In Love with a Cheater

[Marysunshine]

I met a man about a year ago, and fell head over heels.  He chased me persistently, we dated for a bit, and it was perfection, or it seemed so (I realized after that there were a lot of red flags).  When I first saw him, I had an intuition come to me saying "That's your husband" (although I never told him this), and he told me that he thought it was fate that we had met, among other things and other demonstrations of affection. 

One month into the relationship, he told me that he was married. We had never really discussed anything personal before (red flag) and I was shocked.  Horrified that he thought it was okay to cheat on his wife, lie to her, and not even tell me.  I cried for a long time that night, he waited with me and cried also, apologized and looked really sad.  He told me that he and his wife were having problems, that they had taken separate vacations, and that it was not working between them.

The next day I left town for two weeks.  He wrote to me to apologize, I didn't answer.  I was in agony, feeling extremely guilty about his wife, but at the same time still having strong feelings for him.  I was totally confused and kept going back and forth from anger, to sadness, to forgiveness, to resignation, to guilt.  When I got back, we met and I fully intended to break it off immediately.  But I couldn't do it, I still had so many feelings, and he looked so forlorn and so sad, so happy to see me. We kept seeing each other for a few more weeks, but I didn't feel good about it.  I felt guilty and unhappy and sad, and I finally told him I couldn't continue.  He told me it was complicated with his wife, that he wanted to keep seeing me and suggested that we take a 1 month break.  I agreed.  We saw each other again after the month-long break, and it did not go well - I was upset and he told me he couldn't handle it.

Two months passed with no contact.  He wrote to me again a few months later, and I didn't respond.  I called back a few weeks later and he said some of the meanest things to me I have ever heard.  He told me he wanted to stay with his wife, he wasn't interested in me and he was sure it wasn't going to work, but that he would like to come and see me at my house.  I said no immediately, and was left reeling at how mean he had become.

We had no contact for many months, and finally last week I decided to meet with him to give him a piece of my mind and get closure. This time, he was even meaner than before.  I told him never to contact me again, erased his contact and blocked his number. 

I'm still extremely hurt and confused by this whole thing.  How could  a person go from being so sweet to so nasty in just a few months?  He was wonderful at the beginning, sweet, generous, helpful, dropping everything to come and see me and help me with whatever I needed, spending hours on the phone, full of smiles and cuddles and hugs... How did it go downhill so quickly? How did he think it was ok to date me without telling me he was married? Or to date anyone while married, for that matter? My fault for not asking (I have definitely learned my lesson), but still, it seems like such a dishonest thing to do. 

Did he care about me at all, or was it just a ruse from the beginning to get me into bed? (Just to clarify, I never slept with this man, because I am unable to sleep with a man outside a committed relationship, but there was other physical contact.) I feel as though I've been jerked around, used, gaslighted, lied to, and have also committed adultery, and it is not a very nice feeling.  I feel used, and very very naive.

I am wondering if I should tell his wife.  It doesn't seem right what he is doing, to her. It feels as though she should know what her husband is doing behind her back. Should I tell her that her husband is lying and cheating on her?  

I am really struggling to cope with my hurt feelings and with the disappointment. I am very confused, and just trying to make sense of all this so I can find peace and move on...

These are some of the things he said to me while we were seeing each other, at first they seemed harmless and he said them with a smile, and then he got progressively meaner and meaner as time went on :

Our being together will be a nice memory for me when I'm old.

It's good that you have a big bed, it will be perfect for you when you get a boyfriend.

I don't have time to take you out, but I would love to come to your house.

It has to be a secret, my marriage is my priority.

I have to work to take you for a drink? I thought I only had to work to get into your bed.

This is my offer : I will stay with my wife, but I can come and see you at your house. Think about it and let me know.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Marysunshine said:

I never slept with this man, . I told him never to contact me again, erased his contact and blocked his number. This is my offer : I will stay with my wife, but I can come and see you at your house. Think about it and let me know.

Sorry this happened. How old is he? How did you meet? Do you work together?

You did the right thing deleting and blocking him. Do not contact him or his people. Just walk away. Yes it was obviously  "just a ruse from the beginning to get me into bed".

Please avoid people in other relationships. Avoid disrespectful horndogs. Get a good profile and pics on quality paid dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available men who want what you want. 

[Weezy1973]

Yes, it seems he was just trying to get you to sleep with him. Also a note, you can’t get closure from another person. Closure is something you do for yourself. 

[Marysunshine]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How old is he? How did you meet? Do you work together?

You did the right thing deleting and blocking him. Do not contact him or his people. Just walk away. Yes it was obviously  "just a ruse from the beginning to get me into bed".

Please avoid people in other relationships. Avoid disrespectful horndogs. Get a good profile and pics on quality paid dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available men who want what you want. 

Thank you. He's the same age as me, 42. We met when I went to look at an apartment for rent, he was the landlord. We don't work together, and have no reason to see each other again.  I never date people already in relationships, it goes against everything I stand for.  In this case, I didn't know he was married, he hid it until 1 month into the relationship.

I feel very very stupid for falling for someone who didn't care at all, even from the beginning.  I feel very manipulated, or just very naive. Or both.

So you really don't think he ever cared at all? It's helpful to hear, even if it's painful, because I just can't seem to see it for myself.  If you don't mind my asking, how can you tell that it was a ruse?  Is it from the comments he made? Or from the way the whole thing panned out?  I don't have much experience with men, and I have had a lot of abusive people in my life, so I guess I'm starving for affection and I fall easily for the tiniest bit of affection or kind words.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Marysunshine said:

 We met when I went to look at an apartment for rent, he was the landlord. So you really don't think he ever cared at all? 

He seems like a run of the mill wolf. No, he didn't care at all. Hopefully you didn't take the apartment.

That seems to be his way of preying on women. Getting their personal info on an application then using it to try to get free escort services with a pack of lies. Completely unethical. If possible, report him. 

[Marysunshine]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems like a run of the mill wolf. No, he didn't care at all. Hopefully you didn't take the apartment.

That seems to be his way of preying on women. Getting their personal info on an application then using it to try to get free escort services with a pack of lies. Completely unethical. If possible, report him. 

Ok then. That makes it very clear.  I did feel a bit preyed on, but I was always unsure. It really helps to hear it from someone else. 

No, I did not take the apartment, so it will be easy to cut him out of my life, practically speaking, although emotionally it might be more difficult.

It sounds like a good idea to report him, but I wouldn't know where to start. Do you have any idea who I might report him to or where I might go to do this?

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Marysunshine said:

 I did not take the apartment, so it will be easy to cut him out of my life, It  sounds like a good idea to report him, 

 Is it an apartment building or a private rental? Who owns the property? Unfortunately imagine a creep like this having master keys to women's apartments. 

[Marysunshine]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Is it an apartment building or a private rental? Who owns the property? Unfortunately imagine a creep like this having master keys to women's apartments. 

It's an apartment building, but he does not own the whole building. He owns the top floor, and he rents it out as apartments. I don't know if he has a master key to each apartment.  Would you suggest reporting him to rental authorities or something similar?

[stillafool]

You're probably not the first woman he's had an affair with and probably won't be his last.

4 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

don't have time to take you out, but I would love to come to your house.

It has to be a secret, my marriage is my priority.

I have to work to take you for a drink? I thought I only had to work to get into your bed.

This is my offer : I will stay with my wife, but I can come and see you at your house. Think about it and let me know.

These were his truths statements he said to you.  At this point he removed his filter and just told you the truth.  He was probably tired of lying and no longer cared how bad it came off.  Usually when men talk this way to a woman they have someone else lined up.  He lost respect.

 

4 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

I am very confused, and just trying to make sense of all this so I can find peace and move on...

 

There's nothing to be confused over, you got involved with someone else's husband and he used you.  All you need to do is look at his actions and read his words to know how much he cared for you.  You didn't need to meet up with him to give you a piece of your mind, you could have done that by phone or text.  To heal, go NC and block him.  It's important to remember to ask men if they are involved with someone or married before getting involved with them.  

Edited November 18, 2023 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

If there is some kind of housing authority or consumer fraud agency in your are try them but unless he's sexually assaulting these women, there is no law against manipulating a situation to your own advantage.   If it's not quid pro quo -- have sex with him in exchange for the apartment or a break on rent -- it's probably not illegal although it's immoral & skeevy, 

[BaileyB]

All men are kind and wonderful when they are trying to get the interest of a woman. It’s the words that he said to you when you told him that he was not going to get what he wants that you should attend to - as was said above, that is his truth. And, when people show you who they really are - believe them.

I’m sorry that this has happened. I would focus less on the feelings and more on the lesson… what did you learn here that will help you in your next relationship? Hopefully, you will be more attentive to some red flags that you never thought to look for before. The other thing that you learned is that you a woman with strong boundaries and good ethics - that’s something of which you should be really proud.

You mourn what you wished this to be. That’s why you feel confused, you have yet to truly accept the reality of the situation. But this is life, there are all kinds of turns and disappointments along the way… we adapt and move forward. Don’t spend too much time looking in your rear view mirror, you will miss the wonderful things that are coming for you…

Edited November 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

The reason he turned nasty is that you threw a spanner in his works. People like him don't expect their prey to be difficult, they much prefer it when they can just take what they want without any annoying expectations of decency or honesty. Turned out you're much smarter than he thought and your moral code was stronger than his manipulation tactics, and you may not feel like it, but you actually won this battle and have come out of it relatively unscathed. The behaviour you've described fits the bill of a sociopath who had chosen a target and then had their plans thwarted. Once they realise they're not getting what they want they drop the Charming and out comes the Nasty, because they no longer have a reason to pretend to be nice. As far as telling his wife goes, she probably already knows she's married to a creep, and if they're taking separate vacations that tells you what sort of shape their marriage is in without any input from you. Don't be surprised if you haven't heard the last of him, people like him usually reappear and have another crack because they can't stand losing and that means they must be the one to end things, but not before they've taken what they came for. If he does ever contact you again, then you should contact his wife, because that would get rid of him for good. Be grateful your moral code called this one out, you've narrowly escaped being reeled into the role of sexual convenience to a monster. You'll recover soon enough .  

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

In this case, I didn't know he was married, he hid it until 1 month into the relationship.

To be fair, you are not the first woman to meet a man and date him for a few weeks, only to learn that he is married. 

You are not the first and you won’t be the last, unfortunately. The first few dates you are focused on getting to know the man… more serious conversations happen later so one can’t say - “didn’t you notice, did he never take you to his home, didn’t you ask?” No - you were getting to know the man and as often happens a few weeks into the relationship - you discovered a deal breaker. The end. 

If anything, I am mostly concerned that a year has passed and you are still perseverating on this. I understand that you feel duped and used, and I can appreciate that this doesn’t feel good. It will shake anyone’s confidence. But seriously - you dodged a bullet here and as Jayne said above - you are the winner here. Be grateful. There was a woman posting on this site last year who discovered her “boyfriend” had a wife TWO YEARS into the relationship. Imagine that! 

Girl, you got ti let this go. You shouldn’t be so invested in a man after one month that you are still thinking about him all these months later… let it go. And, if you can’t do that you should really find a counselling to help you to let it go.

Edited November 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

 I did not take the apartment, so it will be easy to cut him out of my life, practically speaking, although emotionally it might be more difficult.

You definitely dodged a bullet. He seems like a sleazeball. Not sure if it's reportable but it's definitely creepy. 

[Will am I]

You already know he’s a horrible person who has no problem taking advantage when he gets the opportunity and  has no problem hurting you when he doesn’t. And you realize there’s no future with him. 

The big question to ask yourself: what more would you need to be able to let him go mentally?

I’m hoping that it was enough closure to write in this topic and get things off your chest.

 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Will am I

[semble]

He's a lying, manipulative cheater who is in it only to satisfy his own selfish needs. When you didn't give him what he wanted, he got nasty.

I wish all questions were this easy.

 

[NuevoYorko]

16 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

 How could  a person go from being so sweet to so nasty in just a few months? 

???  He was nasty from the get-go.  He was married!   

What I don't get is the part where you "dated for a bit" and then he told you he was married.   After just a "bit" of dating, it seems like it would have been pretty easy to just walk on.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

 

 

17 hours ago, Marysunshine said:

I have to work to take you for a drink? I thought I only had to work to get into your bed.

It doesn't get much slimier than this. 

Edited November 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Marysunshine]

23 hours ago, BaileyB said:

All men are kind and wonderful when they are trying to get the interest of a woman. It’s the words that he said to you when you told him that he was not going to get what he wants that you should attend to - as was said above, that is his truth. And, when people show you who they really are - believe them.

I’m sorry that this has happened. I would focus less on the feelings and more on the lesson… what did you learn here that will help you in your next relationship? Hopefully, you will be more attentive to some red flags that you never thought to look for before. The other thing that you learned is that you a woman with strong boundaries and good ethics - that’s something of which you should be really proud.

You mourn what you wished this to be. That’s why you feel confused, you have yet to truly accept the reality of the situation. But this is life, there are all kinds of turns and disappointments along the way… we adapt and move forward. Don’t spend too much time looking in your rear view mirror, you will miss the wonderful things that are coming for you…

Thanks. Yes, this is exactly it, I am mourning what I wanted it to be, which is also why I am having such a hard time letting go.  I am also a bit gullible at times - I believe the best in people in general, and I have a hard time actually accepting that sometimes a person is just not worth it. When someone does something unkind or unacceptable, I tend to make excuses for the other person, and tell myself that surely there must be a good reason for this behaviour - he must be going through a really hard time, he must be confused, he must be in a terrible place, he must be suffering and conflicted, etc. etc. I know this about myself, but I don't always manage to apply it.  Before I give up on a person, I usually give them so many chances, over and over again, until something happens to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person is just not salvageable.  With men, I have a hard time realizing and accepting that there are sharks, and I don't protect myself enough, until it's too late.

[Marysunshine]

23 hours ago, MsJayne said:

The reason he turned nasty is that you threw a spanner in his works. People like him don't expect their prey to be difficult, they much prefer it when they can just take what they want without any annoying expectations of decency or honesty. Turned out you're much smarter than he thought and your moral code was stronger than his manipulation tactics, and you may not feel like it, but you actually won this battle and have come out of it relatively unscathed. The behaviour you've described fits the bill of a sociopath who had chosen a target and then had their plans thwarted. Once they realise they're not getting what they want they drop the Charming and out comes the Nasty, because they no longer have a reason to pretend to be nice. As far as telling his wife goes, she probably already knows she's married to a creep, and if they're taking separate vacations that tells you what sort of shape their marriage is in without any input from you. Don't be surprised if you haven't heard the last of him, people like him usually reappear and have another crack because they can't stand losing and that means they must be the one to end things, but not before they've taken what they came for. If he does ever contact you again, then you should contact his wife, because that would get rid of him for good. Be grateful your moral code called this one out, you've narrowly escaped being reeled into the role of sexual convenience to a monster. You'll recover soon enough .  

It helps a lot to read these words. I am very, very insecure and generally have pretty low self-esteem, which is why I think I attract men like this. But I do have a very strong will and strong convictions underneath the soft exterior, and I think it catches them offguard. I guess I look like easy prey, and then it turns out that I'm not. Even though I'm easy to manipulate for a while.  I know these things about myself, but I'm still not really able to catch these situations before they happen and walk away.  Lack of love, I suppose, and needing affection. I really believed every word he said at the beginning. I could see that there were cracks in it, and I could also tell that something was not right because I wasn't feeling good, but my heart just drank up all the nice things he did and said, and then after I couldn't let go.  I guess that's how people like this operate : they turn on the charm so you get hooked, and then they take what they want. And I suppose they choose people who are kind of weak emotionally, who will fall into the trap easily. I know all this already, I just couldn't see it in this situation, with all the emotions running so high. Hearing you talk about it like this makes it so much easier to see. I understand so much better now, and I think it will be easier to move on.  Thank you 

[Marysunshine]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

It doesn't get much slimier than this. 

Yes, I thought it was pretty slimy.  This is one of the things he said just before we met for the last time.  I suppose he had already started to let his guard down and stop pretending, and then after this just got nastier and nastier.

[Alpacalia]

What this man did was AWEFUL. He misled you for an entire month. He lied to you, and he played with your emotions. You were simply reacting to the way he positioned things. What you need to figure out is 1. What kept you in this position once you learned the truth. and 2. how do you never end up with someone like this again. 

Definitely don't beat yourself up!! You are much better than what this guy did, so stop. 

You've learned lots now by being jerked around. This is how to become stronger and make clear your purpose and your goals so you will not end up in this position again. I am so deeply sorry that you were deceitfully dragged into this insidious scheme.

Moving forward, be thankful that you are out of this destructive and mind manipulation relationship. Make yourself a strong plan to make sure that this will never happen to you again in the future, so you won't damage yourself or your goals. 

[Marysunshine]

23 hours ago, BaileyB said:

To be fair, you are not the first woman to meet a man and date him for a few weeks, only to learn that he is married. 

You are not the first and you won’t be the last, unfortunately. The first few dates you are focused on getting to know the man… more serious conversations happen later so one can’t say - “didn’t you notice, did he never take you to his home, didn’t you ask?” No - you were getting to know the man and as often happens a few weeks into the relationship - you discovered a deal breaker. The end. 

If anything, I am mostly concerned that a year has passed and you are still perseverating on this. I understand that you feel duped and used, and I can appreciate that this doesn’t feel good. It will shake anyone’s confidence. But seriously - you dodged a bullet here and as Jayne said above - you are the winner here. Be grateful. There was a woman posting on this site last year who discovered her “boyfriend” had a wife TWO YEARS into the relationship. Imagine that! 

Girl, you got ti let this go. You shouldn’t be so invested in a man after one month that you are still thinking about him all these months later… let it go. And, if you can’t do that you should really find a counselling to help you to let it go.

I am sorry, but I feel very judged by this comment.  The whole situation with this man was extremely humiliating for me, and it is embarrassing to  post it on here.  But I did because I thought it would really help, and it has, so I don't mind having aired it all out.  But it sounds to me like you are telling me that my story is no big deal, somebody else had it much worse, and I should just get over it already, which does not seem like the nicest way to respond to someone's post, when they are sincerely asking for help. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it was a big deal to me. 

I have dated other people for a few weeks before, and gotten over them very quickly afterwards when it didn't work out.  With this man, it was not the case.  For some reason, I fell very fast and very hard, and have had an extremely difficult time forgetting him, which has made the whole thing even harder.  Obviously, if I could have just bounced back afterwards, understood that he was a jerk immediately and been grateful to have escaped such an ass, I would have done it.  If I didn't, it is because I just wasn't able to emotionally and because, for whatever reason, I just couldn't see it.  Which is the whole reason it was difficult for me, and the whole reason I posted on here, to get some outside perspective to help me understand and move on.  And to help me do precisely what you are telling me I should have been able to do on my own : realize that he was a jerk, be grateful I dodged a bullet, and learn to move on.

[Marysunshine]

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You definitely dodged a bullet. He seems like a sleazeball. Not sure if it's reportable but it's definitely creepy. 

I think you're right, it's probably a very good thing I did not take the appartment.

[Marysunshine]

21 hours ago, Will am I said:

You already know he’s a horrible person who has no problem taking advantage when he gets the opportunity and  has no problem hurting you when he doesn’t. And you realize there’s no future with him. 

The big question to ask yourself: what more would you need to be able to let him go mentally?

I’m hoping that it was enough closure to write in this topic and get things off your chest.

 

I had an idea that he was a horrible person, but I had a lot of trouble accepting it and making it fit the other persona he was presenting : loving, caring, affectionate, generous, full of hugs and cuddles, concerned, always there whenever I needed a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on.

But with all these comments on here, it seems very clear to me now that it was all an act.  I'm not sure I would have been able to realize it on my own.  But now I do.  And I definitely feel that I'm getting closure enough to move on - I understand what happened, I know I did the right thing, I know I'm better off without him, and happy that he's gone.  

So I think I am able to let him go now, mentally.  Thank you