He broke up with me because of his weed addiction

[Lisa55]

Hi everybody. I am popping in to tell my recent break up story and would like to hear some of y'alls opinions. So I was in a 1-year relationship with my boyfriend whom I met through mutual friends. We fell instantly crazy in love and decided to be in a relationship about 1 month into dating. It was going super great, we hardly never fought, went on trips, vacations etc. Progressively I met his family as well and I developed a great communication with them too. All in all, it was one of these relationships which have a lot of potential for the future and you have all the right reasons to actually believe you may have a future together with this person.

No one is perfect, of course we had our ups and downs but you get the point. However, things starting getting south when I started paying closer attention to his 'patterns' or habits and more specifically one habit. My main problem was that he smoked weed (Once a day almost every day) and it affected him in a very negative way. To be ahead of you, I got nothing against weed as long as the person using it isn't deteriorating in front of my eyes.

I could not identify it as an addiction for the first 6-8 months because I have never seen it before as one from the other friends and exes I had that were smoking pod too. So I was completely caught off guard when I slowly his habit transforming into a tornado that destroyed everything on its way. He gained 22 pounds in 1 year because after he would smoke, he would go and eat everything from the fridge (mostly junk, greasy food). He would also be very unfocused and subdued as if he was a zombie or something (red eyes all that stuff).

Also, very important was his friends that were almost all single, used to play videogames at least 2-4 hours day after day and were all smoking weed as well. The thing is, once I started to communicate that maybe he should do something about it he would start about how in the beginning I was ok with it and didn't have any problem (even though I myself have never smoked) and I would go on explaining that indeed I didn't have a problem with it because it wasn't affecting us as a couple and because I have never before identify it as a real addiction.

Fast forward to 1 month ago, one day, he broke up with me giving the 'break up speech' that ''You have so many issues with so many things in my life and I can't see us moving in together or getting married and having kids and I am not in love with you no more. You only loved the potential you saw in me and not me' and other bs like these which where all complete straight up lies.

Naturally, he broke my heart so bad but I decided to give him exactly what he wanted so I went 100% no contact with him. My question is: does anybody have experienced anything similar? Have you been to a relationship with a weed-addict that clearly couldn't take it and he deteriorated in front of your eyes slowly? I found it extremely difficult to watch him fade away because I loved him but in the end he chose pod over me and a future. Sorry for the long text! Would like to hear what you guys think.    

Edited November 9, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Lisa55 said:

 but in the end he chose pod over me and a future. 

Sorry this is happening. You dodged a bullet. You're correct that his relationship is with weed and everything and everyone else is just a pawn.  Is difficult to watch someone you care about be self-destructive. 

Please see if you can get information, support and advice here:

https://www.nar-anon.org/what-is-nar-anon

[Alpacalia]

Sorry, it's for the best. He needs to  sort out his addiction and unhealthy relationship with weed, and you can't be the one to do it or in that role. I have family members that suffered(er) with addiction issues and saw slippery slopes and damage.

Break up doesn't always have to be in bad terms, sometimes all it needs is for one person to make a choice between someone who doesn't share similar values towards ourselves. You need to be smart, and make your own happiness and self dignity your priority.

I'm sorry he didn't see that the two of you had a loving some peaceful relationship going that you managed to make or better each other (almost) so quickly. You made real effort to support him once you saw how using was starting to damage his health.

This is the life he chooses, it's his life, again, you can't always control it. You can offer support when you feel you can but always remember to put yourself first 💗

[Weezy1973]

The 3 A’s of divorce (or breakups):

1. Abuse

2. Adultery

3. Addiction

 

Addicts will choose their addiction over a relationship unless it’s with a co-dependent / enabler. You’re not co-dependent so he couldn’t be with you anymore.

[stillafool]

You both were right to end this.  He isn't going to stop smoking weed and never gave any indication that he's willing to do that to keep you.  You don't want a lazy, overweight, weed smoking boyfriend and you're not compatible.  It was best that this end.

[Lisa55]

50 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sorry he didn't see that the two of you had a loving some peaceful relationship going that you managed to make or better each other (almost) so quickly. You made real effort to support him once you saw how using was starting to damage his health.

 

Thank you for giving me your perspective. It is just blows my mind and I find it so difficult to come in terms with how a person can loose such a unique and pure connection, a real relationship, a girl that loves you and is willing to share a life with you over something like weed. Especially since he knew it was so bad for him, he told me he is addicted and I tried to help him when I finally understood he was actually telling me the truth but he shut the door. I can't understand the concept of addiction though, because I have never been an addict myself so maybe that's why...

[Lisa55]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He isn't going to stop smoking weed and never gave any indication that he's willing to do that to keep you.  

Thank you for giving your input. Actually, when I first started communicating the problem, he did stopped for a period of time but then, it came back 10x stronger. His friends were a big big issue in all of this. Completely immature, smoking weed was a form of 'bonding' or something and it was taking him down every single time. I guess I was really confused because he was what I later found out is called 'functioning addict'. So he had a good job, he payed his bills, he was all good day-to-day functioning etc etc. That's what got me really confused and took me so long to identify it as a real life addiction. 

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, Lisa55 said:

Thank you for giving me your perspective. It is just blows my mind and I find it so difficult to come in terms with how a person can loose such a unique and pure connection, a real relationship, a girl that loves you and is willing to share a life with you over something like weed. Especially since he knew it was so bad for him, he told me he is addicted and I tried to help him when I finally understood he was actually telling me the truth but he shut the door. I can't understand the concept of addiction though, because I have never been an addict myself so maybe that's why...

Well, maybe you can reframe it and look at it that he didn't lose this wonderful thing over weed. It wasn't simply a matter of weed. It's his own choices, beliefs, fears, insecurities, tendencies, and relationships that he's affected by. Keep in mind that addiction is considered a disease now, so it's not like it's a small tiresome habit to kill time or something. It's a pervasive compulsion that needs to be fed. It doesn't make sense when people say "just stop it"... addiction is bigger than that. He still has power over his choices... but it's like saying that falling off a boat is a matter of a single barracuda. He didn't let you in his personal dynamic that he has with himself.

Something he can't rectify or manage alone. It's not an issue of weed, but he alters his state of being with something else, right? Now take that into account and broaden it all into something he could be addicted to. Could be weed, eating, TV, work, shopping, validation, or drugs. But he's addicted to something that he can't talk about with you. That part you can understand. You can't help what you can't understand. It's just air pressure changes when you look at it from another angle.

So don't think it's his loss, girl.

Keep going on the trail for someone else who may be healthier for you and is interested in making changes with you present.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lisa55 said:

. He would also be very unfocused and subdued as if he was a zombie or something .the 'break up speech' that ''You have so many issues with so many things in my life and I can't see us moving in together or getting married and having kids and I am not in love with you no more. 

Please read up on "marijuana amotivational syndrome". On another level, he wasn't ready to settle down, get married, be serious and doesn't want what you want. That may be behind the breakup in addition to him preferring his weed lifestyle. 

[Lisa55]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please read up on "marijuana amotivational syndrome". On another level, he wasn't ready to settle down, get married, be serious and doesn't want what you want. That may be behind the breakup in addition to him preferring his weed lifestyle. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Probably has to do with the whole concept of addiction that I was not at all familiar with so couldn't even see it. As for the rest, I know it was bs because I never asked or expressed something related for kids, marriages or moving in, I just wanted to be with him. On the contrary I got a place literally on the other side of the city from his so we could have a 'healthy distance' once in a while. The things he said in the end really didn't make any sense. He was just trying to get it over with so he could go back to smoking weed with his friends. 

Edited November 9, 2023 by Lisa55

[Alpacalia]

Please stop allowing him to feed you with these ridiculous words. And he wanted to move out so that he could go party and smoke whenever he liked. Simple as that.

[MsJayne]

He didn't break up with you because of his weed habit, he broke up with you because you don't accept him as he is. It's OK to be concerned about someone's well-being, but it's not OK to tell people how to run their life. It's no different to a non-drinker dating someone who drinks every day, it's doomed from the start because there's a significant clash of values. You accepted it at the beginning, but this far down the track you've decided it's a problem and you've started trying to control him, and he doesn't like it, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who acts like a parent. Personally I'd be way more concerned about him spending 4 hours + a day playing mindless video games than about him getting stoned and ploughing through the 'fridge. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Lisa55 said:

'You have so many issues with so many things in my life and I can't see us moving in together or getting married and having kids and I am not in love with you no more. You only loved the potential you saw in me and not me' and other bs like these which where all complete straight up lies.

These aren't lies or BS. This is him expressing his perspective about what happened. Thing is, unless we're talking about something which is a straight yes or no (eg, I was at this place at this time) "the truth" about a situation is variable depending on who's perspective is being expressed.  And his truth is that he really resented the pressure you put on him over this.  And his truth is that because of the pressure for him to change, the connection between the two of you became toxic for him.

To be clear, it's perfectly understandable that you didn't like it (and frankly, I would have left him over it) but we can't change people.  If a partner (particularly someone we haven't been with for all that long) is doing something we really object to and they aren't interested in changing, the only option is to break up.  

Take some time to care for yourself and start dating again when you're feeling better 

[Lotsgoingon]

Addiction is powerful. Destroys lives, all the time. And weed is not by any means the worst addiction.

You have to get away from the addict. You can't persuade them.  And look, some addictions are so bad that yes, the addict can fully realize their addiction is destroying their life and still not stop the addiction. Many people have to go for help to stop, whether therapy or 12 groups or something else. 

Edited November 9, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[glows]

He changed and you didn’t like that change. He resented you for changing your mind about him smoking it but perhaps didn’t see what you saw either that it was worsening over time. You’re both just not right for one another. This hurt you but it would have been so much more difficult had you moved in together, married or had children. If you’re disappointed with his choices thank your lucky stars this never progressed further than it did.

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Lisa55 said:

I tried to help him when I finally understood he was actually telling me the truth but he shut the door.

This is just it.  He doesn't want your help, he likes smoking weed.  He has to decide for himself that he wants to stop getting high and seek help or otherwise it does not work.  It sounds like you were Romanizing this relationship more than he was.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. However, this will make you more aware and be more able to identify the signs of individuals who smoke a lot of weed.

I can empathize with you. I've never been a smoker either.  My ex was a heavy smoker though. He smoked several times a day and then had a nerve to want/need a beer with it after work. He was a decent dude I thought. However, some of the other issues that come with people who smoke a lot are mood swings, inability to eat without smoking, digestive issues, the list goes on based on the frequency and the individual. My ex was super thin though. So his weight issue was the opposite of your guy.  Being super thin isn't what I particularly favor in men, but I kind of got use to it until all the other issues became too much to deal with for me.  He couldn't really eat much until after smoking, but then couldn't hold down the food. Plus he got real grumpy if it was time to get a "fix" and he couldn't for whatever reason. When trying to tell him I just wanted to experience him without the influence of weed, he would listen and he knew he needed to slow down with it, but... he needed help from someone else with more patience than me.  

It's one thing to have a habit that may affect the addict only. But what I don't have , is the patience to stand by a person whose behavior negatively affects not only himself, but also people around him. Then some people may have character flaws that may exist with or without the weed. 

What you may always want to be aware of is that, if you're not mindful you can find yourself making excuses for the addict or start beating up on yourself. Being supportive has it's limits. Similar to what another poster said, you can try being supportive some an extent.  However, please set boundaries. It's not always easy... I too, had to set harder boundaries and I'm still work in progress depending on the issue.

I think you're wise enough to be aware that this issue exists with some ugly side effects. Stay aware and I believe you'll be just fine by setting boundaries and not allowing your energy to be drained from the side effects of his habits.

 

Edited November 12, 2023 by ladyeatinggreens20

[FMW]

On 11/9/2023 at 11:10 AM, Lisa55 said:

he broke up with me giving the 'break up speech' that ''You have so many issues with so many things in my life and I can't see us moving in together or getting married and having kids and I am not in love with you no more. You only loved the potential you saw in me and not me' and other bs like these which where all complete straight up lies.

I think he was right, what he said wasn't BS or lies.  You went along with his choices and lifestyle for a time, but then started being (understandably) critical.  

On 11/9/2023 at 11:10 AM, Lisa55 said:

things starting getting south when I started paying closer attention to his 'patterns' or habits and more specifically one habit.

I think that's the issue.  In the beginning of the relationship you didn't pay too much attention because you were enjoying other aspects of being with him.  But once you got past the initial attraction, reality set in.  He enjoys his life as it is, he doesn't feel the need to be fixed or to change.  

If you feel the need to suggest life changes to someone within the first year of your relationship, they probably aren't the person for you.  

I know it's painful right now, but the breakup was best for you both in the long run.  

[Wiseman2]

On 11/9/2023 at 12:10 PM, Lisa55 said:

, it was one of these relationships which have a lot of potential for the future and you have all the right reasons to actually believe you may have a future together with this person.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. However there's a good lesson in this and that is:

Dating is a what you see is what you get situation. Dating "potential" with the hope of changing someone, unfortunately leads to disappointments like this. 

[Alpacalia]

If you are weed adverse, you should stick to that. If that means you have to break up with someone because it is something you cannot overlook, then so be it. It simply doesn't align with your values and lifestyle. People may look at it as something petty and insignificant but it truly is a compatibility issue. Someone out there will have the same stance as you on this particular matter and wouldn't want to be with someone who gets high.

I was in a long term relationship with someone that about 3 years in, started smoking weed, I became very unattracted to them and broke up with them. Tbh, just didn't enjoy being around him, the slowness, lack of interest etc. Our dynamic changed and I was no longer attracted to him. I also felt like I couldn't connect with him anymore. It ultimately led to the end of our relationship as I couldn't see a future with someone who prioritized weed over our relationship.

Unfortunately, you knew the person smoked weed from the beginning. It was unfair to you to expect that person to change, so in a sense, it is also unfair for you to be like I didn't sign up for that. I think he was right to end it. He likely felt like all the things he liked about you or the qualities you had, faded and turned into judgment and he no longer felt liked for who he was. I don't think he chose weed over a future. He just knew weed would always be a part of it.

[BrinnM]

Clearly, you dodged a bullet. Nobody wants a partner who smokes weed uncontrollably, eats uncontrollably, and plays video-games multiple hours a day. That’s immature behavior, and I have to wonder how old you guys are.

His behavior shows some serious lack of ambition, because honestly, what can a person get done if they’re wasting hours and hours every single day on gaming & knocking themselves out? When does he clean? When does he take you out on dates? How is he performing at work/school? Or in the bedroom?
This guy must be constantly tired, hungover and de-energized. I also wonder how much money he spends on his habit.
Yeah, I couldn’t deal with it, that’s for sure. My guess is: You would’ve broken up with him down the road anyways. It’s not sustainable.

Edited November 12, 2023 by BrinnM