goober Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 Ok, this will be a long post, so here it goes. I am a married man, late 30’s, with a wife the same. We have a 6 year old daughter. We have been married 12 years this past summer, but been together for 20 years now. We did not get married right away due to school (I was away) and lack of employment. We had many difficulties in having our one (and only) child. It brought us very close together, through numerous miscarriages, the premature birth of our daughter, and the near death experience my wife endured in having our child. Needless to say, having this healthy beautiful girl means the world to both of us. Since the birth of our daughter, however, our lives have changed. I know I have changed, but not to the extremes that my wife has. As a result, I am simply not in love with her anymore. I find myself not tolerant of her actions and behavior. Among the things that have changed and/or diagnosed about her: she is 100 lbs overweight (the doctor who delivered our daughter warned her about this) has developed diabetes, has been diagnosed with PCOS (google it, takes too long to explain) has high blood pressure, and has, according to a therapist friend of the family, what she believes to be a case of Borderline Personality Disorder. In short, not only is she a physical wreck, but at times an emotional one as well. She is tired of all these issues, but really does not want to work on any of them. Because of the issues that my wife has, I have had two affairs this year. I never felt that I could have one, but my marriage is unfulfilling, and my spouse is wearing on me. We have acknowledged that our marriage is in poor shape; in her words, “it sucks”. She has said several times over the past year that she did not know why she stayed with me. I have told her to leave, if she that is her wish. Marriage counseling has been brought up; but she drops the subject. She has told me numerous times that she was no longer going to work on the marriage, since it appeared that I was not. She has also, at times, given up on “everything” (housework, marriage, etc) She has grown tired of her job. She even went through a phase where she did not pay the bills, until I opened my own checking account and began to pay everything. The therapist friend believes that the wife needs help badly. The first affair occurred in the spring/summertime. A co-worker (yes, I know) approached me; she was having difficulties in her marriage, and so it went. However, we ended it peacefully, and with no repercussions (to this point). It happened, we ended it, and we still get along at work. We both know it was a mistake, and that was that. The second is on going to this day. It started in early fall; a friend of both me and the wife, whose own marriage is poor. She and her husband have not had sex in 3 ½ years. She will not leave him, for she does not want to shoulder the blame for a divorce (he is from an influential family) and he does not acknowledge her. She has asked him if he was gay, or had another woman, but he denies these things. The friend and I (have known each other for 7 years now) began this affair out of what we perceive as lonely loveless marriages. We have leaned on each other for emotional and physical support that we are unable to get from our spouses. We care for each other, and have feelings for each other. The L word has never been brought up by either of us, but I figure it will at some point from either one of us. We would not leave our respective spouses for each other, but if we were divorced from our spouses, then in all probability we would marry. She has many of the same issues with her husband that I have with my wife; namely health issues, a “give up” attitude towards marriage, etc. They have one child as well. That’s it for now. I’ll sit back and see what you all have to say about any of this.
suegail Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 The thing is that all these other factors have taken such an impact on your wife emotionally. She went through a difficult pregnancy and has lost her health, you've distanced yourself from her at the worst time imaginable, and from what she has said to you it's obvious she is aware of what your feelings toward her are, and that has to hurt a great deal to feel that the person you have loved is all but gone from you at a time when you've needed them the most. "The therapist friend' is right. She does need help, and you could certainly offer that help, and with great concern and sincerity you should offer it. Do that, for her, for your child. Stop trying to run from your problems, and that is what you're doing through these affairs, it's an escape you feel you want and need. Be what you are supposed to be, be a husband, be a father, be a man.... People go through hard times in marriage, unbelievably hard times, and when the stress is high I don't think it's unusual to feel the love is lost, but that is not always the case...it's just masked by the human response to turmoil and change. Some people tend to grow closer and some grow apart, but I believe those who prevail are those who know how to reach out in compassion, those who know how to face hardship. I hope you'll try the counseling. I hope you'll convince your wife that it is the best thing to do, both of you, trying together to make things work. I hope it's a decision you'll make... Best of luck..
OldEurope Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 I don't blame you in the least for having an affair, or "falling" into one, as you have said. No person can be expected to do all the heavy lifting in a marriage. I am tired of this attitude, very often from the wife I am sorry to say, that once married, its all "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" attitudes from those blaming physical or weight issues on a husband or another person. My handsome, athletic, gracious, loyal and intelligent brother is in something of the same situation; the wife has "given up", won't spend time with him, apparently won't sleep with him, runs to mother all the time, has grown totally distant--while he is the only one working, paying the bills, buying everything, paying her huge medical costs, so on and so forth. He has not yet had an affair, but if and when he does, I cannot say I will blame him. You will get responses here saying, "How can you! How could you! What about her needs" and the rest. Balderdash. A grown woman must also be self-reponsible, and any spouse who says "Our marriage sucks" cannot then expect the other partner to be shackled to a dismal attitude like that forever. Miscarriages are horrendous, but plenty of women have had them, sadly, and it is no excuse for imprisoning oneself or others in a life of sadness "Vows", to my mind, are also broken when one person gives up on his or herself, no longer commanding the "love, honor and respect" that the other saw in a vision of marriage together. Marriage is a two way proposition
newbby Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 Its not very clear what advice you are seeking. Or did you wish to just talk about these things? I agree to some extent with what OE has said. The thing is, why not divorce her? It seems as though neither of you is helping the other by staying together. What of the ow? Could you be in an exclusive relationship with her or do you think she only makes your marriage more bearable?
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 You have to decide if you want to be married or not. Period. It's not fair to your wife and daughter if you go outside the marriage. And it isn't fair to the OW either - She probably will fall deeper for you and that will make things harder for everybody, most of all you. Do you want your heart torn not wondering who you really want? Your wife is unhappy due to her health issues and I'm sure her being overweight because of these issues doesn't make her feel good or sexy. Marriage vows are important, your daughter is important - All the efforts made to have a baby, your daughter - Your wife's body has paid a high price for that ... Is that fair? I'm not saying that it can/can't work, the marriage, but atleast try to go to marriage counselling, make her go to salvage what is left of it. Get her on board and work together. If she doesn't want to do that and you really are heck bent on having an affair, she has a right to know about the affair. Let her decide if she wants to stay or go. I do hope you decide to give it another chance - I believe the love is there, but is buried due to circumstances in life.
magda Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 I don't blame you in the least for having an affair, or "falling" into one, as you have said. No person can be expected to do all the heavy lifting in a marriage. I am tired of this attitude, very often from the wife I am sorry to say, that once married, its all "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately" attitudes from those blaming physical or weight issues on a husband or another person. My handsome, athletic, gracious, loyal and intelligent brother is in something of the same situation; the wife has "given up", won't spend time with him, apparently won't sleep with him, runs to mother all the time, has grown totally distant--while he is the only one working, paying the bills, buying everything, paying her huge medical costs, so on and so forth. He has not yet had an affair, but if and when he does, I cannot say I will blame him. You will get responses here saying, "How can you! How could you! What about her needs" and the rest. Balderdash. A grown woman must also be self-reponsible, and any spouse who says "Our marriage sucks" cannot then expect the other partner to be shackled to a dismal attitude like that forever. Miscarriages are horrendous, but plenty of women have had them, sadly, and it is no excuse for imprisoning oneself or others in a life of sadness "Vows", to my mind, are also broken when one person gives up on his or herself, no longer commanding the "love, honor and respect" that the other saw in a vision of marriage together. Marriage is a two way proposition I agree with you.. but there's also the "in sickness and in health" vow, and surely this counts as sickness. Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious problem and with all these health issues as well, and her lack of interest in trying anymore, sounds like the wife has she has at least become seriously depressed and needs help. I think depression needs to be considered a sickness, up to a point. Either keep trying to get her help, or leave the marraige.
JayKay Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 I think for your daughter's sake, you should consider a divorce. Unhappily married people do make a happy home. Your beautiful little girl will live in a dysfunctional home and likely, choose dysfunctional partners when she grows up. If your wife refuses counseling, I would strongly consider a seperation. With regards to your affair, I'm not going to offer any ethical or moral judgements here. I'm merely going to state what you already know; it's a band-aid treatment for a problem that really requires surgery. Why not get counseling for yourself? Even if your wife won't go to MC, you can get into therapy on your own to help you sort through things.
weescotslassie Posted November 11, 2005 Posted November 11, 2005 Ok, this will be a long post, so here it goes. I am a married man, late 30’s, with a wife the same. We have a 6 year old daughter. We have been married 12 years this past summer, but been together for 20 years now. We did not get married right away due to school (I was away) and lack of employment. We had many difficulties in having our one (and only) child. It brought us very close together, through numerous miscarriages, the premature birth of our daughter, and the near death experience my wife endured in having our child. Needless to say, having this healthy beautiful girl means the world to both of us. Since the birth of our daughter, however, our lives have changed. I know I have changed, but not to the extremes that my wife has. As a result, I am simply not in love with her anymore. I find myself not tolerant of her actions and behavior. Among the things that have changed and/or diagnosed about her: she is 100 lbs overweight (the doctor who delivered our daughter warned her about this) has developed diabetes, has been diagnosed with PCOS (google it, takes too long to explain) has high blood pressure, and has, according to a therapist friend of the family, what she believes to be a case of Borderline Personality Disorder. In short, not only is she a physical wreck, but at times an emotional one as well. She is tired of all these issues, but really does not want to work on any of them. Because of the issues that my wife has, I have had two affairs this year. I never felt that I could have one, but my marriage is unfulfilling, and my spouse is wearing on me. We have acknowledged that our marriage is in poor shape; in her words, “it sucks”. She has said several times over the past year that she did not know why she stayed with me. I have told her to leave, if she that is her wish. Marriage counseling has been brought up; but she drops the subject. She has told me numerous times that she was no longer going to work on the marriage, since it appeared that I was not. She has also, at times, given up on “everything” (housework, marriage, etc) She has grown tired of her job. She even went through a phase where she did not pay the bills, until I opened my own checking account and began to pay everything. The therapist friend believes that the wife needs help badly. The first affair occurred in the spring/summertime. A co-worker (yes, I know) approached me; she was having difficulties in her marriage, and so it went. However, we ended it peacefully, and with no repercussions (to this point). It happened, we ended it, and we still get along at work. We both know it was a mistake, and that was that. The second is on going to this day. It started in early fall; a friend of both me and the wife, whose own marriage is poor. She and her husband have not had sex in 3 ½ years. She will not leave him, for she does not want to shoulder the blame for a divorce (he is from an influential family) and he does not acknowledge her. She has asked him if he was gay, or had another woman, but he denies these things. The friend and I (have known each other for 7 years now) began this affair out of what we perceive as lonely loveless marriages. We have leaned on each other for emotional and physical support that we are unable to get from our spouses. We care for each other, and have feelings for each other. The L word has never been brought up by either of us, but I figure it will at some point from either one of us. We would not leave our respective spouses for each other, but if we were divorced from our spouses, then in all probability we would marry. She has many of the same issues with her husband that I have with my wife; namely health issues, a “give up” attitude towards marriage, etc. They have one child as well. That’s it for now. I’ll sit back and see what you all have to say about any of this. Hi, I found this web-site by accident as I am looking for some advice. It sounds like your marriage was good before your problems began. It also sounds like your wife needs help and you are probably the the only/best person to help her get it. She sounds like she needs a bit of a push and a lot of support. It's not just your marriage and the relatiosnhip you have with your wife, but this involves your daughter. You both have to do what's right by her. By all means, continue your affair as long as you like, as long as it's not affecting your family life. I understand that having an affair can be your escape from the difficult issues in your life, and I feel that, in some cases, it can help, as long as you keep in mind what is most important which is your daughter, and helping her mum and your wife to help herself. Good luck, I'm off to post my woes and see if someone out there can give me the answer!!!
nextel Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Regardless of what is going on in your marriage, if you are so unhappy, then why not just leave instead of trying to open up a can of worms? People make every excuse in the world, but when they really want something, there is nothing in the world that can stop them from getting it. IF YOU ARE THAT UNHAPPY, THEN GET A DIVORCE FIRST. Yes I have been there, but when it came down to it, I was unhappy. The arguments, financial strains, verbal and emotional abuse was too much. And asking myself what I wanted...I decided to do something about it so that I could be happy. To make a long story short, I moved on with my life. That was the bravest thing I ever did in my life. I was a fool in love and I woke up and walked away. Today, I can walk away from anything that does not make me happy this includes relationships. If you truly want something, you will do what it takes to make YOU happy.
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