own selfish needs. When you didn't give him what he wanted, he got nasty.

I wish all questions were this easy.

 

I wish I could have seen them so clearly and easily on my own.  I guess there were a lot of emotions involved that made it hard for me to see.

Thank you.

[Will am I]

Sharing your thoughts and receiving other people’s points of view can absolutely help to gain a vlearer view. Sometimes things are just easier to spot from a distance.

 

Wishing you all the best in moving on from this relationship.

[Marysunshine]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

What this man did was AWEFUL. He misled you for an entire month. He lied to you, and he played with your emotions. You were simply reacting to the way he positioned things. What you need to figure out is 1. What kept you in this position once you learned the truth. and 2. how do you never end up with someone like this again. 

Definitely don't beat yourself up!! You are much better than what this guy did, so stop. 

You've learned lots now by being jerked around. This is how to become stronger and make clear your purpose and your goals so you will not end up in this position again. I am so deeply sorry that you were deceitfully dragged into this insidious scheme.

Moving forward, be thankful that you are out of this destructive and mind manipulation relationship. Make yourself a strong plan to make sure that this will never happen to you again in the future, so you won't damage yourself or your goals. 

Thank you. I'm working on understanding why it was so hard to walk away, for so long. And on how to change myself so that I never attract this kind of many again. 

Edited November 20, 2023 by Marysunshine

[Marysunshine]

Thank you so much to everyone for all the comments and support.  I had a hard time seeing things clearly, and hearing so many people tell it like it is and all say the same thing really helped me see.  I finally understand what happened, am sure I did the right thing, and am relieved that this person is out of my life.  I actually have the closure I needed, and so now I feel I can move on. I'm still trying to understand why I fell so hard and why it took so long to get over, a combination of things I guess, I think I will probably understand this in time. I just want to make sure that this doesn't happen again...

 

 

[Marysunshine]

On 11/19/2023 at 5:34 AM, NuevoYorko said:

He was nasty from the get-go.  He was married!   

What I don't get is the part where you "dated for a bit" and then he told you he was married.   After just a "bit" of dating, it seems like it would have been pretty easy to just walk on.

It was a very strong connection right from the very first day. Much stronger than I have ever had with any other man. We saw each other for a few months only, but it was not casual dating.  It was intense and we were close.  I have dated other men for the same amount of time and gotten over them relatively quickly when it didn't work out. 

For whatever reason, I got very invested in this man right from the beginning. A combination of things, I guess. I think there was maybe also a lot of emotional manipulation involved, if he is actually a sociopath or narcissist like some people have mentioned, so maybe this is also why it took longer for me to detatch.

[Marysunshine]

10 hours ago, Will am I said:

Sharing your thoughts and receiving other people’s points of view can absolutely help to gain a vlearer view. Sometimes things are just easier to spot from a distance.

 

Wishing you all the best in moving on from this relationship.

Thank you

[BaileyB]

17 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

Before I give up on a person, I usually give them so many chances, over and over again, until something happens to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person is just not salvageable. 

Well, something happened to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that this guy was not your guy - he is married to another woman. That’s not salvageable. 

I would say that this is the lesson this experience has given you the opportunity to learn. This guy doesn’t deserve more chances. He doesn’t even deserve the time that you’ve given him already. He was a sleaze and it’s time to accept that and move on… It was fine to accept that and move on about two weeks after you learned the truth. 

I too like to believe the best in people and I can justify and excuse bad behavior like everybody else. But this guy did something reprehensible - and while your ethics are good, you got to work on your boundaries. Time to say - I only give my precious time and energy to people who bring positive things to my life… this guy is not worthy of your time or attention. 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

And on how to change myself so that I never attract this kind of many again. 

It's not that YOU attract those type of men, all women do, it's that YOU are attracted to those type of men that's the problem.  Women with high self esteem also attract those type of men but they don't get involved with them because they value themselves.   Therapy can help you build your self esteem.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

Thank you so much to everyone for all the comments and support.  I had a hard time seeing things clearly, and hearing so many people tell it like it is and all say the same thing really helped me see.  I finally understand what happened, am sure I did the right thing, and am relieved that this person is out of my life.  I actually have the closure I needed, and so now I feel I can move on. I'm still trying to understand why I fell so hard and why it took so long to get over, a combination of things I guess, I think I will probably understand this in time. I just want to make sure that this doesn't happen again...

Try reading up on ways to spot a married man. Now, I've never been in a situation where someone I dated for a short while turned out to be married, but I've definitely heard enough horror stories from these boards. I am not sure though that there is a surefire way to spot a married man, as they can be very good at hiding their marital status.

However, I am sure there are some red flags that you may want to look out for.

That aside, after you learned he was married, you were already deeply attached to him so maybe it would be tough to spot those red flags if they were even there. I am not sure of your exact situation, but the best way to avoid falling for a married man would be to take things slowly in a new relationship and pay attention to any signs that something may be off. The other thing is that you have to be strong enough to walk away if you learn that the man is married. It may be difficult, but ultimately it is the right thing to do. So, it took you a bit of time to do that, but you did indeed find the strength to end the relationship which I applaud.

Part of building good and healthy self-esteem is learning how to be COMPASSIONATE with yourself and your feelings. Forgiving yourself.

So, if you're feeling sad or disappointed about this relationship ending, acknowledge those feelings and allow yourself to feel them. And then remind yourself that you deserve to be with someone who is truly available and committed to you. At the end of the day, someone who is willing to cheat on their spouse is not someone who can truly love and respect you.

Don't beat yourself up for falling for someone who turned out to be married, but let it be a lesson for you to be more cautious in the future.

[Progress99]

Towards the end he realized he had nothing to lose hence turning nasty on you. It also seems like this is something he normally does, meaning he encounters potential female tenants and runs "game" on them. You certainly have dodged a bullet implement NC and as difficult as it may seem know that he really didn't have pure and honest intentions for you from the beginning.  

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, Progress99 said:

Towards the end he realized he had nothing to lose hence turning nasty on you. It also seems like this is something he normally does, meaning he encounters potential female tenants and runs "game" on them.

Yes this happens because he isn't invested in these women.  He already has someone at home.  When strange doesn't act the way he expects them to, he gets nasty with them.